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The Undeserving Parent

Posted by dreamgarden (My Page) on
Tue, Feb 26, 13 at 18:51

I saw this story in the New York Time's and thought about this forum. I would be curious to hear others thoughts about caring for aging parents or what you'd like your kids to do for you when your old.

The Undeserving Parent
By PAULA SPAN
October 20, 2011, 124 Comments

A link that might be useful:

newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/20/the-undeserving-parent/


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: The Undeserving Parent

I just want mine to leave me alone. I have everything set up the way I want it and have a POA whom I trust.

I wanted to say, if I had decent kids that I could trust to carry out my wishes. I would want them to see that my wishes are carried out and to put me in a care home instead of trying to care for me themselves.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Wed, Apr 17, 13 at 22:07


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

Hmmm....Found this in response to that article:

GaiasRevenge
Re: The Undeserving Parent
October 23, 2011

"She sounds like the kind of selfish b***h that has a kid specifically so they have someone to bully for the rest of their life.

She'd lucky Wendy didn't set fire to her years ago in a hormonal teenage rage."

Here is a link that might be useful: The Undeserving Parent


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

"She sounds like the kind of selfish b***h that has a kid specifically so they have someone to bully for the rest of their life.

She'd lucky Wendy didn't set fire to her years ago in a hormonal teenage rage."

What is your point?


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

From your link, the article contains 126 comments most discussing abusive parents. Here's the first comment:

Janice -- Washington

"The fear of an unloving, mean and emotionally absent and abusive mother to a young girl of 13 years of age carries forward in her life, unfortunately, to a fear of the mother in a daughter's adult life. When my mother was 75 and had to go in a nursing home, I had that cold fear of never caregiving her because I was still afraid of her mean attitude towards me and I never approached her or visited her in her illness from another state. She always showed favoritism to her two other siblings, so let them take care of her, they got her estate anyway. You think I am heartless and unforgiving? What goes around comes around. I did not attend her funeral because I could not say goodbye to a mother who never said hello to me in life."

The link to the article and comments is posted below

Here is a link that might be useful: The Undeserving Parent


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

Here's the second comment which echo's similar sentiments about the destructive legacy of ABUSIVE parents.

Linda -- New York, NY

"Simply stated, after growing up with 2 abusive parents, after a while you stop caring about them - there simply is no emotion left. If they die, they die - you disengage - a technique necessary to try to protect yourself when you were a child. Frankly, I think Wendy is pretty great to her mother considering what she did to her. I felt nothing but relief when my mother died. Now my father is old and frail and I find myself saying, so what? I don't waste time thinking that
I am a bad person because I don't care about my own parents - it's just the way it is."

Here is a link that might be useful: The Undeserving Parent


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

More of the same theme--ABUSIVE parents.

Jim Rosenthal -- Annapolis, MD
Dec. 28, 2011 at 10:09 a.m.

"I had a parent like that- an abusive and demanding father who was also a coward and a liar. After decades of trying to please him, I realized that he didn't matter to me anymore- I didn't wish him ill, but I no longer cared about him. At the end of his life, of course, he was as demanding and manipulative as he'd ever been. I was relieved when he died, and even more relieved when we found he had cut me out of his will, which was the best thing he could have done. I didn't need anything from him, other members of the family needed it far more, and it was a relief not to have to deal with the enormous pile of unfiled tax returns, cluttered house, etc, that he left behind. Parents who abuse their kids should expect very little in return at the end of their life. The kids have moved on, with any luck, and are not looking back."

Here is a link that might be useful: The Undeserving Parent


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

From the Garden Web Parenting Forums same observations in the comments, same pattern and similar theme:

Posted by Tenille (My Page) on Sun, Jan 15, 12 at 22:02

"I have read your stories, and I want to thank you for posting them. I frequent forums for adult children who have severed ties with their parents, and it is eye-opening to read the other side of the coin. I benefit from knowing your experiences, and I am so sorry for your losses.
My children do not know their grandparents. They do not see them on holidays and certainly have never slept over at their houses. As parents, my husband and I were faced with a big decision. Did we want to protect our children from the alcoholic, vitriolic, self-absorbed people who raised us? or did we want to expose our children to them so that our children would have grandparents, as other children do? and so that our parents wouldn't feel the heartache that many of you feel?
Well, we made the choice to deprive our children and break our parents' hearts. We've never been happier! Our middle child no longer sits in the shadow while my mother shows obvious favoritism to my oldest. Our answering machine no longer contains maudlin messages from my drunk mother-in-law as she toys with committing suicide over cancelled plans. My father-in-law still calls on my mother-in-law's behalf, but we don't ever pick up. They are broken, miserable people. Before my husband and I quit dealing them, they were...broken, miserable people. My children, while certainly exceptional in every way, are not capable of repairing the damage in my in-laws and parents, and I wouldn't dream of subjecting my dear children to such precarious personalities.
I realize that many of you have been blind-sided by the distance between you and your offspring. I don't doubt that many of you are dealing with hurtful people, perhaps of the same ilk as my relatives. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find continued happiness through venues other than the jerks in your life. You may as well give up on the jerks. They will only cause you pain, no matter what your relation.
I hope those of you who are the jerks find happiness, too. Maybe, when you aren't reliant on your children's children for fulfillment, some of your children will begin to embrace your involvement. I hope things work out for all of you.
Thanks for letting me in on on your group."

Here is a link that might be useful: RE: Parents of Estranged Adult Children


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

Flowergardenmuse, I'm not sure what your purpose is in harping on about abusive parents. In a way it says things about you I'm not sure you want out there on the internet (maybe I'm wrong and you do).
Is there a question in all of this, or are you simply getting a buzz out of confirming to the world that you're not alone in having a poor parental experience?


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

RE: The Undeserving Parent

Posted by colleenoz (My Page) on Sat, Jun 1, 13 at 0:57

"Flowergardenmuse, I'm not sure what your purpose is in harping on about abusive parents. In a way it says things about you I'm not sure you want out there on the internet (maybe I'm wrong and you do).
Is there a question in all of this, or are you simply getting a buzz out of confirming to the world that you're not alone in having a poor parental experience?"

------------------------

It may be trite to say the least but such a comment from someone unaware of the backgrounds of others demonstrates a coarseness that appears to be pandemic in present day society where many people are manipulative and inconsiderate, judgmental and selfish.

There are lots of victims out there of mean spirited people and last time I looked it is not getting better. FGM may well have been abused by others, parents and/or people in her existence as far back as childhood, and it is a natural thing for such people who never deserved such abuse, to seek relief from being misunderstood, unfairly criticized, and diminished by anyone. VIctims of bullies should be heard and not crticized by anyone and doing so adds to the abuse and pain suffered by victims of toxic and perhaps sociopaths, and narcistic individuals.

Regrets to FGM for whatever happened in her past that was abusive, and regrets for the manner in which you have been mistreated here. For sure you are not at all alone, I know actual stories of abuse that would make a junkyard dog whimper and cry.


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

Re: The Undeserving Parent

Posted by dreamgarden (My Page) on Tue, Feb 26, 13 at 18:51
"I saw this story in the New York Time's and thought about this forum. I would be curious to hear others thoughts about caring for aging parents or what you'd like your kids to do for you when your old."

AND

Posted by dreamgarden (My Page) on Thu, May 30, 13 at 0:00
"She sounds like the kind of selfish b***h that has a kid specifically so they have someone to bully for the rest of their life.
She'd lucky Wendy didn't set fire to her years ago in a hormonal teenage rage."

What is your point?

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Dreamgarden,

What was your point and what did you want people to comment about? The article described an adult daughter of an aging mother who was abusive.

From the article the daughter describes why she feels distance and lack of feeling towards her aging mother. The quotes are in the article which you provided the link too:

"Caring for her grandmother at home, playing her favorite operas as she neared death, was a duty Wendy was glad to take on, an act of love. With her mother, “there’s just not a lot of feeling there.”

“I’m not a cold person. I’m not aloof or distant,” Wendy added. “But in this case, I have to be. I don’t ever remember a time when there wasn’t something said that was hurtful and mean-spirited. I think you get what you give.”

The title, "The Undeserving Parent" seems very clear about the content of the article. Likewise, following the story is 126 comments where people describe their own abusive parents and their complicated and distant relationships. I posted several of those comments here on this site.

The address you posted didn't provide a direct link, but running a search took me not only to the article, but to another site that not only linked to it, but also had discussion comments--one which I also posted on this site. Those comments were very similar to those found following the article all detailing abusive parents.

Again, so what was your point? I'm assuming that you read the article and were aware of the nature of the content and the comments that followed the story. Again, what did you want people to comment about and what thoughts were you trying to evoke? What did you want us to see and what was your point?


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

I always thought I was protecting my kids from toxic in laws...but after 40 yrs and the things I have witnessed, I realize they were really the ones who stayed at a distance in order to run their game...

They had not lived together but a few years...FIL leaves 3 children behind...but had many things he wanted to hide from his son....MIL the same way....the drunken calls in the middle of the night...slurring her words...demanding..."i wanna talk to my son" ...

If I knew then what I know today...I would have cursed her till the phone burned out of her hand...and told her to never call my number...she was a two bit criminal when all was said and done...

This was hidden from me till her name started showing up in the crime section of the paper...FIL was blacking his new wifes eyes in his mid sixties....did I do the right thing....yes...I know I did...neither cared whether they saw our kids...in the end...

My story is a bit different...but I know the difficulty in caring for a loving parent and the turmoil you go through witha turbulent parent...I cannot blame a person for being fearful of hurt and rejection...

I did everything for my mother till I was of no more use to her and basically got ousted from her life at 43...she started talking more to a sister who was estranged from everyone for 12 yrs...her choice....and thought she would pick up where I left off

Didn't happen...and now...she seems to want to get me back in the fray...but guess what...I am not interested...she has no major health issues, no stress...and in many areas lately has gotten around better than I have....she prides herself in having no chronic pain at 87...still gossips about her daughters...and grandchildren....I want no part of it..

Ifeel detached from her emotionally....and will not cry when she is gone...she lived a healthy life...worked in her seventies....much better than I did.....I have nothing to feel guilty for...I would have never thrown her aside...I was a good daughter to her...she could never say any different...

Abuse wounds people no matter how it is given out...


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RE: The Undeserving Parent

Sketcher and FGM, I can totally relate, as both of my parents were difficult. My mother was verbally and physically abusive, while my father was distant and gambled away his paychecks on the commodities market. We did not know until I was 30 that my father had never saved any money. My mother paid the mortgage, food, etc. We had hand-me-down clothes. Three kids - my sister and I paid for our own college education. My mother "disinherited" me because she didn't approve of my choices and later tried to get me to be friends again. The odd thing was that after she had a stroke at 87, she was very nice. It was sad to finally see the nice side of her and mourn the loss of what could have been. They say all happy families are the same and each dysfunctional family is different. Wonder if that is true.


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