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I wish I was dead.

Posted by medusa_2009 (My Page) on
Sat, Jan 17, 09 at 12:26

I hate my life, I hate everything. I hate ME.

How in the F(C&K do you fix that???


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa, Get to your Dr or Emergency room NOW..Get some antidepressants for the time being...This sounds too serious to be ignored...Please, find your mother, sister , friend and tell them this...Get help NOW , you can deal with your sorrows after...PLEASE


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Does this have something to do with the challenges you're having with your son Medusa?
I totally agree with Dotz...You need to get help right this instant.
Whatever is going on right now wasn't always happening, and to be sure it CAN be fixed. It can. Hugs to you right now. Now, reach out to somebody who can physically help you get help.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

I truly have been where your are Medusa, and you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one minute at a time until you get thru. I promise there will be a day that you look around you and say thank God I am here to see this, hear this, experience this.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa,

Are you thinking of suicide? If so, do you have a plan?

Those are important questions. Answer them honestly, at least to yourself.

If the answer are "yes" get yourself to a hospital or call a local crisis line right away. Tell them you are thinking of suicide and have a plan. They will know how to help you where you are.

This can be fixed. These emotions will change and you will see the good in yourself and the world again.

Take care. People are thinking of you. You can take the steps to getting help.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

HEY give yourself a break,YOU are making yourself ill.you need to stop worrying about other people and concentrate on yrself,worrying will not get you anywhere,as something happened,dear you i feel 4 you ,xxx


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa, please tell us what happened yesterday. Talk it out to us. Get it all out and just vent away. We're here for you. Keep "talking" to us.

(This suggestion is only 2nd to getting in touch with someone in person - your best friend, clergy, trusted family member, doctor).

Suzieque


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa

I have said those very words.....Honey you need someone to help you. Life gets too over whelming sometimes. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Find a hand to hold until you can see it. Please talk it out. We are all here for you. No criticisms, unconditional love and support. Honest.

We are here waiting.....I'm praying for you, Kim


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Please remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! So do not consider that as an option EVER!!

There are times in everybodys lives where they think things are at their lowest. Those times pass and then you are able to look back at those bad times and realize that things got better.

Problems can always be fixed.....don't forget that!

My thoughts are with you.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

MEDUSA AS AN ARCHETYPE

"Medusa has historically been seen as the archetype of the nasty mother, however she is far more complex. She symbolizes the following:

Sovereign female wisdom. The female mysteries. All the forces of the primordial Great Goddess: The Cycles of Time as past, present and future. The Cycles of Nature as life, death and rebirth. She is universal Creativity and Destruction in eternal Transformation. She is the Guardian of the Thresholds and the Mediatrix between the Realms of heaven, earth and the underworld. She is Mistress of the Beasts. Latent and Active energy.

She rips away our mortal illusions. Forbidden yet liberating wisdom. The untamable forces of nature. As a young and beautiful woman she is fertility and life. As crone she consumes by devouring all on the earth plane. Through death we must return to the source, the abyss of transformation, the timeless realm."

Do you hope to be reborn Medusa? Are you Greek?


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RE: I wish I was dead.

We do know how you feel-but..believe me things do change-we change. We can grow and in growing we can find relief. I know, I know...being a mother and having my children love me was the most important thing in the world to me...and then they all left me-stone cold. I felt like a total failure...all that was important to me was and actually they are still gone, and I know deep in my heart it is forever...
BUT...I have found I do have gifts and those gifts can help other people! YOU have gifts too-we all do and finding them and giving of them has truly made a difference in my life.
I have always enjoyed working with people with disabilities, but now I am working where it is noticed- and appreciated, and I can't tell you the difference that has made in my life. I look forward to the next day. I enjoy my work-I have people who tell me they are happy to see me and I know they really, really are happy to see me. I really believe I have made a difference in their lives. AND I cna't tell you how that makes me feel. Money, power, all of it is nothing compared to the feeling in my heart.
As mothers that is how we have given...given our all and to think not one of my children loves or appreciates me was and still is devistating...but I looked and I looked and I fell down a lot. Not to long ago I felt so totally worthless that I didn't care about anything or anyone-certainly not myself. Now I know why-I know what I need-I need to be needed. So I kept looking and honestly had about given up on any knowledge, education, or expereince I had being useful...Then one day I spent the entire day applying for jobs. Then next thing I knew (in fact about two days later) I got a call for an interview and guess what?!?! They wanted me! They needed me! They VALUED me! That was almost three months ago and yes, I've worked my butt off-but I am told "Thank-you" and have been given a promotion and a raise. Everyday I have the pleasure of working with people who are TRUE-REAL-HONEST and they are happy to see me. PLEASE, take everyones advise and get to the doctor; I did, and I told it like it is...in fact I was diagnosed with "Severe Depression." I got a script for antidepressants and they helped but I even had to increase the doseage to get the relief I needed. This is a emotionally devestating time in our life and this makes us have inbalances that have to be corrected. It is not something we can "snap out of" as my mothers used to tell me all the time-it is a change due to a broken heart and we need help. I do and you do too. It's a sign of strength to seek help-listen we all need it. Especially after devoting our lives to children who grow up to be so totally different than we are in the "feeling department." But that does not mean we are not GOOD, Loving, needed women. Because we are, in fact they kind of love we have in our hearts is what the world needs-and just maybe that is why this has happened to so many of us. We would have kept all that love and kept giving and giving it to our children and the world would have not received this vast amount of love we have - but now...it's different and we have to seek out where we are to go and how and where and who to give this gift to. IN doing so-we grow -. Just like those sponges that are flat and when you pour water on them they grow and grow and we can't believe they would ever get so BIG-but they do. We are like that we really are so don't ever think you can't - you can and you will and you will grow as you give your love and your kindness and your wonderful heart to someone who is just waiting and praying to someday find YOU!
Please...see your doctor and believe me. We are care and are here for you !
stray


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RE: I wish I was dead.

And now Medusa, we know why some animals eat their young! Ungrateful little $h!t$! They do make you feel like you are feeling right now but you will get past it and like straycat says, you have much to give to those who WILL appreciate it.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa-i too felt like you do right now-angry and depressed and yes even wishing i was dead and did not have to feel anything anynore. It is forums like this and others that are so incredibley helpful and you MEDUSA have been very supportive during my time of pain. please-please-please-get some help fast and let us know how you are doing.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa: Google a poem titled: "Don't you Quit". Perhaps someone can provide a link. I think on this journey through life, that there are days when it just feels so hard. But hang in there. You never know what joy could be around the corner. A woman I know was once where you are with the same problems with her son. Her daughter married and moved so far away. But she hung in there. Her son became a father and grew up. His children became the joy of his life, and spent a lot of time with her. Her daughter also grew up, and talks to her mom everyday. They are now best friends.

Life just is a journey, and there will be joy again. I wish you great happiness. Find someone to help you get through these hard days, to buffer the heartache while waiting for the joy.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Is this the poem you were looking for bnicebkind?

Here is a link that might be useful: Don't quit


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RE: I wish I was dead.

That's it! Thank you for the link for Medusa.

Medusa...when you are feeling discouraged, pull up deborah ps link for "Don't quit". Within the words, may you find hope, that this journey through life has joy as well as sorrow. Hang in there.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Ladies, thank you all for your support. I tried to get away from the computer for a while, I tried to make myself do some physical things, work around the house and errands and stuff, because I felt like I was going crazy.

Friday was a horrible day.

I am so glad that my son is safe right now.

I don't know what is happening to me.

One would think that right now I would be calmer, but it is as if though in some ways I am more nervous than before....conscious that this sacrafice may not work....and could in fact backfire.

Everyday I read the papers, and where I live right now, in Mexico, the violence has gotten so bad that it is not uncommon to read in gorey details the way people are being tortured by kidnappers and drug traffickers, or how hacked up body parts apper all over. Last night 6 kids got chased in a car because they unknowingly tried to flirt with some girls in a bar (keep in mind we are talking from 18 to 20 year olds) and apparently they were some drug suppliers girls, and the one of the kids got shot to death, two picked up by them (no doubt their mutilated tortured bodies will be found sometime soon) and 3 managed to escape.

These are possibly friends of my son, and I am petrified that he may even have known the suppliers........my mind is constantly on overdrive, and everytime I pick up a paper and see how the men are ducttaped and so hurt, I get heart palpitations and think, thank God, this could be my son, either sooooo badly, beathen, tortured, mutilated and hurt, or worse yet...belonging to the people who do those things.

My mind can't stop realing........

I am so angry at myself for thinking and for not being to stop.

I am also angry because I feel let down by the people who I would have expected to be there for us along our life's course as a single mother.

My mother, father, sister, his biological father, my ex, teachers, and the so many people, who I over the course of 17 years begged to just give an extra pat on the back, an extra kind word, a chance for a sleep over...anything, but at least something to help compensate for the empty space that I knew he had inside of him.

And I rarely got it. And worse yet. I got a lot of criticism. A lot of blaming and a lot of 'yuo should have been smarter to sleep with a man before being married' (for Christ's sake I was 27 and gettig married that year), a lot of being called bad names, even by my own family. No baby shower, and a mother who didn't even offer to say after my c-section for a day or so to help out, because she said I made my bed, now I was going to have to 'rock my cradle.'

But worse yet, I finally let her have it. For most importantly talking bad about me to my son. I let her HAVE IT. I don't know how possible it is to have such mixed, crazy emotions to love somebody and yet to hate a part of them for the hurt they caused both to me and my son by making him think his mother was some hideous, hateful, terrible teenager who grew up into a complicated, conflictive adult. How dare she ever say something to him to consciously make him feel justified in being rude or disrespectful to me? How could she abuse so much my home, my finances (always needing me to bail her out of something or anther), my time, my space, my peace of mid, and then when being called out for it, tell my son - 'look at how your mother treats me'

As if it weren't bad enough that I am looking for scapegoats, to have such a real problem have happened like that that I just described only heightened my fury.......

I actually hit my mother, and I am not proud of myself. She put me down again, and I told her to shut up and she wouldn't, so I slapped her, and she still wouldn't shut up, all she kept saying was 'I'm not going to shut up' and all I kept saying was 'shut up' and it went on and on and on.

I started throwing dishes and glasses on the floor and she just would say - you're crazy - here throw this one too -and I did.....over and over again.........and I asked her......how come you threw me out when I was 14.......how come you beat the hell out of me and abandoned me? How come you told me to ask my f&u#ck(ing father if I needed anthing knowing I left the house barefoot and bloody in the middle of a blizzard? How come you lied and twisted things and say I ran away from home because you wouldn't buy me a blowdryer? HOW COME????????????????????????????

How come you rely on me for everything, YOU are the mother, not me!!!!!!!!!!

God, I could feel my heart beat goig up again, I'm sorry.

I hate me. I hate the anger, I hate having done something that is beyond understandable, I hate having burdoned myself with now having to go and apologize, I hate myself for distancing the little family I have, I hate myself for giving her the satisfaction of having something to put me down with.......I'm worried senseless thinking that my son will hate me..........

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaargggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


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RE: I wish I was dead.

We are all trying desperately to reach out to you Medusa-please seek some kind of physician or counsellor or someone you can trust in your life for whatever resources you may need. thanks for coming back as we are all worried about you. If you could check i every day it would be really appreciated-no matter how u ar feeling at the time-we care and we are here. God bless


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Thank you, mohterlode. I have to go to work now, I start class at 5. I need to try to wash up and get normal looking.

I appreciate the support, and feel bad for dumping it on some people who are dealig with estrangement besides.

It seems so backwards.

Liz


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Good you sound a lot better-never feel bad about venting-never. Just don't scare the crap out of me-lol. Now you have to be a little happier to balance yourself out. Hopefully today will be better than yesterday and so on and so on. Thanks for checking back in-I feel like a den mother now. Take care and god bless


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa

I am going to put my story out here for you. Honest, open, ugliness and all.

I have little family. My parents both died 10 and 11 years ago. My relationship with them was difficult. My father had no back bone, my mother could be a real bi*ch. We were estranged more that once but had a pretty good relationship when they died. My childhood was filled with my parents fighting all of the time. If they were together they fought. My mother was verbally and physically abusive to me. Never physically abusive to my two brothers. I had a mouth on me and when I smarted off I was hit.

I was a single mom for 12 years. My parents were there for me before they passed away. After they passed away I had no one. My brothers would help me if I called about something but they never called me and they never developed a relationship with my kids. My ex stopped taking the kids overnight 6 mos. after we split. It wasn't long until he just saw them 12 hours a month. I worked 6 hours a day in a factory until I became disabled in 1999. Even being disabled none of my family called to see if I needed help.

Early on in my single parent hood I accepted Christ. I knew I couldn't do it alone. After I tried alcohol, affairs with various questionable men and so on. I was involved with one of the biggest drug runners in my city. When he would come to see me he had to leave his gun in the car. It was wrong and I knew it so I gave it all up. I got into a good church and got the kids into church and youth groups. The people of my church were our family. I got the kids into a Christian school also. My son did not have a male role model in my family so we found them in our church and at school. I truly believe that saved his life. He is dyslexic and has had nothing but struggles in school. I felt that if I put him in public school I would loose him to a gang or to the wrong crowd. He has turned out to be a wonderful young man. Not without his quirks but we all have those.

My daughter caught the rage of all of those years that I kept bottled up inside of me. I let her have it one night over something that pushed me over the edge and she took a bunch of pills. She made herself throw them up...thank God. I didn't find out about it until a couple of months later. She told her youth pastor, he told me....She and I got into counseling. It lasted much longer for me. One thing that I remember most about the counseling was that the counselor said that I needed to replace the tape recorded message that played through my head. It was put there by my mother and ex husband. I was also told that I needed to think in realistic terms. My thoughts were not realistic. I would tell myself that I wasn't worth anything, that I was a failure, that no one loved me, I was stupid, that it didn't matter what I wanted, everyone came before me. I still have to work at that from time to time. YOU need to change that tape that runs through your mind. You are worth it. You are doing the best that you can. If you aren't then be honest with yourself and start now. You are worth loving. You have not deserved a lot of what you have had given to you in your life. You did what you should have and the only thing you could have for your son. You have made mistakes in your life......forgive yourself and try to do better. We all screw up.

I would suggest that you sit down and make a list of what you want your life to be like. What changes need to be made and what it is going to take to make them. Can you live some place else? What would it take for you to do that? Stop reading the paper and watching the news unless you have to for your own safety.

Stop seeing the people in your life that continue to put you down and abuse you. They do not have that right and only you can stop it. If you saw yourself as worth while you would not allow them to treat you that way. You need to be in control of you life. Not them. Not even your mom. Don't let anyone speak badly to you. Walk away, do not let them in your space.

Realize that you have had a part in how somethings have turned out in your life. I had to. Forgive yourself and get over it and on with it. Forgive others but do not continue to allow them to poison your life.

God helped me. In more ways than I can state here and now. Think about whether or not that is something that you would like to know more about if you don't know about Him already. Will receiving Christ as your Savior make your life perfect.....NO...it won't. But the pros out way the cons....by far.

Get into counseling. Talk to yourself as though you were the very best friend that you could hope for. Be loving in the things that you tell yourself and be honest with yourself....in a loving and gentle way. Get on antidepressants if you need to......I did. Stop seeing yourself as something that can be kicked around. Stop being a victim of other peoples actions and the crap that life hands you. That old saying "When you're handed lemons make lemonade." really ticks me off. What if you don't like lemonade? I say if life hands you lemons throw the damn things out and go after what you want.

God does not make mistakes. You are not a mistake. You are precious and you are loved. Start loving yourself, today.

I do not live where you do so I do not mean to simplify things in that respect. I do not mean to down play the seriousness of your situation. Please know that. I just know that life is hard. It can really beat you up. Get tough and pick yourself up and get started changing what you can.

The first thing you should do is change your screen name. Medusa is not the name of a beautiful and strong woman. It is not the name of some one that God knew before she was even created. It is not the name of someone that thinks she is worthy of love. It is not the name of a loving friend and mother. Call yourself a name that you would want to be called.

You are loved on this site by people that you don't even know. As said so many times before....we are here for you. We care. We want to help. We want you to make it. Not only to make it but to thrive in this life.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Believer, thank you for sharing your story with me, I know it must not have been easy, and it is much appreciated by me.

Just so that you know, if I didn't believe in Christ, I don't think that I would be here. I pray all of the time, but, I have to admit, I don't actively go to church. It just seems that by the tie I am finished working, I find myself making excuses to just either lay around, or be on the computer, or clean house in my free time. In fact I rarely go anyplace lately.

I know that were it not for the Grace of God, I'd not have half of the coherency that I do have.

My mom was an alcoholic when I was younger, and being the oldest it was up to me to pick up around the house and keep an eye on my brother, because if I didn't and my dad got home I was afraid he'd be mad.

She wasn' overly physically abusive to me, but to be honest, I think there were times when she HATED me.

It's so complicated to go into, but to make a long story short, my mom married my dad to spite her childhood sweetheart, who she thought had broken up with her because she didn't receive any letters from him when he went away to college.

So she met my dad on a beach in Acapulco, and married him less than 6 months alter. I was born 11 months later, and when she ran into her old boyfriend 4 months later, he begged her to get divorced. Being 1964 things weren't so open and possible, my grandparents forbade it, so she got pregnant, by him, with my sister, and needless to say - the comments - You're just like your father - You behave just like your father - You look just like your father were common.

I can't write anymore, I'll try to finish tomorrow, I'm so upset right now


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa...I know that sometimes being on the forum is a bit too much when you are so over come with your situation. Sometimes it does help to take a few days off. I have had a situation with my daughter that is posted here. Sometimes my head just can't take any more and I need a break from posting. I am touched that people worry if they don't hear from me. How wonderful it is that there are people out there that honestly care.

I understand being so spent after working and house cleaning that you don't feel you have the energy to go to Church. I am sure that you could visit with the Pastor by phone if you wanted to and get yourself put on the prayer chain. Does your church anoint people with oil? I have had that done many times. People have a need to help other people. If you would reach out to your church family for help I'm sure that there are people there that are waiting to help someone.

I lived with an alcoholic during my first marriage. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic that is still drinking. You can't reason with them, their logic does not compute. Living with drinker is a horrible thing. That is one reason among many that I left my husband. I didn't want my kids to have to do the "how much has he had to drink today?" dance for the rest of their lives.

Your mom made the choice that she did where her marriage was concerned. You were totally innocent in all of her choices. You remind her of a past that she has not come to terms with. You deserve to be loved and treated kindly even if she doesn't know how to do it or can't. Look at how deeply you love your son and then think of how your mom is not able to love you in a healthy way. How very sad for her. I feel so sorry for my parents. They just didn't get it. The messed things up terribly and I think they knew that. However, it stops with me and my kids.

I know at times like this we can have some really hard questions and feelings about God. I am not one that follows without a lot of questions. I get mad at my situation sometimes and at God for allowing it. He is my strength though and my provider. I don't always understand nor do I like His ways at times. Some times I feel that he has favorites and that I'm not one of them.

He will take what Satan has meant for evil and turn it into good. Do not despair of give into what this evil world throws at you. Remember that he that is within you is stronger than he that is in the world.

Take really good care of yourself during this time. Eat right, sleep enough and exercise. Those things help so much with stress.Blessing to you....and to your son.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Good evening to everyone-how ironic we share similar backgrounds. Both my adopted parents were alcoholics and I had to look after my sister who was 5 years younger than myself. I remeber at age 5-i was put in a rocking chair and handed my few days old sister in my arms-and sternly told not to move from the chair no matter what happens. it was daytime when my mother left to look for my dad who was on a drinking binge and dark when she came back so not sure what length of time it was. I only know this baby screamed and screamed and i wet myself several times in the rocking chair and was scared stiff. Did our chidhood trauma affect our parenting skills? I am still looking for answers and not judging anyone here-do not get me wrong please. I do not drink myself but did marry 4 times-3 times to alcoholic men. I heard we marry our parents and try to fix our past through our present relationships. All this is too much and too late in the evening for me to figure out. Take care and god bless.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Thank you motherlode. The worst thing is that today is my mother's birthday.

I don't want the things to stay the way they are between us, but I am at a loss for how to go about trying to fix them.

I remember what I told my son about how the intellegent people know how to apologize, and I say to myself - Liz just do that, go and apologize.

But then it seems like I belittle all of the frustration and hostility that I DO have with regards to how she contributed to my estrngement with my son.

I don't want to live in a family that is more disfunctional than what it already is, :(

I think to myself, Liz - if mom were you, and you were M, I wouldn't need an apology or anything, the relief that we are not estranged would be enough........

*shaking headhere today *


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Medusa: I came across a book titled "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking free of Exploitive Relationships" on Amazon.com. I have never read it, but the people who have are raving about it. Read their reviews too, as they offer additional insight.

Does your church have a support group for single mothers? Or can you find a support group for parents of troubled teens? It seems you need people around you who are struggling through some of the same issues you are. I imagine these relationships with others who "get it" would be a tremendous help not only for you, but for them as well. They would be a phone call away, on those hard days, when words of encouragement, or a listening ear would make all the difference. Many churches now have different support groups, or perhaps you can call your doctor for a list in the area of where you can find these groups.

Oprah has a saying that goes something like this. "What I know for sure- you did the best you could, the best you knew how at the time. When you knew better, you did better". Forgive yourself. Search for peace through your faith. Look on line for sites that will help you to heal. Many churches have on-line sermon's that you can listen to. But I imagine that you need some people around you to support you, and encourage you, and help you feel connected and cared for. Small groups of some sort.

Shield yourself from the pain of your mother's words. It does not belong to you. People on this forum talk about detaching with love. Meaning you can be pleasant, but detached. Because you finally understand that this is her stuff...not yours. It never was yours. If you truly understand that, the words will no longer pierce you to the core, they lose their power over you.

look around on line on healing. I imagine you will find sites that will help you begin to heal and find peace, in spite of it all. There should be other books as well.

And as others suggested, you should talk to a doctor to see if he can suggest medication to help you through this hard time.

And last, many churches offer free counseling just to talk through some of what is creating the pain in your life right now. If your church does not offer it, try others. It can be so healing as you talk things through and put it all in perspective.

I wish you happier days ahead Liz.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

thank you bnicebkind.

Mexico is so backwards with regards to support groups. There really aren't any, which is how come I decided to join an internet forum.

I don't want to create the idea that my mom is a monster, she isn't. Like Oprah said, I am sure she did what she knew how and knows how now.

I'm just so tired in my mind and heart lately too.

Thank you,

Liz Marie


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RE: I wish I was dead.

Would there be some way in your area for you to try and start a support group? Simply to get the word out, and meet at a coffee shop, or a classroom in a school or church? Even if only two or three people come, you could begin there.

Support groups thrive here in the US because people find healing with others struggling with the same issues. Friendships are built through these connections.

Also, if you pull up Oprah's site, perhaps there are words there that may begin the process of healing.

And with research, perhaps you can find words and books that would encourage your son as well.

I wish you well as you continue this journey to healing, and finding peace and hope in the midst of it all. Take care, Liz.


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RE: I wish I was dead.

MEDUSA-ARE U OK


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