My step child dosent like me. What to do?

16 years ago

I have a step daughter who is 5 she does not like me and has not since she was 3. She comes over every weekend cause she lives with her mother. we tried many things nothing seems to be working. She glares at me, says she dont like me cause i am married to her father, dont want to listen to me,and never wants to even be in the same room as me.some times even throws a fit when we go to pick her up.,etc. her behavior causes great strain on my husbands and my relashionship. Its getting to the point where I dont want her to even come around any more. And Im worried her behavior will rub off on my 6 month old child. What should we Do ???

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Comments (11)

amyfiddler
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Whatever you do, do not try to parent the child - leave that up to dad. She is hurt and angry, because her family is unrecognizable from the nuclear family she was born into - that is scary, threatening, and confusing to a young child. Allow dad and daughter time alone, and understand that trust sometimes takes years to build -

YOu might consider family counseling - look for a trained Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in blended families. Good luck.
imamommy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm curious, what have you tried?

Two years seems a long enough time for her to warm up to you. What is the relationship between the adults? Do her parent's get along? Do you get along with her mom? Does her mom dislike you for any reason? Is she upset that you have a new baby? There are so many reasons she may feel the way she does. It's hard to even guess. At such a young age, it shouldn't take too much effort to get along with her. Most kids like to play games and have fun.

I have had similar problems with my stepdaughter. She's now 8. She's never come right out and told me that her mom doesn't like me but I know because of the way her mom talks about me to DH. I had to sit down SD several times and let her know, 'I'm sorry if your mommy doesn't like me. I'd like for all of us to get along, but most important, I want you to enjoy coming to our house. I want for me and you to get along too, because I like you and I look forward to seeing you'. or something along those lines. I let her know that even if the grown ups, sometimes don't get along, that all the grown ups, including me, care very much about her and enjoy spending time with her. (she now lives here full time and there is still times when she's cold toward me, usually when she comes back from a weekend with her mom)

She usually softens up a lot when I tell her that. It all depends on why she feels that way though. If she feels that you have done something to her, find out what it is. Even if it's not true, if it's how she feels, it's true in her mind. It might also help to promote that she spend some time alone (special time) with her dad. First, she has to share daddy with you. Now she's sharing daddy with the new baby you brought into the family. It's perfectly normal, even in intact families, for older children to get jealous of a new baby. They need to know they are still loved and kids need to hear it.... often.
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Hi everyone, Now you get to hear it from the Boyfriends perspective. (Madisons Boyfriend/future Husband) I'm 34 and have been divorced for 7 years now. I took custody of my son because of abuse on his mothers behalf 3 years ago. Much of what you all have said in the way of advice is horrible. Considering the very limited information you had to work with. She was asking for advice (Tips for the POSITIVE) to make things WORK and how to amicably solve problems that all Stepfamilies go through. What you have given her is basically No hope at all. I have to wonder if some of you were at the painfull end of a stepfamily relationship and therefore give advice based on your own or close friends experiences. Or maybe too much Dr. Laura radio time. First of all, I am not a typical guy. I've spent the last 7 years celibate and waiting for something more than just a ride to come along. Not a date, not nothing. You know why? Because it was important for me to finalize what had happened to me before. I know what I want and I am willing enough to compromise on ANYTHING to realize what most people don't and will never have. A loving, lasting relationship. Will all the bumps and pitfalls that come with that. I am more than mature enough to handle critcism and see my faults and my errors when they are pointed out to me. Even IF those issues are not really problems at all but a difference of lifestyle. You cannot treat or give someone grief over what used to be normal and acceptable before. You can only work on the rules of play. Which means that if something My son and I did before in fun bothers Madison, then we will work it out and make sure we respect her space. Vivian31, I can assure you, Its not only HIGHLY possible but a certainty that my disciplinary skills will change accordingly. You would have to understand our situation more than you do to say a comment like "it would seem HIGHLY unlikely". That comment only serves to scare Madison rather than give her what she is looking for, which is advice on how to approche me about these issues in hopes of finding solutions that will lead to success rather than failure. I have admitted to her that I have not been on the ball latly with my son when it comes to rules and regulations. Thats because I've NEVER had to until recently. My Son was always mindfull and kind and never gave me a hard time about doing what was asked. I really believe the issues that WE are facing with him are issues that are due to jealousy, hurt feelings and the Gigantic issue of CHANGE. His behaiviour recently is directly proportional to his age, the girlfriend he has and everything else a 14 year old goes through. Yes, I will have to get on him a alot more than i used to have too, but thats life. If the only thing I'm worrying about at this time is getting him to sit at the table and stay, clean his room, be courteous and watch his manners, I feel things are gonna be ok. For you to say this will bring dis-harmony is a bit of a no-brainer. Show me one stepfamily that hasn't had to deal with some dis-harmony and I'll send you a unicorn. The issue is not to prevent dis-harmony. Its to deal with it when it certainly will come. bnicebkind, This issue of a 14 year old hanging out with a 9 year old is no more an issue than if you were to say "Why is your 14 year old brother hanging out with his 9 year old brother". Thats how long and how close these 2 fellas are. I have to go cause my Baby calls, but I'd be happy to discuss this further with you and Madison on here. If only to help those in the same boat see how it CAN work with patience and understanding. See ya soon......
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to answer: Son and daughter relationship is the best one she has here. They have a nice thing together, he is very giving of his time, He is patient and kind with his discipline, and doesnt treat her like a baby. When her mom is not around she loves to be with him, they always have a science project in the works. When mom is here, she sort of tattles on any thing she can, to make him look bad. He knows its just jealousy, and doesnt give it much attention most of the time. He patiently tries to get her to see how it isnt a cool thing to do. So yes, it looks like there are issues with son, but I don't think that is the problem at all. I am going to sound crazy, but I think every thing she does is in an effort to control her mom. She needs more attention from her, son has tried to make mom accept it, I have stayed out of that. And to be honest, she is so damn difficult, it is tough to judge the mom too much. When nother does give her time, much of it is spent arguing and whining and throwing fits to get things or go places. If she learns she gets to go to a fair or shopping the next day, she spends every minute trying to get everyone to give her money or something new to wear, and getting to go to every other fun place she can come up with, when the day comes for the fair, theres no way the outing measures up to all she tried to manipulate, and every one has a crappy time. They have come home with her crying over a not getting her way every single time, I swear this. It's just an awful ritual. And, tho I see areas where mom could do things different, as a potential mother in law, I strongly feel it is not my place to point them out. That whole thing is so fragile between women. She is in trouble with school for not completing homework, and at home for lying about doing it much of the school year. I have never seen any sign of friends. When she moved in here, I offered to let her invite someone over, picking them up, what ever it took, and told the mom the same, eventually they both said all her friends were away for the summer. My gut doesn't think so. The times I have seen her with a neighbor I was hoping would become a friend, she is controlling and gets mad enough to scream at her. She took this twice and we have not been able to get her here again. There are issues that explain her behavior, I am not sure of all of them, but the ones I feel are of concern, are things kids have always had to deal with. She needs more time with mom. My son has told the mom this lots of times. She makes at attempt for a while and it slips thru the cracks, a common thing in parenting. As for me talling her this, I strongly feel that the relationship between Mother and wife or gf is so fragile that I am not the one to give her alot of correction on her parenting. And I strongly believe, what ever the excuses are as to why this girl behaves this way, when she is in the real world, no one is going to give a rip as to why she is selfish, or steals, or critical and jealous. And when they refuse to be her friend she may not ever understand why. So, and please correct me here if I am wrong, but I hope that the belief the behavior is unaccceptable, and it doesn't matter why, is a workable theory. She has been given many chances to stop it all before the consiquences became unpleasant, she knows that, she never let up, it was always full steam ahead. I think she absolutely cannot stand to be given a rule even if its about a computer that doesnt belong to her, and she disobeys for the power of seeing if she can make you back down. She wants to control everything. Thats my gut feeling lol And I don't have a clue how to change it in her. Hope this answered things guys, I thank you, It's so nice to hear others ideas. And please know, I gotta being doing something wrong here, so telling me so or pointing out my own bad attitude or what ever you may see, will be taken as an effort to be helpful, I just want to fix this, if I have to see my own faults to do it, hey, no surprise lol thanks laurily Her life is she was raised by a very young single mother, who put herself thru dental assisting school and has managed to give them both a pretty descent life. She had a long term thing a year before my son met her. The girl has never mentioned this man or if she cared about him. My belief is that his absence gave her more time alone with her mom so she was great with it. The mom suffers guilt over working, and it's not warranted, her hours are no worse than any one else's, but going to daycare after school for an hour was a constant complaint, and she would tell every one she could how awful it was that her mom made her go. I belie
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All of the posts on this thread made my head ache. I am a step mom. But before I was a step mom, I raised three children (as a single parent for many years) and I was in my ex's three children's life for seven years. (we never married but their mom saw them, maybe once a year) So, I can see both sides as a step mom AND bio mom. My son also had a step mom and I have a step mom as well. First, I would say that if dad doesn't spend much time with his first child when you were just dating, then it should have been a clue before you married him and then had another child with him. He does not sound like an interested parent at all, regardless of how involved he says he was the first time. His actions in your presence when he was BF speak volumes about his desire to parent. Second, you have a choice to build a relationship with his daughter or not. There's no need to resent HER. She didn't choose to be born, she didn't choose to have a disinterested father, she has NO choice in her living situation. I would also disagree that you should resent your DH because you KNEW he didn't spend time with her, yet you still married him. YOUR BAD!! Not his. Third, if she has a problem with you, it is most likely due to her dad (which I'm sure she wishes he paid more attention to her) paying more attention to YOU and now the new baby. It's normal in an intact family when a new baby comes along that the older child might feel jealous. Befriending her and letting her "help" with the baby might make her feel a part of the family. If she is following you, she sounds interested. One thing that I have not seen addressed here (and I'm fairly new to this forum) is feelings toward the child based on the other parent. My SD looks & acts like her mom, which kinda makes it a little harder to get along sometimes. That is something you have to acknowledge if it's a problem and then work on separating it mentally. I do realize it shouldn't have anything to do with it and I do remind myself all the time that she's not a mini version of her mom. She acts like her mom because children model after their parents. And I guess if you dislike the other parent and that child reminds you (or your spouse) of the other parent, it can cause problems. And lastly, we all think our new babies are "perfect" and in a way, they are. That is, until we screw them up with our baggage and issues. If your child grows up with a mom that can resent a five year old for existing, then that WILL affect him. That is his sister whether you like it or not. He will resent you if you damage that relationship. Your husband may or may not care about his relationship with his daughter but if he does care and you are the reason she gets out of his life, HE may resent you too.
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I agree. I been looking hard for place closer to work then available at this time. As soon as I can get out of here the better. I can very easily head back to Washington State but I took on a good job here as a Strictures Technician on Boeing Aircraft for an MRO (Maintenance Repair & Overhaul) and will be making good money in the next year. Hopefully I can find a place soon enough. Shame of it is this kid has spent on many occasions time with his dad and things around here could not be better between us. We go places, laugh all the time and are pretty lined up with each other. Its what I signed on for until the evolution of her son started going down hill however, he has always been a bit of a manageable problem at times but now he stresses her out so bad shes off the rails at times. Anyway I agree with your advice which is the same advice given to me by my sisters and close friends but most importantly myself. Most recently he threatened to call the Sheriff telling them I threated to shoot him but they know of him because we have had the Sherriff here many times and we were told to file an unruly child report with the county clerk. We went there and they told us they needed to see her divorce papers and also the father would have to be on board. Well John didnt want to do it so that was that. If we were able and he acted out tge Sherriff would take the necessary actions if I had to call. The real problem I have right now and is a major part of why I need to get out of dodge asap is because of my other half and my different shifts, shes on 1st shift and Im on 2nd it leaves me home alone with the kid most if the day and he starts in, last week he got violent once again and got right in my face wanting to fight with nobody here, so I told him Im not getting into it with nobody here so Ill call the Sheriff. Well thats when he started yelling "good ill call and tell them how you just threatened to shoot me etc. Meanwhile that was his exact threat to me when he got in my face saying him and his friends will shoot me. I can wipe the streets with this kid, hes a spoiled brat who lies, steels, drugs etc and I don't want to be here alone because if some false report gets written i can and will lose my job and maybe even freedom. That day he called his mom lying as always and crying to her and she believes him. While this was going on I had his dad in the phone so he heard everything and knows how bad this kid is and so does she, then she posts on facebook " nobody threatens my kids etc" Right then I saisaid its time to move out of here fast. When ththis was happening it all stemmed from the night before when he was on drugs yelling at her and he never went toto sleep tge whole night. Anyway she wasn't answering my call when this was going on only to find out becausebecause he was on the phone with her crying about me. Then she posts thathat on facebook. So it proved that if shes not here Im getting the blame and if he did call the Sheriff she would side with him. Time to go. Two weeks ago he broke into my closet and took my riffle and started firing it off the back deck into the woods where there are houses on the other side. My nieghbor told me about that, he asked me if he was allowed and I said he is forbidden to even touch those riffles. He said yeah we didnt even know where the shots were coming from and even the road workers were ducking for cover. This a 13 year old kid whose mom grants him adult privileges, big mistake and if I get on him she takes his side. I told her about the riffle incident about a week later because I dont tell her anymore because it always gets turned around on me so I just removed all the riffles from the home. Turns she knew about it and never said anything to me. I told her you do relize if he struck anybody on the other side of those woods or anywhere, you go to prison for murder and possibly even John. In not legally responsible for this kid. Anyway this is getting to long winded, its so much longer of a story and all I can say is I dont even like coming home from work and once it gets that bad its time to leave. With all I have explained, its obvious its just not safe for me to be here any longer. God knows I put up with alot but God cant physically bear witness for me so its time to move on. Like you said she is not on my side and in the long run its only going to hurt the kid and maybe even her as time goes on and he contunes to get worse. Hes even pulled stolen credit cards fraud when he was 11 and 12 till we found out. But, never really got in any trouble. His parents are smart people to. Moms a nurse snd dads an engineer so we are not talking about uneducated people. I suggested bording or military school. I been pushing this kid to go into the Coast Guard. Two weeks ago I got special clearance at work and brought him up into the cockpits of the Boeing 767s I work on and a tour threw all the hangers and other airplanes in attempt to try and plant some seeds. Last month I aranged for him to come to NY to my Moms funeral where I have to admit he was on great behavior alone and miles away from Ohio. We stayed with very close friends of mine and he had a great time outside of my moms funeral proceedings. It was night and day. But I also had a man to man talk with him about it and he saisaid dont worry I know how to act, I laughed with him and said thats what Im worried about. Anyway once there I tried like always to show him some responsibility and arranged for him to be next to me and carry my moms coffin. He did wonderfull in NY with me and my family, I had mamany of them write to me telling me how nice he is and handsome etc. Why that all kinda changes at home is beyound me. I think he knows Mom is not around and Joe has support from his family if I get out of hand. His biggest problem is his mom doesnt engage in team work with me to reprimand him when hes out of line, instead she looks for every which way to turn t around and blame me mainly because im here or his teachers before he was kicked out of school or his dad. This is the key factor of why this kid is the way he is.
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sugarland-girl
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
That is a sticky situation you have here!! I also have a step child, 9yrs old, but luckely we couldn't have a better relationship even if he was my very own. He was 2yrs old when his father and I met, so he doesn't remember a day without me in it, thankfully!

In my opinion it sounds like there are issues with your SD's mother. She must not like you and most likely says bad things about you to her child. If that's the case your hubby really needs to step up and let your SD mother know that this is not acceptable and it is only hurting their daughter and that is not fair to her. Also, how does your hubby respond to his daughter treating you poorly? Not to sound harsh or anything, but he !!!!CANNOT!!!! allow his daoughter to treat you badly and disrespect you! He needs to let her know that he loves you and you're not going away and she is NOT allowed to treat you in that manner. She needs to know that he loves her sooo much and you are not going to replace her but her bahavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anymore. My SS will sometimes (very rare!!) argue or try to get away with more when he's with me, which is normal with it being your natural child or step, but his father nips that right in the butt before it becomes a habit. He lets him know that he loves me and he will not allow him to treat his wife bad or disrespect his wife for any reason!!

imamommy is right that it helps to let the child now that you love them and you want only the best for them. Even if there is a stain between the parents, it has nothing to do with her and doesn't change the fact that she is loved by her father and you. Are the two of you ever affectionate towards eachother? (you and SD) Do the two of you ever spend time together alone doing girly things? (painting her nails, curling her hair, putting on perfume and make-up) Get her a surprize for no reason? My SS and I have always spent alot of time together just the two of us and it has always been a thing that has always strengthend our bond. Maybe make a special dinner for her, her favorite foods, or take her to lunch to her favorite place. My SS and I always have a great time going out and buying his daddy a specail gift together. Or getting a new toy or game and playing with it together or as a familiy.

If she is having behavior issues, not listening to you, giving mean looks and refusing to be in the same room as you, there is obviously a lack of consistancy in disapline. You have to let children know what the rules of the house are, before you begin enforcing them though, and what the consciences are if they break the rules. And be consistant!! No matter what, even if it's their birthday!! Things should not be going on this long or be where they at today between the two of you. Your hubby needs to get a hold on this behavior before she gets any older and begins to apply her incompliance to everyone in her life. By that time the behavior is almost impossible to reverse or mend and now you have a wild teenage girl running around making everyones life miserable!!
imamommy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sugarland-girl, I agree and the only thing I might offer in addition, is a bit of caution in doing those 'girly' things if mom is saying bad things about her. Those activities are great for female bonding but in my situation, when I do those things or spend fun time with my step daughter, her mom gets very irate and has a fit. DH gets a phone call that I am not her mom and shouldn't be doing those things with her. (of course in our situation, BM is uncooperative with DH most of the time, except when she wants something)
sugarland-girl
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Isn't it amazing just how insecure a bio parent can become when someone else is in the picture?! Do they really believe that this new person is going to swoop in and toss them into the trash like last weeks newspaper? I understand their concerned about their child being treated poorly or neglected now that this new person is in the picture. But having a step parent, a good step parent, is an awsome thing! That child is loved and taken care of by twice as many people as the typical "nuculear" family. Not that there is anything wrong with a nuculear family, just to clear that up! But too many people seem to relate a step parent with a nitemare. A child with step families have double everything christmas gifts, b-day parties, cloths, bedrooms, game systems, toys ect. (the list could go on and on!!!) Parents/children need to give up the stigma and be thankful there are now more people on the team wanting only the best for them. They need to remember the love between a child and bio parent is truely unconditional! Unfortunately, the love between a child and step parent isn't!! One little slip up on the part of the step parent, that child may not trust them anymore, hate em and resent em for the rest of their lives just because we're not their mother! The bond between the steps require constant work to maintain and strengthen it. So it's unfortunate when the bio parent, who usually has the best interest of the child, discourages the child to liking/loving their step parent because of silly issues and insecurities within there self!! Sadly, sometimes it's the parents that need grow up!!!
imamommy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
sugarland, can I ask why you don't go to the stepfamily forum? It sure could use your outlook!!!
sugarland-girl
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
imamommy, In the past I have checked out the step forum, but it felt really negative. There didn't seem to be many people who liked their step children and they appeared to regret getting married all together. It's hard to relate to that because I'm in love with my hubby and his son. Maybe I should give it a second shot though!
imamommy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
There are a couple or few sour grapes over there that give us a hard time but the ones that hate their SK don't stay too long. Once they hear the rest of us say, 'then you shouldn't have married him', they leave. It's the bio moms that aren't remarried or have experience with step children that are the ones that bring some negativity to it and there's a few new people there too. I think it's a good mixture of society.
gincourt
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
She is probably learning most of this behavior from her mother. You need to be the good guy,Be sure to put her first, spoil her a little bit. Do some research and find out what her favorite things are. Show her a lot of attention. Make sure she knows that you are always on her side no matter what she does. You can always buy her affection to start off with, be the yes man in her life. Definetly include her in helping you with the new baby, she is probably jealous and afraid her Dad will love you and the baby more than her, HE needs to tell her over and over again that he loves her just as much if not more because she IS his first Daddy's little girl. Be patient, it may take years for her to come to terms with the new you and the new baby. And remember she is just a little bity girl too.
sjdd1984
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
i have two step children 13 and 8. the 8yr is my best friend and we get along great. 3 yrs ago thier mother abandoned them and told them she doesnt want to have anything to do with them. The oldest has never like me. He does things to purposly upsett me. He constenly steals food while everyone is sleeping or while i am out. he does things and acts out all the time. they have been living with me full time for over 3 years now and i am at the end of my rope. and on top of that his mother has trend to start talking to him and has told him that me and his father have kept her from seeing him and that we are stealing all her money(court ordered child support) and she misses him so much. In the last 3 years she hasnt tried to contact them once. And when she gave tem to us she called on my birthday and said i have a new apartment may 1st you com get your kids in 1 week or they go into a foster home. i was pregant at the time i had to have my baby 2 days later at 7 1/2 months because my blood pressure was 210/120. somebody please give me so advice so i can keep the hair i have left
sirens
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sjdd1884, I would protect the kids from their "mother," if at all possible. Her lying to them about you and your husband is emotionally abusive, and should be stopped.
Do whatever you can to prevent her from being able to lie to the kids....
I would just try to remember, as best you can, that these kids have basically been abandoned by their own "mother."
I hope they are getting some kind of counselling.
Perhaps family therapy is an option, I hope. They're going to need it.
You must be a good woman. I hope everything works out for you and the kids.

My step child dosent like me. What to do?

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