Husband is watching porn because my menopause zapped my libido

13 years ago

I have caught my husband more then once doing his thing awhile watching porn on the computer. He is self employed and is home a lot. I work 9-5 M-F. Our house is a mess. He has ADHD ( adult) and I have had a series of major illnesses - cancer, Hep C, RH, I was in a car accident and have neck disks bulging, two lumbar disks bulging, and a torn meniscus that needs to be operated on. I have ZERO sex drive. My husband seemed to be ok with it. Little did I know that he was doing this porn thing...

I am devastated because all of my health issues ate not my fault. I am doing whatever my doctors tell me to do. I supply him with all of his health insurance and I have managed to save quite a sum of money so we can retire and live well. And now tis... I am 1-2 years away from retiring.

What should I do? He will not talk to me about this. I am so hurt and embarrassed be use I have stuck up for him over and over again when others (mostly my single women friends) would tell me that all men are pigs and all they think about is sex, etc... I would say "not my husband" he would never hurt me that way. Well it is a bunch of garbage. He has, and i feel like i have been punched in the gut. My priority is to get healthy. If that means no sex because it hurts, i dont have the desire and other reasons, what am i expected to do, fake it? Any advice out there? I think I should get a divorce because he is not helping me. I know men have "needs" but is that all there is for them? Get their orgasm no matter what the cost is to the relationship?

I am devastated because all of my health issues are not my fault. I am doing whatever my doctors tell me to do. I supply him with all of his health insurance and I have managed to save quite a sum of money so we can retire and live well. And now tis... I am 1-2 years away from retiring.

What should I do? He will not talk to me about this. I am so hurt and embarrassed be use I have stuck up for him over and over again when others (mostly my single women friends) would tell me that all men are pigs and all they think about is sex, etc... I would say "not my husband" he would never hurt me that way. Well it is a bunch of garbage. He has, and i feel like i have been punched in the gut. My priority is to get healthy. If that means no sex because it hurts, i dont have the desire and other reasons, what am i expected to do, fake it? Any advice out there? I think I should get a divorce because he is not helping me. I know men have "needs" but is that all there is for them? Get their orgasm no matter what the cost is to the relationship?

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Comments (2)

tazmoana
Original Author
13 years ago
Sorry the initial message has double sentences and mis-spelled words. I think you all get the gist of what I am asking. I am so hurt. Crushed. I don't know what to do. If I say I still love him, which I do, you will all think "why"? But I do love him. He has many good, wonderful qualities. But when it comes to tis, he is the worst. I am not speaking to him right now. I am looking into divorce. And I will continue to take care of myself because that is what I must do. Obviously he is not the partner and soul mate I thought he wad. He is very selfish.
cube1067
13 years ago
You really feel that he should give up his desire for sex because YOU don't want sex any longer? He owes you his libido because your job gives him all the benefits.
Hubby should find a discreet other woman who has no desire to take him away from you. He should build "away" time into his schedule so as not to cause you any alarm, have occasional discreet visits, and come home to you a more happy man, willing to do housework.
Or are you saying he should not find a way to make himself happy sexually? His sexual pleasure should be a thing of the past, since it is a thing of the past for you. He owes it to you to suffer too, is that what you are saying.
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i am menopausal at 53. I live with a 32 year old man. We do fine. Sex has many dimensions. First see what vitamins you need. Sometimes lack of energy is the problem. I do ten hour shifts at times, and I sleep a lot when that happens. Sex? I tell him to go do some porn. So jobs can just mess things up. Porn, by the by, can turn you on too if you take time to find what you like to hear and see. Trust me, its out there. Take time to get turned on if he won't do it. If he won't then maybe you need someone else. If he will, experiment. You are sex researcher Dr. Cocktease, and you are going to see what gets the nights hot. Play. make up stories. Fun is something that does wonders for everyone. Do different places. Do you have a yard or go camping? Tents can be fun. We set up one in our living room and played camping like kids once and had a great time. Consider that while the body might have problems (I have serious hip arthritis, for instance), the mind is the most important sex organ there is. Think about what made sex good in the past. Think about stuff you are intrigued by but never did. Imagine these things, find pics of them, watch videos if those are good. Read stories on the web or write ones of what you think would be the best sex night (a great candlelit bath with flowers, a nice night taking turns doing rubs, whipped cream on parts being licked off, pretend meeting for the first time somewhere, dirty talk, whatever) and make time to do them. Get with yout man and talk about it. If you have hope of seeing results, this can turn things around.
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My no BS suggestion. Either the problem can be fixed or it can't, but you don't yet know what it is. He may be a homosexual, in which case you can't fix it. Or, he may have a sexual interest that he is too embarrassed to tell you about. Figure it out -- you need to snoop on his computer or into his stash of porn and find out what it is that gets his motor going. It may be something you can use. It is still fantasy, and your reality can push it aside. Given his sweet personality, I would guess that his proclivities are on the submissive side, but he does not have the guts to come out to you. There are lots of ways a woman can tap into that without degrading yourself (just sift on the web past the degrading over the top male fantasy stuff, and find folks who have wrestled with your issue in a real relationship). If he is sincere, the first thing he needs to do is stop self-pleasuring. Within a few days you will look pretty good to him, but if he is getting his release apart from you that will completely dampen his ardor. This could well be a porn addiction case. Take away his computer privileges. Figure out if he is paying for porn sites. Be aggressive - you have a right to be mad, but you can save your marriage if it is saveable. Even if you figure out that his tastes are something you cannot abide, that will make it easier to move out. There are plenty of men that would love to love you, and in your 50s the quality of the men might be better even where their sexual prowess is less than 25 years before.
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It is good he has his children.I was under the impression he was all alone. Not to bring up the hormone thing again,but men dont handle estrogen well.Men usually arent quite as emotional as women are,and maybe the hormones are making him emotional now (talking about his childhood,etc) My grandfather had serious crying jags while on estrogen. How long is he going to be on the treatment for his prostate cancer? Is there any way you could at least wait until he is done treatment? It may change how he is feeling significantly. Or,are you just saying you just dont feel in love with him at anymore? Either way,he may be better of emotionally if you waited until his treatment is over.For my grandfather it was several months.Now he is doing alot better being off the hormones. If he finishes treatment and is still this depressed and wont get help,then I guess there isnt much you can do for him. Since you arent married,legally you cant MAKE him get help either.Maybe his children could. Sorry I was so harsh.I wish you well,doesnt sound like an easy situation for all involved.
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Husband is watching porn because my menopause zapped my libido

Comments (2)

tazmoana
Original Author

cube1067

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Husband is watching porn because my menopause zapped my libido

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tazmoanaOriginal Author

cube1067

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tazmoana
Original Author