Ignored by adult children
missingmydaughters
10 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (8)
jdez
10 years agoRelated Discussions
Stepmom of adult children needs help! Totally frustrated
Comments (23)I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them....See MoreEtiquette for exspouses and adult children
Comments (24)OK. I guess the history in our families has defined what we believe. I never experienced my father's and mother's family together at an event. When I was raising my children with my ex before the divorce we did holidays,etc. at seperate times with my parents than his. My DH had the same; mother Xmas, father Xmas, in-laws Xmas. So this is not a new concept to our children, in fact is what they are used to. Since the divorces we have had our holidays at noon so they could be with their other parent from 3 pm on. Now there are significant other/spouse's families. With the one that is married, the spouse's parental and materal families do not celebrate together. So I do not believe we are being "ridiculous". It has been three generations in the making. Yep, DH and I have talked about just going along and smiling all the way. Maybe we should do this and the child will notice that it is so thick you could cut it with a knife. If that is that she/they want, then we sure as H... can buck it up (we have done it numerous times in the past when we have happened onto our exes with our children). We are not about to cause a "scene". That is why we have tried to work things out beforehand. As far as the wedding, the bride, our future daughter-in-law, made the wedding invitations. We did not see them until we received one in the mail. My only request to my son for the wedding was not to have my ex and I stand next to each other in the receiving line or sit next to each other in church. Of course, ex had to sit directly behind us, AFTER the priest had said the children should seperate the father and mother in pew rows. Would we make a scene at an event? NO. It is for the child. But...there can be ways to work around this beforehand. We have attempted to teach our children diplomacy; this smacks of selfishness to us on our child's part. "I do not care what you or my other parent feels"; I just want a party in my honor....See MoreBeing a stepmom to adult children whose mother has died
Comments (7)Oh my. In my opinion, you need to speak to husband. He is making things harder than need be. Your husband being overly stubborn over the title 'grandma' is going to work against you, not in your favor. Husband can not stomp his foot and demand his grandchildren call you anything other than politely address you by your name. When and if the kiddies choose to call you 'grandma' they will do it on their own (and I don't think the adult children should object if the kids themselves choose to call you this title). Refusing to go to the party because DH could not sign the card 'grandpa and grandma'? Ouch. It really sounds like you are being very willing to work with everyone involved to make things comfortable and agreeable to everyone concerned....it's your husband that needs to stand back a bit and let things take a natural course. The kiddies may never call you grandma, but if they are receptive to you and respectful of you they very well may come to appreciate your role in their life. Just because you are not called 'grandma' does not mean you can't have a caring/loving relationship with the kids if they are willing. I think the important thing is the relationship itself and not what you or they call it. If they want to call you Grandpa and _______ , so be it. The important to me would be that a title does not get in the way of the actual actions and relationship. I would not be offended if I were called _______. I would be offended if Grandpa was called Grandpa and I was called 'hey you' and treated rudely. If I were not wanted to actually participate in the parties and family events or mistreated because I did so, then I'd have issues. Being called _______, I could be happy with. Afterall, bottomline, I not grandmother and should not demand a title they are not willing to share. My youngest daughter has no living biological grandfather. My mother's SO (22 yr relationship before he passed on)was 'Grandpa' to her. The gentleman helped full a otherwise empty role in her life. But no one made her address him as 'grandpa' and no one made him take on the role of 'grandpa'. It just happened. She crawled up on his lap one afternoon, hugged him and said 'I love you Grandpa'. We (mother and I) never called him anything but his first name to my daughter. She did it all by herself. The gentleman just totally beamed with joy when she took him by surprise by doing so. Mother and I kept our mouths shut and let them have their grandpa/grandchild relationship. No one tried to sway their relationship one way or the other. They chose it, they developed it, we (mother and I) stayed out of it. That's not to say though that my daughter does not know he was really not her biological grandfather. It does not mean she does not know about my father. I've shared many stories with her about my dad. So did her fill-in 'grandpa'. The gentleman was my father's first cousin and they (the two gentleman) grew up together. Perhaps your husband needs to quietly discuss things with his children. Kinda one by one he take them out to lunch and just open up to each other. He can't demand things that they are not comfortable with and he can't race things that sometimes just need to take time. An so too, dad needs to realize somethings might never happen. All he can do is expect respect. Both towards himself, towards you and towards your new life together. He also needs to let the adult children know that he is open to discussions with them when/if something arises that they are uncertain of and/or uncomfortable with. I actually suggest some of the attempt at open communication comes just between Dad and the adult children at least to start. I don't think the kids should be put on the spot by having to have a group family meeting (you included in it) where they might say something that would hurt feelings or not feel like they can openly speak ...I think the goal would be to get an understanding between the father and his children, know how each one of them feels, what they are and are not comfortable with. The adult children have to realize that Dad is moving on with his life, there are changes, just like the children need to move on with their life. Life is for the living. While we all have changes in our life and some changes are easier to cope with than others, we can't hold back the blows and hardships life tosses at us and all we can do is work towards making it through the ups and downs as a team aka family. You sound as if you could be a very positive addition to both dad and the adult step children's life. You just have to take it step by step, one day/event at a time and keep the communication lines flowing. First the first time in being a parent to Dad's children, he may have to learn to make father/child decisions on his own. Sure you and he can discuss issues together, he can ask for your advice, but in the end, Dad has to learn how to be a parent to his adult children on his own just as his children must learn to go on through life now without their mother. Your situation does not sound hopeless. It just kinda sounds like you all got thrown in these changes in all your life without a roadmap to help guide you through. Patience, time and a little empathy all around got my sister and I through the unexpected changes we faced. I wish you all the best....See MoreAdult Step-children
Comments (29)Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself....See MoreLuAnn_in_PA
10 years agopopi_gw
10 years agonancylouise5me
10 years agostir_fryi SE Mich
10 years agomissesmother
10 years agolucillle
9 years ago
Related Stories
LIFEThe Polite House: How to Set Rules for Adult Children Living at Home
Here are 3 important conversations to have, and the language that will help you succeed
Full StoryBOOKS11 Great Children’s Books About Home (and 2 Honorable Mentions)
Homes come in many different shapes and sizes, and these kids’ books highlight the tallest, the smallest, the oldest and the silliest
Full StoryKIDS’ SPACESRoom of the Day: The Young Adults’ Section
A Connecticut couple create a fun yet sophisticated hangout space for their maturing children
Full StoryROOM OF THE DAYRoom of the Day: A Bright, Colorful Playroom for Kids and Adults
Fun colors mix with sophisticated furnishings and finishes to create an addition suitable for child’s play and adult relaxation
Full StoryOUTBUILDINGSAdults Allowed: A Poolside Playhouse Makes Room for All
Sprightly but not saccharine, this adaptable backyard structure is equally at home with the grandkids and the grown-ups
Full StoryCONTEMPORARY HOMESHouzz Tour: A Sophisticated Home for Adults and Babies
Homeowners expecting twins make a nest that works for kids but is not kid dominated
Full StoryBATHROOM DESIGNRoom of the Day: Kids and Adults Share a Bright 40-Square-Foot Bathroom
Splashes of lime green add a playful touch to this efficient and economical second bath
Full StoryTREE HOUSESTour a Fantastical Tree House for Kids and Adults Too
For an architect and a master woodworker, a magical tree house answers the question, ‘What would you do if you could do anything?’
Full StoryKIDS’ SPACES11 Clever Ways to Display and Store Children’s Books
Inspire a love of books in young readers by keeping their beloved stories easy to see and reach
Full StorySponsored
emma