Guidance for a 21 yr old son
texasone
12 years ago
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asolo
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agotracystoke
12 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Parenting advise needed: 14 yr. old and missing assignments
Comments (14)OMG, I have so been there. The child who carries around completed assignments, not turning them in, until they are lost. He'd lose his own head if it weren't attached, I tell ya... And he's only in 6th grade. I'm fearful of high school. First, I told him that he had two choices - I can go to school with him and make SURE he turns things in, or we could figure out a system that would work for him. Of course he chose the second option, lol. He's required to have one big binder for all of his classes and as a result, the thing is like the black hole. Things go in and go into the abyss. I assume he looks for things in class but just gets frustrated and decides he doesn't have it. So, we went and got a sturdy thin folder with pockets on the inside. This is the HOMEWORK FOLDER. The left side is labeled for assignments TO DO. The right side is assignments TO TURN IN. This is kept totally separate from the black hole. Nothing else is allowed in that folder but assignments that are done at home. We've had a bit of an issue with him putting things into the homework folder while he's at school (they sometimes get shoved into the binder), but at least at home I can make sure that all of the assignments he did that evening get put into the homework folder TO TURN IN pocket. And there they are supposed to stay until they are turned in. That way when he's in class he doesn't have to fish through the black hole, just pull out that folder and there it is. It's not foolproof, but it's definitely helped....See MoreIssues with a 21 yr. old son
Comments (4)Help_seeker, I am so sorry. To me it seems like parenting adult kids is particularly difficult when substance abuse or mental illness is involved. When your son finishes job corps, then it sounds like he will truly be on his own and responsible for finding a job and earning his own living. He may still change his mind and his direction in life. If I were in your shoes, knowing drugs are involved, I would try to attend a local NarAnon family group or something like that. They can probably give you some great tips. I might be tempted to keep paying for the cell phone, so my son would have a way to contact me and I would have a way to contact him. But you may be right that it would be better to stop paying for the cell phone. I know you are broken hearted at the direction your son has taken in life, and I would be, too. But he has some things going on in his favor. He was caught with pot, not heroin. Future employers will be a lot more understanding about an arrest for pot possession than something like meth. Second, he's an intelligent young man. When he finally gets his act together, he's a smart guy and he still go back to school if he chooses. Many young people struggle just to pass basic community college courses. When your son decides to get serious about his education he will be a bit rusty but he has the intelligence to do well once he makes that choice. Last, he has caring parents - both parents - who love him. It sounds like all you can do is step back and let him fall, and probably the sooner the better. Do you think it's possible that your son has a mental health issue like depression or anxiety? I've been told that there are some mental health issues that start showing symptoms early in college, and that self-medicating with alcohol or drugs sometimes goes hand in hand with mental health issues. I know people with mental health issues who have gotten treatment that works for them and are doing great - they went from falling apart to living healthy, happy, responsible lives. Hang in there. It sounds like your son has been given a loving family foundation. He may see the light sooner than you think....See More18 yr old drinking
Comments (18)Oh yuck!... I think you're very wise to be so concerned and I'll keep my fingers crossed for a mild ride... In my book, social drinking with friends at parties at age 18 is within the "normal" range of teenage activities, but having empty bottles rolling around inside drawers and rum-filled soda cans is "problem" behavior. Not to mention the knife! Drinking alone in her room and having empty bottles hidden are both signs of a possibly serious problem. I imagine you're aware that a vulnerability to substance addiction is an inherited trait? And that with alcoholism on both sides of her biological family tree, your SD is very vulnerable to alcoholism? Is this a point that was brought home to her in the strongest possible terms? Seems every 18 year old knows that they personally are invincible -- but the stats show otherwise... Al-Anon is a great place to get more information. I can't imagine a better group of people to help you and your DH sort out just how big of a problem this is likely to be at this stage -- Is it something you will be likely able to handle on your own with guidance and discipline? Or is rehab called for? (I can't see rehab actually working until your SD believes she has a problem that is beyond her own ability to control.) And what type of interventions and control strategies to they advocate? It's good your DH took the car plates away, but at some point, she'll probably get to drive again. When I was a teenager, my parents had a policy that turned out to be very effective at helping me learn to set my own limits. I had a curfew, and the house rule was that when I came in, I had to wake up Mom and spend a few minutes talking with her about where I had gone and what I had done (though they always knew where I was going in advance also.) That simple late-night conversation was enough to assure my mom that when I came in, it would be on time, and that I wouldn't be so drunk that I couldn't pass the 'coherent conversation' test. That didn't stop me entirely from underage drinking, but it did prevent me from underage OVER-drinking. It might be something to consider if you conclude your SD's drinking may be controllable....See MoreI dread it when we have our 2 1/2 yr old stepson
Comments (6)I have to say that I am very sad to hear that your husband not only condones this behavior, but then badmouths you to a 2 1/2 year old! My ss was a little younger than this when I entered the picture and he ALWAYS got his way with daddy. But he was never one to hurt others, just throw temper tantrums. My husband fed into this behavior and gave ss whatever he wanted. I took it for a while and finally one day I just looked at my huband and told him that my ss needed to be introduced to time-out. My ss would not stay in time-out at first, but eventually he caught on. My husband still puts up with a lot more from ss than I do (now he is 5 and he will still tell his dad he doesn't want to put his own shoes on and then throw himself on the ground and cry). He tried that with me a few times and I picked him and his shoes up and carried him to the car and buckled him up shoeless. When we got wherever we were going everyone else got out of the car and my ss had no choice but to put his shoes on. (luckily he did not know that I would never leave him alone in a car!) Now my other skids and biokid all tell my husband how my ss listens to me perfectly and does not cry for me or throw temper tantrums! So, my husband has been giving more discipline and my ss is slowly improving for his dad. My suggestion, talk to your hubby about this behavior and how dangerous it can be once your new baby is here. Do you want a 2 1/2 year old who hurts everyone else hurting a newborn? Also tell him how much it hurts you when he calls you a witch for demanding respect from a child. Children need discipline, and at his age he will continue to see just how far he can go---which seems like it may be way too far! Good luck!...See Moredreamgarden
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