YES...very interesting!

thanks it was very interesting for sure

John Bradshaw wrote a book called, The Family, copyright 1988 that deals with similar concepts about families and family roles. I don't know if there are newer, updated additions of the book. Chapter 4 starts out, "We have seen that the chief component in the family system is the mariage relationship. Mom's relationship with herserlf and Dad's relationship with himself and their relationship with each other is the foundation of the family. The husband and wife are the architects of the family. Dysfunctional families are created by dysfunctional marriages. Dysfunctional marriages are created by dysfunctional individuals who seek out and marry each other."

He goes on to discuss family roles in greater detail offering that families either have rigid or enmeshed boundaries or some variation of both. He also says, "The roles in dysfunctional family systems are different. They are not chosen or flexible. They are nesessitated by both covert and overt needs of the family as a system. They function to keep the family system in balance. If Dad is a workaholic and never home, one of the children will be Mom's Emotional Spouse since the system needs a marriage for balance."

He also offers this insight, "In every case the person playing the role gives up his own unique selfhood. In dysfunctional families, the individual exists to keep the system in balance. This is the fate of every individual in a dysfunctional family."

The playing of many of these roles is not healthy for a good many people. I'm convinced that in many situations people look to estrangement as a way to alleviate themselves of such a destructive dynamic and burden. My MIL was an alcoholic (her drinking was hidden) and her drinking problem wasn't brought to light until much later. Her behaviors (rage, jealousy, selfishness) were very alienating and brought about the estrangement. At one point she sought counseling for her rage/anger issues, but she told my husband that it was useless and didn't help. The comment he made to me about it was that one is supposed to take what they learn and apply it to their life. However in her case, since she didn't apply it to her life or was unwilling, of course any insights learned would have prove useless. In other words, she decided to ignore information that could possibly help her and made a choice to remain the same.

I would hope other families would take a more positive approach

Flowegardenmuse, did your husband sit in on the sessions with your mother's counselor so that he can say definitively that his mother chose to ignore the counselor's advice? Perhaps the counseling was, in fact, useless - there are a lot of just plain bad counselors out in the world. As a matter of fact, I would say that many counselors are more confused than the people they "counsel." People tend to choose the "helping" professions, psychology, social work, medicine, in order to address conflicts in their own lives - and unfortunately, so many of them bring those conflicts, still unresolved, into their profession.

I take with a huge grain of salt those who prolifically publish self-help materials or who appear on television a great deal, whether they be psychologists, financial advisers, exercise or diet "gurus" or whatever as I believe they are doing nothing but exploiting individuals who are lost and need some real guidance but instead shell out $25 for the book/program du'jour - and the next one after that and the next one after that, ad infinitum.

We all bring what we were brought up with to the table - not one of us is perfect. I personally know of only one marriage among my friends that I would consider to be an example of a good marriage. Dysfunctional is the norm; some people cope as best they can, some people deny, some people stay "for the kids", some people try to resolve their conflicts.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,
I am my mother, after all."

"Roles in the family are not chosen or flexible"-??? Boy, that sounds scary...also like an excuse to me.
I am nothing like my mother never have been and never will be.
We are a product of our environment, but thank goodness we also can count genes, and the best of all "FREE WILL"
We do have choices- we make them every day. That doesn't mean we are going to "please everyone." of course not, BUT we do choose how we live and the efforts we make everyday to become a better person. I have made conscious efforts not to be the person my mother is...and the day I look in the mirror and see her is the day I will know I have failed. I want to see the "good" in people, trust others and give without expecting anything in return. I want to love and be loved...
No, my life hasn't been without mistakes that's for sure, in fact I must have even made some I don't know about because my adult children are estranged from me....but I keep trying and seeking answers, and I think that's all we can do-
stray

Good day all

Very interesting to see all the comments and I would like to add mine. I was adopted at age 9 days-by alcoholic parents. Skip over the abusive chidhood-pregnant at age 17-married and had 4 children there-married again-had 1 child-married again-no children-married for the 4th time and had 1 child. all husbands were addicts-at age 59 i found my biological mother-she is in 80's and learned she had 9 children over 21 years and gave 4 of us away. the ones that stayed with her had abusive chidhoods-one child died of natural cause. Is it in the DNA-probably not-just bad choices as straycat says. now i am estranged from my oldest and suffering for the bad choices i made. I have made thousands of mistakes n my life and the majority did affect my children. through it all i managed to get a social worker diploma and as I say find my roots. Some good has come out and certainly my many grandchildren are a blessing as well. i never gave my children away and tried to keep them safe and well but not always as well as i would have hoped for. Hopefully god will forgive me.