Don't sweat the small losses, and most of it is small losses! Don't try to figure out the rules, because just as you DO, the rules will change!

Thank you for sharing your story, Gayle. You were very brave to get out of that relationship. It must not have been easy. What you are saying makes sense to me. Stuff has a way of exerting control; of owning its owner, if we let it. I have sometimes used the idea of the Amish as an ideal. Some of the things they do don't make sense to me, but the general idea is that they live without many of the things that we take for granted, such as telephones in the home, electric devices, and other trappings of civilization. So I have distilled down their idea. If a technology stands in the way of happiness, then I can live without it. (Your short essay has helped me to see how I have expanded the idea of "do without' to include the layer of unneeded stuff that seems to coat many people's lives in an obscure grunge.) I make little efforts to simplify my life, even if it means a bit of inconvenience. I'd rather have a little inconvenience than be at the beck and call of a technology or possession or any other inanimate object that has the potential to rule my life. My happiness is so much more important then the illusion of security created by an insulating blanket of stuff. I hope that you are able to find a new balance in your life. Like you said, you'd rather fill your mind with happy things. That is a good goal for any of us.

Try starting with a clean slate. Your son is at an age of self accountability and should make decissions based on right or wrong, not on what his parents want. Of course parents want thier children to make the right decisions, so please don't take that the wrong way. My suggestion is you sit him down and tell him all the good things you have told us about him, let him know what a bright individual you think he is and that you know he wants to be trusted. Tell him right now he has lost some or all of you and your husbands trust due to his recent action. Tell him you want to give him the opportunity to earn that trust back and you are wiping the slat clean and starting fresh to give him the opportunity to earn your trust back. Explain that he has chores because he is part of your family and in every family every one has to take part in chores so it is not left to just mom and dad to work and do all of the house work. Besides next year he will be 18 years old and can get a place of his own, then he will have to do ALL the housework with no one to split the duties with. Tell him you are giving him an opportunity to regain your trust by allowing him to start fresh. Lay down your rules again, but this time in writing and have him sign the agreement stating he understands your rules and is willing to abide by them as long as he lives in your household. In return he will experience more freedom by regaining your trust through making good decisions for himself. Put the ball in his field. He is after all 17, one more year and he can live on his own, he needs to be treated more like an adult then a juvenile. Concequences for adult decisions can be far more drastic then what you can hand out. Once he lives on his own, he will make the decisions for his own household and his outlook will be different. For him to only now, at 17, to be acting out, he has done better then most teens who have acted out at a much earlier age. Much credit to you both as parents. He may be struggling between teenage and adult years in his own mind. It's just a suggestion, toss it if you don't agree.

doodle, you are right, my SD's mom doesn't work (never has) and moved for a guy she just met, yet she is always 'too busy' to come pick up her daughter and when her daughter is there, she leaves her with BF's parents because they have 'plans' and when SD calls her, she is constantly trying to get off the phone, telling SD to 'call me back in an hour' and when she does, she gets the voice mail. So, it's not a case of moving for a job or even a husband and she used to be very involved with her girls before she left. She complains that WE don't keep her informed. Well, it's the parent's responsibility to keep themselves informed of their kids' life. We send her school bulletins & information, but it's her responsibility to go to the school and talk with teachers or show an interest. She doesn't hardly talk to her daughter... going to the school might shock me. My point isn't that parents should never move away and that there aren't good reasons. I think finedreams and her ex co-parented from different countries (if I remember correctly) and distance doesn't have to be a barrier. But, if the CP is not cooperative and the kids' relationship with the NCP is suffering or if they are being raised in a manner that the NCP feels is harmful, then the NCP has the option to seek custody or move closer to their kids. You cannot be a long distance parent with much control if the CP disregards your input. It's clear that in this case, the CP is doing that and the kids are also rejecting dad's input. Dad has few options. He can let it go and hopefully resume his relationship with his kids when they are older (as adults) if his relationship (or his kid's lives) aren't permanently damaged, or he can move closer and get more involved. It would be great if he and his ex could get on the same page and agree, but it doesn't sound like they agree on much. It's affecting his kids' attitudes toward dad so while mom1sm2 may be lucky to have a cooperative parenting partners in her situation, it's more difficult to have that when one person doesn't want it. If it were MY kids, I would not have moved away... but if my ex moved my kids away from me, I would first fight it and if I lost that fight, I would follow my kids because I would not want to be a long distance parent. I do think it is all about priorities and while moving for a job is usually something people use to justify moving away from their kids, I don't think it's always a justification. Personally, I would take a lower paying job to be more involved with my kids. It's a sacrifice I would make. If someone chooses the higher paying job (or just moving for any other reason), then they have less room to complain about how their kids are being raised.