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For those whose adult children are estranged....

Posted by carinjuniperus (My Page) on
Thu, Apr 17, 08 at 16:46

Dear friends and fellow parents.

I'm glad to find your letters here. This situation is so new to me. Abandoned by my dear daughter, 26 years old, just a few months ago, I'm in pain and need your comfort, and finding that other parents experienced this is a comfort. Thank you for all the letters you gave here.

I absolutely have not got the answers, and never thought that this situation was developing.

I divorced her father when she was 10 years old. I belived it went well. We put a lot of effort in the project, that she should not feel she lacked anything. Today my aunt tells me that there might have been too much over-compensation. Today I see that my daughter was spoiled.

She did her schoolwork, but nothing more than just managed. Much more interested in clothes, friends shopping, parties. When I was young in the 70'ies, we did nothing but schoolwork, and of course we youngsters worked to earn our own money too. My daughter, she did not work to earn her own money, we let her join camps for horseback riding with her friends. No housework. No lawnmoving.

I can see now how I let my daughter down.

As I look back now, I see the real warnings began 8 years ago, shortly after I married my second husband. My daughter insulted me and abused me verbally when she came to visit me in my own home. I kept my mouth shut in theese situations, so sure that this had to be something she would see her self, that she had to mature and stop such behavior.

I'm so sorry to say, during theese years I stopped looking forward to see her. My self-esteem as her mother decreased during those years, I got a nasty feeling that I did not deserve a loving daughter.

So finally, summer 2007 it seemed to be better, we spent a lovely evening together. I was happy and finally looking forward to the future. Very very happy when she invited me to stay in her home for Christmas 2007. But it all went wrong again, she abused me verbally, really hurt me. I irritated her so extremely by being gratefull, I think. About 10 days after Christmas she send a letter. Never contact me again.

Now 3 months later, still I'm not really able to believe this has happened. Garbaged her mother.

Never let youngsters get away with any kind of bad behavior so that they feel ashamed of themselves.

I think that is a lesson for me. I should have never let her get away with it, not even the first attempt when she was 20. Now I see why 'Setting Boundaries' is a serious issue in the books about estranged adult children.

I really meant well, because she turned 18, I remember I thought 'She is an adult now, she is a young woman now, and must be respected as such'

Here in my country in Europe where I live, nobody talks about this grand failure that a parent is garbaged by an adult child. None of the books I buy in english from the USA are translated. It is a silent sign how shamefull we feel about it. We cannot speak about it.

My question to night is the following worry:

I read about the mending of estrangement, and I see that the first issue is to honestly and whole heartedly wish to be connected again with the child who estranges herself. But in my heart I feel too much anger I think. I believe that I cannot just receive her in my open arms if she suddenly should stand on my doorstep. Is this normal? Did any of you experience such an odd feeling of 'too early to take her back'? Will time help? Maybe I too need time with out her?

Dear friend, who read this long letter from a brokenhearted mother, I thank you for your attention.

Maybe I should mention that estrangement is running in my family and in the extended, so many examples that it is the tradition.

Please email me if you like, I would be happy to have a correspondance, I am lonely in this situation. I cannot find a support group here, we do not even have a word for 'estrangement' in the language.

Also in times of pain it can be very good to chat about other subjects so please feel free to tell about your country, the scenery at the place you live and people and life etc etc. I will answer all emails.

My word for survival is Mothers-Forever-No-Matter-What
Love from Carin


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Hi Carin, I did respond to your post but it is on the other thread with this same title: "For those whose adult children are estranged...."

Please go there to find my response. (And if possible, respond on that thread for now until it fills up so that we don't have so many threads on the same topic.)

Ginny


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Lostmama, I am answering your last post on this thread because the other is so long.

Keep in mind that your son is still in his 20's and could do a vast turn around at some point in his 30's or 40's and make better decisions. A lot of people make many mistakes and bad decision's during their 20's.

Be careful that you do not permanently destroy your relationship with your son for a lifetime. Yes he may go ahead and marry this girl despite (or to spite) you and your husband. If she is on line looking for men while engaged, it does not appear that she has what it takes for a long term marriage. And it sounds as if your son will learn some hard life lessons. Some people learn through the mistakes of others, and some seem to learn the hard way.

However, it sounds as though you are trying to control him even into adult hood with your money. As in, make us happy or you are out of the wills. No one wants to be controlled by money...as in be a good boy and you may get an inheritance. Make us unhappy, and you will get nothing.

Are you giving him room to make mistakes as so many do in their 20's, and yet still love him as a son?

I do suppose that the loss of all of his inheritances will make him really, really think about whether this girl is worth it...especially if she is still trying to hook up with other guys on line while engaged to him. She is probably pressuring him for marriage and you are pressuring him to walk away, or lose his inheritance. Sounds like he has a lot of thinking to do.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

I think dangling an inheritance before his nose and using it to make him dance to your tune is really counter productive.

Chances are he'll end up with it any ways. Fast forward thirty years. Your mother is dead, your husband is dead, you are old and disabled and most of your friends are dead or taken away by their families for more immediate care, and your days are consumed by doctors' visits, medication, therapy, and the difficulties of just feeding yourself, dressing, bathing and getting about.

You are going to want your son in your life very much. You'll want your grandchildren in your life. Do you want to hear: "Yeah, mom, I'll come by on Christmas day, but not if I'm out of the will. Contact my lawyer before Thanksgiving."

So many old people are so lonely and fragile, you're likely to do it. And do you want him in your life only because you pay him for it? And if he's in your life only because you pay for it, and if you jerk him around by exploiting his greed, how long will it be before he's lying to you, making you think he's listening to you, while he's really doing what he wants? And finally how long after that will he be wishing you dead, so he can get his hands on the money and doesn't have to be your dancing bear anymore?

Pleasant thought that? Your son wishing you an early death so he can get the money and his freedom? But it would be you who taught him to be so shallow and greedy, you who conditioned him to think of money before relationships, and you'd have no room for complaint.

Don't use money to control your adult children. Share with them or not as you see fit and are willing and able, but don't try to control them with it. It will always backfire.

You asked for advice, lostmama, so I'll bite. I think you are too involved and too controlling. You told him his GF was online seeing other men (not that it was your business), so now he knows. If he doesn't care, you need to drop it. You are now doing nothing but nag.

//...Especially when it relates to her cleaning a house, getting a job or not surfing the net seeking other men while engaged to my son...///

You are completely out of line to discuss with her or anyone else about cleaning her own home or getting a job. It's offensive, insulting, and not your business. Your son is aware that she is unemployed, and still chose her. He knows the condition of her house, and still chose her. This is not your business.

//...I would also say please do not send me any gifts, cards, letters or be in contact as your contacts only hurt me more than please me...//

Is that what you really want? Him not to contact you again? Well, you say that to him, and that's what you are likely to get. Or do you really want him to rush to reassure you. "No, mom, please don't send me away, I'll be a good boy." That's not likely to happen. It's more likely he will find your pronouncement to be melodramatic and manipulative--and he'll call your bluff. And now instead of an occasional card, and flowers now and then, and a few texts and phone calls...you'll get nothing. And at your own request. You've already lost out on the wedding, do you want to lose more and more? This tactic will ensure you end up with very little from him, if anything at all.

And if it's true contact with him is too painful--then why are you contacting him? WHy write a letter? Why read the texts? Why accept the flowers and cards? Why not just stop all contact and refuse his attempts?

//...I feel I have nothing to lose by being honest as I have nothing to begin with. He seems to think sending me flowers on my birthday, a gift card at Xmas and ignoring us all year is acceptable....//

I think you have a lot more to lose than a few cards and flowers. You can lose it all. All contact for the rest of your life. All chances of knowing your grandchildren.

//...As he is our only child it truly hurts to be excluded like this//

Then why oh way would you contemplate asking him to exclude you forever? Don't you see the illogic of this and how you are working against your own best interest. He does a little bit for you; you pout because it's not enough and tell him you want no more contact because it pains you; and then you are hurt that he excludes you. This is a set up, and it's not going to work out the way you want.

//...Finally, he came around a little and admitted he may have been a "little wrong." He even said he feels bad at how he has been acting. I started to yell in the background as I was so ticked that he does not even see the full extent of what he has done to us...//

Again--you are working against your own best interests here. He's meeting you halfway, admitting his fault, and what do you do? You yell at him because it's not enough. DOn't be surprised if it's a very long time before he does that again.

Don't give him the idea that whatever he does will not be 'enough' to please you. I'm guessing he's never going to be able to do enough for you. It will NEVER be the way it was, with or without this girl. I sense you have unrealistic expectations of what he 'owes' you, and wouldn't be surprised if most of these things are really owed to you by your husband. A good therapist can help you adjust your expectations. And you asked for advice, and I'm going to give it to you: see a therapist, because you are sabotaging yourself.

///...We dislike her becasue she is lazy, has no job, has no HS diploma but pretends to be getting a degree on line, uses his credit cared to bankroll her life as well as that of her family and in fact has no real love for him as she was on the internet seeking other men 5 months into their engagement wearing a $10K ring...///

He knows all these things, sees it differently, or doesn't care. He knows her better than you do. And whether you like it or not, she meets some needs in him, she 'matches' something in him, or else he wouldn't find her attractive. You've said your piece (in fact, have probably said too much), most of this is not your business, and you need to let him lead his own life. If you raised him right, he doesn't need his mommy. If you didn't raise him right, it's now too late.

If you chase this girl away, he'll find another just like her. And resent you for chasing her away. Butt out.

//... It seems to me that if I have to censor everything I say to my son that I might as well not talk...//

Exactly. Maybe it's time to stop talking and start listening. One thing I ask my sons when they talk about their girlfriends is, "What do you like about her?" There's something big and important your son likes about this girl. Do you know what it is? If not, why not?

In any case, you will have to censor what you say if when someone is apologizing to you, you start yelling at him. Or if you start criticizing other people job and educational choices and housekeeping habits. You don't have to live with her, you aren't marrying her, you can keep your house the way that best suits you, you can pursue the career and education you want; none of this has anythig to do with you.

//...Things I have in the past tried to impart as good knowledge about life, ways to save money, ways to avoid problems with the IRS, etc. have been taken as meddling advice and created friction...//

As Dr. Phil has said, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" If what you are saying falls on deaf ears and causes problems, why say them--you are going to pay a penalty without obtaining your goal. I know you are thinking, "I want to be right AND happy. The two choices aren't excludable." But remember, you can be wrong and unhappy too. You have to understand that you will never again have the influence you once had over your son (with or without money), and that he has to learn about life himself. What's the worst that can happen: she takes him for everything he's worth and breaks his heart. Guess what, he'll recover. It happened to me, and made me stronger and I came back richer and happier. It happens to lots of people.

Your job is now different. You aren't the boss anymore that he has to listen to. You are now support staff; not boss, not partner--support. Some mothers find liberation and freedom in that; others find humiliation and demotion. It ends up being your choice how you accept this change in your relationship with your son. And the choice you make will determine the richness of the rest of your life.

///...well that is good, means I do not have to buy a dress, be subjected to having to listen to things about the girl I wish I did not know and also not subjected to learning about her real mother shacking up with my son's college buddies like she did after the engagement party. Actually, I am glad I am not invited as it means I will not have to decline as I am too honest of a person to be a witness- I might just want to raise my hand, show the picture of the girl advertising for other men while engaged to my son and saying that there are real doubts as to her intentions. Now that would for sure crack some eggshells!..///

This is appalling. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your son knows you better than you might think, and fantasies like this play a big part in why you haven't been invited to the wedding. If you can't sincerely wish the couple happiness, you don't belong at the wedding. That you would even think of sabotaging it, even in fantasy, is appalling. THis type of thing is why you weren't invited to the wedding.

And why you may not be invited to be a big part of his life. You are wrestling for control--and he WILL win.

It's better to let go gracefully, than to make your son push you away so hard, you fall off the edge of his life.

I know you don't want to hear this any more than he wants to hear your opinion of his girlfriend. But it won't kill you to consider what I've written.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Lostmama: Two of us have responded to your post, however, we responded under the new post someone started on April 17, 2008 under the same title " For those whose adult children are estranged".

Like many, during my 20's I too made some poor decisions. My parents would listen quietly, but let me find my own way. I look back and know that my mother must have lost a lot of sleep because of me, but she never let on. She was always there to listen, and supported me, even when it must have about killed her to do so. I too, did not go home for holidays for many years. I look back, and am ashamed. And yet, my parents never said a word. If they were angry at me, they kept it to themselves. If they were hurt, they never told me. If I called, they were always happy to hear from me. In my late 20's, I finally grew up, and chose someone they respect, and love. And I adore and respect my family for loving me and supporting me as I grew up. They are the finest people I know. Many young people may pull away from their parents as they find their way. But I imagine that the wise parents who are able to love and support them through it all will have great relationships with their adult children, when these same kids finally get on track.

Download the words that FORMS wrote to you (under the new post started on April 17). Her words are wise, and are truly a gift, even though it may take you some time to see the gift in her words. Share them with your darling husband. Ponder them in the morning and the night, and see if you can see through your hurt and disappointment, to the big picture...your lifetime relationship with your only child. Read her words, again and again, to see if they will sink into your heart and soften it. It appears that you look at this relationship with your son as "he owes us a debt for all we did for him". But what we do for our children is a "gift" given simply because we love them, with no strings attached.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Thanks for taking the time to post Forms and Bnicebkind. I have read over your posts and am going to take them to heart. You have a lot of wisdom. Thanks for providing your advice.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

You are welcome. I wish you peace in your spirit, and happier days ahead.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Does anyone know where there's any support for those of us on the "adult child" side of this issue? I could sure use some help with whether I'm obligated to keep in touch with parents who have treated me and my siblings pretty badly for most of our lives.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

lost mama, i posted a note to you with my views about your problem with your son. it is on the other thread. i read through all your posts last night, and it became clear as to what the problem is and why it happened. please read my post, and i apologize if i hurt your feelings. i just wanted to give you a wake up call.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Because I have an interest in the subject, off and on over the past few days, I've been reading the multiple threads (and hundreds of posts) about estrangement and it seems people are often so busy stomping around being "right", or obsessing over every little grievous hurt as if they were some special treasure, or, possibly the worst of all, plotting revenge (that in some cases extended to grandchildren not even born yet!) that I began to wonder if they had anything worthwhile to offer.

But then I find something like this:
"It's better to let go gracefully, than to make your son push you away so hard, you fall off the edge of his life."

*Staggering slightly from the Brick-Of-Universal-Truth that just hit me between the eyes*
Now THAT is a gem.
Thank you.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Patty2211:
What thread is your post on?


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

In some cases there is a lot of history and the estrangement is only triggered by one event, the problem was already there. I say I am estranged from both of my son's, but in reality from only the younger one. The other son lives a lifestyle (homeless) that's impossible for me to accept. He had 3 beautiful children and when his wife failed to care for them, he didn't step in and do it himself. He respects me enough not to call and worry me about his problems which no one can fix but himself. He will die alone in some alley or shelter because he doesn't know how to reach me. Another example of estrangement is my husband and his son and in reality both his daughters. He picked on his kids all their young life and when they grew up there was no bond. When I married him I didn't know about it. I did what my family does and had dinner's, barbecues, watermelon feeds, home made ice cream, etc. for several years, but there was no bonding there. When my husband died he lived with 20 miles of them all and he had not seen them since 2004, he died last year. It's heartbreaking, it can't be fixed unless all parties want it fixed and are willing to change.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Carinjuniperus~

My heartfelt sympathy on your estrangement! I can only tell you that with time, it does get better.

My daughter is estranged from me for 9 years now and although there will always be a sense of loss for me, I have found reason to live a life without her.

I too was very angry with her actions and I was not able to vent or discuss what I thought or felt, she denied me the opportunity. She did not want to discuss any issues. She just wanted a separation. There was a time when I couldn't imagine life without her; and yet now, I can not imagine life with her.

Reconciliation does happen and it may happen for you, but usually it is when both parties want to resolve the issues that separated them. It is of no use if one party wants to reconcile and the other party doesn't.

Your anger will subside with time, and you will be more at peace. For me, time has made me more accepting, a good thing. What bothers me most now is that although I love my daughter, I do not like her. Isn't a parent suppose to like their child? I am not angry or trying to seek punishment - I just don't like her!

That is what bothers me after 9 years.

Take care.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

I think this may be the subject about which I am currently agonizing. My late-20s daughter was consistently verbally abusive throughout her teens. I tried to correct her, but basically took it because she was a child. My husband spoiled her, buying her everything she wanted while I went without and wore secondhand clothing.
She is now pregnant(she has been married for several years). She hates me and was still verbally abusive during our last contact. She is far from home but still calls and writes other family members. She ignores me. I have received the vibe from her that she blames me: for what, I have no idea.
Now I have accidentally found out that she invited my mother to be there after the baby. I feel offended and bypassed. I know I have no control over what they do, but I would feel betrayed by my mother. How can I deal with this?


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Ask her straight out what she blames you for. Tell her that if there's something that you've done to her in her life that has really offended her that you'd like to know so that you could straighten it out/discuss it. Maybe that "something" has to do with miscommunication on someone's part... maybe yours, maybe hers.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Estrangement is estrangement, it doesn't matter what caused it, the pain usually is devastating. On another post, I questioned what to do because my estrangement from my daughter was caused by money.

I had to read between the lines many times, into her emails and comments. Doing so, I have no doubt that no one thing causes a son or daughter to end a relationship with a parent.

It's most probably a cumulative effect, resentments (justified or not) that were accumulated over years, perhaps a life-time.

I, for one, did not see it coming. Her decision hit me hard and came out of the blue. In retrospect, 20-20 hindsight, I see that all along the way there were blinking red lights.

Any attempts to seek counseling have been turned down. Little cards or emails I send are not acknowledged or are in a way that is cold and indifferent.

The pain, oh how it hurts, is magnified by realizing walking away on their part is somehow justified. Did I really deserve this? Those who know us best will probably say no. That doesn't reduce the hurt though...and it can destroy mentally, physically and emotionally.

What have I done? I've sought the advice of wise people and searched my soul. I wrote a letter of closure apologizing for anything I 'might' have done - it also assured her I would love her always.

I must protect myself though, for this would kill me if I didn't. Suddenly the Serenity prayer has more meaning:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

I will move forward with my life, despite it all. This will not destroy me.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Khandi, often times "children" seem lost and don't know what, if anything, is the issue. At other times they will pick on one small insignificant occurrence in their lives and blow that all out of proportion and call it a reason for estrangement. Sometimes, it's a matter of how we and they perceive things.

Here's an example: my daughter is 36. Until we became estranged, her CHIEF complaint was that I wouldn't allow soda and snacks in the house when the kids were growing up. She would often bring this up. We all, father and other sibs, laughed at her. But apparently, this is a big issue in her life - not the cause of the estrangement but by golly she brought it up in one of our final conversations. Do I believe this is a valid issue? No. However, I now believe that something is bothering her and either she doesn't know what it is or she isn't ready to talk yet.

A young neighbor's younger brother won't speak to her because he feels that their parents were more lenient with her than with him. She says she sees her parents as having treated them equally but needed to focus on different issues with each, she was a good student but a "bad" kid and her brother was a "good" kid but a lousy student. Their parents pushed him in the area of education but never needed to discipline him for behavioral issues. He only sees that their parents never nagged her to do her homework and to get good grades, totally losing sight of the fact that she spent more time being grounded in one year than he did until he moved out of the house. I didn't know them as young people so I can't say whose perception is correct and whose is incorrect - if either is, indeed, right or wrong.

'Tis a puzzlement.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

I am the mother of 4 daughters, ages 34, 32, 29 and 22. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. My husband and our other three daughters have been estranged from our oldest daughter/sister for about 10 years. For a brief period of about a year during this 10 year span of our estrangement, we were able to re-establish a relationship with our daughter and even got to visit she and her husband over a weekend. Following this visit our daughter broke off the relationship again. Estrangement from your child has to be the most difficult thing a parent could ever face, more particularly I think, for a mother.
What have I learned? Realizing that I can only change myself and that changing myself has to take priority in my life. Be honest. Make improvements and recognize with God's help I can improve. Learn something new! A book that has helped me so much is by Joel Osteen, "Your Best Life Now." That the things we put into our minds, the things we say are going to play out in our life. Really love and embrace your other children. They need to know they are really cared about and they receive as much attention as the one we feel we have lost and grieve over. I have found that I can turn to other famiy members that care about me/us for support.

And even with all the sources and resources that help I find times when I'm really sad, Christmas is especially hard. I miss my daughter. I love her so much!! I want her back in my life!!!

I read on some site where a mother suggested making a memory box where you fill it with all the things you hold most dear about that child. I think I will do that.

Thank you for this forum where mother's can share from the heart and others understand. I am always open to suggestions and help.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Both of my sons have taken me down the "abandonment" path. They wiped the floor, with me as the mop. My youngest son (both in their 30s) decided to blame his poor choices in life (alcoholism, loss of job, loss of parenting time, etc.)on me. I didn't speak to him for 5 months and he came crawling back with all the normal apologies, etc. I have let him back in my life, but I do not buy into any of his problems, circumstances, etc. My eldest son has decided he cannot speak to me, allow me in his home or his vehicle, but I can see his 2 children via his wife. I do see the grandkids, but I have now made the choice to grieve the loss of our relationship. I am now in the "anger" phase. How dare he disrespects me when I have never done anything malicious, evil or otherwise to him. I do believe there are some issues between him and my dil, but it is no wonder if he speaks to her/kids like he did me. She has always been good to me, but she is now telling me "I have to stand by my husband." I think it is a crock, because she is at her mom's/sister's house most of the time. They need to do what they think is right and I need to "save" my spirit, mind, and body. I can't live in the toxic shadow of my son's disrespect and poor choices. I will move on as I have in every other bad circumstance in my life. These people we put on this Earth have to live with themselves, but I don't have to. I always put the worst case scenario in my mind and I have done that. If it turns out better, I will be glad; but if it doesn't, I will be able to live a happy, productive life. Give yourself a break and be happy.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Keep coming back donesonmom-whether we agree on the same course of action or not we still support your right to your feelings and opinions. How long has the estrangement been-mine is less than a month. I am very happy to have found this site and able to connect with other mothers going through this. I always wonder why we never hear from fathers. My son's father died 3 years ago and he did not go the funeral. God bless you all.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

"I do believe there are some issues between him and my dil, but it is no wonder if he speaks to her/kids like he did me."

You know that if a child speaks to his/her parent disrespectfully, he/she is also speaking to the spouse in that manner also.


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

i urge everyone here to check out this new site for estrangement issues-i joined up today

http://estrangedstories.ning.com


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

I ALSO HAVE AN ESTRANGED SON. I BELIEVE IT STARTED WHEN HE MET THE GIRL HE MARRIED. I MARRIED YOUNG WAS IN N.C. WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND HAD 2 CHILDREN. HE PUT ME THROUGH SOME TERRIBLE THINGS SO WE DIVORSED. I STAYED IN N.C. I HAD A GOOD JOB. I MET A MARINE IT WAS IN THE LATE 60'S EARLY 70'S. THINGS WERE DIFFERENT BACK THAN. I LATER MARIED HIS FATHER THE MARINE. WE WERE MARIED FOR 10 YEARS. HE WENT DOWN THE DRUG PATH AND HIS FRIENDS WERE EVERYTHING WE WERE NOTHING. HE CHEETED LIED AND I NEVER KNEW WHEN HE WOULD BE HOME. I TRIED TO HELP HIM BUT HE NEEDED TO HELP HIMSELF. FINIALY WE DIVORCED. WE HAD 2 CHILDREN. I RAISED 4 CHILDREN I REMARIED TO MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND WHO I HAVE BEEN WITH FOR 26 YEARS. HE WAS GOOD TO ALL MY CHILDREN. I WORKED NIGHTS TO BE HOME WITH THE KIDS THAN I WORKED 2 JOBS TO RASE MY KIDS. I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL AND THEY NEVER WANTED FOR ANYTHING. I NEVER GOT MONEY FROM MY X HUSBAND. HE HAD A STROKE AND WHAT WAS THE SENSE. MY YOUNGEST SON WHO WE DID MOST FOR MARRIED A GIRL AND NOW WE ARE ESTRANGED.
I HAVE NINE GRANDCHILDREN AND WORK HARD TO HELP OUT AND DO THE RIGHT THINGS BY MY KIDS AND THERE KIDS. WHY WHEN YOU TRY SO HARD. DO THEY BLAME YOU. THEY GOT MARRIED WHEN MY FATHER WAS VERY SICK HE DIED 1 MONTH AFTER THEY MARRIED. WE WENT THROUGH AN ESTRANGEMENT FOR 3 MONTHS. NOW AFTER MY MOTHER DIES A YEAR AFTER HE DOSE IT AGAIN. THEY SAY I LIE. SOMETIMES I TRY TO DO SO MANY THINGS. I CAN'T DO ALL FOR ALL OF THEM. I DON'T LIE. SOMETIMES THE MONEY IS TIGHT. IT ALSO STARTED WHAN I GOT 3 DAUGHTER IN LAWS AROUND THE SAME TIME MY SON'S MARIED. ALL -----BROKE LOOSE WITH THE GIRLS. I COULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. OR GIVE ENOUGH. I'M 60 STILL WORKING 2 JOBS AND I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO MOVE PAST THIS. CARE ABOUT THE ONES WHO CARE ABOUT ME AND MY HUSBAND. IT IS NOW MY TURN. I HAVE HAD CHILDREN SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD THEY ARE NOW 42, 41, 38, AND 33 AND IT'S THE YOUNGEST THAT BENEFITED THE MOST BECAUSE WE WERE IN A MUCH BETTER FINANCIAL POSITION. HE IS THE ONE THAT IS ESTRANGED. 1ST HIS OLDER BROTHER HE PICKED A FIGHT WITH HIM. THAN HIS WIFE AND MY OTHER SON'S WIFE HAD ISSUES. NOW HE DOSN'T SPEEK TO THEM. WHEN HE AND HIS WIFE GOT UPSET WITH ME AND WOULDN'T TALK TO ME MY DAUGHTER HIS FULL SISTER COULDN'T BELIEVE THE DISRESPECT AND THEY HAVE NOT SPOKEN EITHER. OH GOD. WITH MY MOTHER AND FATHER GONE. THIS SEEMS SO AWFUL. LIKE ANOTHER DEATH AND BY THE WAY HE HAS 2 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WHO I NOW DON'T SEE. HIS WIFE HAS 2 BROTHERS AND HER PARENTS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MARRIED. I FEEL THEY HAVE BECOME HIS PARENTS AND HER BROTHERS HIS AND TO ------WITH US. ALL I KNOW IS, SISTERS WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT AND WITH OUT THEM RIGHT NOW. IT IS THEIR CHOISE NOT OURS. IT IS ALSO THERE LOSE. BUT, SHOULD I STILL SEND CARDS FOR OCCASIONS. I HAVE BEEN???


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Sue,

These are old forums.

There are reasons for estrangement. It doesn't just happen.

Since these are old forums, I've included a link here for parent's and their adult children who may want to explore these issues in greater depth. It may be of help.

You do not have to suffer in silence or alone. Best of luck to you all.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Sue..
the references are not old forums.. www.estrangedstories.com is very active and comforting to know that you are not alone. I like the link that Flower posts but please note that Fiona is a therapist and while her posts are excellent, she has an agenda.. just like Dr Coleman, Mark Sichel and others who have deemed themselves "experts" on estrangement. This is a tough topic. Everyone's story is different, but in the end.. the outcomes are the same. Dr Coleman and Mark Sichel have actually experienced estrangement .. I don't know if the person (Fiona) who writes the E-stranged blog has experienced it herself.
You really have to weigh everything for your self, but as Flower says.. you do not have to suffer in silence or alone... there are plenty of opportunities for support... even www.dailystrength.org

big hug....


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Sue and others,

Let me clarify--the old forums of which I referred to was this one. The last comment prior to Sue's was dated January 17, 2009.

I provided a link to an active site where discussions are ongoing. I personally have found it insightful, helpful, respectful as well as comforting.

Fiona, who maintains the blog does not hide the fact that she is a therapist. I personally do not devalue her contributions to the subject because of her profession. She also has indicated that she too has experienced estrangement.

In her own words, in response to a reader inquiring whether or not she experienced estrangement herself she writes, "Indeed I am estranged from a number of family members, in fact, estrangement is something of an intergenerational family legacy in our family! I sincerely hope that my voice of experience when coupled with my professional understandings allows me to write directly from my heart to yours.

Take care,
Fiona

As to the comment that she has an agenda, I have no idea what this means. She hasn't made herself out as an expert, although she has indicated that she has been conducting research on family estrangement--if that is the "agenda" that the above commenter is suggesting.

I would agree that it is a tough topic and that everyone's story is unique. I do not agree with the comment, "...but in the end...the outcomes are the same." That is one person's opinion and not the TRUTH for everyone.

You do have to weigh everything for yourself. As for me I see great value in research, articles and a blog maintained by not only a professional, but also a respectful voice of experience. I also find the dialogue respectful as well, which I will add I haven't found on other sites and forums.

There are other opportunities for support, I would only encourage you and others to find the best fit for you.

You do not have to suffer in silence or alone.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone.
I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc.
Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?


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RE: For those whose adult children are estranged....

Hurtsomuch,

First, I would like to say that I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. There are reasons for estrangement. It doesn't just happen.

I've included a link here for parent's and their adult children who may want to explore these issues in greater depth. It may be of help.

I urge you to take a look at the website below.

You do not have to suffer in silence or alone. Best of luck to you with these issues.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged


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