| Little by little motherlode, little by little. Once when I was at this site for people overcoming getting divorced, I asked how long it would hurt, and this really neat woman, Nina, she said, Liz it will never not hurt, but after a while you will learn to live with the disappointment, and sadness, and it will not overwhelm you, nor will it overpower your being able to find some other joys and happinesses to sustain you on your life's journey. I really liked that. I liked that she wasn't superficial, or oblivious to the fact that a lifelong change was imposed upon me, and that the feelings that I had for my ex were not so easily written off with a - Good Riddance! So, I think it's even more appropriate in this situation. I mean we ARE talking about a little piece of us, aren't we? I read a little in the other thread about your son's having been abused and how he blames you, I'm sorry. I'm sure it's occurrence must have been very infuriating to you, and then to be held also accountable for it, *shaking my head*. I kind of suspected you meant that when you first wrote to my on the thread about my son. You know? When I was about 7 I was molested too. Fortunately no penetration just some oral sex done to me and some fondling. I was afraid 'to tell' because he said he'd kill my mom if I did and my dad would go to jail. Then my sister who was a little younger than me, one day while walking to school she told me she had this dream that Uncle Joe had done some things to her....At that moment I knew he had gotten her too and I found the courage to go to my dad. We both did. Well, to make a long story short. My poor dad, he's a simple man, really. He told me that what my 'uncle' had done was wrong, and that I shouldn't feel bad for what happened. He made us understand we were the victims. He then told us that one day when we grew up maybe the men we married would want to touch us in the say ways, and that we shouldn't feel afraid of him or what could happen because when it did, it would be special. And that we would have to finish growing up to understand what he meant. And VIOLA! No flashbacks, no fears of intimacy, nothing held against our parents, we got through it. It's so weird how as human beings we are all wired so differently, how we all react to the same stimuli so uniquely. I'm sorry he is taking this out on you, and I really hope that someday he will be able to be 'reached' by somebody who could help him understand that unless a family previously lived an experience like that, there really was NO POSSIBLE WAY that anybody could ever foretell that something like that could happen. I feel bad for my parents in fact, I feel bad to think they might feel accountable. How could they with no previous heads up? Me, for example, my sister too, we are very careful. Our kids don't do sleepovers unless we know exactly who is going to be there, and within what circumstances, and only SPARINGLY, especially with the girls. We spoke from early on to our kids about their having every right to tell somebody trying to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable to stop it. And we make it perfectly clear to them that if somebody did try to force them physically to do something that they could/should scream and run and always tell us so we could help them, because sometimes there were people who had strange ways of behaving. We tried not to make them paranoid but yes conscious. But, the difference between you and me maybe is that I knew first hand. I'm sure there are many other oversights that I am making in other areas. Sorry, this got long. So, just like me in Alanon, get through today, just today. Like my friend Nina said, enjoy something, anything, to tide you over....be creative and willing to find the good in other things and people around you, and accept the emotional nourishment it can offer you as you carry on onwards through the fog. I've got to get to bed, Good Night, Liz | 
