Your message is a little confusing. He was spending time "bonding" with his mother before coming to live with you? Where has he been while you didn't have custody of him?

Deal with the religion issues CALMLY. You don't say what your religious beliefs or values are. If you're NOT Christian, tell the boy what Christians believe - that Jesus died & rose again (came back to life) on the 3rd day. He may have some other questions & be prepared to answer them - again, calmly.

I don't know WHY they decided to tell him about the sister that died at this point, but again, deal with it calmly & rationally. Word your answers carefully so he doesn't have a fear that he'll die when he's six, too.

I assume the boy is being left with his grandparents by his mother in a babysitting capacity? Talk to your lawyer about whether this is allowable. I know you have to let him visit his mother, but you may have some say about who she uses for babysitters when he's with her.

Monsters in the basement (this grandmother sounds like a piece of work, BTW), under the bed, in the closet is a pretty common fear for kids this age. When my nieces, nephews & later daughter went through it, I took care of it. I bought a can of air freshener & made a label that I taped on it that said "monster spray." We sprayed the "infested areas" and those monsters were never heard from again. Many people disagree with that method of dealing with it, but it worked.

This is a diffcult time for this little boy - he's adjusting to a new home & new routine. Keep an eye on things, stay in touch with your lawyer & don't hesitate to seek counseling for him if you feel it's necessary.

Good Luck!

I would get some kind of clarification on the monsters under the bed story. Maybe he took it out of context or something. Otherwise, I agree with Carlotta, and the "monster spray" sounds like a wonderful idea!

Whenever he brings these things up, I would just answer his questions matter of factly and honestly, according to my own beliefs, and have a couple minute conversation with him about it. Couple minutes is about the most a child his age will hold interest anyway. I would follow his lead regarding how intersted he was in talking about any of it.

I would never say anything bad about the other family members. I would not tell him I thought they were "wrong" though I might say "I don't agree with them, we have different ideas about that." Except regarding the monsters. I would enforce to him that there is no such thing as a monster (except, with a little laugh to lighten the mood, the kind on Sesame Street, which don't seem too bad to me). I would explain that Grandma probably had a reason for telling him that, either a not very funny joke or a way to scare him away from the basement and tell him the real reason he should not go to the basement (maybe it's not safe, or just a really big mess).

Approaching all of these issues calmly and honestly, following his lead, will allow him to do exactly what your plan with religion is, weigh the facts and make up his own mind. Unless you think his physical safety is at risk, I would not deny him his right to see his other family. That is going against your philosophy of letting him think for himself. If you are to be his permanent, primary caregiver, you will ultimately have more influance on him than anyone else.

I would never tell my kid there are monsters around, but she seems to think lately (All on her own accord, mind you) that her stuffed animals are possessed. Just two nights ago my 5 y.o. DD put her stick-horse in my room because she said "he stares at me at nighttime".

Regarding God, I'm not religious and neither is my DD's other family. I have explained the basic Christian beliefs, even though I truly do not follow them. But when one celebrates Christmas, one has to explain the manger scene and all that good stuff that goes along with Christmas. I'd not keep my DD from her father's (noncustodial) family if they started forcing religion on her... no way. It would only enrich her life to learn more about everything and to see different aspects of everything. It's a touchy subject (religion) anywhere you go, I suppose.

About death, my DD has experienced it first-hand, one of our beloved pets died this year right in front of our eyes. She watched as we buried him and I explained the whole aspect of death, heaven, etc. We have not had any "human" deaths, however, so she has not experienced it on that level yet (hopefully she won't have to until much much later).

Regarding the monster spray... DD and I have a nighttime ritual. We sprinkle some bath powder on our heads, it is green tea scented, very calming. It is working for both of us! I tell her it is "fairy dust" and that it makes good dreams and keeps the bad dreams away. She had a horrific nightmare about her grandfather a few weeks back and ever since we used the fairy dust, she has been having 'good dreams'.

- darkeyedgirl

As far as the religon part, my kids were never baptised. I was baptised in the catholic church, but I feel that my kids should be allowed to make their own choice when the time is right. Every time I have ever gone to a catholic church, it always seemed to be about money. Always a ton of collections for variuos reasons. Then there were the people who believed the more you gave the better a person you were. They were always sure to see just how much you put in the basket.

As for the monsters, I believe that alot of grandparents were brought up differently than we were. I would never tell my children there were monsters in the basement. My grandmother did things like that. It was just her way of keeping us out of the basement where we could get hurt. At night we would sit out on her porch in the summer, and she would tell us that there were monsters in the woods at night. Again, it was her way of keeping us close to the porch.

You are going to have to spend time with your son, getting to know him better. You cannot undo what he has been told, and at the same time, you cannot force him to change his mind about what he has already been taught.

Well, Malls and movie theaters are all about money, as they usually don't give stuff away. Why is it that a voluntary collection basket is viewed as evil? Letting children 'make their own choices' about religion can sometimes be a cop-out. Guess what...if you raise them with a religion they end up making their own adult choices anyway. The grandparents may not be right, but they are filling a vacuum left by Mom & Dad.

Trish

Talk to your doctor about finding a counselor who has experience with custody issues. They can help you assess the situations and their effects. Most importantly though, they can help you to help your son not be harmed by adult confusions (whether deliberately applied or not).

A lawyer can help you assess any legal options. Consulting a counselor demonstrates in a tangible way that you are first interested in and able to seek help for your child first. It is usually a good idea.

I've known a couple kids who never were exposed to the concept of death and who were still extremely sensitive about it. This is only anecdotal and it may be the case that the only reason (or the main reason) for your child's concern was that some adults spoke of the subject to him; but, he might have had a temperament which would have been very sensitive even without that information.

Religion is touchy. People, even small children are exposed to and interact with others within their communities. Different people harbor different beliefs and knowledge in the area of religion. It's normal to a certain extent, that some people share some aspects of their beliefs. This kind of area might be one where a counselor could help you and/or your son. It's hard to always tell what/how a 6 year old is thinking and feeling because they are not yet able to think and feel like adults. They will share information candidly. They are also very impressionable. If you want to try to figure out what he's thinking or feeling you can try asking open ended questions, and specific ones. Try to keep focused on the fact that you are working with him, to maximize his health and ease in the world. There are children's books written about death and dying, and you might check some of those out to see how the topic is addressed. Follow your son's lead, and soothe or give him information he can use as indicated.

Monsters in the basement? Hopefully this was a misguided attempt to really press their point that the basement is totally off limits (as a safety hazard for example). Sometimes, this scare approach seems to work for people and they just don't really know enough about individual child development or adjustment issues to really know how this could be a harmful approach. If these people are otherwise conventionally sane, and people you can sometimes work with, it's probably a good idea to assume they had some benign 'motive' behind their having said that.

Talk to him, listen to him and let him talk about what he likes about his grandparents, and his mother. What does he like about visiting there? What does he not like about visiting there? Adjust your interpretations for the fact that he's 6 years old and has his own lofe experience such as it has been.

A practical approach to monsters is to be able to take a few deep breaths. Then, think about what is being thought of as a monster and go investigate it (shine the lights on it, check it out, make sure it's ok). A few times through the drill should help make it more clear that 'monsters' are usually just other things that seem scary because of tricks a person's brain plays on them (or perception). An explanation for the grandmother's behavior in saying there were monsters is that it was really really important for him to not go down there without an adult. It's not safe. Sometimes adults will say things like that when they are not sure how to make their point in other ways. That's sad, and sometimes it's silly, but it happens (you can add things about how glad you are that he told you, so that you can help him make sense of some weird things people said to him).

The religion thing, and whether it's out of normal bounds enough to be risking your son's mental health to go back for a visit is a question you really need to address in greater detail with a child counselor. Get professional feedback on this before acting, and especially before trying to cut off visitation on your own.

I would advise you to proceed with tolerance and caution at the momemt, as you are no doubt under stress and some emotional upheaval from this change in family situation.

Try to re-read your post objectively.

From my (humbly less imformed but perhaps more objective point of view) you are upset that the primary parent and/or grandparents have not raised your son to date with your beliefs and goals in mind.

However, you now seem to be considering doing the same as they did--teaching your son opinions to match your own beliefs (raising him to make an "informed choice" is just as much a "belief" as teaching him religion), and perhaps even cutting off contact with his grandparents is they do not comply.

Also, you have to remember that what you describe (fear of death, crying because of death) is typical four-year-old behaviour--especially if a child is gifted.And you must take most things a four-year-old says with a grain of salt. He might tell you Grandma said there are monsters in the basement, and tomorrow he may well tell you that he has driven a car, cats talk and Santa Claus is real.

This situation is way too complicated for you to get the advice you need in a forum. Your first and absolute priority is to act in the best interests of your child. To understand just what that is, I think you need to consider some family counselling--for you, the mother of your child, the grandparents and your son. It sounds like there is some bitterness between you all, but that bitterness will only harm your son. Since none of you wants to see the little guy harmed, put that bitterness aside, all of you, and talk things out with a counsellor now. It will be the best investment you ever make for your son.

In response to the post by discotrish:

I understand that it requires money to do things, and it does cost money to run a church. My position still stands though. I have been to one church where there was a collection for upkeep on the church itself, another for upkeep on the church van, one for church activities, one for after chuch food, and also one that went directly into the ministers pocket. (yes, they said that was where it was going, as he was out of "paid employment" at that time)All of these collections were taken on the same day!

I watched as people who were barely scraping by, put their hard earned money into that plate in the name of god. I don't know about you, but I think god would rather them have food in their bellies, and clothes on their back.

Letting my children choose their own religon is not a COP OUT! There are many different beliefs in my family. They hear about ALL of the differnt beliefs. I think it is totally unfair for me to force them one way, when they wish to go another.

If it were up to me, they wouldn't choose any religon, as I do not believe in any of it. But, as I have said, it is THEIR choice. I do not intend to sway them one way or the other.

BTW: That "minister" walked out of there every week with at least $500 in his own pocket.

To each his own.

Wow I really liked some of the post's here, however some have reminded me why I left it some time ago.

Thankyou all, well meaning

Good answer Mom4boys! It's the child's welfare that is important, and adult prejudices and preferences need to be put aside.

As to religious collections they are voluntary. If they are not then you didn't join a church, you joined a business.

Trish

If donations are "voluntary" as you say, then why does the church have envelopes printed for donations?

It's all in how it is worded. They cannot force you to donate, however, printing envelopes, and shoving baskets in your face implies that it is necessary.

The whole practice of publically collecting the money, while others watch just what you put in shows that they are subtly telling you that you have to give. If that weren't true, then they would have a place you can drop donations upon entering or leaving the church.

I also agree that Mom4boys has a very good answer. It is too bad that cindy lou has turned this into a religion bashing post. And this is in response to her posts. I have been Catholic all of my life and even though I don't agree with all of their beliefs, I am proud to be a Catholic. You refer to "minister" in one of your posts. The clergy in the Catholic church are referred to priests. So are you insinuating that a priest's take home out of a collection was $500 per week. In the dioceses that I live in and have lived in, there has never been a separate collection for the priest. They are provided a house and a small salary. And that salary is very low for what they are expected to do. Yes, as a member of a parish, we are given envelopes. They are still voluntary. They are not going to kick you out of the church if you don't donate. I donate on a monthly basis because I feel that is my obligation and the envelopes assist me because they send me a record at the end of the year for tax purposes. A basket has never been "shoved" in my face. One day I was in Walgreens. I was in line behind our priest. He was in there paying for prescriptions for some people who could not afford it. This is what religion is about. I was glad that my donations were going towards that. It does take money to run a church - how are the utilities, upkeep, etc. supposed to be paid for. I feel it is important for children to be raised and go to church. However, I agree that religion and values should also be taught at home.

I am in no way bashing religion. I am simply stating what I personally have seen, I know that a priest is catholic. I never once stated that the minister who collected money was from a catholic church. As I have stated above, there are MANY religions in my family.

As for collection baskets, yes, they do walk up and down the aisles with baskets on long poles so they can reach the people in the center of the pew.

Just because I don't hold the same beliefs as you, doesn't mean I am bashing religion. I am stating that in MY OPINION, I do not believe in any of it.

The OP was asking questions on religion, and by asking that, he was asking for opinions. I gave mine. If you do not like what I have said, or agree with what I have said, that is fine, and it is your right.

It is possible that what you have heard from your son is a little misinterpretted (the monsters in the basement/under the bed, in particular). In my experience this can happen quite easily.

As far as religion is concerned, all is not lost. My mother was not Christian and had her own beliefs but once every year we would go to visit Grandma and attend her Baptist church on Sundays. We were told not to use the Lord's name in vain and given some general Christian instruction from her. It didn't upset my mother. She just exposed us to different ideas and here I am today, definitely not Christian. I think you shouldn't dismiss the Christian religion but you say things like, "yes, some people believe that and some people believe other things. I believe this..." I don't really understand why you are so worried about him being exposed to things like religion and death. Young children have amazing capacities for understanding lots of complicated ideas.

I agree that it would have been nice if it had been you informing him of his sister's death but, again, it may not have been on purpose. I know that with kids, the younger something like this is shared with them the better able they are to accept it. I think it's generally a mistake to keep this stuff quiet until some future date at which time the parents think they can handle it. If he had heard of her since he was 2 it would have been nothing shocking.

I find people are far more critical of the ex and their family and how they interact with the kids than they are of their current spouse. If your wife had inadvertently shared any of this information you would have easily forgiven her and just done damage control, perhaps discussed how you would like to do things in the future. I think an open and non-confrontational discussion with your ex's family is in order and despite the fact that you have custody they probably have the right to make some parental decisions without always consulting you.

The reason a church has printed envelopes is to help them know if you are an active participant. It doesn't matter if you put in a dollar a week, or a note saying you are financially strapped. If you view a basket as being 'shoved in your face' then perhaps it's an attitude problem on your part, as they are merely passed down the row. And if you actually USED the envelope it wouldn't be obvious how much you gave. But it would be much nicer to spend Sunday at the Mall buying things, wouldn't it? And all those cashiers shoving credit card slips in your face.

Trish

All the churches I have attended use the printed envelopes, so that in Jan, they can send you a charitable donation sheet for your taxes.

For your information trish, I do not spend my Sundays at the mall. I have not been to the mall in years.

If you don't like my opinion, that's to damned bad. I don't agree with yours, but I have tried to be nice. You won't let it die.

I would like to invite you to the catholic church here, so you can see for your self what they do. The baskets(as stated above, but must not have been read) are attached to long poles. They hold them in front of you, and do not move them until you put something in.

I guess it won't die because you keep spreading more disinformation. Thank you for the invitation to attend a Catholic Church -- I am present there every week. And incidentally I don't drop ANY money in the collection and don't care what people think about that. My husband and I send a check directly to the parish office four times a year. When I was a college student all I could manage was a buck a week, and that's what I dropped in the collection basket. If you REALLY want to avoid the donation issue, attend the daily Mass on a day during the week. There is no collection.

As to the baskets on poles, those are in use at Masses that don't have enough people to make it easy to pass a basket down a whole row. They will not keep it in front of your face to embarrass you, they just keep it long enough to allow you to drop something in if you choose. I don't agree with your opinion, I think it is essentially uninformed and you seem to have an axe to grind with the church. However there is no law against having an uninformed opinion and you are welcome to yours. People will use just about any excuse to avoid attending church. It's perfectly all right to not go because either you don't believe or don't feel like it. Making up money issues is, in fact, a cop-out.

Trish