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My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Posted by karola (My Page) on
Mon, Feb 26, 07 at 20:43

I'm desperately surging advise! I have 3 daughters and I have started a Beanie-baby collection for each one them when they where little. 2 have moved out and one of the two insist of having her hole collection. I have given her 49 Beanies with her name on, she used to play with them and half the tags are missing and dirty. The rest I carefully put away to save for her someday as I'm still continuing the collection. She has moved in with her boyfriend now and the house is not very clean and stuff all over the floor. I know she is not ready to take on the responsiblity to care for the collection. At the time we agreed, they would get some Beanies to play with and the rest is not going to leave houses until I give them to them. They can have them someday when they are settled to pass on to their own children. BUT, one daughters boyfriend has called the police and they want the Beanies NOW, all of them. The officer said, I have until the end of the week to hand them over to her because they are a gift. I think her boyfriend wants to sell them on Ebay, either way I'm shocked and I'm not ready to let them go. I have infested $$$$. What are my rights? They have been in my care for over 15 years.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

wow,this is an odd problem you dont hear about everyday.Hmm,well,possession is 9/10's of the law. If they have been in your care for 15 years,and they are a gift that you are continuing to grow~I dont how what your daughter and BF are doing is legal. You cant force someone to give a gift.

Maybe the officer didnt fully understand the situation. Did you tell him that the collection wasnt complete and that you were planning on giving them to her in the future?
Maybe you could try taking it to small claims court so you dont have to give them up at the end of the week. Call judge judy!


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

If I were you I would probably visit the police (or an attorney) and explain the situation, and find out what your legal rights are.

It sounds as if you have far bigger problems than the loss of these beanie babies. The fact that your daughter has picked a boyfriend that would even "think" of calling the police on her own mother, over some stuffed animals, is far more alarming, than the loss of these beanie babies.

Who even wants these things anymore? It was a fad, that has long since passed. There does not seem to be much interest for these now, even on e-bay. At one time, I am sure your collection was worth alot, and then I could have understood the fight over them.

Somewhere along the line, your daughter missed the lesson about honoring her mother and father.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

The key legal issue would probably be did you give them to her when she was younger, or did you collect them for her benefit, intending to gift them to her in the future. So who owns them now? I imagine she'd have a hard time proving they belong to her, but as BNice points out -- the real problem is that she and her boyfriend would even go so far.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Either they are hers or they are not.

If you already "gave" them to her, then give her them and let her learn her lesson the hard way. If you haven't officially given them to her (like you were waiting to pass them along when she had her first child), then they aren't hers, and I'm not sure she ever deserves them at this point.

Bottom line, you have way bigger problems with her and the boyfriend than the monetary value of some beanie babies. I'd almost just go ahead and give them up. I can't believe they called the police and I don't see how the police can force you to hand them over without a court document. Did you admit to them they weren't yours?

Sorry for your problem...hope things don't get worse.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

I am sure there are more pressing crimes than this one, for the police to investigate.

I think your daughter is being very unreasonable, to be a party to calling the police over an issue she has with her mother, is very immature. I think if she cannot understand that your intentions are to take care of her beanies until she has her own permanent home, then that is your real problem.

If this was me, I think I would hand them over, why persist with them, when the fact that you want them to remain pristine for for her, and her children....and she does not want this. Obviously her heart is not in it.

Do something more constructive, but keep the channels of communication open with your daughter, I would be very concerned about the man she is living with.

All the best to you and your daugher.

Popi


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

I am thinking you have to be kidding.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

"I'm not ready to let them go. I have infested $$$$."

I wonder why someone cares more about the Beanie Babies than the children she supposedly gave them to....

Odd thing to register for, don't you think!


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

P.S. And as a side line, if I were in your shoes, like a few of the others said, I would have lunch with the daughter, and I would tell her that the beanie babies are in the trunk of the car, and that you are passing her share onto her. I would tell her why you collected and protected them for her, and that you had hoped that one day, they would have value to her and her children. I would tell her that I was NOT turning them over because you were worried about the police, because you know that legally you can gift them when you choose to gift them to her. But you are turning them over because you have chosen to do so, and you are very disappointed in the way she has chosen to handle this, and that you are sorry that what was meant to be a special gift to your daughter and her children, created pain, instead.

She will do what she will do with them. I imagine that her boyfriend thinks that they are going to be worth big bucks for him to spend (and I imagine that he will be sorely disappointed in what these things actually bring today) but it appears that your daughter will learn a lesson here. So he sells them, or they are not taken care of, that is up to her. If sold, the money will come and go, and she will have nothing to show for it.

It would serve her right if there were a renewed interest 10 years from now, and her siblings were worth alot. Now then, she would learn a lesson worth learning.

But it also sounds as if you have way too much caring and interest in these things. Why? They were an over priced fad that passed several years ago. Why do you treat them as if they were sacred objects? Why have you invested so much time and energy and love into "beanie babies"???? As though they actually matter in the great scheme of life.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

"At the time we agreed, they would get some Beanies to play with and the rest is not going to leave houses until I give them to them. They can have them someday when they are settled to pass on to their own children."

if that was your agreement...

I personally would really worry about a daughter who would involve authorities in getting you to hand over beanie babies. I would have a serious sit down lunch to discuss her living situation, doesn't sound too stable.

Doesn't sound like you will have to hand them over, unless they get a court order. Which I can't ever imagine they would do, and if they go to those lengths to get some darn toys, they are really messed up. Give them up, if there are some you really want, you can get new ones at any collectible toy show.

I can't believe someone would call the police on their own mom! Something is really really messed up there! and possession of the beanie babies is the least of your worries.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Hi, thanks everyone for your advise. I know there is not much value in them anymore, it's just these toys have become part of my family, part of my life, grown into my heart. I remember my children playing with them when I hold them. Every parent I think, wants to leave something to their children someday and this is all I have to leave behind to remember me and the good times we had. Rightnow they are so young and not thinking but I think someday they will hold alot of beautiful memories for them. I know I'm a very sentimental person. Yes, this daughter and her boyfriend are being spitefull. They do have most of their other toys, so it's not that I let them move without their Teddy-bear or favorite doll. The Beanies are my memories too and this is all I have to remind me that I had children one day. The house would be so empty without them. They have so much sentimental value for me.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Hi, thanks everyone for your advise. I know there is not much financial value in them, it's just these toys have become part of my family, part of my life, grown into my heart. I remember my children playing with them when I hold them. Every parent I think, wants to leave something to their children someday, this is all I have to remember the good times we shared. Rightnow they are so young and not thinking but I think someday they will hold alot of beautiful memories for them. I know I'm a very sentimental person. Yes, this daughter and her boyfriend are being spitefull and mean! They do have most of their other toys, so it's not that I let them move without their Teddy-bear or favorite doll. The Beanies are my memories too. The house would be so empty without them. They have so much sentimental value for me. Yes, I want to continue this collection and make it grow for my children, besides they are cute and fun. Fifteen years are hard to erase. They're in my heart.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

At the time we agreed, they would get some Beanies to play with and the rest is not going to leave houses until I give them to them.
Ok...so what is the problem with that?

BUT, one daughters boyfriend has called the police and they want the Beanies NOW, all of them. The officer said, I have until the end of the week to hand them over to her because they are a gift.
Did you see Barney Fife there yourself? Did you hear him say that? I think Barney did not know the law or what he was talking about. I would rather think your daughter would have to hire an attorney and take it to court for a judge to rule on such a thing as this. Sounds like a lot of wasted time and money for your daughter to pursue this.

So, try not to worry. It will be all right.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Your relationship with your daughter is far more important than your relationship with the beanies. Dont let this dispute put a wedge between you.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Hi, I'm not going to hand them over. The Beanies are staying and if she wants, she can take me to court over them. It's not that she needs them or wants them, it's controll and dictating. Her boyfriend I think does not take no for an answer especially not from me, her mother. He is very disrespectfull. I wrote my daughter a letter yesterday and send 11 more beanies over to her. In my letter I wrote, Dear daughter... and then I continiued with, that I think they have a serious problem if they have to call the police, but I also apologized for offending them because it was a sad day for me. In the end I wrote, that it would be nice if they apologize to me and then, Love Mom. I was home 5 minutes and I got a phone call from her boyfriend, yelling at me, if I send one more letter like this to his house he would call the police again and take me to court. I told him to get lost and called him a evil guy, God forgive me but the words slipped out. I don't like this guy and the Beanies are staying! I'm sorry but I had a bad day.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

I'm a little confused...didn't a police officer tell you you had to hand them over by the end of the week? What was that all about, and how did you get that settled?

Sorry to say this, but I think it goes beyond a normal mother daughter disagreement and standing your ground. It sounds like maybe drugs or something serious is involved and they are just so very desperate for money that they'll do anything to get it. Court would be a civil way of handling it; but I could see them breaking in or something. I'd be a little afraid of them and the whole situation. They seem too desperate to me.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

This is a civil matter.

Police do not legally involve themselves in civil matters.

You DD may have mental health issues if she is doing drugs.

Mental health issues are frequently inherited genetically.

You spend far too much time focusing on the value of some cheap toys that have little worth in today's market.

You need to get some help or get a life. I can't say which since I really don't know you.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

When I read your original post, I could not believe that your own daughter would call the police on her own mother, over something like a beanie baby collection, (a fad that has long since passed, and the value has since plummeted). I am guessing that during your daughters childhood, you must have told them that someday these would be very valuable...and they do not realize that they are now virtually worthless. She perhaps told her boyfriend that they were very valuable, and therefore, he sees "payday" when he can get his hands on them.

From the post a few days ago, I understand that many moms, when experiencing the empty nest syndrome, cherish and hold on the things from their children's childhood, and those items take on a high sentimental value to the parent. I have known mom's that when their children left home, they cannot let go of things like tee-shirts their sons wore, stuffed animals the kids loved, all the way down to baby clothes. It becomes painful to lose certain items, as it feels as if the memories go with them.

You have far bigger problems than these beanie babies. Any guy who would talk to the mother of his girl friend with such disrespect, does not look good regarding your future relationship with your daughter, future grandchild if these two marry.

I urge you to read the posts entitled: "Estranged from adult children" , and urge you to tread very, very carefully here. As you read that post, you will read the heartbreak from moms who have not seen their own daughter, and grandchildren in "YEARS". Something happened, and they were completely shut out of their daughters life. They are devastated by the loss, embarrassed in front of their friends ( who think that they must have been a bad parent to be cut off like this). There was another post as well, but I cannot remember the title of the post. This womans daughter hooked up with an abusive guy and all communication has been cut off between the mom and her daughter. She is devastated because she fears he is abusing her daughter and the kids, but she is not able to contact them to find out if they are all right.

So I urge you to think very carefully how you handle this with your daughter and her boyfriend. Because he sounds like the kind of guy who could come between your relationship with your daughter. IMO, you should tread carefully here.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

omg... i think the officer was wrong - i also have a collection of pins.. saved for years for my oldest son - he's moved out - he knows they will be his - one day.. but since he moves all over - I'm just holding on to them - same with your case - you havent' given them to her yet - and you can change your mind.. I would tell the boyfriend none of his concern.. and mr., police officer - he's wrong.. you can go over his head..


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Hi, thanks for your reply. I have contacted a laywer and was told this is a civil matter and they would need a court order for me to hand them over. Today is Fryday and haven't heard anything yet. I think the officer was lying. My daughter has worked many years for the sheriffs department, supervising inmates and says they are her friends and all she needs to to is call them. She is not on drugs and her boyfriend has custody of a 2 year old daughter, but his baby lives in his parents house and does not remain with them. His parents are raising her. She only visits in the evening and on weekends and then she is getting picked up by his parents. She does not stay overnight. I used to get along very good with him and watched his baby when they wanted to go out, but I did noticed, that my daughter and her boyfriend, they both don't like to be told what to do and can be very disrespectful. They want to be in charge that's the way I see it. I know he loves his own mother very much, is cloes to her and would never dream of calling the police on his parents. I feel I must be a really bad mother. He also never ate dinner with us, but talked about his mothers good cooking. They're always by his parents eating, going out for lunch, they have more money to spend on them. I can get along good with them as long as I do what they say and let them have their way. His parents have money, but he is in death, he was married before, so he goes to his parents, they have boats, nice cars. His mother is his best friend and he told my daughter that she now has a new family, his parents, this is so hurtful. I have nothing to give my daughter, this toy collection is the only thing I can offer her someday. After talking with the laywer, I know they need a court order. So the Beanies are not leaving unless I have to give them up by law. Thanks everyone here for your care, concern and support. It has helped alot.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

If my daughter moved out of the house, the last thing on my mind would be anything material. You need to rethink your priorities.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

She has moved out with a brand new computer, 1000 of computer games, new exbox, brand new camcorder, new camera cell phone, camera, new TV, a new bed, 100 of books and games, hole closet of name brand clothing, a dragon collecetion, a Harry Potter collection, large collection of Juwelry, VCR, 1000 of DVDs, 2 cats and 1 dog, most of it was a gift from me and my husband. Whats wrong with keeping the Beanie Collection at home? She is so busy with her new job and her new life and the animals that she not has enough time to care for everything. She is only 20 years old and her place is a mess, everything on the floor, cats and the dog urinating on everything, because she does not keep the litterboxes clean. She is not mature enough and needs to grow up. It is nothing more than stubborness and selfishness and her boyfriend couldn't even get the apartment they are living in because he has bad credit, it was for my daughters good credit card that he was able to move in with her. If I give her the beanies now, I never see them again, they all will be garbage. There is so much trash in their house, very unclean.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

My daughter and her boyfriend both have been spoiled as children, and today they are manipulative and want to be total in charge in any situation! I think it's a powerstruggle!! Give your children everything and they take the last straw. I haven't heard from them anymore. She has a Birthday coming up, should I send her a card or just forget about it? I have been called numerous times a F..... B.... during her teen years and yet I continued buying her what she wanted. I was here for her always, loved her, cared for her, forgiven her, but I'm getting to the point where I care less and less now that she is out of the house. I can't say it doesn't hurt, but I'm getting used to this type of treatment. I also have a older daughter who is very similar, she didn't call the police on me over Beany babies but over other stuff when she didn't get what she wanted. Today I take care one of her children, because she has lost custody of the other child and she is working full time. She also has called me names, invited me for Christmas or Holidays and when something doesn't agree with her she has unvited me. I have been invited and uninvited for Christmas, Thanksgiving, year after year, never received a, hi mom how are you, for Valentines, no Birthday card. She has called me on my Birthday one year to say, I'm not her mother. She is very hard working and not on drugs but married, divorced and remarried about 3 times and each child from a different guy. Every guy she brings home he moves right into her bedroom. Then there is the youngest, not 18 yet, a nice girl in school, but has a very bad side too. I have been kicked in the stomach, in the chest, in the back and when I told her to stop it or I fight back she has also made threats of calling the police, but a good student in class and on the honoroll. I'm about to cut the cords with my kids forever, exept I'm taking care one grandchild but I'm getting sick to my stomach, thinking he might be just the same way someday. I'm infesting so much love and care in raising this child just as I have with my other ones. I was a stay at home mom and was always there for them. All 3 had alot of friends, Birthday Parties and everything just name it. They didn't miss out on anything. We didn't always have money but we had fun. I'm so deeply hurt and the pain is so overwhelming. I must say I have been married with my husband for over 20 years and he comes from a very abusive home and has been very abusive with me or the children over the years, not physical but emotional and then very loving again. Seems like has two strong sides, bad and good. One minute he yells and screams and the other minute he laughs over something he thinks is funny or not funny. I don't understand this type of behavior, never have. We have seen a counsler and they say it's because he has been abused as a child.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Ahh, I see what's going one her. You always gaave them everythign they wanted, now you say no, they don't like that. Typical of spoiled brat kids. Her birthday is coming up, you gave her over a 1000 DVD's give her the Darned Beanies. Give it up, you'll lose anyway, you always have.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Yes, the more I think about it the closer I get wanting to give them to her. I don't have much to lose anymore, it's time to move on! She'll get them for her Birthday and I think I'm done being a storage room for the other 2 daughters as well. Why hang on to something that creates pain. I'm letting go! Thanks everyone I finally see the light. It's time to think about myself, the less I have the easier it is to move forward. I will keep the memories in my head instead to clutter up my house with.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Good luck to you Karola, sounds like you have had an arduous life.

Don't forget who YOU are, see this time of your life as the time when YOU sit back and become indulgent. You have done the hard yards, done your best for the children and now they have their own lives. Try not to think about the regrets, just focus on the present, and think of what will make you happy.

Not sure your husband sounds like the ideal person to spend time with.

All you can do is say to your daughters you love them, you are there for a chat, but just walk away and let them get on with it.

Take care

Popi


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Sounds like you need to get into counseling yourself and find out why you let your children and your husband treat you like a doormat. I suggest taking a time out from all your children for a while, do not have any conversations with them. Only the minimum information you have to give. And get yourself a life separate from them, go to bible studies, yoga classes, whatever it takes.
Separate yourself from the madness for a while and get some perspective.
It is obvious to me that the children think it OK to abuse people since you have let your husband do it all these years.
It is normal to them, and they are now doing it to you.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Hi, this is very true. Thanks for your concern. I should not have stayed with my husband and I'm regretting it, life gets very depressing! My children are scarred for life and do not respect me. I have no money anymore, all my saving is gone, spent on the kids, I have nothing to give them anymore. My car needs repair, my clothes is worn and old, my heart aches. I need to get away from these kids. All I long for is peace and quite. Thanks for reading, thanks for your concern.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Don't cut off all contact with your children, always remember them at their birthdays with a phone call and a card with $5-$10 dollars in it.

Just concentrate on getting your own head together. It is now time for you, so even if you have to deal with the kids, you can do it in a calm rational manner. Like stated above, try going to a house of worship, take craft classes, yoga classes or something through your park district to occupy your time.

You don't say if you have a job, if you don't, get one, at least a part time job, to get out of the house. That way you will have a little spending money to buy some new clothes. Don't let anyone talk you out of it either.

Good luck! You can do it.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Hi, thanks for your advise but I haven't heard from my daughter since the incident, because I told her, I think her boyfriend is a loser and she let him read the letter. I'm going to send her a Birthdaycard next week but how should I treat her boyfriend? Should I mention him or not? I think if I ignore him she wants nothing to do with me.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

I would suggest for the future that you never put anything negative about anyone in writing.

Regarding the b-day card...why would you even mention him in her birthday card? Just pick out a nice card...add a line or two if you must about enjoying the day and sign your name...no need to bring up her boyfriend or anything else.

If you see him or need to call, etc.. just treat him respectfully/cordially (with a hello) but I wouldn't really break out in conversation with him at this point.

I may not totally ignore them (still send the card, etc), but I would generally just try to keep your distance from both of them for a while.

I hope things get better for you.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Yes, it is called "time out" and I have had to do this periodically with members of the family on both sides when they start taking us for granted. Just limit contact to "when necessary" for a few months.

It worked for me, it should work for you, just until you can think out the situation and act calmly.


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

Time out sounds great, I never thought about this :). Thanks Carla and Klimkam.
Karola


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RE: My daughter has moved out of the house and wants

the last time I checked eBay, Beanies are practically worthless. what a lot of fuss over nothing. sorry, but I think you are the one who wants to own the collection.


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