Would only like to add that the tank of course will be in your care, lol. (I have an extensive background and too many links so you can email me at sherryazure@yahoo.com if desired) but mainly read up on cycling and maturing a tank before the fish are added. FYI: It is always better to buy a heater for a small tank UNDER watted as they can and do break, overheat. 50 is way to much for a six gallon and 25 would have been perfect (never trust sales people). If it is a great quality should be ok just have it at slightly under where you want temp. (I have dozens of tanks and many therms and all read differently!) Sorry but one should NEVER carry a tank with water in it.. stress not only for tank but for fish. Not a toy and the spot should be chosen for security (ie won't be run into, knocked over, and level table (never near heater or window, but indirect light ok). While small they do stress and break. RE going back and forth, slow down lol, (this post is old but still responding for future readers) plan and do it one step at a time. Do not add fish until all is done and tank has set a bit and matured. Plants are like fish, they need chlorinated water and heat unless cold water plants which those are not, and none live in freezing temps (the cell walls will break down). See below on amount of sand, really not needed unless you have rooted plants which are not always good for beginners (again need to know requirements of, light requirements, fertilizers so on)... get some bunch like anacharis, float them or leave some with weights on... and research plants for later as your knowledge and experience grow. Sand becomes nasty if there are not strong root growth to uptake the poo (and other stuff).. it becomes a breeding ground for "negative" bacteria is too deep and gravel vacuuming not done. a fine layer is perfect for growing good bugs which keep the water cycled. .......................... Then depending on the size (your original size is indeed too small for any amount of any sized goldfish)six is great) of your aquarium you select your fish and that will also affect the type of filtration, heater and water qualities ph, hardness so on. Example: You would not want a betta in a set up with the filtration as mentioned in above posts - the fins would eventually get shredded. A small box filter with valves set on low would be more adequate. Lots of plants as they love to sit on them, hide under then so on (one betta per tank). Cooler temp, small school of fish such as white cloud mountain minnow would be perfect for that size. (they come from Chinese mountain streams.) I would do species only for such a small tank and beginner to boot. White clouds are great beginner fish and there are other small schooling fish but you have to be careful as that tank is too small for more then say 6 really small fish. Priscella tetra is another good choice for beginners. (that was before I read the last post) with six gallon you can add a few more fish, some bottom catfish such as cory catfish which also like to school. See, what fish you plan to get informs you as to your tank set up (after you read up on which are good for beginners) and again sales people (at least hear in NYC) can sale you things that grow huge, or say goldfish with tropical so it is up to you do do resaerch. ........................................... I would also consider plants such as Anubias which are low light easy to care for if they can be found. If not even the beginner Anacharis (not sure how to spell) and other easy to care for beginner plants will help greatly with water quality, security of fish (they hate bare tanks with lights a glare (instinct is to be secure from being eaten) and be careful of being sold land plants as aquarium. Sand is not really needed for bunch plants (Anubias have rizomes and it is never to be planted) but a 1/3 inch layer will help to cultivate the "bugs" bio bacteria which is part of a mature cycled tank and the sand will allow a culture there as well. With no experience in cycling the beginner reason for dead fish is that reason. Adding too many fish in an uncylcled tank. (over feeding, wrong maintenance so on). If you can get filter floss from an (healthy) established tank that will help greatly (put a bit in your filter). Add a few fish after a week or so with plants so on maturing a bit. This gives the "bugs ie organisms) time to establish. The plants will help as well. (Look up ammonia poisoning in fish as it is a really painful way to go, burns the delicate gills.) When you add the fish, do so slowly... any ph difference of a small increment can cause shock and death (as well as temperature change of a small increment)... (There are a great many good beginner books on this, most of mine are from the 50's on up, lol and still serve me well without all the high tech stuff). I lower the lights to avoid stress, put new fish (I always get tons more water from the store) in quarantine tank with filter, heater, towel over end so low light (they are super stressed from bagging (I bag my own and never dump them in - scoop) and transport and stress results in lower immunity and disease)... I put lid on tank (or grid) and slowly with small airline tubing with knot in it trickle new water into the quarantine. Just a little for first day (again depends on ph of your water and stores)...slowly take out some and dribble in new and over time they will be acclimated and you can also watch for disease outbreak. Soft silk plants will greatly add to there comfort. A bare tank is a huge stress for fish. Well there is much more, feeding (eyes are usually size of stomach and do not overfeed) a few flakes (rotate with frozen or live, can learn about this later) twice a day. (smaller faster fish smaller more frequent feeding a few flakes each - that's it). they will nibble on bugs that grow on plants as well (algaes as well) to supplement diet. Again, as a child I went to the library and read for months and set up tank and waited for it to mature before even considering adding fish. This is the number one reason for fish dying or getting sick. And as your child grows older this is a great tool for educational purposes. Good luck and be careful of getting hooked! (it is a habit that can last a lifetime, lol) Best Sherry

I re-read your letter. I applaud you for not abandoning your children, and leaving them to fend for themselves if you left. That is a real father. A father who will make sacrifices for the children. It sounds as if your wife was in the wrong type of counceling. It sounds as though what she really needs are classes in anger management for the well being of your children. Perhaps that is one of the things you will require of her that you will not waiver on. After re-reading your first two posts, I believe that what I suggested in the above two posts sounds like a long shot. And I can imagine how difficult it would be to pull off with a person who is angry and bitter. Especially given how you feel about her. Does she have ANY good points? If so, what are they? I think it would be so depressing to live with someone who has been depressed for 20 years, and is so angry and bitter. If it were me, (OK, I am climbing up on that soapbox for a speech) I think I would tell them that I am sick of them using depression as an excuse for rotten behavior. I would tell her that if it is real depression...meaning chemical imbalance of some sort, then to get herself to a doctor and get her medications right. And if it is depression caused by her own disappointments in life, then suck it up and put a smile on your face and start doing some of the things you need to do. Because the kids and I hate living like this, and your anger and bitterness is destroying our family and the childhood of these children. They do not get a second chance at childhood...this is it, and it is going to be happy from tomorrow on. And if you cannot be a part of making this family a happy and good place to be, then I (meaning you Dave) will step up to the plate and raise these kids and give them that happy, safe childhood. Your 14 year old has so little childhood left, and I (meaning you Dave) am going to make sure it is great! Are you on board, or are you going to continue to hide behind your depression and anger and bitterness, doing your best to make sure home life is crappy for us all? She has a choice to make here. And you may find she is on board, and will begin some new changes, or that she likes being angry and miserable...and then you will know what you need to do. Forgive me for the two messages above, as after I re-read your original posts, I realized how they must sound to someone who is really in the pits in a marriage to someone who is so angry, and bitter all the time. I am not sure any of us could actually rise to the occasion if we were in your shoes and actually pull off what I suggested above. It sounds as if the marriage is just too miserable to actually bring yourself to do as I suggested. Not that it couldn't be done, but it would take a better person than I am to pull it off. Unless she actually makes a decision to change. If she does...perhaps she will surprise you all! In my best pollyanna view...I sometimes think that we can change someone else by being really kind to them. I sometimes have these wierd thoughts that you could take her for a morning of pampering (facial, massage) and then take her for a new outfit, and take just her out to dinner. That by you treating her differently, that maybe she will thaw out, and begin to see herself differently, and begin to change and laugh and smile. That she will "want" to be a better woman for her family. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking...but just maybe????? Anyone, I forget that some people actually "like" to be angry and bitter and miserable all the time. That is their comfort zone. Perhaps she is one of those people. I don't know.

Webegardnr ... I commend you and wish you much future happiness. I think BM getting along with Dad and SM is of vital importance. You have been able to negotiate a most difficult situation. Canine, if BM is a psycho now - just wait. It will get worse. Or perhaps, she is upset because her still married husband is seeing someone else. (That would make any woman psycho). That will also set the stage for her hating you forever because if she is in a situation where she was thinking she get get him back if you weren't in the picture - you will always be considered the villain and the tug of war will last forever. If you listen to statistics ... only about 30-35% of second marriages succeed. Childless second marriages fair much better. Its easy to see why. You are 38 yourself, so you are not a child and hopefully know yourself well enough to know if you are strong enough to handle what's ahead. If you have feelings of jealousy now - its not a good sign. You should resolve that now. I, for one, could never be a step mom. When a child comes into your home, you have to understand that it is much different than a child of your own that you raised for 10 years with your rules and expectations and desired behavior (even then - its dicey-LOL). Different people value different characteristics and have different disciplinary expectations. For example ... my sister in law is a finger print maniac. Don't ever ever touch the switchplate in her home when you turn on the light ... or use the wall to balance yourself going up the staircase. She is raising 7 children that know it is better to roll down the stairs than to use the wall next to the staircase to brace yourself against a fall. However, these same kids think nothing of riding their bikes over neighbors lawns, the 17 year old is allowed to go to drinking parties, etc. Definitely different priorities than in my home. Ok ... how do you take a child from one environment and have him fit well into a totally different one for 4 days a month. Its tough. I love children. I was a a Girl Scout Leader for 11 years, worked in elementary school, etc. I have dealt with some very difficult children, but ..... there were some that I was so happy to say goodbye to after being with them for 2 hours that I literally did the dance of joy!!! As much as I love children, I could never be a stepmother. What goes on in a workplace is different than coming home and having to deal with it. My home is my refuge. The only place I can control to suit me. My little world. Don't let me scare you away from this relationship, if you know in your heart that you can handle it and do whatever is in the best interest of the child (not you). That child will always be number 1 in many situations. If you think you could be a step- mom , that child could also be the greatest gift of your life in the long run. Step parenting is like a mine field from what I have read here. My sister is now going through a divorce after a very long marriage and we were laughing about her prospects of her finding a man with no baggage ... ex wives, children, ill parents living with him,addictions, incarcerations, nasty habits etc, etc !!! She knows that she could not handle children - adult or otherwise and would never attempt it. My brother has a wonderful girlfriend that chooses not to marry him until his 5 children are grown for several reasons. She is accustomed to her place being hers. (We get that way when we're a little long in the tooth). She also does not want to have her income pay for child support and other children's needs (which it would in the state in which they live). They have been together for 7 years now and when the youngest is 18 in about 5 years, they plan to marry and have a place of their own. She actually gets along very well with his children and they adore her, but she know she does not want to be a mother again, nor share her home with children. That doesn't make her bad. It means she's smart enough to know her own limitations and not get herself into a situation she doesn't want to handle. (She is so sweet I know she could handle it if she wanted to, but why add stress to your life). We had our first child after 12 years of marriage when I was on the shady side of 32 and it was a major (I am talking major) adjustment from the self absorbed life we had led as a couple to having to meet someone else's needs 24/7. Mine are in their teens now and believe it or not ... those younger years were the piece of cake. Our daughter just got her driver's license and we purchased a used car for her (12k), insurance costs 216 per month until she's 21, homecoming cost $500, senior year photos $860, and all that I give willingly because she's my angel .... the part I can't handle is the waiting for her to get home safely, the dating scene (quite a bit different than I was last out there in 1972), worrying about college acceptance, life choices, future plans, broken hearts, etc. I can see that I will be on prozac soon. Our son has completely different sets of problems (broken arm in football), doctor appointments that never end, driving to and picking up from football every single day (twice a day in the summer),miserable Spanish teacher, driver's ed, legs that grown an inch a week, a room that reeks of teenage boy smell no matter how clean it looks (what is that anywyas?). Its something you do gladly and willingly, do without financially, emotionally and logistically because they are your world. Could I do that for a child that I didn't raise - I don't think so. If you can, your rewards will be many or if you can't follow through with this relationship - it can be a living hell. Depends also on the Dad (your BF) and how willing he will be to support your needs as a Step Mom. Whatever you choose - much luck. Its not easy to make a rational choice when your heart is clouding your brain.

My husband's mother had grown children....maybe even a grandchild or two, when she married his father, who had grandchildren...probably even great grandchildren, and after they got married, they had six children in six years. She was 38 when he was born....four more after him, and his dad was 68, and 72 when his last was born. The baby had spina bifida and died shortly after birth, and his mother died from breast cancer a couple of years later. I was almost 34....had no trouble getting pregnant and no morning sickness or complications during pregnancy and only gained 25 lb. Had a c section and was in the hospital for five days, and lost all but 7 when I got out. My mother, who was 42, also said she never had any nausea or other problems. My mother was 42 but probably looked older. She was thin and had premature gray hair. After I was born, in a Catholic hospital, by the way, she didn't see me for several hours. One of the sisters came into her room, which was a room with 4 beds, and said, "Have any of you had a baby and not seen it?" My mother said, "I haven't seen mine." The sister said, "Hmph!! No old woman like you has had a baby!" My mother said, "Well, I guess I ought to know if I had a baby or not!" I am quite sure my father was there, and he was a very over bearing type of person, and I can just imagine smoke coming out of his ears, because shortly, the mother superior came running into the room....my mother said her rosary or whatever she had hanging on her outfit (sorry, not Catholic...I don't know) "just a'jangling". She said, "Yes that is Mrs. Stout's baby.....give it to her right now!!"