I agree with Popi's post. Our relationships with our adult daughters is quite a dance. We have so much loving advice to give them, and we want so much to help them all we can. Sometimes it's easy to forget that our daughters need to feel free and confident to find their own way and make their own mistakes. I'm assuming your daughter is a good mother. If so, then think about what you're saying in your post. We have advised her of keeping her daughter warm arriving in 17 degree weather with no jacket or hat .She started saying I'm just going to the car but all we wanted was to keep her daughter warm. Each time any thing that is said to her about taking care of her daughter she gets very defensive and angry which makes us feel incompetitent. Probably you are making her feel incompetent as well. You say, "each time anything that is said to her about taking care of her daughter", but are you considering that each time you are telling her she isn't taking care of her daughter the *correct* way, you're telling her she's incompetent to make that decision? I told her you make me feel like a irreresponsible teenager. Probably she feels the same way - that you make her feel like an irresponsible teenager. When your husband calls her husband lazy, he's basically calling your daughter incompetent to choose a husband. And of course she's going to tell her husband what her dad says. You mentioned in your post that you are overprotective. I think most mothers would sympathize with you about being overprotective. Our daughters are so precious, and we love them so much and want to protect them as we raise them in safety and love. I think a lot of us, if not most of us, could be called overprotective. I was raised by overprotective parents. If you were an overprotective mother, it's quite possible the dynamic you've set up all these years between you and your daughter has a lot of bearing on how she relates to you. Some of us daughters of overprotective parents have our adult boundaries set in stone. Mine are. My daughter and I had a rocky road together during her teenage years. One thing I did was to take her to lunch once a week at a place she liked. That was our "safe" place. There in that place I bit my tongue off. We talked about what she wanted to talk about. I tried not to give advice or criticism or ask questions about anything she didn't want to talk about. Sometimes when a relationship gets rocky, it helps to have some healing time when you just enjoy each others' company. The other advice I would give is to try not to mind so much about some of the things you mention. Not mowing the grass is not the end of the world. Mowing the grass is VERY important to me and it would annoy me and grate on me to have one of my children chronically not mow the grass. Trust me, I feel your pain. But it's not the end of the world. If he has a job and loves his wife and daughter, not bringing in firewood or mowing the grass might be small potatoes to her. And it's her opinion of him that counts. Not having a coat and hat on the baby - maybe that's small potatoes, too. My son got hot easily as a baby. Older people frequently said something to me about not keeping him warm enough, but the pediatrician specifically talked to me about not keeping him too warm. If I was just going back and forth to a close parked, warm car in 17 degree weather I probably wouldn't have put a coat and hat on my baby, either. Not letting a dog owner keep a baby - there are a lot of mothers like that. I hope you can work something out with your daughter. Sometimes it's hard to work out those mother/daughter relationships.

SylviaTexas, I am so trying but this is not easy. I think my daughter's pain has her searching for the problem and I think there are several things going on here that she is not recognizing. She wants to blame to take away her pain and when you put this all together I am the safe target for her. However, I think the real issue she is dealing with is her own happiness. She is not happy with hubby and has not been for a good 3 years now. She, in my personal opinion, is codependent and wants to help and control, knows what everyone needs to do to solve their issues but she is not looking at herself. I think she feels trapped because she does not want to leave her husband and out her kids thru a divorce. She blocked alot of family members out of her life when she was pg and really has not tried to regain those relationships. I think family feels a bit guarded around her right now and really she is not close to anyone. I am probably the one person she is closest to.

My Best friend is in almost the exact same situation except for a few things, you do not know how lucky you are that your daughter is so far away from you! My friend does have guardianship of her grandchildren now thank goodness, this daughter was always trying to blackmail her into giving her money by saying if she didn't she was going to take the kids, she has stole lied and cheated my friend out of quite a bit, the thing is she is always trying to lay a guilt trip on my friend (I did this because you wouldn't do such and such) She has even beat her mother because she was not getting her way, my friend has a broken neck, is lucky to be alive and here her daughter is knocking her around! she grabbed her sons game system one time and threatened to sell it if they did not give her the money, she said it was her son's so basically that it was hers to do with as she wished (it was a xbox and she most certainly did not purchase it as she never gets those kids anything) she has basically broke my friends heart. I was soo proud of her the other day, her daughter called said they had no money for food, My friend gave them a bag of groceries when they walked in instead of cash (I wish I could of seen the look on their faces) her Boyfriend makes plenty of money and they have maybe 500 to 1000 a month in bills, so where is it all going??? Her and her boyfriend had another neat way of extorting money, he would dump her off saying he was sick of her, she would stay a day maybe, but during this time she would be snagging a check out of the checkbook, then she would call bf they would "make-up" he would come and get her and then they would cash a check the daughter had written to herself, see my friend has epilepsy, and has a hard time maintaining (well with all the stress who wouldn't?) so she has a awful memory she thought she was just forgetting to write down things, it took her DH going over everything before they caught on. This is what really irritates me I never once seen my friend have a seizure until this girl started causing all this crap, now she has at least one a week:( This girl does not care, she is selfish and it sounds like her and your daughter could be sisters. This is just the tip of the iceburg, they had this girl set up in her own home even, and she blew that, her bf and her tore up the house getting into fights, once it was ruined they wanted to move, so my friend sold it and gave them the money (as it was the daughters right to have this money, rolling eyes here) well that money was gone inside of a month, I think they are into drugs which is really sad as she is pregnant with her third child.

Hi, wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond to it. I came here for advice and other opinions on my situation and I sure got what I came for. One thing that keeps being asked is why she moved out. Everyone wants a clear cut explanation but teenagers are never that simple. The most obvious and probably the main reason is not hard to figure out. Tell me truthfully why do you think an 18 year girl old would want to live in her boyfriends house, hmmm... can't figure it out, could it be SEX. No couldn't be, she must've left because the evil stepdad makes her live under his awesome CONTROL. Please people, some of you have really hurt my feelings, do you really think I would be at a site like this, asking for help, if I was like that. Is that how you were taught to treat people who come to you for help and open their hearts for all to see? But what does that matter I'm just the evil stepdad, I deserve to be treated like dirt, right? But I do realize that none of you could possibly know all the details of my situation and you might fill in the gaps with things from your own experiences. Another reason she left is probably the same reason many young adults leave, they want their independance and freedom to do as they please whenever they please. No surprises there, just a typical teen. The last reason is probably me, I do take responsability for being part of the reason she left, however this takes some explaining and sets some of the blame back in hers and my wifes laps. But this also leads me to something else many have wondered about and that's why we don't get along so good. To explain this requires some background and explaining and a little bit of speculating. My wife was in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, he was a part of their lives until about 6 months before I came into the picture (kids were 14 (yes there's a brother, they are twins and I get along just fine with him)). The ex husband attacked her one time in front of the daughter, the daughter attacked the father and soon after my now wife obtained a restraining order against the father. That should not be taken lightly, I will say again, the kids have seen their real father abuse their mother. I should also explain that both my wife and stepdaughter suffer from depression and they both take antidepressants, nothing wrong with that just that they are known to have some extreme moods. My stepdaughter was also known for her temper tantrums, one example is, at a birthday party she spread her body over the candy that spilled out of a pinyatta (I don't know how to spell) so that none of the other kids could get HER candy. Picture this, a single mom raising two kids that she does not want to have a good relationship with their abusive father. He would give them anything they wanted to keep them in his life and then mom would do the same. To a teenager this must have seemed like she could run them both, anything she wanted she would get it from one or the other, she learned this early. Then comes the attack and the restraining order, she is cut off from her father. She started slipping away, I don't know why, I am no psychologist, she refused to go to school, withdrew from activities and friends, and worst she became aggresive towards her mother. Then I appeared, about 6 months after the attack, I met my wife on the internet in a chat room, we chatted, then phone calls till all hours of the night, we didn't know where the time went, until finally we met face to face and we knew we were in love. The daughter was not too happy about this, now she had to share the only parent she had left. The first words I ever heard from the girl was a very long email about how terrible her mother was and the awful things her mother had done to her (all lies or greatly exaggerated truths) and what a terrible person I was for even thinking about having a relationship with her mother. Her mother tried family counseling with no affect, until finally the daughter became violent with her mother and brother. I remember my wife telling me that she had to put a lock on her bedroom door because she was afraid to go to sleep at night. Soon she had her daughter enrolled and staying at, a school for troubled teens, all this done with the guidance and advice of trained professional counselors. She was not sent away and forgotten, my wife was a big part of her life, there several times a week and to take her out almost every week. While she was there she seemed to mature a little, but she also learned some wonderful things from the other girls, like self mutilation (yeah cutting herself to feel she was in control of something). My wife and I continued to date, long distance, two states away, for about two years. Then we got married and they moved to my state where we bought a house big enough for the four of us. (I should also mention that my wife is not so good with finances, we could not get a loan if her name was anywhere on the documents). I brought the family back together and made it clear from the start that violence would not be tolerated. Well, the daughter started right in trying to do whatever she wanted without regard for anyone else, she was not easy to be around. I really did try to have a good relationship with her but she would ocassionally express her disrespect (aggressively) and it would all fall apart. I know I am partly to blame here I am sure I could have reacted differently, any parent knows children can try you patience and being an inexperienced parent I guess I let her get me riled up. She had been used to telling her mother what to do and she would do it, now her mother would stop and say she needs to see if thats ok with her husband (some of you will try to twist that into controlling, give me a break, some decisions husbands and wives need to check with each other on). This new stepdad was getting in her way, now she really needed to get rid of me. My stepdaughter was in our house for about two years and that brings us to when she moved out. Not very eventful, she started dating this guy he was 25 years old and had his own house, she was 18 so she would stay with him most nights for about two months until she moved in with him. She knew exactly what she was doing and decided to give up living with us so she could be with him, she knew she was welcome to stay and she knows she is welcome to come back. But she also knows if she comes back she will have to follow a few rules and help out around the house. The way she has it now, she can come over and do whatever she wants when we are not home, not contribute anything to the household, then leave the mess and go sleep with her boyfriend. She gets the best of everything and none of the work or responsabilities. As for helping her with college, she does her homework at school, they have wireless at the library, and I should mention that my parents (her step grandparents) are helping to pay for her tuition. We do not provide her with food she works in a restaurant and her boyfriend is so cheap they don't have a full kitchen yet. Where all their money goes is a mystery, they both work, they heat with wood (in other words free) his mother bought the house they live in (no mortgage), no tv, no phone, I am surprised they have electricity. And guess what, drum roll please, she's pregnant. All the more reason I will not try to get in the way of her and her mother having a relationship, I guess I really don't mind her coming over when we are not home as long as she is respectful, the problem is that she is not. We do not even know she is coming and the only way we know she has been there is that things have been moved around, messes have been made and food is missing (yes she eats alot, she weighs about 250lbs). The time my wife told her not to come over when we were not there was when we both came home late from food shopping or something and we wanted to relax a few minutes and watch tv but the remote had disappeared. I know that I am welcome to go to my parents house anytime but I wouldn't dream of being disrespectful about it because I know they would tell me to not come over anymore. That's what my post is all about, my stepdaughter does not seem to understand that she has made choices and with every choice there are consequences. I was taught that parents are supposed to teach their children how to get through this world and be responsable, respectable adults. That's my real question is it better to let her do as she pleases or help her learn an important life lesson. It is not a matter of control it is a matter of an adult trying to help a child understand this world. Listening to some of your posts, I think it is way too late, and I need to let it go, so my wife can get to know her grandchild and try to be happy. Thanks again for all your posts, take care and god bless you all.