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Immature Adult kids

Posted by mrsmaddog (My Page) on
Tue, Apr 29, 08 at 12:50

My DH's oldest is 25, recently split with his live-in GF19, and moved into my MIL's house. We almost had him move in with us, but now I am so glad we did not. Our house is already full, and my past experince with my adult SSs living here was not good.They were slobs, and DH felt that since they worked they were exempt from chores, despite their added messes.One SS threw away dishes so he wouldn't have to wash them!I could not ask them to do anything, and they pretended to listen to their father.
In less than one month, MIL is already complaining to DH about my SS. He doesn't pay her rent, and she just loaned him $$$$ to pay off his car. She asks him to do chores, but also expects him to be proactive and do certain chores without being asked.
He works for DH, is supposed to pay his bills and the loan and save money so he can get his own place in the near future. All he wants to do is go out every night, like he's still a teenager. He complains about how tired he is.
At 25, DH was married and had 4 kids, was in the military and worked part-time to feed those kids.Most of our peers were also married and raising families at 25 or younger. We know a lot of 25 yr old "kids" today who act 18.
I know we cannot change an adult, and Grandma should tell my SS this herself and stop complaining to DH.DH in turn complains to me.
BTW-I know my MIL fairly well, and I knew this was going to happen, but that's another story.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Immature Adult kids

Is there any way you can get everyone together to discuss this? Either under the guise of a dinner get-together or up front stating we all should talk about unresolved issues. That way no one can say "so-and-so said this and so-and-so said that". Sounds like you and your MIL are on the same wave length and could stand up for each other.

RE: Immature Adult kids

Did the GF move back with her parents? or was he living off her and she booted him too???

I have my 21 year old son that left when he was 18 because he said he was a 'grown up' and could do what he wants. He didn't want my rules or to be told anything. He bounced around from place to place, wearing out his welcome. He also ended up with my mom for a year before coming back here. She also was giving him money and didn't expect him to do anything and then complaining to me. I told her that it's her problem, she let him move in. When he came back here, I laid down the expectations I have up front and he called my mom to complain. She called me up and wanted me to ease up on him. I offered to bring him back to her and she said "no, never mind, do it your way." He's been here six months (was supposed to be six to eight weeks) and has been working for three months (he did get two jobs) but has not saved much money. I took his last paychecks totalling about $600 to save and he's got until his next paychecks, which is another $600 and then he needs to go. He's been a terrible influence on my younger son (buying alcohol and getting him to stay out all night) and it's time he needs to make another go of it.

25 is way past time to go. MIL is enabling him if she paid off his car and gives him money. She also has to be proactive and make him do what she expects. My mom once called me to complain that my son won't help her around the house and I asked her "how is he going online? I see he's online right now." He was on myspace. She said, "that's what I mean. He's in his room and won't listen to me." and I told her to go walk over to the phone outlet (she has dial up) and disconnect the internet. She's paying for it and it's her house, she has every right to expect him to help and you can't give them mixed messages. Your husband should be supportive and if she needs him there to back her up, fine. But she needs to lay down her expectations and consequences too.

RE: Immature Adult kids

My brother has the same situation as the one talked about here. He has twin daughters, both 24. On lives with him, after living out in the world for several years. He complains about her, the mess, etc etc.

I think sometimes people get themselves into these situations and then complain. He complains about her dog...but he allowed her to get a dog, fully knowing he would not like it ! Well WHY did you do it !! (thats to him).

I am sure she would rather be out in the world but housing is a problem. If she rents, she has to share, she has done that, but didn't particularly like it. Purchasing a cheap house, or apartment, is difficult too.

I am not sure where its going to end up, basically she must move out and share a place with other people, because that is her only option. She would need a few thousand dollars to arrange all that, but usual story, doesn't save money.

Maybe parents in these situations, just have to put their foot down, make demands, say "this is how it will be" and stick to the rules.

RE: Immature Adult kids

He and GF were renting a house, he paid about 2/3 of the rent.So we were told. He says she asked him to keep paying half, because she can't do it on her own. I only know half of the story, so nothing would surprise me.

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