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handholding for motherlode and others in same situation

Posted by medusa_2009 (My Page) on
Thu, Jan 8, 09 at 0:17

I saw your post in my thread about having found the courage to email your son. That was very brave of you, to face the fear that things might backfire or be ignored, but following your heart and writing anyways.

Good for you ! (hugs)

I wish there were words that I could say to you to help relieve and alleviate you some of the emptiness and pain you must be feeling, but there are not.

What comes to my mind is something I read once about a tribe of indians. When they knew that somebody bore a terrible loss, a loss they knew that was beyond any words being able to sooth,they would go to their homes and take the greiving person's hand in theirs and sit in silence as a gesture of showing that they united with the person in their sorrow.

So for a while imagine I am sitting there with you holding your hand. You are not alone. I have a secret fear my son will turn from me too one day from my decision, so I imagine what you feel.

Maybe as time goes by, and we all know eachther better we could put our heads together and think of an idea to help turn things around, okay?

Hopefully others will come and we could generate some good mojo and prayers and help eachother.

Liz Marie


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: handholding for motherlode and others in same situation

your words are comforting and much appreciated-yes i agree i have to turn this around and dare i say-get over it-it sounds like a long ways away from today but with suppport from you i know i will get through this. thanks and god bless


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RE: handholding for motherlode and others in same situation

Little by little motherlode, little by little.

Once when I was at this site for people overcoming getting divorced, I asked how long it would hurt, and this really neat woman, Nina, she said, Liz it will never not hurt, but after a while you will learn to live with the disappointment, and sadness, and it will not overwhelm you, nor will it overpower your being able to find some other joys and happinesses to sustain you on your life's journey.

I really liked that. I liked that she wasn't superficial, or oblivious to the fact that a lifelong change was imposed upon me, and that the feelings that I had for my ex were not so easily written off with a - Good Riddance!

So, I think it's even more appropriate in this situation. I mean we ARE talking about a little piece of us, aren't we?

I read a little in the other thread about your son's having been abused and how he blames you, I'm sorry. I'm sure it's occurrence must have been very infuriating to you, and then to be held also accountable for it, *shaking my head*.

I kind of suspected you meant that when you first wrote to my on the thread about my son.

You know? When I was about 7 I was molested too. Fortunately no penetration just some oral sex done to me and some fondling. I was afraid 'to tell' because he said he'd kill my mom if I did and my dad would go to jail. Then my sister who was a little younger than me, one day while walking to school she told me she had this dream that Uncle Joe had done some things to her....At that moment I knew he had gotten her too and I found the courage to go to my dad. We both did.

Well, to make a long story short. My poor dad, he's a simple man, really. He told me that what my 'uncle' had done was wrong, and that I shouldn't feel bad for what happened. He made us understand we were the victims. He then told us that one day when we grew up maybe the men we married would want to touch us in the say ways, and that we shouldn't feel afraid of him or what could happen because when it did, it would be special. And that we would have to finish growing up to understand what he meant.

And VIOLA! No flashbacks, no fears of intimacy, nothing held against our parents, we got through it.

It's so weird how as human beings we are all wired so differently, how we all react to the same stimuli so uniquely.

I'm sorry he is taking this out on you, and I really hope that someday he will be able to be 'reached' by somebody who could help him understand that unless a family previously lived an experience like that, there really was NO POSSIBLE WAY that anybody could ever foretell that something like that could happen.

I feel bad for my parents in fact, I feel bad to think they might feel accountable. How could they with no previous heads up?

Me, for example, my sister too, we are very careful. Our kids don't do sleepovers unless we know exactly who is going to be there, and within what circumstances, and only SPARINGLY, especially with the girls. We spoke from early on to our kids about their having every right to tell somebody trying to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable to stop it. And we make it perfectly clear to them that if somebody did try to force them physically to do something that they could/should scream and run and always tell us so we could help them, because sometimes there were people who had strange ways of behaving.

We tried not to make them paranoid but yes conscious.

But, the difference between you and me maybe is that I knew first hand.

I'm sure there are many other oversights that I am making in other areas.

Sorry, this got long.

So, just like me in Alanon, get through today, just today.

Like my friend Nina said, enjoy something, anything, to tide you over....be creative and willing to find the good in other things and people around you, and accept the emotional nourishment it can offer you as you carry on onwards through the fog.

I've got to get to bed,

Good Night,

Liz


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RE: handholding for motherlode and others in same situation

Hi Liz

I look forward to your jewels of wisdom daily. I received a beautiful e-mail from my oldest daughter today and taht lifted my spirits higher than the moon. I told my friend today it feels like I am on a roller coaster-i hate roller coasters-i am up and down at the strangest times. but now i am up and may even get to sleep without crying tonight-crossed fingers. You have a way with words for sure and just know what i need to to hear to feel a bit better. If you lived in my city we would probably be friends. I also like to hear from the other people here as well. Is it only mothers here or is there ever any fathers? I guess mothers are the main nurturers and if there is a disconnect it falls on our shoulders. Sleep well everyone and know there are others in similar situations trying desperately to make some sense of things. Be strong and take care all.


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