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Okay-so rent and disrespect

Posted by karenj (My Page) on
Thu, Apr 10, 08 at 10:20

Helpful people on this forum have confirmed what I have known all along--that I really need to charge rent to my 2 adult children. In the past I have discussed this with my husband, as I had to do this as soon as I started my first job at 15. He did not. I was just wondering, for those of you who have done this, how a figure was arrived at? (it would go into accounts for them)
On a side note re: my previous post--the mess doesn't bother me, as I just shut the door, but the dirt does. When you can write your name in the dust and there are cobwebs and dead bugs, I draw the line.
My other question had to do with the consequences of disrespect. Things have been said to me that I would NEVER have said to my mother. It's very hurtful, but how to end it? TIA Karen


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

My children are young, so I do not have experience with adult children. But have you just tried telling them how much it hurts you to be talked to that way?

As far as rent, what about splitting all the bills into fourths(I am assuming that it is you, dh, and 2 adult children in home). Then each adult child will be responsible for paying the equivalent of 1/4 of the bills (mortgage and utilities), of course lower the cost if they are not making enough to cover it.

My friends parents charged her rent when she moved in with them for a while as an adult. They also put the money she paid away for her so when she was able to move out they gave her that money to put towards whatever she needed for her new place. She had not idea that was what they were doing with her rent money! It really helped her out and it was really her money they were saving!


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

I haven't had that exact experience, My boys came back home from out of state and it only took them 3 months to get a job and save for rent. But I know what it's like, mine had a wife and 3 kids. LOL

In your situation I would just pick a figure like $200. a month and do not tell him you are saving it for him. If they were earning a good wage I would set a deadline for them to save enough money to pay the required deposit and rent, utility deposits, etc.. The money they have paid you in rent could be applied to those costs. I personally would clean the room. If they didn't want me to go through their personal stuff when I clean, I would tell them I won't tolerate the mess. It is your business, it is your home and they have to clean the room. In my opinion and it's not a popular opinion, I think parents think they will lose the love of their children or they just don't want to fight with them. It takes a strong person to lay out rules and follow through with them. Personally I didn't have the mess problem, my kids were raise in a clean house that's want they were used to. There is no way I would tolerate their disrespect.

My husband hated watching our kids mismanage their money then come to us and borrow our savings. But he was afraid he would lose their love if he didn't give them what they wanted.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

Once, when my sister was a teenager, my dad was lecturing her and telling her about how much things she has cost. He was trying to get her to appreciate what he provided. She told him 'I don't need your F**ing money!' and stormed off. About a week or two later, she had her best friend over and they wanted to go to the mall. Her friend kept whispering in her ear and nudging her but she stood there. After a while, she finally came over and asked dad for $20 to go to the mall (this was in the 70's) and he said, 'I thought you didn't need my money?' and she apologized.

Telling them it hurts to be talked to that way isn't going to have the same impact on grown kids as it does on little ones. When the grown kids are talking to you like that, it's usually because they are rebelling and trying to find their independence and feel like a grown up. I tell my kids that if they want to be treated like a grown up, then talking to me like that is only going to make me treat them more like a child. I tell them that is not how grown ups relate to each other. If I go to work and tell my boss what you told me, I'd get fired. My kids were told (when they were small) they can't cuss because they are kids so when my kids got older and then think it's the grown up thing to cuss every other word and I tell them that it is not how grown ups talk. There are times grown ups use those words and probably shouldn't but kids should never use them. I have to tell them how to behave like a grown up but they think 'I'm 18, I can do what I want'.

I charged my older one $50 a week after he turned 18. I didn't charge anything if they were in school (and doing well).


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

I would not charge a rent but i would tell them to put certain amount of money away each month so they can move out in a year. isn't it why grown kids live with parents so they can save for the future? if they have no plans to move out any time soon, then I would ask what are their plans. they got to have some kind of plan for the future.

as about being disrespectful or rude, it is a bit late to teach them when they are in their 20s. DD is once in awhile rude when she is under stress and she apologizes. but usually it is too late to teach respct at this age.

as about rebellion: the best way to rebel is to get their own place and get a good job and be on your own. It is kind of easy to be rebellious under mom's wing. kind of silly to demand independence and still live at home. nothing is wrong wiht living at home but then you should forget about rebelling.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

When my step daughter was a young adult, we were discussing movies. I told I didn't understand why every other word in a movie has to be f** this and f** that. She said that is the way people talk. I told her they don't talk that way around me, you're hanging with the wrong people. BTW, she didn't talk that way around me either.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

Let me clarify--None of my children were ever allowed to disrespect me, under any circumstances. Nor is it frequent. As mentioned by imamommy, the consequence of doing that to an employer would be to get fired, but I can hardly fire my children. Also their paychecks go directly into their accounts so they ARE saving. They do not waste money. BTW finedreams I didn't say they were rebelious.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

I paid 1/2. It seemed to work. If I was gonna pay that, I could get any roommate, that wasn't my mom (read "more swell/hip/cool" here). Now if you're after something other than getting them on their own two feet, charge something different. You can't eat your cake and still have it. Either they can save money and or they can pay money. Not both at the same time. In my estimation, kids today don't understand the value of a dollar because they never have to do without anything. Parents today give their kids too much! Kids today could stand a good kick to the curb (but be ready to help them when then TRULY need help). It's how I figured out a budget and that somethings were more important than my wants, like rent instead of new clothes. Thank you MOM! I respect you for teaching me a hard lesson, but supporting me when I needed you too.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

rob, one of my friend's daughter's went through a time when she was not going to school and she was making failing grades. Her mom sat her down and told her, your dad can support us without my pay and if you don't stay in school, I will quit my job and set outside the door of every class you have. My friend is a very strong women and her daughter knew her Mom would do just what she said she would. She stayed in school and years later she thanked her mom for being strict with her.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

Rent is a contentious issue.

Perhaps you could consider some lateral thinking. We want our adult children to be responsible and realize that you must contribute to a household, that nobody gets a free ride.

My DH, bought the family a TV, when he was that age, and he was the first one to buy a car, so he used to drive his parents and siblings around in his car.

He didn't pay rent.

But he certainly contributed to the household.

Its the "doing" that has lasting memories. He remembers the TV and so does his mother...I doubt they would remember the "token" rent money.

Just another way to look at things.

Remember, life is painting happy memories, do things with that in mind.

P


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

My daughter (22) just moved back in with us six months ago, after breaking up with her live in BF. I made a point of telling her not to pay rent, but to save her money to maybe buy a house of her own. Well, that never happened. She started partying out with her friends more and more until finally her job got in the way so she cut her hours down to part time so she could go out more. She didn't save anything, in fact she spent outrageous amounts on clothes, concerts, bar tabs, and an expensive digital camera ($800 and it was used!). I realize that she's older now and I'm not suppose to interfere with her life, but I totally snapped last Saturday morning when she still wasn't in by 9 a.m. from Friday night. I text msg'd her and told her to just get some of her things and stay wherever she had spent the night at. I also said that she should find another place to live as soon as she could. (She had told me previously after another one of her all nighters that she had just passed out on the sofa of where she was at.)
I did e-mail her (and she did read it) and tell her that if she could get her act together and stop partying, she could still stay with us, but she didn't answer back. I don't know what else I should have done, but I couldn't just watch her disintegrate like that. During this week I found out that she's had to go back to work full time, so if nothing else, at least she's not partying during those hours.


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RE: Okay-so rent and disrespect

When my son was attending college, we did not charge him rent but asked him to help around the house. When we found out he dropped out of college but still wants to live at home, we are charging him a nominal ($100) month plus he has to pay his own car insurance, cell phone and half the cable bill. He helps so much with lawn mowing, snow shoveling, laundry and cleaning. But he is 27 and doesn't act like a teenager anymore.

A friend of mine charged their child rent and also suggested he save to buy his own place. What they did was put that rent money into a savings account so when he was ready to buy his own place, they gave him the rent money back as a downpayment. Everyone was happy.


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