Problematic relationship with adult daughter
emilydee
11 years ago
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girlnextdoornco
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Adult daughter leaves home
Comments (5)Ditto--you treat her like any other adult. You let her make her own decisions--even if they're bad ones. You expect her to be an adult if she lives (returns to) in your home--she pays board, she is responsible for her own transportation, for pitching in around the house, etc. Think about this--IF she is in a bad situation, being used as you say, she has for some reason, chosen this over living at home. There's something she's getting here that wasn't happening when she lived with you. Sadly, there is one other thing to consider--which I dearly hope is NOT the case. Often, in situations where a person makes a radical change in lifestyle/personality, there is a cause--could be drugs, at her age it could also be mental illness (that often hits in the early 20's). For now, probably best that you sit back and observe. Offer your support, but not criticism. Try to see her as another adult, NOT as your child who needs to still be taken care of. Good luck....See MoreAdult Daughter of Step-Mother Need Advice
Comments (7)I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you....See MoreFather / Daughter relationship question
Comments (18)"What really helped with us was that I started doing things with SS, without DH." This is such a good and valid point, and something that helped me tremendously in my own relationship with my SS(9). He was not quite 2 when DH and I started dating---my DD is the same age. (They are six weeks apart!) The kids were not quite 5 when we moved in together, and then 6 when we got married. They are both now 9 yrs old. Anyway, I struggled in the earlier days, even right around the time we got married, with feeling close to and good about my relationship with SS. We did have a lot of externals, with his BM actively working to ensure he didn't like me. SS was very torn and that made it hard for him to warm up to me, and it made me feel very hesitant/hands off. But I wholeheartedly agree with Mattie---spending time alone with SS made a big difference in our bond. It was like he began to see me as a parent figure who cares about and for him; when DH was around, it was almost as though I didn't exist. I think the best turning point was 2 years ago when I took SS on vacation WITHOUT DH. I took both kids--DD and SS---on vacation with my extended family. Spending a week with SS where I was the ONLY parent really bonded us in a way I can't explain. It's still not perfect or ideal; we are not super close, and I think he still, at times, is hesitant about me just b/c of the animosity BM has directed at me. But it's better, soooo much better than ever before. And I have no reason to think that things will not continue to improve the older and more independent SS becomes. I understand your situation is a bit different in that you're not custodial, and you spend big chunks of time alone with your SD may not be an option. But Mattie makes a great point! And you have the "girl" factor on your side, too. You and SD could go shopping or go get mani/pedis. Go see a chick flick. Those kinds of things. Bond with her over being females, relate to her on that level. That gives you an "excuse" to do some things WITHOUT DH. Maybe make it a point to do sometihng just you and SD once a month---even if it's just a quick run to Target, or to the grocery store....See MoreI need to talk about my adult step-daughter
Comments (5)Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom....See Moreellendi
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agonaturelover42
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoazzalea
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoworriedone
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoBrigitte63
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoSuzanne Spina
8 months agolast modified: 8 months ago
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