http://ideastoaction.wordpress.com/dr-bowen/bowen-theory/emotional-cutoff/

He goes on to discuss family roles in greater detail offering that families either have rigid or enmeshed boundaries or some variation of both. He also says, "The roles in dysfunctional family systems are different. They are not chosen or flexible. They are nesessitated by both covert and overt needs of the family as a system. They function to keep the family system in balance. If Dad is a workaholic and never home, one of the children will be Mom's Emotional Spouse since the system needs a marriage for balance."

He also offers this insight, "In every case the person playing the role gives up his own unique selfhood. In dysfunctional families, the individual exists to keep the system in balance. This is the fate of every individual in a dysfunctional family."

The playing of many of these roles is not healthy for a good many people. I'm convinced that in many situations people look to estrangement as a way to alleviate themselves of such a destructive dynamic and burden. My MIL was an alcoholic (her drinking was hidden) and her drinking problem wasn't brought to light until much later. Her behaviors (rage, jealousy, selfishness) were very alienating and brought about the estrangement. At one point she sought counseling for her rage/anger issues, but she told my husband that it was useless and didn't help. The comment he made to me about it was that one is supposed to take what they learn and apply it to their life. However in her case, since she didn't apply it to her life or was unwilling, of course any insights learned would have prove useless. In other words, she decided to ignore information that could possibly help her and made a choice to remain the same.

I would hope other families would take a more positive approach

I take with a huge grain of salt those who prolifically publish self-help materials or who appear on television a great deal, whether they be psychologists, financial advisers, exercise or diet "gurus" or whatever as I believe they are doing nothing but exploiting individuals who are lost and need some real guidance but instead shell out $25 for the book/program du'jour - and the next one after that and the next one after that, ad infinitum.

We all bring what we were brought up with to the table - not one of us is perfect. I personally know of only one marriage among my friends that I would consider to be an example of a good marriage. Dysfunctional is the norm; some people cope as best they can, some people deny, some people stay "for the kids", some people try to resolve their conflicts.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,
I am my mother, after all."

Very interesting to see all the comments and I would like to add mine. I was adopted at age 9 days-by alcoholic parents. Skip over the abusive chidhood-pregnant at age 17-married and had 4 children there-married again-had 1 child-married again-no children-married for the 4th time and had 1 child. all husbands were addicts-at age 59 i found my biological mother-she is in 80's and learned she had 9 children over 21 years and gave 4 of us away. the ones that stayed with her had abusive chidhoods-one child died of natural cause. Is it in the DNA-probably not-just bad choices as straycat says. now i am estranged from my oldest and suffering for the bad choices i made. I have made thousands of mistakes n my life and the majority did affect my children. through it all i managed to get a social worker diploma and as I say find my roots. Some good has come out and certainly my many grandchildren are a blessing as well. i never gave my children away and tried to keep them safe and well but not always as well as i would have hoped for. Hopefully god will forgive me.