Adult children living at home--expectations?
karenj
16 years ago
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pjb999
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoequinox_grow
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parents of estranged adult children
Comments (70)Jan, You are a kind and compassionate woman. Thank you for caring about all of us. In laws can destroy relationships. Although my marriage was destroyed by many factors, the learning experience has enabled me to help my daughter save her marriage from her jealous mother in law. She wanted to keep getting my support and not supporting me in return, so I am now pretty much estranged from her and her sister. They model after my irresponsible, lying, abusive X. The estrangement drags me down, but I try to keep on going despite it. I can only change/improve myself and my life. They are free of to live their own lives. I have 2 grandsons who live out of state and my daughter has not denied me a relationship of sorts with them. This is not what I expected at all, as I devoted my all to raise them. I am very sorry for your heartache, but adult children seem to go their own way and they do not need us anymore. Some want us, like your daughter wants you, but sons seem to either be devoted to their Mothers, while others cling to their wives. My Mother was loved by all and she handled the son/daughter in laws by accepting invitations when invited, not asking them for anything, being respectful and nice to all and letting them live their own lives as they saw fit. I am not my Mother, nor a doormat, so I have a much tougher time with relationships because I express my views and try to protect myself from abuse; I have a few close friends and relatives, but not many. Please let us know how you are doing and if you find a way to mend the rift....See Moredealing with adult children and step children
Comments (9)I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance......See MoreAdult children living at home.....
Comments (35)Hi loladoon, Thanks for posting again, and I'm sorry to hear about your stress and depression over this. Perhaps you and your child need a vacation away from your partner and his son. Spending several days or a week in a different environment might give you a fresh perspective. As a father myself, it's hard for me to understand why your partner does not expect more from his son. The father has to deal more effectively with him and get the young man out on his own. A few good first steps would be for the dad to get rid of the video games and enforce reasonable hours for going to bed and getting up in the morning. If he's not willing to do that soon, it's doubtful that he'll ever be able to effectively deal with this situation. The son needs to go into therapy as well, but he won't unless his dad makes him go. You've already been discussing this for two years and nothing has changed. You can't be the fix it person here. The dad and the son have to do that themselves. At a minimum, I would cool things off for a while and see if anything changes. Meanwhile, you might get active with your friends again and start meeting new people....See MoreWhat is the FREAKING deal with adult children?
Comments (36)I married a great man. We dated for 5 years before getting married. We have 7 children between us. There are two ex-wives both allergic to work, neglectful mothers with drug and alcohol issues. Two of my step children lived with their mother who was hearing impaired and couldn't crawl out of the bottle. The other two children were kept from their other siblings. Their mother was/is a drug addict who had her son running drugs for her. My husband worked a lot of hours and out of town. Last ex wife took husband to the cleaners, lied about domestic and claimed to have spent her life ensuring her children were raised correctly and self sufficient. The adult kids have been dependent on my husband for over 10 years. He pays the mortgage on the house that was supposed to be sold so his youngest son can live there with his girlfriend and their children. The girlfriend collects welfare, my SS makes good money, they sub-rent the house, they have three times the allowable animals by city ordinance, the house is trashed, and the ex wife her boyfriend, the girlfriend's parents squat there. It's a mess. The people that live frequently live there are criminals with drug & alcohol problems. We just bought a house and I'm always worried about liability. The mother of our grandchildren keeps the kids from us we hardly see them, unless they need $$$ or it's a birthday or holiday. She never finished high school and now she partially home schools our grandaughter. I'm sure it's so she can stay home and run around with her twin sister. My step son is a glazier and makes good $$$ and just hands her his debit card so she can but whatever. They rarely contribute to the expenses of the house. They have stated they want to buy the house and my husband will sell it for what's owed yet year after year they swat. They can't rent anywhere because they have a history of not paying rent, and she's an animal (dog) hoarder. My 35 year old step daughter is a single mother, with drug & alcoholic problems. She uses bi-polar as an excuse for her bad behavior. My husbands picks up the slack for our grandaughter because SD wouldn't turn dad in for child support. Dad is a Mexican national who is an alcoholic and wouldn't work and leaches off his elderly mother and sister. SD is hard on cars and dad helps her out about every 16 months with a car. SD makes decent money but spends it like water eating out, Starbucks, cigarettes ... anything but car repair, paying speeding tickets etc... 30 year old step son is living with us, he hooked up with a meth head that we supported along with her three children. He got a DV for trying to leave her after she attacked him. He then crashed our car, and isn't getting another, despite my husband saying he will buy him car. While spending thousands of $$$ to help him, his mother is doing meth with him. Yes I spend a great deal of time trying to clean this woman's mess but she is mother & grandmother of the year. Good grief! She's now scheming and scamming claiming back problems to try to tap into my husband's social security. My last step son is amazing. He is hearing impaired and works his ass off. His wife was a teen mother who just graduated from college. Their son is well mannered, motivated and grounded. They are wonderful parents, partners and work hard to be self sufficient. My kids are not perfect but I limit how we help them, My youngest is living with us because he can't rent an apt in the current market having a good rental history. He has medical issues in which we help pay for the last surgery. He's 21, works, helps out & pays his bills. My middle child is somewhat disappointing with his recreational drug use, job hopping and pretty much being self centered. He is slow to pay back loans. My oldest pays back loans, works his tail off and lives in someone's attack, so he's at least on his own. My kids aren't going anywhere in life but they try to be self sufficient. I was always the smothering mother, but my husband wanted me to back away. It was hard but I did, and I'm blunt with my children on many subjects. It is not beyond me to pull over and tell my son to get out of my car if he can't be respectful and that the walk to where ever he is going will clear his head. My husband watched his sisters leach off his mother and father until they died. None of those sisters are self sufficient and they are in their late 50's. I'm sick of it because my husband wants to retire as his body is sore from working construction. He can't because he wouldn't cut the kids off. There's one thing helping, but we are supporting and not getting that dependent tax credit. This is ruining our marriage. I flat out tell my husband that if he dies before me I will not keep his kids in the manner that they are accustomed. I don't make that kind of $$$, not do I agree with paying for adult kids, girlfriends, grandchildren, dependent ex wives, parents of children's girlfriends etc..... My husband wants a new truck and he wanted to take a loan out against our house for it. I told him no take it out against the one that the kids live in that was to be sold 10 years ago that he pays the bills on. I do love my husband, he's a wonderful, intelligent hard working man. When I met my husband he had no job and no home. His wife kicked him out and he went to stay with daughter whom was my neighbor. Everything we have we have built together as a couple. It is not for the taking by the children and certainly not while we are living. I live in fear of liability from the irresponsible step kids and their associates. It's very stressful and effecting our health. Yet my husband prefers to be complacent and continues to shell out. How long should one carry their 30 year old + kids & lazy drug addicted ex-wive ? I think about divorce just to escape the unnecessary drama. Two's company but with a parasitic ex wife and adult children there is little relaxation and enjoyment....See Moremariel_touhstone_org
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