meeting my biological son for the first time.
Everett_OR
22 years ago
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sheilajoyce_gw
22 years agoRelated Discussions
Help.. Single, meeting child for first time, child is 11.
Comments (4)Hi I had a similar situation from my first marriage . Saw my daughter once at two months and then again 35 years later lol The meeting was arranged by friends and she was at their home during a visit to my home town . Total surprise for me lol Interesting that during the meeting I had no idea who she was but immediately noticed how much she looked like her mother 35 years ago of course lol She was married and had children of her own my grandchildren which were almost teenagers . had intentionally avoided the meeting as I was totally unprepared to explain what happened . Interestingly that was not a problem we talked mostly about her kids and her mother her life but almost nil about the past. She said that she was very happy to have finally met me as my name had come up in conversations over the years lol Wasn't bad and am sort of glad that it happened though I certainly wouldn't have arranged it She returned to her life and me to mine naturally and since we live almost 2000 miles apart we do exchange info a bit. Has tapered off in the last few years My grandchildren send me Christmas and Birthday cards As to your problem there's really only two choices either do it now or much much later?? Good luck with whichever way you decide!!! gary...See MoreWhere's my biological Dad?
Comments (7)wow, you do have a loaded boat. He sounds like a clone of my ex, though it was dh's ex that caused the most problems. Some of the stuff she did we had little control over while the kids were young. But they are all grown now, and believe me they know her for what she is. Now we hear "I didn't see it when I was growing up, but now I understand." We also took great pains not to bad mouth their mom. As a child of divorce I have first hand experience of what happens when you listen to bad things about the other parent: you may keep quiet, but inside you are defending them to the max. It just makes the bond stronger. I will give you one word of encouragement: he CANNOT be a thorn in your side for the rest of your life, because someday those kids will all be grown and you will not have to have contact with him at all, barring birth-death-graduations-weddings. He'll behave at those hallmark events or his kids won't invite him, they'll take care of that themselves. Other than that he will just fade away from your life. As the the 7-yr old 'fibbing': Regardless of when, where, or to whom he is lying, that must be handled firmly, swiftly, and consistently. Make him understand that lying will not be tolerated. Every child has a 'favorite' something, figure out what his favorite activity or toy or event is and let him know in advance that he will loose that for telling fibs. Then follow through each and every time. We used escalating discipline. It's handy to chart it all out so there is no question about which time this is, what it to be restricted, when such event happened, etc. Even a 7 year old can read a simple chart. First event: 3 days (or a week, or whatever you feel is age-appropriate) restricted from such-n-such. Second offense, 6 (2week), 3rd offense 12 days (4 weeks). the time doubled with each escalation. Believe me, if they are giving up something they REALLY like they won't often do it past third, and that's if they are hard headed. You could also do it with something they must do, rather than loosing something they like to do. If they don't like sitting still and writing, 1st event, a 1 paragraph essay on 'why I shouldn't do such-n-such, next time 2, next time 4, etc. But in my experience it was more successfully to withdraw a favored thing. With #1 son, loosing book or game time. #2, no playing with others, #3, no outside play #4, no tv, #5, no telephone. With daughter, the most successful thing turned out to be her wardrobe. Take her favorite outfit out of circulation for x days. This is age and interest specific and will change with time. It is time consuming and you must be scrupulously consistent. But the payoff is worth it. The 7 yr old sounds like he may have a bit of his dad in him, it would be to his advantage to get him trained out of it now. good luck, and keep us posted, or you can email me. j...See MoreMeeting his 10 yr old son for the first time
Comments (5)cdngirl: I just read back through canine's post "BF has child, I have none-help with nerves" and saw your message: > My BF is amazing, and I told him thatI didn't want to meet his son unless he was "ring-on-the-finger" serious. That was only 6 weeks ago, but then we are in our late 30's and both about to finalize divorces, so if he's sure..I know I am... Er...please don't be offended, but this sounds rather ill-advised. Both the not-meeting-the-kid, and the deciding-to-get-married-after-6-weeks. The thing is, this may sound kind of old fashioned but when you marry somebody, you're marrying their situation and you're marrying their whole family. Including the problems. Especially the problems. > this could be the big "test" though...what do you think? I think that's a contender for understatement of the year. The younger the kid is when a step parent waltzes on to the scene, the easier it is for the step. At 3 or 4, the kid's still young enough to be easily disciplined, and I've read that even up to age 5 or so children often bond very well with the step. At 1 or 2, the kid will probably see no diff between the step and the real parent -- depending on the specifics of the situation of course. My 3 year old SS was a cakewalk -- my 9 year old SD and 13 year old SS on the other hand were not cakewalks. My advice to you: * do background research on the web about the sorts of behaviors that you can expect from kids post-divorce, and entering into a step situation. * ask your SO what sorts of things his kid is interested in, and do research into that -- not necessarily to cram fun down his throat, but to have points of reference -- and to find out if his personality is drastically different than yours. If you think it doesn't matter, check out mom-2-4's posts. * Ask your SO ALL about his SS, particularly if he has any wacky kinds of personality traits -- gird your loins. Before somebody jumps down my throat, either my partner failed to mention it, or she did and I just plain forgot when I met her, but my SD tends to lie. Quite a lot. I can understand it, knowing the family situation she's in with her BD, but I wasn't aware of it when we met, which lead to...situations. * even with the 3 above points, try to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, because kids are perceptive and kids are smart. They just lack vocab, and social embarrasment/guilt. * DON'T GET MARRIED RIGHT AWAY. Kids in a step or divorce situation are on a slow timescale. I would personally give it 2 years of constant contact, before you really know where you stand, but don't do anything for at least 6 months. My advice, anyway. As far as what do 10 year olds like to do -- try Warhammer, D&D, playing catch (baseball & frisbee), amusement parks, miniature golf, having books recommended to them (Henry Reed, My Side of the Mountain, House with the Clock in its Walls, 3 Investigators), watching cartoons, watching shoot-em-up sci fi (best of all -- Aliens 2), playing video games, riding bikes, going hiking. Or at least, that's what *I* liked at 10....See Moreso much for my first GC meeting
Comments (8)dan1888 - I'm not sure if you are advising me to have "patience" but at a certain point I accept reality in terms of there being a limited pool of contractors who are willing and able to do my remodel - it's not an ideal project as it's in a high rise condo so there are lots of restrictions including limited hours and shlepping materials up and down an elevator. The one GC who has provided an estimate has worked with my designer on other projects including a remodel of our building lobby which project was completed with just the standard number of glitches. I don't know what will change - at this point I have been working on this since October with a contemplated start date of January of this year which now is more realistically April. I am in limbo with everything in my apartment packed up and moved out. I realize the OP might not have the same circumstances as I do except that from my conversations with friends, there is so much remodeling and construction currently going on in Los Angeles, that it is difficult to find a good contractor - and the situation is only going to get worse during Spring and Summer - unless of course something tanks the stock market and people pull in their remodeling reins :-)...See Morebulldinkie
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