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My daughter

Posted by akangel76 (My Page) on
Tue, Jan 6, 09 at 2:26

Well I have a 8yr old daughter and a soon to be 11yr old son. My little princess who most of the time behaves herself and follows the rules. About every few months with no reason does something totally crazy and knows she will get it trouble. A few months ago she got my flour out put a dash of all my spices in it tracked a bunch in the living room and all over the kitchen. Then last week she decides to snoop in her brothers room and plays with his pocket knife and cuts his sheets and puts glue on his pillow. I am at my wits end with it. She gets curious or bored and goes crazy. Does anyone have any suggestions to help curb this? She gets punished usually its these crazy things that get her grounded besides that she does her chores has straight A's and all. We always follow through with her punishment. I just don't know what to do with her. She sometimes reminds of the saying my mom use to say "if everyone else was jumping off the bridge would you to" well my daughter would be like me me I will go first lol!!! Anyways thanks in advance.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My daughter

I have a daughter who just turned 9, in October, and she doesn't do things like that. But sometimes she tells me that she would like to play a joke on her older brother, or a friend and then describe things that she sees on programs lke from Hanna Montana, or Zac and Cody and similar programs like that.

But then she never does them because she always says, but suppose they get mad....

It come sto mind that maybe she thinks she will be 'cute' and is looking for the same results that she sees on tv programs - people laughing.

Does that sound reasonable?

If not, maybe then she needs some after school activity to tire her out. Something in sports. That's what a neighbor of mine does, she has her 8 year old in classes all afternoon, because she says she whines all afternoon if she is home.


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RE: My daughter

My daughter is in afternoon activities 3 days a week after school!! But the Hannah Montana thing makes me wonder if thats where she is getting it from she loves that show. I think I will have to tell either she stops the behavior or I will ban Hannah Montana. It didn't start tell right around the time of that show and High School Musical. Thanks didn't think of that.


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RE: My daughter

Or, maybe first try just explaining that those are programs designed to entertain people and make fun of situations by creating fake reactions, and that in real life those things that they do to eachother, like dumping food on eachother's head, or pouring fake snots on the laptop are not jokes, they are bad things to do.

Tell her that if she wants to produce a reaction from you or her brother, meaning she wants to interact with yous, then yous can play a game together or something like that.

I'm pretty sure that will help her differentiate between positive ways and inefficient ways of producing an outcome.

:)


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RE: My daughter

At that age, I saw bad habits surface with certain shows on Nickolodean, Disney and Cartoon Network. I would limit her to educational programs on PBS or Discovery, or no TV at all, and it would nip it. She outgrew it if that's any consolation :-)


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RE: My daughter

Um, excuse me, am I the only one who read that "the little princess" cuts her brothers sheets with a pocketknife?!!
That's just too out there for me. I don't care where she might have seen it.
Good grief, sounds like she's got a bit of "nasty" in her little princess heart.
I would have nipped that type of behavior right in the bud.


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RE: My daughter

"Um, excuse me, am I the only one who read that "the little princess" cuts her brothers sheets with a pocketknife?!! "

Nope. I saw that too. Right off.
Now maybe she is just being silly and trying the stuff she sees on TV.
That's certainly the kindest explanation.
But it's also possible that "Little Princess" thinks she's oh so cute, and that whatever she does is oh so cute by extension.

So was it a little bit of glue that dribbled out by accident when she was seeing how the container worked?
A tiny cut that would also have happened by accident when she opened the knife and dropped it?
I'm havin' trouble with all of these 'accidents', but maybe...

Honestly, it sounds to me more like deliberate vandalism and destructiveness of a type that needs to be handled firmly. Does 'Princess' have enough money saved up to buy her brother new sheets? And a written apology note goes a long way toward making a child really think about her actions. (At least as long as it takes to write the note.) It also shows the 'wronged' child that the wrong-doer has been punished.

I've also gotta admit that I have a problem with the whole 'Princess' thing in general.
It puts little girls up on pedestals for all the wrong reasons -- for being sweet and cute and acting in certain stereotypical ways instead of beinh kind, smart or competent and exhibiting charater.
Plus it sets parents up for all sorts of manipulations, buying into the whole "my Princess" act...

If you genuinely believe it's that she's trying stuff she sees on TV, then sure -- blame the TV shows and turn them off. But also be sure you're not viewing her actions through bubble-gum-pink-tinted glasses...


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RE: My daughter

Amen Sweeby!


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RE: My daughter

Mine wasn't destructive, I should say. Just that my daughter's behavior would deteriorate (talking back, mouthing off, etc) when she was around 8, when she would watch these channels.

No TV Time really nipped it in the bud.

Luckily I never had destructive activities.


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RE: My daughter

This does not sound like normal behavior to me, it's deliberately destructive and acting out. I think you need to seek professional help. And why does an 11 year old have a pocket knife?


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RE: My daughter

Cutting up sheets? That's pretty destructive!


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RE: My daughter

If you think the tv shows are influencing her, then sit there and watch them with her, and see what's going on.

It is troubling behavior. Well worth further investigation.

How do you punish her for these things ? Do you make her clean up the mess ?


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RE: My daughter

First off I didn't ask for advice to be bashed!!! But thanks for the support in that!!! I will start by saying 1. my 11yr old has a swiss army knife that is smaller than a lighter that is always in my family given on the 10 birthday or Christmas of that year. My son is VERY responsible!!! My daughter on the other hand and yes SHE IS my princess has gone through hell in her 8 yrs of life!!! I will explain that part in a moment! She did pay for the sheets out of allowance and is paying for the new locks on all doors so she can't go into anyones bedroom but her own!! She was also grounded for a week no tv or movies or friends!! Normally she is a very happy well rounded child!!! Now as for her past. Her bio father... was a jerk I was with for quite a while until he got physically abusive tried to kill me in front of my daughter she was around 3 or 4 at the time. So I left him moved out of state. He followed me to where I was. The court forced me to let him have visitation even though he had a domestic violence conviction. While she was on a visit with him, he took her and left state. He hid her out. It took a month of me searching because the wonderful police could not find him. The idiot (though I was happy to find her)took her back where I use to live and my sister saw her. MY sister found out the daycare she went to and so on. So the second I knew where she was we drove 14hours straight to the cop shop after getting the order from the court and took her from the daycare. I later a month or so found out she was left in a drug house and molested! We both did years of counseling over it. But we were also forced to bounce and move alot because he would stalk me and try and take my kids again. He walked through restraining orders nonstop will little help from the police to get him to stay away. He finally died last year from alcholism.

I am by no means a stupid person people.... She is a very curious child. She was the kids that stuck the sandwich in the old vcr when you went to get her a drink. Do I think this is a symtom of something more going on no I don't. She has very selected friends and I know all the parents well or she don't go to there house.

As far as putting my daughter on a pedistal by calling her princess you better believe I do.. My daughter was born with only a partial thumb and missing the palm and all her fingers on one had. Her being a princess attitude and acting like a lady keeps her self image and esteem high which needs to be a little higher than an average kid. She is not some shy little ashamed girl because of her hand. She is very independent never fusses about it and when kids tease about it she can handle it and not burst into tears!! So yes she is on a pedstal!!

Let me also say that I do not tolerate disrespect from my children. They are usually exceptionally well behaved respectful kids. There is consiquences for your actions. You get rewarded when you do good and punished for wrongs. We always talk about the situation that happens. This is the situation, this is what the bad choice was. and what are we going to do to fix it. We also go over if there is anything else bothering them.

My whole point in the post was to figure out something that would help her little crazy out bursts she has every know and then mostly led by her curosity. In this house you want to look at the knife fine she could of supervised but she mad a bad choice need to nip the curious bad choices in the bud but how is the question.

I am afraid that if she goes back into counseling they will bring back up her molestation. She has finally forgot. Something I thought would never happen. She finally doesn't have nightmares or wet the bed anymore. I am wondering if she is mad her dad died and she didn't get to see him for the last 4 yrs of his life. She remembers him still...

I am by no means trying to minimize the whole cutting the sheets thing. Its dangerous. I just am not sure if its her curious nature or she is mad about something and is not talking about it....


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RE: My daughter

aaww what a sad story.you really have had it rough,you sound a fab mother,well done.my bet it has a lot to do with her dad,who knows what she is thinking,ive a friend in a similar situation,three kids by a terrible father who comes in and out of their lives,more out than in.they too have a bad past with him and her eldest daughter also eleven does strange naughty things every now and again,her mother is at her wits end,im sorry i have no advice for you.its a hard situation.good luck with your little princess


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RE: My daughter

akangel, it's so incredible and sad that kinds of things like the situations you described could occur at a time in our world history when we've supposedly put men on the moon.

One would think that we are beyond those kinds of behaviors and problems.

Hopefully, if you say the molestation was at 4 years old, she just might be able to completely forget it. That's still pretty young.

You say your daughter still remembers him, does she openly ask to see him? I find that kind of difficult to understand considering the upheavel that he caused in her life.

Do you and your kids go to therapy now?

Also, what is the brother/sister relationship between your kids?

I also have two kids fathered by two differnt men from different relationships, and in my house I have never allowed the expression half-brother or half-sister, they are brother and sister to eachother period.

They love eachother very much, and get along well with the things possible considering their age differenes, which is almost 9 years. I'd think the difference in age between your kids make for an easier relationship.

Does her dad's family try to interfere?

Also, when you say she cut up the sheets, did the cuts look like stabs through them, revealing some anger or jealousy issues? or did they look like she just made long lines like if she was seeing how sharp the knife is?

I'm always very concerned and saddned by family stories like this, because although my life and my kids wasn't as traumatized as yours, I am personally going through some stuff (son in drug rehab) that I am sure is directly related to previous instability regardless of how hard I tried to prevent these outcomes.

Also, my mom has what looks like a lobster tail for a thumb on her left hand, a small palm and only two fingers. Nevertheless she lived a productive and normal life in the physical sense. But once a couple of years ago, (my mom is divorced)she was going to be introduced to a possible boyfriend, and I specifically remember her looking at me and saying, - do you hink he will care about my hand, Liz Marie?

It took me back for a sec......she was in her 50's....although we don't even notice or think about it, her small honest doubt, gave me insight to the years of intimidation that she covers up so well. Sometimes she tells me that the kids in school told her she had a chicken foot instead of a hand (and it does look a little like one :( )

Yes, keep your daughter's confidence up, and as much as you can, try to make a relationship with your daughters classmates, do anything and as much as you can to endear them to you too, so that some of that friendhip could possibly pay off in compassion.

Unfortunately kids these days are so much more rude and insensitive.

Hugs to you,

Liz Marie


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RE: My daughter

Liz,

Thank you for your kind post. The ex's parents don't interfer they don't talk about him to her. They just tell her they love her. But with that said I do not trust them to take her for a weekend or overnight. They live in another state.

With the cutting there was no stab I am first thought it was cut with sissors. She didn't lie she told me she did it with the knife. Its only the size in length of a dollar bill.

My son and daughter are 2 yrs apart in age and very close. They have a great relationship.

We are no longer in counceling haven't been for almost 2 yrs just for the lack of decent services in my area!

My daughter was very close to her father before he basically got stupid. Then after 2 yrs after the kidnapping and all with her couselors help we let her only have phone contact to help her heal. Most of the time this is put on hold for years with kids but he was extremely ill and was given a short time to live. I wanted her to be able to in her own way forgive him. Which I believe she has. I on the other hand still struggle with the forgiveness with him.

We do not under any circumstances bad mouth her father in front or around her. He is not talked about that way if she is in the house.

I wonder if the fact that my husband and I have been married almost 2 yrs now and they are building a really strong relationship is freaking her out!?! She is becoming a daddy's girl again.

Anyways I think that answers the questions.


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RE: My daughter

I didn't mean to 'bash' you akangel -- but your first post did sound like you were viewing things through 'Princess glasses', and had a not my little girl defensiveness about possibly destructive motives. That said, it does sound like you handled it appropriately, and that 'Princess trip' or not, you are providing structure and discipline -- So good for you.

I've still got deep reservations about the 'Princess on a pedestal' thing. If there was ever a kid who needed 'safe and normal', I'd bet she is it, and this is exactly because of the terrible tragedies in her past. It's a natural response of many parents to a tragedy like death, life-threatening illness or divorce, but there's just no way you could ever 'make up for' what happened to her, and trying to teaches the kids to play the 'poor me' card and to expect special treatment because of all she's been through.

My son also has a hand deformity (his is minor) and other special needs (less minor) so I understand your need to keep her self-esteem high. But rather than telling him just how wonderful he is (we do tell him he's wonderful) or leading to believe that he's better-than or even *different* than others, we tell him that everybody is different, so he's *just like* everybody else. That everybody has wonderful qualities, but also that everybody has disabilities and imperfections, and that sometimes they're things people can see and sometimes they're not. But that they're always there.

It's a question of what you praise, I guess. With 'Princess', "pretty" is part of the whole image. And this is certainly not to suggest your daughter isn't pretty -- but placing additional emphasis on physical beauty (in a society that already over-emphasizes it) when she has a physical difference could easily backfire on you. You've mentioned many other wonderful qualities that she has -- resiliance, curiosity, friendliness, honesty and character -- Why not play on those? Those are internal and can never be taken away by some schoolyard bully's cruel words.

In your daughter's best possible outcome, her hand deformity will be a minor footnote, and her life's course will be determined by who she is inside. I think you can find a better 'ideal' for her to emulate.


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RE: My daughter

Sweeby,

She actually does not view things as poor me. We do not focus on outer looks we focus on inner. I should of explained this a little more. Its about being honest, treating others how you want to be treated, respectful to others and having self respect and owning your choices. Does she hear shes beatuiful yes I would be lieing if I said she did not. I tell both my kids how much I love them and beautiful they are. But we don't focus on outer apperances non stop. We have taught our kids everyone is different. My daughter is pretty well rounded kid she is in cheerleading, goes to church by choice twice a week is in the chess club. She is friends with everyone at school even the ones that hate eachother she hates to leave people out thats how I ended up with 10 girls staying the night for her birthday. We invited everyone. I refuse to let her act stuck up or snobby I don't play that game.


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RE: My daughter

only the size in length of a dollar bill.

In your first post, it sounded like she cut up the sheet a lot! Didn't mean to sound bashy.

As far as her forgetting about the abuse, she will for quite a few years but, unfortunately, may have memories of it later in life.

My SIL was sexually molested at a very young age a few times. In her mid-30s, she started having "flashbacks" of those instances and had to go see a psychiatrist. Fast forward, today she has no contact whatsoever with her parents. I also have a friend who had flashbacks in her mid-30s. Don't know what it is with the timing of the mid-30s but it is not uncommon.

With such a trauma at a very young age, a person "blocks out" those events in order to move on. They say it's the body's way of coping.


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