Heather, I had an experience that was so real. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it will help you with your loss. I know how hard it is to be here without your mother. My pain is great too but I was comforted by God. Here's what happened: I loved my mother so much. I was an only daughter so she was my mom, my sister, and my best friend. One day she was in the hospital, she had emphysema and I knew that she did not have much longer to live. I remember standing in the shower and saying prayers for her to get well. I live 400 miles away from her and could not be at her side. At the very moment that my prayer ended I received a reply. The response came to me first from my heart and then to my head. It said, "Why all the prayers if you do not go see the person?" At that moment I had greater wisdom then so many in my position. I ran from the shower dripping in a towel and hugged my husband in tears. I told him I have to go, my mom is sick. I have to spend as much time with her as I can. He said go. Be with your mom. I quit my job so I could spend as much time as possible with her. From that point forward I had four wonderful years with her helping to ease her pain and fear before she passed. And my story does not end there.... My mother did finally pass and of course I was devastated and beyond grief. I cried a solid two years. My heart would not heal. At night I would dream of her. She would be sick and I would be there praying for her to make it though it but she didn't and when I awoke, I knew the dream was for real. I had a very, very hard time moving on. I could not stop crying. Hardly for a moment. My face was raw from the salt of my tears. And then again one night I was having another nightmare dream about her. I remember sobbing in the dream. But this time a young man in a suit came a placed his hand on my shoulder. At that moment I felt safe and I just knew that he was an angel. I knew it was okay to go with him and I did. We began to walk and he spoke to me. I will never forget his words, "You have no idea how fortunate you are. You are going to have the opportunity to sit down and meet with God. So many people would love to have this chance that you are going to get. God wants to speak to you about your Mother. You are suppose to share this with others and he knows that you will." Then we reached a room and he said, "This is not how it is, we have created this for your benefit. God will come in and he will look like an ordinary man." In this room was a big desk with a chair in front of it. I felt like I was in a job interview. I sat in the chair and I waited for a moment. A tall dark haired man came into the room. I could not tell you all his features just that he was wearing a very nice suit and tie and he had big loving eyes. He knew my name reached across the desk to shake my hand and said, "Hello Nicole. How are you?" I must have squeaked a hello and a okay. Then I saw his big brown eyes. These eyes gave me a feeling of intense love. They seemed to look into my heart and shoot safe and soothing feelings at me. And he said this to me.... "Nicole, I want you to know your Mom is okay. She's not alone. She's with me and she's happy. It's okay, she's not alone." He seemed to know that a huge part of my grief was that I was separated from her and I didn't want her to be alone without the family. I knew that was a big part of my grief. He kept stressing that she was with him and not alone. Then he said, "She's happy, she's not sick anymore and she can breathe." I was sobbing at this point just sitting in that chair. I could hardly look at him. Then he asked, "Would you like to see her one more time?" "Oh, yes, please, yes, yes, yes!" was my answer. "Okay, we're going to set that up for you." and he called the angel back into the room. He told the angel, "We're going to go ahead and set it up for her to see her mom. Go ahead and take her to the room for her to see her." I was brought to a big room. It was lowly lit with chairs all the way around the room like a reception room at a doctor's office. There was a door across the room and through that door came my mom! She didn't look sick anymore. She looked like she did back in the 1970's. She was so pretty. She ran over to the chair next to mine and hugged and kissed me. I could smell her hair. I hugged her neck and kissed that favorite spot on her temple. I loved her so much. I told her that over and over. She told me she loved me too. The she spoke sharply to me, "Stop worrying about me. I'm okay. I'm not alone. You have a whole life ahead of you and a wonderful husband. Go back and be a good wife to him. Be happy again!" She was kind of mad at me. All I could say was that I knew she was right. Then she said she had to go back and I have to go back. I said okay. She got up and went back through her door and as she did, I turned and went back through my door. As soon as I passed though my door. I could see my body sleeping in the bed. I sped like a bullet to it and as soon as I hit my body I woke up. Then I went back to sleep and the whole dream came back to me the next morning. I hope this will help others with their grief. I have more to share if you think it might help. I don't know why I was chosen for this, I am an ordinary woman and not so perfect and good. I have sins too. But I do seem to have a special connection and I know that I am blessed. Respectfully submitted, Nicole

I just did a quick search. Not really getting deep into it. Is it ' Anterograde amnesia '? (WOW, reading part of that in the " en.wikipedia.org ", I find that benzodiazapines can cause this 'disease' also. Just even more stuff my doc never told me...more research I need to do)

lee676, What I am about to tell you is going to sound a little unconventional, but because your experiences and symptoms are almost identical to mine, I would be very interested in talking to you directly. From what youve written here so far, I am almost certain your problems are much less associated with the serious mental illnesses you describe than you think. I too struggled mightily with irregular sleeping patterns, opiate dependency, ADD, back pain  the whole gamut. Every one of the problems youÂve described is related. I do believe you have a touch of an anxiety disorder, combined with a tremendous amount of repressed stress. The memory loss is almost certainly a byproduct of continued opiate use. Find yourself a doctor to prescribe "Subutex" or "Suboxone", and get off of that stuff as soon as you are able. It ainÂt easy, I know it  but these medications will elminate the physical withdrawal symptoms. The best way to rid yourself of anxiety (you will certainly sleep better when you do) is through education. All of the therapy in the world will get you nowhere unless you learn all about the physiology behind the disorder, why it happens, what is actually happening to your body, and the toughest one  why. I was able to overcome a severe panic disorder with these tools alone, and able to rid myself of back pain forever through the work of Dr. John Sarno. He has written several books on the subject, with the latest titled "The Divided Mind". IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS BOOK. You have nothing to lose but $12 on Amazon or Half.com. It will change your life, and you will see yourself on every page. I too had a zillion half-finished projects  everything you described. It is all attributed to repressed stress. Once you learn to "think psychologically" and discover all of the reasons your mind is causing these problems, you will be able to quickly rid yourself of nearly all of your symptoms. I am not affiliated with this doctor in any way; I am just one of the thousands of patients that have benefited from his work. It is written in laymans terms, and you donÂt need a psychology degree to apply his theories. Reducing sugar, nicotine (all stimulants), improving your diet and exercising regularly are of course all-important pieces to the puzzle. Your mind cannot be healthy without the rest of your body in balance. The interesting part you will discover, if you read his book, is that the mind plays tricks on your body  when there are particular experiences your subconscious mind does not want to deal with, it will use a "triggerÂ, and take a past injury or malady that can mask the new physical symptoms that develop. Why is it that we accept life-long back injuries, but expect a broken arm to heal up, good as new? The back-pain industry is HUGE  and has become almost fashionable. Your pain and psychological symptoms are very real; but they are rooted in the psychological. Investigate this  you will find the solution. Please feel free to write me privately if you would like to learn more. devilz67

Hey guys, Thanks to all that took the time to answer. I appreciate it. I know my post was long and I'm not very good at communicating this way. Yes, costs are a consideration... but not the main thing. We have had communication "issues" in the past with this vet and her office staff and we are trying to rectify this. Although, I don't think we are getting anywhere. For instance, when we took the new pups in for the second set of shots (the rescue shelter had given the pups the first set of shots, but we missed the time frame by 6 days (it was unavoidable on our part) so the vet insisted that the first shots wouldn't count). After the exam she sent in a vet tech to finish up and we specifically asked what would be needed on the next visit for puppy shots (what we considered the 3rd set but the vet said they were the second set) and we were told that there was no charge for the actual visit because there was no need for an exam, it was considered just a follow up visit, and then given a list of shots needed. I had it figured at 57 dollars... and that is after i told them that it wasn't just the money due that was the problem, it was not knowing ahead of time and we are not willing to face surprise charges (when possible, of course, we are not talking about emergency situations or diagnostics). So... here we are with the pups in the exam room, on time, according to the vets strict shedule for time allowed between sets of puppy shots and just to be doubly sure I mention this to the vet tech who sees us and the pups before the vet does. She tells me there must be some confusion (picture heavy sighs and eye rolls from DH and I.. here we go again) and I explained to her that the confusion must be on their part, not ours, because we specifically asked on the last visit about this. She tells me this is "impossible'. I tell her it is not only possible but, sadly, highly possible and par for the course. Geesh! She then asks me who the vet tech was on that visit. I tell her I don't know her name (it's hard to keep track, there are new and different employee's, including this one, every time we visit and this is, again, after we have told them that we want all communication on record and that we neeed to know what to expect, moneywise, beforehand... surprises are no longer accepted) but it should be on the record, no? Silly me, eh? We tell her we want to speak with the vet.. she scurries off and comes back just as quickly...says things will be straightened out. Starts to leave again, as she does we spot the vet tech from the previous visit. We tell her that is her, she's the one that gave us the info. Much wispering and not so whipering conversations going on in the hall. At this point it is bordering on the absurd. I open the door and ask the vet to talk to us.. she says take it up with the office manager and walks away. My DH was boiling. Anyway, office manager tells us same thing... it is impossible that anyone could have told us this. At this point door is opened and i see the vet again... she tells me that this is not up for discussion and that if I don't agree with the exam fee and a few other puppy shots that we were, also, told previously that were not needed, that we can go to petco! I was furious and told her that even petco has scheduled shot days and if we left now, the pups would, again, be off the allowed puppy shot period, thus forcing us to negate the 2nd set of shots just as we had to negate the first set. Her reply was that a week or so wouldn't matter!! My DH had taken us to the vets office directly from work... he works construction, very hard work... he had not even had a chance to take his boots off. He was tired to begin with. Now he was exhausted and pis*ed, too. We gave up in sheer frustration. What was supposed to cost 57 dollars now costs us 147 dollars! Ugh! We didn't even have 147 dollars. It simply wasn't in the budget for that week. Don't forget, we did try to budget for this. Also, on the Rimadyl thing, I struggled with the issue when Toby needed it. I knew it was a risk but he was in so much pain that if there were no relief I would have had to put him down. He was crying at night and could never find a comfortable position. The Rimadyl was a miracle drug for him. My concern for the pups is because the vets office says that there isn't much risk for young pups. I'm not sure I believe that. And I do know that there are lots of other meds out there. What I need to know is which ones to ask for and which ones will work with less risk. There, surely, must be standard meds for post surgical pain? As to folks who say that the pups won't need pain meds? Maybe not for 5 to 7 days...but I do believe that they will need some pain meds. I don't subscribe to the thought that they (animals) don't need them even for such things as dew claw removal, neutering and tail docking (as newborn pups or older) and such. I remember when hospitals routinely did circumcision (no anestectic) on human babies. I didn't understand THAT thought process then, never mind that it came from doctors. It took a nurse to prove just how excruciating the pain actually was/is. She instinctively knew that the cries from these babies were cries of pain. Nobody listened to her. She taped recorded the different cries of babies. Clearly, you could hear the terror and pain in the cries. It seems so foolish to me that doctors would think otherwise. I know that when I had abdominal surgery I was very, very sore and in pain for more than 24 hours. I won't over medicate them. I'll observe them and see what they need for how long. But I also won't under medicate them. Hey, maybe I will end up taking the pups somewhere else. Still, I'd like to know ahead of time what pain meds are effective and not risky. Thanks again, Silly