I try to not spoil my kids. It is often harder than you think. I really work on not giving them everything they want. For example, I will take something big from their Christmas list and make sure they DON'T get it. I like for them to experience not getting everything they want because I know when they enter the real world it will be a lot easier for them to take NOT getting that job they want, NOT getting the girl they desire, etc. Understanding and learning how to deal with disappointments I think will help them with many family type situation problems too.

I think so many parents think giving into their child's every desire (and running out to stand in line to get that Wii) makes the kid happy and proves they love them... when in the long run I think they are often doing them a big disservice.

Let the kids learn to live without some 'things'. It can teach so many things to them on so many different levels. It can teach them that material items don't have as much value as they may think (that they often go out of fashion rather quickly); It can teach that happiness can be found more readily in people than things, that things cost money and must be earned and that money shouldn't be wasted, that we can't or don't always get what we want, that there's always someone that has less than we do, and that if people only like you for the stuff you have maybe they aren't worth having as friends anyway, etc...

Spoiling kids can just create so many problems and I think is a main problem with kids nowadays. I just think it's so hard for parents to not see the long term and instead choose the instant gratification route for their kids. It's often a lot easier too.

I love the idea of having a plan in place to teach a concept. I like the idea of teaching how a budget works, not only through life's experiences but actually sitting the crew down, using charts and power point - lol - but seriously, we do that kind of stuff (minus the power point). Not as much as I'd like though -

For example - we're teaching the kids how to pitch in and get work done, but as I went to bed last night and saw the sweet attempts to clean the bathroom, i thought, I need to gather the children together and actually "teach" them how to clean the bathroom, not just tell them to go do it.

For the first time in our lives we are reading scriptures together each night as a family, to formally teach our values as a religion and as individual values - it's going really well.

It is pretty darned easy just to move through life as a parent, especially when the kids finally get self sufficient - too easy to run them all here and there and to forget the value of formal and structural teaching -

I have been intentionally parenting my children for years on the importance of family. It's something my dad did with me (although my mom didn't) and it's stuck with me. We value spending time together and taking care of each other. It's hard to imagine that not all families are that way already, but when you hear of parents abandoning their children or children neglecting or abandoning their sick or elderly parents, I'm shocked by that.

I've always taught my children that family is more important than materialistic things. When I was a single parent, money was usually tight and it probably helped that we couldn't go buy the material things that they wanted and they had to earn all the things that many kids are just given. So, hopefully they also learned to appreciate what they have and work hard for what they want.

I spose I have been doing this myself, intentionally parenting.

Every single thing I did with my children, I remember thinking, "what is the value of this". Just simple things like going for a walk, going on a train trip, going and planting some tomato plants. In every instance I thought of the "value" in the activity. Asking myself "what does this teach my children". And you know, everything you do with them is this kind of lesson.

My daughter has flow the coop, and I did have thoughts about "have I taught her everything she needs to know?".

Well I don't think I have, but there is still time to do these things, even though she isn't at home anymore.

One thing that I have been thinking about lately is the ideal of persistence. The fact that one should not give up on things, when things get tough.

My son is 15, and I have noticed that he is drawing away from me, and does not want to engage with me. So it is a real challenge to so some intentional parenting with him, at this point in time !

Nice topic, Bnicebkind, thanks very much for bringing it up.

Popi

One of my guides to keep my intentions in mind is to ask myself "If I let him/her do this now, what will he/she do at age 16?" And now as DS#1 gets closer to 16, "What will he do when he's 22?" I know that the boundaries I set at a young age will be the foundation for what the boundaries are when they are older kids and when they are indepedent adults. I agree with the life lessons already discussed, to be sure.

I also want my kids to appreciate and enjoy each other. From the time DS#1 was born I imagined his future sibling(s) and how they would interact. So I've always tried to set them up to help each other. Not just play together, but rely on each other. I give them chores to do together, things that require cooperation. I take the others shopping for one's birthday present, so they have to think together about what makes the other one happy. Just today, I left DS age 14 home with DS age 5 for an hour with instructions that he is to help his little brother with homework. So it made my heart smile when I got home and asked how it went, and the 5 y/o said "He's a good teacher! He taught me to make my Rs better. He should be a kindergarten teacher!" It was very cute. So the big one feels like a hero! LOL. And the little one knows he can count on his brother.

I don't make them go to each other's games/events *every* time. That would be my ideal, but turns out that's not realistic with our schedule. (Sometimes activities overlap, and DS#1's hockey games are sometimes past the younger ones' bedtime.) But I make them go to big games and special events to cheer each other on. It feels like it's working according to plan when I hear the boys say of their sister's gymnastics, "Wow. I didn't know she could do that! That's cool!" Or to hear the cheering team in the stands of DS#1's hockey game cheering for their brother by name. It makes my heart smile so big I get weepy!

I wish I was doing more to teach them where they come from, give them connection to their extended family and the family stories. We've moved away from where we grew up and become isolated by distance from that family. Outside our house, our kids have no family within 400 miles. So they miss the weddings, holidays, and every day interaction. I grew up within an hour (for a few years in the same town) from most of my cousins, my grandparents, aunts, etc. We spent a lot of time with them, it's all a big part of my childhood and my past and present identity. Know what I mean? I am disappointed that my kids are not experiencing that. Couple years ago we took a "family retreat." Rented a great big ole lodge in the mountains of east Tennessee, my mom's family all came from where they are, aunts, uncle, cousins, cousins kids. Stayed there Sat. to Mon. Dirt roads up the mountain, far from any other entertainment, just us, we couldn't even get a cell phone signal. It was all about connecting. There was a TV, but no signal, so we were watching home movies on old VHS! We played games, hiked, everyone brought photo albums. It was just the greatest time. Last June we timed a visit to my family just right and my kids were able to go to the hospital to see their newborn cousin when he was less than 24 hours old. It made such an impression on them and they talk about it all the time. If I parented up to my heart's intention, I would give them more of those kinds of experiences. But I really don't want to move back, I am happy with my life the way it is. I suspect that if I moved back for some idealized family life, it wouldn't end up being the reality. So I hope it's good enough that the extended family memories my kids will have are going to be fun ones. I would really like to get my kids to Illinois this year to see their great grandmother, DH's paternal grandmother. They see my grandparents in FL a couple times a year and they have yearly reunions with my extended family in OH. But the two younger kids have never seen the GGM in IL, and the older don't remember seeing her. They need to go to IL and see DH's extended family and where their "roots" are there.

OK. That got long. The jist of it is I want them to have a sense of family, both immediate and extended. I think it makes all the difference in how they define themselves as they grow up, a sense of connection and roots.

Plans are good. If teaching works better with curriculum and plans, it makes sense that parenting would, too. But I think the best kind of intentional parenting is intentionally setting a good example. Living our lives the way we want our children to live their lives.

Great posts, everyone! Keep them coming with your great ideas on what you are teaching, and passing on to your children! I think we are all learning from each other.

I don't find this a new concept in parenting. Someone just gave it a name. We have been teaching our children how to be self reliant since they could understand the concept. They knew how to do laundry, make easy meals, save and spend their money, etc. before they were 12. My husband and I teach by example. Volunteering in the community, giving to those that have less, having fun as a family, knowing right from wrong, etc. are all things children should be learning in the first place from their parents. NancyLouise

I think my allowance plan fits into this category. I'm not great at budgeting, so I'm trying to get my kids started early so they'll be better than I was as a young adult. My kids (ages 5 - 12) all get a weekly allowance, so they all have some financial responsibility. We buy them toys for Christmas and their birthdays, but they have to buy any other toy they want during the year. We still buy most things for our 5 year old (but she does give her own offering at church and pays for her own snacks at baseball games). Our 12 year old gets a larger allowance and makes money baby-sitting, so she pays for all her entertainment (movies with friends, gifts for birthday parties she attends, etc) and any extra clothes beyond what we feel is necessary. Eventually I'll increase her allowance so that she can pay for all her own clothes and school lunch.

They still live rent-free, and I'm not asking them to buy groceries, but it's a start! And it's nice that when they ask for unnecessary stuff, I don't have to tell them no. I can just say, save up your money and we'll come back to get it when you have enough. I have been surprised at their ability to save for months for things they want, but disappointed at their inability to safeguard their cash - I think they have all lost/misplaced their entire stash at some point.

nancylouise, Perhaps, but for so many parents raising children today, it's all falling through the cracks. With so many single parent homes, and dual income homes with exhausted parents, and all of the demands on parents today, not to mention homework demands, extra-curricular sports/music etc., so many find themselves simply reacting to the next thing, like laundry up to your knees, cleaning the house/kitchen yet again, grocery shopping, school projects, bills, home/car repairs, picking kids up at 6:00 from aftercare, the intentional act of parenting to teach/pass on important things can slip by with good intentions to do it on another day. The problem is, we procrastinate, and forget how much it actually matters, and how fast their childhood slips by. Or miss the opportunity when the kids are actually receptive to hearing what we want to teach them. For many, we mean to do it, but we don't because we are running here and there too much, and simply responding to the next thing.

And so with the new year, I think it is a great time to consider the concept of "intentional parenting" and when our kids move on, what is it that you wished you had taught them?

What do you feel is vital, that is important enough, to slow down enough to make sure you have taught and passed on to your children?

And, for those of you that have raised your children, was there anything important that you wished you had done? I asked a good friend this, and he said that he and his wife never required any chores of their child, (who was doted on) This child is now an adult, and refuses to work, or go to school. He said if they had to do it over, they would have required their child to carry the normal responsibilities of being a member of the family. That there are no free rides. Their child (now adult) feels entitled to being fully supported by parents, and other relatives, and feels no appreciation to those who provide it. Feels absolutely entitled to it, without apology.

If children are so over scheduled with sports and after school activities then stop it. Just do a few things. They should not interrupt the family life as a whole. My house does not need to be spotless all the time, it rarely is. My kids and husband are more important then the laundry or washing dishes. If they need to talk or help with their homework those minor chores can wait, what my childrens' wants or needs are are more important. We make them feel like the priority they should be.
When we decided to have children we made them the priority. We didn't read any books or listen to tapes. We wanted to raise them better then both my husband and I were raised. It is mostly just plain old common sense and remembering how things felt when we were their age. We are their parents first and their friend second.
We have 2 teen aged daughters. They have given us very,very little trouble. We are extremely proud of the young people they are turning out to be.
And the same goes for my older single parent sister. She raised a son without any financial help from the father. He was/is still in my nephews' life and will always be, but she did not accept any money from him. She put herself through college, got a great job and bought a home to raise her son in. My mom helped her by watching him when he was young and then he went into daycare. My nephew is now a sohpmore in college on a scholarship. He is another great kid who we can look at in pride. My sister also did a great job without any books, tapes, or the latest child rearing idea to come down the pike. It can be done in this day and age. My sister is living proof and I am in awe of her and all that she has accomplished with her life.
So by all means if people need to be told what to do when it comes to raising their children and it helps them, so be it.
I'll stick to the way that has worked for us. NancyLouise

what's with the attitude, nancy?

No attitude amy, just how my husband and I do it. I speak plainly and matter of factly, blunt some my say. But no attitude. NancyLouise

Okay, translation is often lost in type, I understand.

But it's no crime to read books to learn more about how to help family members who struggle. The plain speak does comes across as condescending to those who struggle for whatever reason with their children - you might consider how your bluntness affects others.

Congratulations, though, on having so few parenting struggles - sounds as if you invested good things for your childrens' benefit. And good for you for making your children your priority - they will always feel valued, because of it.

I think it's safe to assume that all of us posting here teach our children what parents are supposed to teach their children, and that we're also proud of our children. I base that on the past couple years of posts in which we share our ideas and attitudes about parenting. I think I speak for all of us when I say we KNOW this is not a brand new concept in parenting.

I limit activities for my kids to 1 each, but I have 4 kids, so the schedule gets full quickly. My house is also not my first priority, trust me! But like bnicebkind says, there is a lot to do in any given day. Stuff still needs to be done, the phone rings, the cat pukes, the dryer stops working. It's good to take a breath and focus on what is important. Talking about it here helps us do that.

I don't depend books or lessons to raise my kids. I am very lucky to be able to say I got my parenting lessons from my parents. So I'm not here seeking an instructional manual. The fact that we bring up topics like this and write about our thoughts doesn't mean we're clueless. It's just good to share and discuss, for Pete's sake. This discussion should be taken as an indication that we're thinking about and doing what is right for our kids, not that we think it's an impossible task and aren't up to the challenge.

Nancy, I am glad that you have made raising your children a high priority, and that they are children to be proud of. I agree that parenting is mostly just common sense. But please try not to be too critical of those of us who "need to be told what to do". Sometimes parents need help because they were not raised sensibly themselves, and some have kids who are just very difficult to raise.

I have a kind, well-behaved child who excels in school and sports. Common sense is all that is needed to guide her in the right direction, and in her early years I admit to feeling rather smug when I saw other parents struggling with their screaming toddlers. But now that I have a more difficult child, I try not to judge parents with misbehaving children too much - some kids are a constant challenge, and what works for most kids does not work for all kids. As a parent, you have great influence over how your child turns out, but genetics plays its role as well. Some kids make you look good, others not so much.

Those of us who struggle come here for help (and I admit to being a parenting book-reader!), so please cut us some slack! Whether or not intentional parenting is a "new" idea, I do find it helpful to hear what other parents do, and always hope for good ideas to use with my own children.

I also read these posts to see if there are any new ideas, but so far, in our family, common sense and remembering how we felt growing up has been the constant in our child rearing. Because I am in the minority when it comes to opinions on any subject doesn't mean I won't post an answer or opinion. Been here on the GW for over 10 years and anyone that knows me can attest to that fact. As I have stated previously if it helps to be told, more power to you, that's just not the way we did it. Offering ideas on how it worked for us is a valid opinion also. NancyLouise

P.S. Amyfiddler I forgot to say glad to hear your Lake property situation is working itself out. Always a bummer when friends disappoint. NancyLouise

stephanie in ga freeze tag, Amyfiddler: Thank you for your support and ability to see value in this post, its intended purpose, and the idea's others have shared, to remind us of the big picture that can get lost in the day to day stuff.

nancylouise, Your responses have utterly spoiled what could have been a worthwhile thread. One that could have provided inspiration, fresh idea's, thoughts on what others do and why, that we ourselves may have adopted into our own families. I found their posts so worthwhile, and worthy of consideration. Their words inspired and triggered my imagination. I would have throughly enjoyed reading the many wonderful, and positive things others are doing with their children, that may have inspired me to consider worthy as well. Or if not me, perhaps it would have inspired other readers who have lost their vision, who may be bogged down with hard problems in life, and they may have needed that inspiration to get back on track, in their families.

Well I say we don't end this on a spoiled note-

How about another idea? One friend I know has an apron for every child with their name on it - occasionally she has everyone help make dinner. All in the kitchen, talking, preparing - The idea inspired me to call in my two kids to shell the shrimp tonight.

Also unrelated, but it might help - I used to holler a lot, for the kids' attention, or just to holler - I became so tired of hearing other moms yell in public that I decided to make a change also - I switched to a whistle to get their attention. Worked like a charm. Now, no matter where we are, they know my whistle and come - a - running. Intentional whistle parenting. LOL.

I don't see how nancylouise spoiled this thread... I thought some of her ideas were the most insightful on here.

I have to admit when I read the orginal post I almost found it laughable how someone tried to coin the term: Intentional Parenting. I think most parents have always parented like that; It is nothing new.

And, I have to say I read tons of baby and kids books with my first child only to realize they were pretty much all the same-- just money makers for the authors-- and that really just using your own common sense works a lot better. Because kids and families are so individualized, the books' specific suggestions never seemed to help anyway. With my second child, I don't think I even opened a parenting type book. I just did what I thought was right. I would have liked someone to tell me just to use my common sense with the first kid; that books were a waste of time. In fact, some of the tactics I used from books, I think may have done more harm then good. I do think my mother did try to tell me just to use my common sense, but I was too bombarded with friends telling me all the answers were in certain books, etc, that I wouldn't believe her. Now I do.

Amy, are you a fan of The Sound of Music?

I think it is important to help children be as self-sufficient as possible. If they are raised to be capable people, they will do better from their first day on their own, whether it is in college or elsewhere.

I once took a parenting class and was told an 8 year old should be doing himself about half of the things he needs to have done, and an 18 year old should be doing everything for himself.

Freeze-
Absolutely hate that show. I'd rather gnaw on my own toenails than sit through a musical -

I do love fiddler on the roof though - the only exception.

Why, does mary whistle? Or am I just too practically perfect in every way.... :)

LOL Mary has her own show... Mary Poppins.

Sounds of Music has Maria who comes to care for the captains children. The captain whistles for his children, very military.

But I'm sure Julie Andrews would be happy you're familiar with her work, even if you don't know which is which. ;o)

I'm just teasing you, Amyfiddler. I don't seriously care if you know which is which. You just made me giggle. Go back to biting your toenails now. LOL.

bwahaha!!! I'm such a buffoon. !!!!

Julie does both? Wow. What a woman!!!

What time does Real Housewives of Orange County come on? Now THAT's some good entertainment....lol.

There is a scene in The Sound of Music where the father shows the new nanny (Julie Andrews) how to call the children. There is a different whistle pattern (sort of like morse code) for each of the 7 kids, so they will know who's being called.

Sorry to bring you pain - my dh hates musicals, too. If we watch one, there is always a loud sigh from him whenever the actors break into song. I think the songs from musicals are just generally too perky for him - not his style at all :)

Now when my daughter is in college, far away from home what i do regret is not spending more time with her. i raised her well but now I wish I spent more time just being with her. Being a single parent I worked two jobs and put myself through school and now I wish I was with her more. I think I did my best but now I am not sure my best was good enough. My advice to those who still have children at home, just spend more time with them, time is precious, they grow so fast. I miss her every day, phone calls and few weeks of school breaks here and there are so not enough...