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Need support

Posted by bverste (My Page) on
Sun, Jan 22, 12 at 15:40

Friday was my Independence day. I am a single mother of two adopted children, daughter 31 (adopted at age 7), and son 23 (adopted at age 5). My daughter is addicted to pain killers, and lost custody of her children (thank goodness I have a good relationship with my son in law) and my son spent much of his teen years in residential treatment due to his temper. My daughter has relied on me for money even when she was married. I have given her money freely (before I knew she was an addict) and have let her live with me when she is clean. Last fall I went on a cruise, and she had already been asked to leave the home due to drug usage. She broke in while I was gone and stole a check book. I did press charges, since that time she has come into the home and taken things like blankets and pillows, didn't report those, I would have felt silly, but I was absolutely furious because some how she managed the last time to knock over two gallons of paint that spilled all over the living room floor, (thank goodness I was pulling up the carpet anyway, but it was the idea). anyway she asked me last week to buy her a phone card. I snapped with her, and told her no, and said that I loved her, but she was on her own, and that if it weren't for the money, I didn't think she would even come around. She asked for money for this month, saying next month she would figure out something. I told her she could figure out something this month too. I then "turned" on my son. He has been driving me crazy. He is so angry and any conversation turns into an argument, and everything is my fault, he doesn't say please or thank you, calling me a f***ng b***ch if I can't leave work to pick him up some food, or pay for something, and has in the past been physically aggressive. so I liberated myself from him, telling him to get some counseling and when he could have decent conversations with me to not come around. that led to a flurry of phone calls and text messages threatening suicide, violence and never talking to me again. Denied every calling me names that I didn't deserve, and that I brought on anything I got. The yesterday he called endlessly to have me come pick him up to take him to eat--finally saying "fine, I won't even talk to you if you come and get me." I finally shut off the phone. But here is where I need the support, I feel guilty and think okay maybe one more time of helping them, but I know he isn't going to starve, and she will find a way to make it, but it sure is hard. I have been reading through the past posts and in part that is what sparked my Independence Day. So thank you for the inspiration and for any support. Bev


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Need support

They are adults they need to stand on their own two feet, you know this don't you ?

Keep that in mind when you talk to them. Be understanding but you can't help them - end of story.

You have done the hard yards, you deserve a rest.

Why do you think they have turned out to be troubled people ?


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RE: Need support

Remind yourself that if you dropped dead tomorrow, there'd be no more "just helping them out one more time". Helping them out is not doing them any favours and is doing them a huge disservice in not learning to become independent adults. Reality is that one day you WILL be gone and if they haven't learned to run their own lives by then they'll be floundering.


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RE: Need support

You're on the right road--we never do our adult children any favors when we enable them to be less than they should be. It's time for the 'kids' to become grownups--and I can tell you know that.

And remember, none of their issues are your problem. If these children were put up for adoption at those ages, they no doubt came from less than desireable beginnings. As I'm sure you know--as an adoptive parent--many experts say that by age 5, it's already too late to 'save' a child who's been raised in a bad environment. I've seen that several times in my own life--a friend who took in and raised a relative's daughter (didn't get her until about age 7-8, gave her a very good, strong, family foundation, and the girl still turned out badly). My sister and her husband took in a couple of children (a brother and sister--ages 4 and 5) and gave them every opportunity--love, education, trips, medical care (including things like braces) a real family background, good structure, the opportunity to go to college. Sis and BIL did this out of the goodness of their hearts, no recompense from the kid's birth parents, no help from the state. They didn't even legally adopt them--their dad had just dropped them off on the doorstep one day (on his way to jail), and they took them in and raised them for the next 15+ years. But the kids are now grown, and have reverted to the ghetto lives their parents lived. They're not interested in taking advantage of the blessings they've been freely offered.

Sadly, kids like this have often been damaged before birth by things like drugs, alcohol, poor nutrition, etc, then, if their first important years aren't spent in a positive environment, there's simply no way to fix the damage done. Sad, and frustrating for those who love and care enough to try.

Hang in there--you're doing exactly the right thing. Sometimes, the 'sink or swim' method is exactly the one that has the best chance of success. Good luck to you all.


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