Dear Adaughter, There are many qualities that your mother shares with mine. I don't remember hearing "I love you" from her until I was 23 and getting married. She was not affectionate in our home yet when we would travel to her sister's home I would stand back and watch her hug and show other physical affection to my cousins who were just a few years older than I. Still, while in their home, she did not show that to me. She was either extremely critical of me or proud when I achieved the near perfection in school that she could brag about. There wasn't an in between with her. I was estranged from my mother from the ages of 20 until I married at 23. She disowned me because I moved in with my boyfriend. She wrote me horrible letters and refused to allow anyone in the family to see me or talk to me. If they would have they would have paid dearly. When I became engaged I went to her and told her. She wanted to plan a big church wedding and act as though nothing had happened. I said no and that we were going to have a very small wedding in our home. She again became furious with me. I told her not to come if she felt that way. She and my dad did come and acted as though everything had always been fine. During the years that we were estranged I began to suffer panic attacks. I went from being a self confident, fit and attractive young woman to being an over weight, nervous wreck that couldn't even go to the grocery store with having a panic attack. She broke me. Through the years of my marriage she never spoke of what happened between us. It happened again for about a year when I disagreed with her about something. How we reconciled then I cannot remember. She was a hard woman to get along with. She had estranged many of the family relationships throughout my childhood. Those with my father's family and with members of her own family. She was a miserable woman. I have two children that she and my dad were crazy about. I told myself that I would not allow her to cause me to behave in a way that I would later regret. I made sure that she and my dad had as much time to spend with my kids as possible. I bit my tongue, smiled and agreed with her, let things go. Whatever it took. My mom passed away 10 years ago. ( I am 49 ) I am plagued at times by her problems and very sad that she could not manage her way through this life without causing such hurt to those that loved her the most and to herself. I don't understand it. I know she had a mother that treated her badly. Evidently she could not break the chain. I have never regretted taking the high rode. She was my mother and I loved her. If you can work things out in your head and heart to love your mom as she is and set limits for how close you will allow her to be in your life then maybe you can manage a relationship with her at a distance. Many times becoming estranged from your mom only makes you feel worse. It doesn't ever go away. You will think of her with painful remorse and longing at every birthday party, every Christmas and many days when you wish that you could just talk. The relationship will never be what it should and that is very sad. I suggest, from personal experience that you think about what will be easier for you to live with. She will die someday, maybe tomorrow and you will have the rest of your live with the choice that you made. I wish you well. I'm sorry that you have to live with a relationship like this when it should be your sweetest of moments. I truly do understand.

Garden60, I want you to know that I am copying your letter to forward to my hubby's email! He just has to read this for himself, because it is so like my situation with our dil that it's surreal. My dil wasn't quite as nasty as yours, but she was right up there, nearly neck and neck. Yes, it is the groom's parents who get to pick the place for the rehearsal dinner as well as any plans for it. Yet, my dil also took that small part I had to play away from me, on the sly! She lied to me, & my son, and of course he bought it as he buys every single thing she tells him. It's as if he is hypnotized....or more accurately, brainwashed! It is going to be a tough month for you! However, with your younger sons b-day now also, I would focus all your attention on him. I can't believe the way your son snubbed his brother at the wedding! My son also couldn't choose my youngest son to be his only best man, so he chose two best men! I had never heard of this, and it infuriated me that my son would not just have his younger brother be his only bestman, which is certainly usually the case. I know it was dil. In fact my son told me that dil told him that many grooms choose two best men! This is when I expressed surprise about him doing this. We had to tell our son hours before the wedding that his brother should at least be the first down the isle, and not his best friend. Imagine that we had to tell him to do that?!! At least he listened to us on that one. I'm surprised dil didn't step in and put her foot down that it wasn't going to be that way. My son still had part of his brain in his possession at that time. The similarities between our two sons is hard to believe! I know I've said this over and over again, but I just can't get over it. There are many similarities with all of our stories to be sure, but ours is the same sex, with a younger brother, a NPD dil, etc. I imagine many of the children being talked about on this forum are NPDs too, or else their mates are. They can also have a mental illness such as Ginny's daughter. Garden60, as far as your husband goes, here are my thoughts. I've never heard carrots or raw vegetables are not good for them! They are some of the best things they can eat, and especially in between meals since the carbohydrates are so low! Fruit has a higher carbohydrate than most veggies, so that will need to be worked into the diet, unless of course he is having a low blood sugar. If he's having a low blood sugar, that is an excellent time to have a small glass of juice followed up by a piece of fresh fruit. Fruits have a wide range of variation regarding carbohydrate too. For instance, Strawberries are very low in carbs and high in fiber. As a fruit exchange, one can have lots more strawberries than say grapes. I'd be happy to share my knowledge with you if you'd like. I've been doing this for over 20 years and know it all too well. I just wrote a person today giving them information and advice on how to handle a newly diagnosed little girl. I volunteer to do this since I remember all to well how difficult it was when our baby was diagnosed. It is my chance to help others. A cheese stick or beef stick is certainly not a bad choice as long as it is not the snack he has every time. The biggest reason behind either of those two snack would be the fat and salt content. Protein has a very small effect on the blood sugar since it is digested very slowly, thus avoiding any spikes. In fact, when my son was very little, we would always give him a fairly high protein snack to make it through the night since it lasted so much longer than anything else. He still does this after he has worked out, or just been overly active. With all the low fat and low sodium items out there, I wouldn't be surprised if you couldn't get the beef sticks with less sodium. Even if you don't, one beef stick is certainly low enough not to worry about it, it's only if he intends on sitting down and eating a handful or more that would cause concern. I know you can get low fat cheese, which would eliminate at least some of the problem. Is your husband on insulin, or just diet? If he's on insulin, there are many things I can recommend to help his numbers improve. If he is on diet only (or using pills that boost the amount of insulin his pancreas makes,) then I can still give advice, however it's much harder making your numbers good with diet alone. When he does have higher readings, tell him to drink plenty of water since this help flush the glucose out of his system quicker. Even modest exercise makes a huge difference, such as a stroll right after dinner, or leisurely bike ride. Let me know some of the details and I'll be happy to give more advice. If you'd like, you could post your email and I will send you the advice that way. I do understand if you don't want to post it at this forum though. The only reason I don't want to post mine is that I'm afraid that my son would find this site by doing a search for my yahoo address. This is exactly how I found out all the information about him, and I certainly don't want him reading anything I write here. If you have an email account that is less used, such as google mail, that would be a better choice. That's entirely up to you though. Hang in there with the difficult month you have. I think your making the right choice with the b-day card. From what I've read on this site, it doesn't seem to matter how many cards, phone calls, or other methods of communication we make, they are all rejected, ignored or not acknoweldged. anniebal

I'm sorry I can't think of a way to say this gently -- But it sounds like you have planned the rest of your life with a "me and my daughter" mentality, and the time for that mindset appropriately ended about 10 years ago. After a late start, it seems your daughter has managed to launch herself into a successful, independent adult life. And while it may not feel like it right now, that's a good thing and as it should be. For her, that is. Now what about you? Well, I'd say it's time to do the same -- Time to launch your own idependent adult life. You're no longer responsible for your child, only for yourself. And if you're healthy, you're far from old and still have many options. Where would you truly prefer to live? (Planning only for yourself -- NOT around your daughter.) Where can you afford to live now, work now, saving a bit each year? Forgive your daughter. Just turn around and walk away -- walking off in your own direction. Walk toward what you want, not away from her. And let her know you'll be happy to see her wherever, whenever.

I am assuming that you really are this young woman's father & that you do have her best interests at heart & that you therefore will understand & appreciate the following. note to forum: If you know this young woman, give *her* the contact information on this thread rather than emailing information to the poster. I sympathize with a parent trying to find a child, but the poster may not be the parent, could be a stalker or a 21st century Ted Bundy (serial killer).