This is an unfortunate but all-too-common situation. Many elders with dementia cause these kinds of problems for caregivers. And it can be worse; some caregivers can find themselves in legal trouble, being accused of/charged with elder abuse. It's a horrible situation in which to be. Your niece has been targeted by your mother; that is red flag behavior. Now if everyone in the family knows what is happening and agrees that your mother has dementia and that is what is causing her behavior, then the situation might not be a problem. But what if there is a relative, neighbor, friend who has his/her own personal agenda and would like your niece to find herself in trouble? A simple call to Social Services is all is takes. This kind of situation happens quite a lot, especially in very dysfunctional families. It sounds like I'm paranoid and perhaps I am, but I've read about too many instances of good people finding themselves in hot water, appearing before the court claiming their innocence, and having to hire criminal defense attorneys just to clear their name. And the ironic thing is that the people who make these accusations usually do nothing to find out the truth of the matter. They remain vocal critics but do nothing to get the caregiver's side of the story or to help provide any caregiving responsibilities. It seems that the more dysfunctional the family dynamic, the greater the likelihood that some legal mischief will occur. So be sure to protect your niece from any spurious accusations, even if they are from a relative with dementia. Look into consulting with a Geriatric Case Manager to find our the best possible solution to this situation. It will be well worth your time and investment to do so. God bless, Mary Ruff-King

It has been one year since my last posting.... I have stop the verbal abuse about one year now, something changed in me after my last posting, I learned to control my urge to lash out, I wrote a couple of long letters to my husband when I felt angry during the past year, no abuse, just how I truly felt, we talked afterwards and we learned to not yelled at each other anymore. It is now a year from my last posting, I found myself in a different situation and needing help again..... My husband has been doing very well at his new job (one year now), he gets up 5:30AM-6AM in the morning and easily puts in 60 hours/week every week. He seems much more confident and much happier since he started his job, he tries very hard at it, his boss even told him, don't try to do everything himself and afraid he might get burned out. I know he is doing it for us, I appreciate it and have shown more love to him. We haven't fought much, he has learned to start hugging me when we disagree, it stops the escalation of emotions and it seems to work very well with us, we have gotten much closer the past few months with me being much softer, more giving and understanding. About 1 months ago, I started to feel this hollowness in my heart, I felt it the strongest last Wed night when walking in the parking lot going to my yoga class. I felt alone and my heart was aching..... I started to realized I feel very alone in the relationship, while my husband is trying hard to provide for us financially, I start to not feel the love and tenderness that he has shown in the past (perhaps the verbal abuse from me in the past has affected him in a long lasting way). I am often left alone to deal with my sadness, he stays away when I am in a sad mood, in his mind, he is giving me time to work out my emotions, to me he doesn't care enough. My husband doesn't seem to have ownership of the marraige, such as take initiative to see what needs fixing around the house, clean out the garage or knowing my car needs fixing but never bother to ask if I needed a ride? He would only do certain things when I ask him to, I start to wonder how much he cares about our life together? He gets defensive after I ask him if he has done certain things (often time he has not done them)....so I don't bring them up anymore..... Little things start to accumulate in my mind, I sometimes feel unhappy but don't want to make a big deal out of things, but they seem to all came at once last Wed night. This hollow feeling in my heart.... I tried hard to forget but perhaps I have never forgiven him for the fights we had during my miscarriage in late 2006, perhaps I have never forgiven him for playing golf with his friends the day after my Mom's operation to remove a tumor, he fight with me when he got home while I had been in the hospital for over 12 hours and was both physically and mentally exhausted.... (he has always been very supportive, I know no one is perfect, but these 2 things always surface when I feel down), I don't know if it is something my heart is trying to tell me....

I am having the same problem , i know my husband for 7 years but married a year and half my son was 7 when we met, he decided to call him daddy but he was okay and he started treating my son badly, i left in 2019 for him to get help, he did and we got married in 2020 he was good to my son in the entire 2020 till our marriage in dec 2020 my son got on very well with him then we moved into a house he bought and then the nonsense started he shows no love and reprimands my son all the time and we have to walk on egg shells with him, he treats my son badly and says i dont shout at my son or reprimands him which i always do and give him the rope to discipline him, but nothing my son does or say is right in his eyes, i left in may 2022 and he still is picking on my son ,but even he did go for counselling but nothing has changed i cannot expose my son to this, because i choose my son all the time, and i will always, my son is 12 now, and he does not want to ever see my husband again and he said he will never ever call him dad he has damaged my child and therefore i will never go back, he is toxic and a narcissist, he has uprooted my son and my life so many times and i have had enough and i am done, i love my child too much to allow him to treat him this way, i love my husband as well, but at the end what is the sense in having a house but not a home.My son is my life and i will not allow anyone to treat him that way, i dont deny my son does things and is naughty as well, but to be treated like you always wrong is not on, my son talked about suicide as well, so that we can be happy and that pushed me over the edge,i wont lose my child to a man, i also have cancer and he is the one that is aggravating my cancer because i stress so much what is he doing to my son, we are emotionally abused by this man, he walked away from 2 marriages because of the children and by the way it way his own so there is no way he will tolerate mine. any advise for me

Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression. 2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much. 3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home. 4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same. And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me. xx