A couple of things come to mind here. The first is that I usually prefer to keep my DD's friend's parents at a healthy arms length. The reason is mostly because if the girls' relationship gets strained, it feels awkward for me to be buddies with Mom. A few years back, I met a woman through my DD's school....her daughter was in the same school. She and I became fairly close, but my DD really did not like the daughter. We socialized a bit on the weekends and DD went grudgingly for a while and then later started to refuse. When DD's birthday rolled around, I felt like I needed to invite my friend's daughter...DD said she'd "ruin" the party for her. We do still socialize every now and then with other school families, but only if we feel they're really interesting people. It is also easier now that DD is in high-school. Middle school girls have relationships that are complicated enough without the added layer of complexity that whole-family friendships bring. I also can fall into the trap of feeling judged when people are less than friendly. I have to remind myself that maybe they're just introverted. As others have suggested, maybe the parents feel a bit guilty and don't know who to deal with that, so they just give you the brush-off to minimize their own discomfort. They may also just not have any extra juice left for social interactions after what sounds like incredibly demanding workdays. They may be unhappy people or just going through a rough patch. It's hard to be nice to others when you are suffering. My guess is that its a mixture of some or all of these things. Finally, though you are going above and beyond in your generousity towards this girl, I do not think you need to reevaluate the situation or figure out a way to back off. Being the home that everyone flocks to is a great blessing. You are a blessing for those "fledgling" kids and a blessing to your own kids. It is a huge compliment that your DD wants to be home with you. And you are lucky she's not off elsewhere...so many kids just can't escape their homes/parents fast enough. Before you know it they'll all be off to college and you'll miss them terribly. We were the-house-everyone-comes-to in middle school and I just loved knowing my daughters friends. Now, she is a day-student at a boarding school and their social life is largely confined to campus. We hardly ever see her friends and the house is quiet on weekends. I miss the old days!

Such a sad and tricky situation. On the one hand it's so hard not to feel sorry for the poor girl, but on the other everyone has limits to their patience! I wish I could say "aha! here's the answer..." but I really can't. My only suggestion would be that it would likely be easier on the girl's self-esteem if it didn't come across like it was your dd's decision, but something more "neutral" that's outside of her control. Because if it comes across at all like her "only friend" is choosing to reject her, it'll really hurt, and of course be awkward for your dd. I mean, I know kids should be able to learn and gain experience dealing with awkward situations directly, but in this case I think it would do more damage than good for dd to deal with this situation on her own. I dunno, maybe make up an excuse like you or dh has just been diagnosed with severe migraines (chronic, lifelong) and simply can't deal with the slightest bit of noise. And/or come up with some really strict unreasonable "house rules" (to apply only when friend is over, of course) that make it pretty dang unpleasant for her to come over. Like for example everybody has to whisper at all times or no chewing or games (b/c they're "too loud") or a big long list of tv shows they're "not allowed" to watch (again, b/c they're "too loud"... which frankly IS most tv!). Just be the heavy, the hard-a$$... really strict and in-their-faces and constantly saying things are "off-limits". You might not be her grandma's favorite person, but it's your house, you have a right to these "rules" (wink, wink). And the girl is soooooo much less likely to take it personally when it's you & dh being inhospitable instead of dd. Hopefully it won't take too long before she finds a new best friend with much more permissive parents (poor saps). Best of luck, hope this works (I've never been too good at that situation either...)

"Now I am so proud of my DH for unconditionally loving my little girl as his own and I think I will get over whatever it was I was concerned about." Amen!! It sounds like their relationship is fine. My DD gets the same "sad" face on when DH asks her to do something or comes down on her. I have the luxury of knowing what she does with her bio-dad too though. With SF she gets sad look, with bio-dad she pouts. And throws a mini-tantrum. And for me? I get a heavy sigh. When she was younger (like 4) she once threw a crying fit with Grandma because she didn't want to get in her carseat and buckle up. I had never had that issue with her. She was testing Grandma. And Grandma asked me what I would have done, and I told her, depending on how tight time was I would either sit there until she got bored and wanted to go, or I would strap her little screaming writhing body in the seat and go. Kids are smart. They are going to try to work the angles and see what works for them. They test the boundaries. It sounds like you're a little defensive of your daughter (and I KNOW that feeling) and concerned about the difference in parenting between the kids with your DH/SO. I have been too. But I really do think, based on parenting with a bio- and now co-parenting with DD's bio and SD's bio parents.... These are issues everyone faces. Regardless of blood ties. Differences in parenting strategies. Disagreements in how kids should be raised. Conflict between the adults about the children's behavior and what to do about it. I get the "manipulation" too. I've said before that kids are manipulative. And it's not inherently bad, it's just them trying to figure out what works. I think the problem is that she's going about asking in a way that he doesn't like. Have you talked to him? Maybe ask if there's a time where you guys can have a family tv time, pop some popcorn and watch a family friendly show. That way she gets her "hanging out" time and he knows to expect it. I suspect he's not liking the manipulation. My DH hates that too, and I do the same thing "she just wants to be close to us....". But in my case I think he's right. Once I got past my "if she were your daughter...." thoughts I realized there is a more effective way for her to get what she wants, and we're working on teaching her a more honest way of going about things. Like, "mom, I miss you. Can we spend some time together" rather than "working" us and then dropping the "I want..(whiny bomb).

Violet, my post disappeared or I must not have hit send, but I would start with the ins. covered doctor, and go from there. If she is not getting anywhere, then I would do a self-pay consultation with a homeopathic MD. I found one in her area (Dr. Soule) but have no idea how good he is. Anyway, that isn't the starting point, just good to know there are options, if that makes sense. She just shouldn't give up. Duluth, wow-- Addison's Disease. My dear friend, who was really more like a cousin to me, passed away from it. She was 10 and I was 12. It was undiagnosed. She was half Mexican, half Irish. Her mother (Mexican) was very pale . . .as was she. VERY pale. She came home from a trip to Mexico and her skin was unusually dark-- in a tone that I've never seen anyone with. Along with this, she had symptoms like licking pickles, licking the salt off potato chips. Her test scores went down. They put a cot in the classroom for her. Etc., etc. The doctors would NOT believe her mom. They said she was fine. Said she needed her tonsils out (now we are amazed she survived the operation). Said she got dark because she was Mexican. Doctor appointment after doctor appointment, and they turned her away. As her parents were sitting down to discuss what they would say at the doctor's appointment (scheduled for the following day)-- they were not going to leave without answers-- she went into cardiac arrest and passed away. I miss her dearly. Shortly thereafter she passed away, my father had a dentist appointment. Our dear friend's death was weighing heavily on his mind, and told the dentist her symptoms. The dentist immediately diagnosed her with Addison's Disease. We could never figure out how the dentist knew, and these doctors-- for years-- did not. If only we had information back then as we do now. So glad you were diagnosed and are OK.