Great advice, sweeby! Thanks so much for the idea. Unfortunately, like you I basically avoided the truth and did not record milestones etc. I can't accurately remember a lot of the details of her very early years. At least I kept all of the "official" documentation as well as samples of her work from age 3 on. However, it was frustrating to be asked over and over whether Alex echoed me, or used my hands to gesture, or whether there was ever a regression in skills, and on and on, with no clear memory about it. Did she reverse pronouns? Did she babble? When did she first use 2-word sentences? I had to tell them in many cases that I just didn't know. I could usually tell them when she had done something unusual and that if I hadn't noticed anything different, I thought it was probably pretty normal. Having 5 kids, I have a pretty good idea of what things were not typical. paige, how awful!! It's so sad that people can buckle under job pressure and trash their integrity. I don't see how anyone could do it. I do know, though, that it has happened to us twice in a less direct way. The playgroup teacher was simply unavailable for any documentation or official input, which I considered a breach of her contract but was obviously coming from "above." And the caseworker, who seems like such a lovely, warm person who cares about Alex when you're with her one-on-one, will turn on us in an IEP without batting an eye. DH told me to be very careful with what I say to her (I tend to trust people and will give way too much info). The district has made no secret of the fact that they want Alex off their sped rolls. Thank you for reminding me to be careful!!! A couple of days ago, I had a chance to speak briefly with Alex's new teacher (2nd grade). Alex was standing right there so I couldn't say too much. The teacher expressed amazement that Alex is on an IEP and said the usual we hear from teachers about how well she does, how smart she is, what a joy to have in class, etc. Then she went on to laugh about how much glue Alex used on her continents project that day. She marked Alex's project in red ink with words about not using so much glue and she called her "Miss Glue Girl" in front of other parents and kids after school. Alex burst into tears in the car and told me that she had had to do the project twice and still couldn't keep from getting glue all over. She said all the kids were watching. That's the kind of information I assumed would have been given to the teacher--Alex has *always* had a lot of difficulty with motor skills! Where are the reports and the people who are supposed to be working on Alex's behalf? I had requested a meeting with the teacher so that I could go over some of this stuff, but we hadn't had a chance to meet yet. Alex is left-handed, clumsy and awkward with any kind of project/art work/writing assignment, but there are easy accomodations for most of it (extra time, understanding that she *has* difficulty, left-handed scissors and perhaps a GLUE STICK????). The teacher also laughed about how serious Alex is. She told how she and another teacher were joking with her about her dress. They told her it was so pretty that they wanted it. When she just looked at them, one of them said, "What, you won't share your dress?" and Alex just looked at them and didn't laugh but frowned instead. Well, she doesn't understand that that is a joke. That remark would puzzle her because she wouldn't be sure how to take it. Again, that is something that has been noted in her records all along. This is the danger in teachers reporting that there are no problems and everything is fine!!!! Today she had a VERY hard time going to school because it's Fine Arts day. She absolutely dreads art day. In her arts class (or at least this was true last year), everyone does the same picture and they work on skills such as perspective, graphic sense, symmetry, etc. Alex is not able to do any of those things the "right" way, so her Woman or Dragon or Building looks very different from most of the other kids'. It does no good to tell her that art is what comes from the heart, because for a little girl attuned to following the rules and doing the best job, that is a moot point. Personally, I love her paintings because they are her and have a sort of Picasso-esque quality :) Luckily, we've not gotten to the age yet when these things are graded, but she knows the eyes on her person are not the same nor is the nose in quite the right spot etc so she is very unhappy with her work. Anyway, she has a little chime ball I gave her last year that hangs on a ribbon. I have had it for years. It's a little silver ball and if you shake it, will make a soft chiming noise. It's in a little basket thing so you can wear it as a pendant. I told her last year to imagine there was a little fairy inside and when she felt upset, to shake the ball and the fairy would sing to her. It worked pretty well and she told me that the fairy would sometimes tell her the right answers on her work. Today she put it on for Fine Arts. This year I gave her a small silver heart in a silk pouch for her to carry in her backpack. She gets it out when she is stressed and holds it in her hand to remind her how much Mama loves her and a piece of me is there with her to make her feel better. She made sure she had that today, too. We've not had as much trouble with meltdowns but she is very anxious and angry before and after school. She will sometimes go under her bed for a while and she likes the cupboard under the stairs. She goes in there with a little light and reads for a long time. I told her she's like Harry Potter, though I didn't mention that Harry didn't go in his cupboard out of choice.

yoyobon, "That is a road better left untraveled." I don't understand what you meant by this other than you may feel that it will not help you to move forward and what you define as forward. "...there is nothing...NOTHING...that I can do today to change one moment of my history as a parent." No, you cannot change the past other than to understand it and to acknowledge what behaviors could have contributed to the situation in the present. I don't feel that is nothing. Deep understanding is beneficial. I would not dwell on how you cannot change the past, especially if you are contemplating letting her know of any regrets you may have. I basically don't understand why so many people get stuck here and recite this repeatedly. It sounds too much like they do not want to work on themselves or do the work necessary to make ammends--that point in the relationship where they have deep understanding of the issues. As to making amends, apologizing and expressing heartfelt regret, I also would only take that step after careful consideration as well. It needs to be a sincere effort, not a last resort bandaid to try to fix the situation. People know when it isn't sincere and when someone offers a non-apology, because they demonstrate cluelessness about what happened, stating that they don't understand. They cling to non-understanding in the role they played in the conflict. "I can offer my regrets and apologies...what good are they?" I disagree with the above statement. I think when they are sincere it can make an incredible difference. The problem as I see it as that they usually are not sincere and that there is no remorse or true understanding given. I've also had to learn and to practice grief for people who have died. I've done it for the living too--the new grief that you speak of. I believe that adult children who also estrange themselves do so with full acknowledgement that they are too mourning a loss. In fact, I can assure you that they do. They may just express it differently. "I like to believe that my daughter is better without all of us, her family...for whatever reasons." She may be for this period in her life feel like she is better off or at least feel more peaceful, despite it feeling hurtful for you to contemplate this. I don't know what is going on in her life and what stresses she is managing or coping with. Sometimes people in our lives deepen our burdens and cause more stress to us, even if it is unintended. They do so with their trying to help, when maybe one isn't asking for help. They harm in countless ways which they don't seem to understand. Your daughter sounds like she needs privacy and space and I would give it to her. Be generous with your heart to her and give her this. As for an apology there is the right time and place and it sounds from what you wrote above that she needs a lot of room and space. "Only she knows her true motivation for destroying each of us in the manner that she chose to do it." That is correct. Only she knows her true motivation. Maybe she tried to tell you something, which you couldn't hear. I don't know and saying that to you is not a judgement. Yes, you are not her and do not know what is in her heart. And you may feel hurt and lonely, but she has not destroyed you. If her husband is a narcissist as you describe then she will need you to forgive her. She will have to deal with it on her own or at least maybe she can find what it is that she will need to do without others burdening her heart with guilt, shame or their needs and opionions, whether they intentionally mean to hurt her or not. The best you can give to her would be non-judgement and unconditional love. You can still love your daughter and grandchildren with the full measure of your heart through understanding and generosity--give her time, space and privacy. Maybe what you can do for you now is to consider therapy for yourself. It may help you to cope with this process and grieveing and the pain that is in your heart. Some people don't like taking those steps, but I think it wise to take care of yourself. What you say will stay between you and the therapist and remain confidential, which I believe is a much healthier way for some people to address deep feelings of loss and emotional pain without other people's judgements or personal adgenda's. My in-laws and family members have not taken measures to make amends. It would have made a difference to me, especially if their had been some kind of deep understanding of the issues and if I had been able to have felt their sincerity. It makes a huge difference--it would have for me.

Thanks to all who have shared on this thread. I too am an estranged mother from an adult son. I used to be the one saying to other estranged parents that they must have done something wrong to deserve it. No child would ever willingly want to cut off good, caring, loving parents. Then, it happened to me and I was in shock and disbelief because I am always the one OTHER people turned to for help with their children. I am a therapist, after all, and I know about interpersonal relationships - right? I spent my whole life teaching others "how to do it correctly and in a healthy way"! How shocking and shameful it was when this happened to me! Not me!! How and why could this happen?!? The past five years have been grueling to say the least. I do understand the suicide attempts by some and the difficulty moving forward with life. I read everything I can find from children who have cut off parents to try to figure out what I can do to fix it. I read the comments by those on this thread that tell us what we have done wrong. So, I have apologized repeatedly for anything and everything I have done to make my child hurt. I have repeatedly reached out to him as have multiple family members and his best friend and other friends to try to heal the rift. Every time I reach out, there is some new reason he and his wife are hurt. Some of the things they accuse me of are not true. I know they are not true because they are about how I feel - that I don't really care about them or that I don't really love them or I behaved in a certain way because I wanted to disrespect them. I can honestly say that all I want from them or anyone is to have a nice time and to love each other. They misinterpret everything I do. I still apologize but only I know how I really feel and what my true intentions were. They can't tell me that. Still, I apologize. Finally, my husband and adult daughter and other son told me to stop apologizing. They said it was making it worse and not better. They saw my pain and desperation and helplessness and it was destroying them. So, they told me to stop because they could not take the pain. So, I stopped. With regard to what CJH Design wrote about gravitating toward pleasure and away from pain, I will say this. My parents have not been easy to deal with. They are controlling and focus only on themselves. I am expected to do everything for them and they still complain. No matter how much I do, it has never been good enough and they always expect more. I have tried and tried to make them happy and I have become a major people pleaser and caregiver in my life, sacrificing everything for the wellbeing of others and especially my family. My father is older and my mother has died. I take care of him every day and it is very difficult because of how critical he is. It is not pleasant to be around him most days but I still do it. I don't do it because it is pleasurable. I do it because I love him and that is what love is. It is unselfish and it is giving, even when it is not easy or pleasant. I also remember how many times I did this for my children when they were difficult to deal with and it was not at all pleasant to care for them, give up dreams that I had, deal with the pain of their behaviors, and work full time to support them. I could have left them and gone out for more pleasurable times when I was young like some parents do instead of hanging in there, parenting when it was very difficult and certainly not fun to deal with temper tantrums, snot, sickness, and endless needs. Not fun at all. Parenting is the most difficult job on the planet and it takes a dedication to stick with it and not run from it toward a life of fun and pleasure. I believe that being unselfish and giving to others is an important value and I try to do it in my life. I also have empathy and compassion for my father because of what he has been through in his life, which I won't go into because it would take all day. I would never dream of cutting him off. My heart hurts too much when I think about the pain it would cause him. I could never do that to him, no matter how he treats me. He does not have to be pleasant all the time for me to be around him, care for him, and stay with him. I think that is what love is really. Another example: In my work I go into jails to help people in trouble with the law. I hate being locked in when I go to jails because I have a phobia. I get paid very little and the courts are not nice to me. It is definitely not pleasant. I don't do it for the pleasure or money. I do it because I want to try to help and because I believe that doing things that are right is not always easy. People do things for pleasure but I have found that meaning and purpose can come out of things we do that require a willingness to set our own desires aside for someone else or for a greater good. This is what I have learned from my estrangement from my son: Karma: I recognize there is a lesson in this for me. What am I being taught by the universe? I have struggled with this long and hard and I think I have learned that I needed too much from my son. I think I relied on him to make me happy because of the difficult relationship with my parents. I need to let him have his own life and make his own decisions. I need to move on and figure out what I need myself and not rely on him so much. I also think I learned that I have been too critical and judgmental of others in my life. I need to try to be more understanding, compassionate, and less focused on who is right and who is wrong. Money: I gave my son everything he ever needed. I paid for his degree, paid for him to travel all over the world, and paid for several cars, and for anything else he needed ever. He now has a good job and is making far more than I ever did. I had to work several jobs to give him what he needed. He does not need my money now but the rift did seem to be about money as far as I can tell. Here is what I have decided I need to do to find meaning in life: I am going to use the money I earn and have to give to others in the world who don't have anything. I am going to travel with organizations that help others and use my money to help them. I am going to give of myself also, because that is more important than just giving money. I am going to try to improve the things for other people around the world who have far less than any of us. That is going to give me meaning and purpose and is something that I always wanted to do when I was raising my children. My daughter has indicated that she wants to do this with me and she shares in the vision. It gives me so much joy and pride to have her with me on this journey. I hope that some day my son will come back and have a relationship with me and with his family. His sister and brother are very angry with him and he does have a spouse that encouraged the cut-off from us. I hope that we can heal eventually but I am not sure if he even values his family at this point. What I have learned is that it is his decision and I must let him figure out his own life and not expect him to be there for me. I can accept this now and I am starting to have some peace so I must be on the right track. Life is a struggle and we all need to work to figure out what we are supposed to learn about ourselves. What you all have written in this thread has helped me a lot to continue figure things out myself.

naturewoman0123 Its taken me years but I’m over it and it happened rather suddenly. It was like a switch was flipped. But there was a lot of hard work. I believe it was the grace of God. But also the work I’ve done. I’ve seen the reality of who my kids are and it isn’t pretty. I’ve accepted that I don’t like who they are. I’ve also accepted the situation for what it is and not what I would like it to be. I’ve also accepted that I am unwilling to be treated without respect and gratitude. I am unwilling to accept their abuse. Text is easy and intrusive. My sons text me. My daughter does not. I texted them both that I was blocking them in text and that they would have to communicate to me through e-mail. I had a very rough week and then BOOM it was better just like that. All of this is a dysfunctional family pattern that repeats itself over and over. Remaining in the abuse prevents healing. By the work I’ve done I mean counseling, reading, listening to YouTube videos and some serious self reflecting on my family of origin and how the problem was created. Bottom line is they made a choice. A really crappy choice that is impacting every part of their lives. Every choice we make forms who we are. I can’t control that. That is between them and God and way above my pay grade. Talking to other people won’t heal you. Detaching and distancing yourself and understanding the situation will. I feel better than I have in years. If nothing happens I’m ok with that and is far preferable to what the relationship is now. They are condescending, rude, hurtful etc... They deny, diminish, dismiss, blame, project and lie. Its to justify their crappy behavior. It’s the same story over and over. I feel completely liberated. Have hope. It is possible to feel great again.