Problematic relationship with adult daughter
emilydee
11 years ago
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Comments (8)
girlnextdoornco
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Adult daughter leaves home
Comments (5)Ditto--you treat her like any other adult. You let her make her own decisions--even if they're bad ones. You expect her to be an adult if she lives (returns to) in your home--she pays board, she is responsible for her own transportation, for pitching in around the house, etc. Think about this--IF she is in a bad situation, being used as you say, she has for some reason, chosen this over living at home. There's something she's getting here that wasn't happening when she lived with you. Sadly, there is one other thing to consider--which I dearly hope is NOT the case. Often, in situations where a person makes a radical change in lifestyle/personality, there is a cause--could be drugs, at her age it could also be mental illness (that often hits in the early 20's). For now, probably best that you sit back and observe. Offer your support, but not criticism. Try to see her as another adult, NOT as your child who needs to still be taken care of. Good luck....See Morewhat to advice adult children about relationships
Comments (8)There's a difference between you giving her unsolicited advice and her specifically asking you for it. My kids ask me for advice on lots of things (they're around the same age as your daughter) and I think carefully and then tell them what I think they should do. What I THINK they should do. Ultimately the decision is up to them and if they didn't do what I said, I'd be ok with that. But in fact, they pretty much always follow my advice. So I think they really WANT to know what to do. They're counting on my help. In fact once my son asked me advice on a fairly touchy subject which I didn't really want to get involved with. I hemmed & hawed but he pushed and pushed till I finally said what I thought. So he said, see? you did have an opinion, you just didn't want to say it. Of course he was right. But I did say it and he did do what I said and it did turn out for the best. I was like you, I felt that he needed to do what was right for him. The problem was that he simply didn't know what was right for him. I mean, he couldn't think of all the implications of either choice, and he was very scared of the possible results of either choice. I think there's a lot to be said for life experience which I have but which my kids have not yet acquired. Sometimes they just need to get that perspective. You didn't ask about what advice you should give your daughter, but I'm going to say what I think anyway. My advice (if she were my daughter) would be to end the relationship and move out asap. I firmly believe that staying in a dead relationship for the sake of convenience is a mistake. The longer she stays with someone that she has no future with, the more she will miss opportunities to meet the RIGHT mate. why fix somehting what isn't broken But in fact, it IS broken. Once either or both come to the conclusion that they will not stay together forever, it's broken....See MoreRelationship with Adult Stepchildren
Comments (43)I encourage my DH to spend times alone with his kids. I've been brought up to realize that not everyone should be included. Like my own son. I love him but i dont want him stuck to my hip! I like my alone time and i like time with my husband. Other times i just want time with the gals. So i think on that end i would agree with some posters that your Dh should spend time with his girls. What i do also understand is why your Dh wont cause it makes him uncomfortable with her physically touching him like that. This is not normal and rubbing and flopping in her daddy's lap at her age is cause for concern. So your DH refuses the ' date' because he sees it as an encouragement for thsi odd behaviour and i agree with him to refuse. But he should refuse explaining exactly why because of his discomfort not because you are excluded. ANd i do not like the way your SD blunted said you are exclude. Because she obviously has issues with you and she could have used different words such as ' Dad ,i'ld like some time alone just the two of us ifyou dont mind. And maybe another time we can all go out but i need some one on one advice and time from you as my father. ' And yes, my husband is exactly like yours most of the time. He is aloof with his own brothers and sisters. Which i'm not used because i'm close with my family and do not mind if they drop by. He does. He likes his alone time with me only.WHich drives me nuts cause i do not like anyone stuck to my hip. I think balance in everything is healthy. Too much of anything is not. Whether it be a person, a computer, a drink, food tect..etc... In the end. If your husband is not comfortable in going out with his daughters whether you have been invited or not, its his perogative to say no. Its just too bad that you are the scapegoat when he does decline. Or words it in such a way the way he did. Your DH defines himself with you. and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like my husband. If i'mnot invited, he tells people to take a hike. I'm proud of him for it but sad at the same time because he should define himself alone not just with me. I guess its to each their own. And how they want to live. You cannot force anyone to phone people whetther its their own family or friends. I used to remind my husband, phone your kids, but now i dont....i should not be his mother. I'm his wife and itshis responsibility to phone his kids. If he doesn't , then its not my fault. Its his and his kids know it. ANyways..we're on vacation! And we're off to the mall to putts around on a rainy icky day! Chin up, dont worry about yoru SD. Let your husband handle it. Even if he doesn't handle it perfectly, its stillhis call in the end....See MoreClingy Adult StepDaughter
Comments (5)I think some kids of divorce hold on to slights (real or imagined) forever. My daughter and son were 9 & 7 when their father and I divorced. They are in their 40's now. Despite our best efforts, one rolled with the punches and the other one to this day still has little flashes of resentment. It sounds like your husband -and you too - stayed very involved in her life, making the best of a situation he chose to be able to make a living. You always hope that once kids grow up and start looking at life through grown up eyes, they'll realize things are not always the black and white of their youth. So at 29 years old, if she still suffers abandonment issues, it's way beyond time for her to own them. It may be that she's sensed your husband guilt in this regard and is playing on it. The fact that you still have family vacations is wonderful. But the fact that a 29 year old woman feels that EVERY vacation you take needs to include her, IS unnerving. I can see how that would be disturbing to you. It's like a spin off of Arrested Development! You can't really control what she thinks or says or does. You can only control how you react to it. And I think the less reaction, the better? She is likely just trying to call your bluff, but If she is silly enough to go to the same place on her own, just tell her you can probably get together for dinner one night and leave it at that. Fortunately it seems your husband also finds her behavior odd. Think how whacked out you'd be if he was agreeing with HER all the time!!...See Moreellendi
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agonaturelover42
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoazzalea
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoworriedone
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoBrigitte63
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoSuzanne Spina
7 months agolast modified: 7 months ago
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