Adult children living at home--expectations?
karenj
15 years ago
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pjb999
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Dealing with so-called "adult" children: how to determine rent?
Comments (55)I'm back! And there are so many responses here and I'm limited for time, so I can't respond to everyone individually. However, kswl, thanks for the info on that program -- you have to be over 21 to apply. He's only 20. Also, he is so focused on post-production, I don't think the AD role is necessarily for him. Thank you, though! And thanks to everyone else. Red lover, our kids sound somewhat similar! Briefly -- my DS was basically kicked out of kindergarten by our very rigid public elementary school principal. He went to a therapeutic elementary school til he was 12, then a nightmarish middle school, and finally a "regular" private high school that was open to kids w/ learning differences. When he was in kindergarten the dr. we saw thought he had Aspergers. In 1st grade, when he was in the therapeutic school, they said no way is he on the autism spectrum, but he has a general anxiety disorder. It wasn't until HS that he was diagnosed with ADD, and at the time, THAT dr. said the anxiety was probably brought on by the ADD. Finally, after he dropped out of college we saw yet another highly-regarded dr. who diagnosed him with the executive functioning disorder and said he could have told us that college would be a disaster. Well, thanks. Okay, so that is the very short story of his life. We are really lucky that he decided at age 13 that he had a passion and has stuck to it all this time. And also lucky that we have found (college level) educational programs that have been fantastic experiences for him. Anyway, here is what we've decided to do -- baby steps. I can't remember if I already said this, but once he started working a bit, we told him transportation costs are now up to him. So that was one small step. (He does not have a car and uses the bus and/or train or subway to get everywhere -- fortunately all are nearby, and we live close to Boston). As of Jan. 1, he will start paying his cell phone bill. It is on a family plan so he will pay his portion to us. It's a basic, inexpensive plan, maybe $30 or something. (DH pays the bill so I'm not 100% sure.) Then, next step will be rent, as of April 1 probably. It won't be high. Maybe $50 a month. I think my goal is mainly to get him to understand that he has to start getting used to paying bills (i.e., the not-fun stuff) first, then figure out what he has left over for the fun stuff. But I like the idea someone had of increasing it every 3 or 6 months. And if he is unable to pay these bills on the money he has coming in from film/video work, then yes, we have talked about the fact that he may have to get some kind of night job to supplement his income. He was open to it, but he hasn't made any steps toward doing it. The big problem with a kid like him is that he can talk the talk, but he doesn't (or can't) walk the walk! We can sit with him and talk about all the things he should do, and he says, Oh yes, good idea, I'll do that... and then it never happens. We have been trying to have "meetings" with him on a regular basis so we can check in and remind him of his to-do list. One good thing that's been happening is that he has hooked up with these two guys who graduated from the film program he also graduated from -- they are both older, one in his mid-late 20s and one in his early 30s -- who are in the beginning stages of putting together a production company, and they want him on board as much as possible. He has done one music video with them for an up-and-coming (according to DS) hip hop band -- DS did some camera work and the editing -- and this weekend is starting work on another video for another band. DS is really into music, so I have often thought music video work would be right up his alley. Anyway, who knows where this could lead. These guys seem to be real go-getters. Also, he did another project for this woman who turned out to be really difficult, gave him incorrect instructions that led to him having to talk to a TV person out in CA to sort things out, and then her check (to pay him) bounced! The good news about that mess is that I overheard his conversations with both the client and the TV person, and he was so professional. So -- he's certainly not a hopeless case. It is hard -- and has always been hard -- to figure out what he is and is not capable of. You talk to him and he is SO smart and articulate that it's easy to forget that he has a lot of wires crossed in that brain of his! And for those who asked about therapy. Yes, we are actually in the process of finding a new psychiatrist as the last (current) one turned out to be kind of a dud, and he is located too far from us to be convenient. My son's PCP gave us a list of names and I consulted with DS over which one he wanted to try -- there was a woman, an older man, and a younger man, and he felt that he could relate best to the younger guy, so I'm calling him this week. We have also seen an executive functioning specialist in the past, but after several weekly meetings, DS refused to go because she was "condescending." He's at the age where we can offer help, but we can't force him to accept it. Every so often we remind him that we are willing to pay for that kind of help if he wants it... This was longer than I intended but I wanted to fill in some of the blanks. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful input....See Moreadult children living at home
Comments (3)Well, why on EARTH would 2 sons (ages 22 and 23) who are being treated like 6 year olds--being completely taken care of, getting everything done for them, paid for for them, etc, even consider acting like adults? Sorry--I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but the situation screamed for the question to be reversed. Give them adult responsibilities--expect them to pay board (even if it's $25/week, if that's all they can afford). DO NOT cook for them--they're old enough to take food from the fridge/freezer and prepare it. STOP paying their bills--if they want a car, they need to be able to afford one. If they want a cell phone--ditto. As long as they are treated as children, they are going to continue to act like them. I'm not being harsh, just realistic--in this case, the first step has to be taken by the parent. The parent needs to decide to treat their child like an adult, and LET them grow up to be responsible and caring....See Moreadult children living at home
Comments (5)Unfortunately, the problem isn't the adult child living at home, but the mother who is putting her adult child ahead of her marriage. Now, I firmly believe that a birth mom needs to put her UNDERAGE child ahead of any non-birth man who may be in her life (date, fiance, husband), but once a child is old enough to make their own way--they should. Obviously, this mother hasn't learned the first rule of being a parent--that your job is to make yourself obsolete. In other words, it's a parent's job to raise their child to be confident, self-sufficient, self-supporting, independent. I honestly fear there is no answer to your problem, if the boy's mother choses to enable him to be a slug. YOU don't have the power to change things (other than removing yourself from the situation). This mother and son have such a disfunctional, odd relationship, that nothing you do is going to break through to them. Good luck, though...See MoreAdult children living at home.....
Comments (35)Hi loladoon, Thanks for posting again, and I'm sorry to hear about your stress and depression over this. Perhaps you and your child need a vacation away from your partner and his son. Spending several days or a week in a different environment might give you a fresh perspective. As a father myself, it's hard for me to understand why your partner does not expect more from his son. The father has to deal more effectively with him and get the young man out on his own. A few good first steps would be for the dad to get rid of the video games and enforce reasonable hours for going to bed and getting up in the morning. If he's not willing to do that soon, it's doubtful that he'll ever be able to effectively deal with this situation. The son needs to go into therapy as well, but he won't unless his dad makes him go. You've already been discussing this for two years and nothing has changed. You can't be the fix it person here. The dad and the son have to do that themselves. At a minimum, I would cool things off for a while and see if anything changes. Meanwhile, you might get active with your friends again and start meeting new people....See Moremariel_touhstone_org
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