Adult children living at home--expectations?
karenj
16 years ago
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Comments (60)
pjb999
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoequinox_grow
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
adult children living at home
Comments (3)Well, why on EARTH would 2 sons (ages 22 and 23) who are being treated like 6 year olds--being completely taken care of, getting everything done for them, paid for for them, etc, even consider acting like adults? Sorry--I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but the situation screamed for the question to be reversed. Give them adult responsibilities--expect them to pay board (even if it's $25/week, if that's all they can afford). DO NOT cook for them--they're old enough to take food from the fridge/freezer and prepare it. STOP paying their bills--if they want a car, they need to be able to afford one. If they want a cell phone--ditto. As long as they are treated as children, they are going to continue to act like them. I'm not being harsh, just realistic--in this case, the first step has to be taken by the parent. The parent needs to decide to treat their child like an adult, and LET them grow up to be responsible and caring....See MoreMarrying Widower with Adult Children
Comments (62)drcinbd, like Karen, I'm sorry I didn't comment earlier. I wrote comments several times but deleted them because this is a very "hot-button" issue for me. Please do not end this relationship because your children object. If you do, you are abdicating responsibility for your own life to them and that is not healthy. I don't know when we shifted from a society that taught respect for the autonomy of other adults, including parents, to one that expected that life decisions should be made based on the opinions of others, particularly adult children. Before you were a husband or a father, you were most likely a fully-functioning, independent person in your own right. You got an education, built a career, entered into a long, successful marriage and parented five children into independent adulthood. While I suspect you sometimes sought the counsel of others, I doubt you did all of that so successfully by giving others a vote on every decision that you or you and your late wife made. If you end this relationship now, your children will most likely object to the next woman you want to marry, and so on. You will spend the rest of your life without the shared joy of a partner because your children are self-centered and don't want their lives to change in any way. Sadly, life has changed - your wife died and you did not. Have any of the five volunteered to give up their lives to live with you and be your companion for the rest of your life? If they aren't prepared to do that, what right do they have to expect you not to move forward with your life in the way that you choose? Why should you remain alone, because that is what they prefer? How would your remarriage harm them? It isn't like you could or would replace their mother. Employers replace people. Sports teams replace people. Families expand and grow in love because people join and leave them through many different avenues; birth, marriage, adoption, divorce, etc. What happened to loving your parent enough to both want their happiness and respect their autonomy? Please, talk to your love before just ending things. She should have a vote in this, not your children. This is her life, too. From experience, I can tell you that if you marry, there will be unhappy times when your children act on their feelings because you will not be able to shield her or your relationship completely and as their father, you will be hurt. Please remember that however difficult, it is only one part of your life, not the whole. I am married to the man I have loved since I was 17. We've been married for 5 years and in a relationship for 8. We were engaged at 21 but for reasons having nothing to do with our love for one another, he broke things off. He went on to have a very happy 30-year marriage until his wife died after a two-year battle with cancer. He contacted me through Classmates, 9 months after her death, and we built a friendship over months of email correspondence. Eventually, we fell in love again, met in person and began to talk about a future together. There were many challenges and obstacles, but we married 3 years after his late wife's death. My daughters love him and his youngest, while not thrilled, has been accepting and gracious. On the other hand, my husband's oldest daughter was unhappy from the beginning and behaved that way. She estranged herself from her father because she feels that by seeking me out and pursuing a relationship, he disrespected her mother. She has been awful to both of us and blamed me for many things that simply aren't true. I have tried to stay in the background and encouraged my husband to do things with her, without me. Individually and collectively we have tried everything we can think of to make things better. We gave her time and asked only that she be polite when we had to be in the same place. Her dad has spent many hours over the last 7 years listening to her feelings and opinions. He has apologized for his missteps and tried to make amends, but she prefers her version of things. He even agreed to therapy with a therapist of her choosing and went for about 9 months. Despite everything, she is adamant that he should have ended our relationship because she wanted him to and that she is perfectly right to estrange herself from her only living parent because he didn't. But, drcinbd, even with this sadness, we are happy and neither of us has regrets about marrying. Yes, there have been upsets and unhappiness surrounding his daughter's feelings and behavior, but they have not taken away from the joy of having found one another. I was with him this year when his cancer came back and he had to have radiation and chemo. He was my biggest supporter when I struggled to finally finish my degree and then found out (at 60) that I have serious ADHD. Yes, there have been MANY challenges as we worked to build a relationship, but it has been worth it! We are good for each other and to each other, and neither of us regrets our decision to marry, in any way. Yes, there are times when I weary of his daughter's toxicity and wonder why she is so awful to me, but every minute I get to spend with my husband brings me more happiness than all of the misery she has caused, put together. I have never been happier than I am in this marriage, with this man. We will continue to work to reconcile with with his daughter for as long as it takes, but cannot do more. Sorry to be so long-winded. Please do not deprive yourself of the possibility of a joyful and fulfilling marriage with someone who sounds perfect for you. Keep trying with your children, but don't sacrifice two other lives to their selfishness. At 57, you probably have many more years of life ahead. Grab this chance at happiness and hold on tight. Best of luck to you!...See MoreProblem with my adult children & my 2nd husband
Comments (5)I'm so sorry. These things sort of build up over time, & you don't notice it until they're just unbearable. Both you & your husband have endured enough; it's time you stopped subjecting yourselves to this abuse. Your children have too little responsibility & too much power, & they will only get worse if they're allowed to. You & your husband are each other's partners; you take care of each other, you support & love each other, you scrub one another's backs in the shower & you bring each other soup & crackers when you have a tummyache. You are life partners, & it's way past time for you to have your own holiday traditions- traditions that are fun! (I usually think of "time to start our own traditions" as a younger couple having holiday celebrations in their own home rather than going to either set of parents. Here, I think it's time to have your holiday celebrations in your own home & not go to your children's!) Your own home is a nice, cozy, comfortable, harmonious place to be. Fix yourselves a nice dinner, light a fire if you can, have a glass of wine, watch old movies, talk (what a concept!); enjoy yourselves the way you're entitled to. Do not talk about the children; do not think about the children; these times are for the two of you. You're lucky to have each other, & time goes by very fast. Start your traditions this year....See Moreadult children (again)
Comments (19)Lola- If a deadline has been set that's a really good start. Now all you can do is hope dad sticks to it. There really isn't any excuse for any adult to not be either a.) working or B.) going to school in order to get a JOB. No adult should be living rent/responsibility free unless they are severly dissabled by definition of state and then they would be drawing dissability which could go towards household expenses. There shouldn't be any such thing as a "free ride" IMHO. This man is going to have a hard road ahead if he doesn't learn to be more self suppotive. Here is an example of what can happen to adult children who stay on the perverbial titty too long. My mom has a brother who is 42. This brother has always lived with my grandmother. Granny fed him, he didn't have to pay rent, she helped pay his car insurance, he moved girlfriends and THEIR children in and out of HER home. Grandma passed away in May. Guess where he is now that granny has passed away? He's fixing to be HOMELESS with no job, no skills and no experience in paying bills and other things ADULTS should know how to do because his mother enabled him. Parents can hurt their own children by allowing them to "hang out" too long. It isn't fair to the other contributing adults in the household to tolerate the "dead weight" either. It is as simple as getting a job like the rest of the freaking world....See Moremariel_touhstone_org
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