Ignored by adult children
missingmydaughters
10 years ago
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jdez
10 years agoRelated Discussions
estrangement from adult children
Comments (93)Wow! I thought my son was bad but still ... I can relate on some level to these comments and stories. I always say no one can break your heart like your own child. It's a different kind of heartbreak that slices through to your soul. My son is a good young man but man oh man is he stubborn. Stubborn to the point it's heartbreaking. Just got off the phone with him asking what are his plans for the future. His response was, "You know, I am not going to talk to you because you just disrespected and insulted me." I'm thinking, "How on earth is asking what your future plans are disrespecting and insulting?" He just doesn't want to plan a future, no goal, no college, nothing. Next he'll go on silence for a while. Mind you, he was married a little over a year ago, New Year's Eve 2013. After I told him he's too young at 25. Young in terms of not planning a future. He went and married anyways to prove me wrong. Well, I was right, now he's going through a divorce. His wife is divorcing for the same reason I am questioning him ... no ambition. But he can't see the ocean because of the waves. My son is an only child who has had the best life. Better than all his cousins by a long shot but he can't see this either. He complains and blames. For what?! I have no idea. I made his life so comfortable. Yes, it is narcissism. He feels he doesn't have to do anything. Both his father and I, who never married are products of education. We both pursued college degrees and entered the workforce. His father was never really a part of his life but he sent monetary support. Me, I was the sole breadwinner with a nice career that I grew tired of and now back in college to make a career change. So I have no idea how to motivate him and at times feel I am at fault. Thank you oilpainter for your words, " Their actions are THEIRS not yours, and it does not mean you have no value." I was struggling a bit after the phone call till I read your words. Maybe it's me and my expectations. Well, I'm going to heed the words I've lived with all my life that have served me well - If you don't know what to do then pray. And I'm going to speak with a therapist. I need some counseling. One child, two children, three children ... it doesn't matter. I have one and it's just as hard....See MoreWhen did our adult children become perfect?
Comments (69)I am going through this grief right now and it is possibly the most painful heartache imaginable. My adult daughter has alienated herself from me over a difference of opinion on the subject of abortion. I was at one time very much into the prolife movement. But because I've grown and learned, I've changed positions. I support pro choice. My daughter, who has suffered multiple miscarriages, read a comment I made on a discussion about the subject and was offended. She refuses to speak to me. I am beyond heartbroken. I feel as if my daughter wants to control my thoughts. She posts things on social media that lead me to think they are deliberate attempts to twist the knife. So hurtful they are, and she never considers that worse than losing a pregnancy to miscarriage is the pain of having your own child reject you. I have also lost a pregnancy to miscarriage, so I know what that's like. I've also lost my husband, her dad, and that was at the time, the worst pain I'd ever experienced. But this! This child of mine has cost me a lot in terms of sacrifice. At a time when I could least afford it, because I was home from my job for medical reasons, my daughter needed help paying her rent. I committed to help her. She got engaged to a man and mom paid for the wedding. A few years went by and the marriage ended. She needed help again to pay her bills. By then, I was old enough to take early retirement. It was all I had to give. So I did. It cost me half of what I'd otherwise have been entitled to. And that's for the rest of my life. My daughter takes little responsibility for her own affairs. And yes, mom's fault for bailing her out over and over. Her sister got saddled with her cell phone bill. Her dog damages property because he's not properly housetrained, and that has cost her sister a lot of money. My daughter owns 3 cars, two of them are high dollar cars. Her payments for those, she doesn't skip. But it's okay to let everyone else pay for her bills. And she says I lie when I say I love her,...See MoreStepmom of adult children needs help! Totally frustrated
Comments (23)I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them....See MoreWhat is the FREAKING deal with adult children?
Comments (36)I married a great man. We dated for 5 years before getting married. We have 7 children between us. There are two ex-wives both allergic to work, neglectful mothers with drug and alcohol issues. Two of my step children lived with their mother who was hearing impaired and couldn't crawl out of the bottle. The other two children were kept from their other siblings. Their mother was/is a drug addict who had her son running drugs for her. My husband worked a lot of hours and out of town. Last ex wife took husband to the cleaners, lied about domestic and claimed to have spent her life ensuring her children were raised correctly and self sufficient. The adult kids have been dependent on my husband for over 10 years. He pays the mortgage on the house that was supposed to be sold so his youngest son can live there with his girlfriend and their children. The girlfriend collects welfare, my SS makes good money, they sub-rent the house, they have three times the allowable animals by city ordinance, the house is trashed, and the ex wife her boyfriend, the girlfriend's parents squat there. It's a mess. The people that live frequently live there are criminals with drug & alcohol problems. We just bought a house and I'm always worried about liability. The mother of our grandchildren keeps the kids from us we hardly see them, unless they need $$$ or it's a birthday or holiday. She never finished high school and now she partially home schools our grandaughter. I'm sure it's so she can stay home and run around with her twin sister. My step son is a glazier and makes good $$$ and just hands her his debit card so she can but whatever. They rarely contribute to the expenses of the house. They have stated they want to buy the house and my husband will sell it for what's owed yet year after year they swat. They can't rent anywhere because they have a history of not paying rent, and she's an animal (dog) hoarder. My 35 year old step daughter is a single mother, with drug & alcoholic problems. She uses bi-polar as an excuse for her bad behavior. My husbands picks up the slack for our grandaughter because SD wouldn't turn dad in for child support. Dad is a Mexican national who is an alcoholic and wouldn't work and leaches off his elderly mother and sister. SD is hard on cars and dad helps her out about every 16 months with a car. SD makes decent money but spends it like water eating out, Starbucks, cigarettes ... anything but car repair, paying speeding tickets etc... 30 year old step son is living with us, he hooked up with a meth head that we supported along with her three children. He got a DV for trying to leave her after she attacked him. He then crashed our car, and isn't getting another, despite my husband saying he will buy him car. While spending thousands of $$$ to help him, his mother is doing meth with him. Yes I spend a great deal of time trying to clean this woman's mess but she is mother & grandmother of the year. Good grief! She's now scheming and scamming claiming back problems to try to tap into my husband's social security. My last step son is amazing. He is hearing impaired and works his ass off. His wife was a teen mother who just graduated from college. Their son is well mannered, motivated and grounded. They are wonderful parents, partners and work hard to be self sufficient. My kids are not perfect but I limit how we help them, My youngest is living with us because he can't rent an apt in the current market having a good rental history. He has medical issues in which we help pay for the last surgery. He's 21, works, helps out & pays his bills. My middle child is somewhat disappointing with his recreational drug use, job hopping and pretty much being self centered. He is slow to pay back loans. My oldest pays back loans, works his tail off and lives in someone's attack, so he's at least on his own. My kids aren't going anywhere in life but they try to be self sufficient. I was always the smothering mother, but my husband wanted me to back away. It was hard but I did, and I'm blunt with my children on many subjects. It is not beyond me to pull over and tell my son to get out of my car if he can't be respectful and that the walk to where ever he is going will clear his head. My husband watched his sisters leach off his mother and father until they died. None of those sisters are self sufficient and they are in their late 50's. I'm sick of it because my husband wants to retire as his body is sore from working construction. He can't because he wouldn't cut the kids off. There's one thing helping, but we are supporting and not getting that dependent tax credit. This is ruining our marriage. I flat out tell my husband that if he dies before me I will not keep his kids in the manner that they are accustomed. I don't make that kind of $$$, not do I agree with paying for adult kids, girlfriends, grandchildren, dependent ex wives, parents of children's girlfriends etc..... My husband wants a new truck and he wanted to take a loan out against our house for it. I told him no take it out against the one that the kids live in that was to be sold 10 years ago that he pays the bills on. I do love my husband, he's a wonderful, intelligent hard working man. When I met my husband he had no job and no home. His wife kicked him out and he went to stay with daughter whom was my neighbor. Everything we have we have built together as a couple. It is not for the taking by the children and certainly not while we are living. I live in fear of liability from the irresponsible step kids and their associates. It's very stressful and effecting our health. Yet my husband prefers to be complacent and continues to shell out. How long should one carry their 30 year old + kids & lazy drug addicted ex-wive ? I think about divorce just to escape the unnecessary drama. Two's company but with a parasitic ex wife and adult children there is little relaxation and enjoyment....See MoreLuAnn_in_PA
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