My ex DH is the same. The church where he grew up got down to only 30 or so members. It was a huge building the members couldn't keep going. They decided to merge with another church. The new merges congregation sold the building. A business bought it with plans to tear it down and build a coffee shop. He goes on and on about how upset he is. He can't let it go and just wallows in misery over it.

He left his hometown at 18. He is 50. He hasn't been to that church more than a dozen times in the last 32 years! It's almost like he enjoys being miserable about it.

He's also a hoarder. I wonder if its all tied together - cant give up stuff, can't give up anything. It makes me sad to see his apartment. He has lived alone for about 2 years and already he could be TV. The good thin is my house is coming together and pretty clutter free now.

"This led to a whole explanation of how her father had had a "plan" for the house. :O "
LOL!
Apparently he didn't, or it would not have been sold to a developer!

My parents held onto a grudge against our neighbors dating back nearly 50 years. In the mid-60's our next door neighbor was a dentist with three daughters, all red-heads. We were friendly, went in their pool, played tetherball, I even baby-sat for the 2 younger kids once. One day the dentist decided he wanted to expand his home to include a dental office. He had an architect draw up some plans, he showed them to Mom and Dad and got written permission to add onto his house. Seems you needed a town variance to put a business in a residential property. So they started construction, a matter of months. Final part included a circular concrete driveway/parking lot for the patients. Mom and Dad went ballistic, saying the parking lot was ugly, damaged the market value of our home and started legal action against Mr. Dentist. Of course all relationships were severed, my parents stopped talking to the neighbors, we were forbidden to play with their children. The legal case was lost. It got even uglier. Dad started throwing grass clipping and tree limbs on the neighbor's side and Mr. Dentist did same. My parents put in a row of Blue Spruce pines to block the offending view. The dentists family moved away, next buyer was another dentist. Would you believe my Mom became a patient? My Dad passed away in 1998 yet Mom still talked angrily about the first dentist, saying he was evil and had ruined any chance to sell our home. Of course, Mom never wanted to move, she loved her home and all the memories. Yet she held onto that grudge like it was her dearest friend. What might have been...

This rings such an interesting bell for me. You described my mother. Every old house that she had been associated with, that has been torn down, is an issue for her. You will never hear the end of it. She found out not too long back that an old family house (in a part of the country that nobody in the family lives in or visits anymore) was torn down. She went ballistic, demanded to know why nobody contacted a historical department, etc. Truth be told, the house was really no value to history and probably better off torn down. IMO it has no effect on her life as to whether the house is there or not- she was never going to go see it again anyway.

She is a bit of an over-sentimental hoarder too. She would never think herself this way, but she keeps odd things- things that pull her back to the past, for example receipts from the dime store when she was a kid.

I'm reading a decluttering book recently in which the author discusses fear of mortality as being one of the reasons people like my mother do the things they do. They need the constant, seemingly unchanging world to convince themselves that 'things' stay the same and are constant, and therefore they will too. It was an interesting theory, I'm still trying to digest it, but think he has a lot insight there. I think it applies to my mother to a great extent, she is definitely one of those people who can't face that death is inevitable for us all.

Sorry if that got heavy.

Quasifish - can you post the title of that book? I would love to read it.

THANKS!

Quasifish- I really like your explanation of this behavior. My Mom never wanted to change anything, and, yup, she was a hoarder. She died just about 2 years ago and clearing out her house was a horror. She had ancient expired food in the basement; all our old toys were stuffed in the attic. Her living room was jammed with furniture- her original set bought in the 1960's, plus a set she inheirited when a cousin died, plus a set my brother got when he divorced. All three sets, three couches, loads of tables and chairs, all stuffed in one room. One day I visited and suggested she "decorate" the front porch, perhaps with some old tools and a wheel barrow. She yelled at me "No, I won't change a thing! It's been that way for years! " Yeah, right, if you keep things the same you'll never die.

mommabird, the book is Clutter Busters by Brooks Palmer. Very good read. I read an article by him in a magazine and it was very nuts and bolts in regard to decluttering, so I was a little surprised at how psychological his book seemed to get. I really liked it though and felt like I got way more out of it than expected.

Correction: *Clutter Busting* Sorry.

Thanks Quasifish! I just reserved it from the library.

I lived with a hoarder for 23 years and can tell you it's ALL psychological. The stuff I'd just a reflection of what's going on in their brain.

Gulp! Guess what's in my attic? Kids' toys, bouncy horse, wooden high chair, deconstructed crib, doll cradle (my old one!)......!!!