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Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Posted by bellegirl (My Page) on
Mon, Dec 10, 07 at 22:29

I still remember that some of you were terribly concerned about me back in spring. I do appreciate that so much. You were all so kind and it does mean a lot, even from strangers. And I'm still so sorry I worried you.

But I am tough. I've been through so much in my life and I just keep going. Still..it does hurt.

I am still in my sexless marriage. He doesn't seem to care at all. A few months ago he sent me a poem that said (condensed) that he felt like two people - one married, trapped without fun and excitement and one longing to be free...to GO...to travel and have a good time. So I told him (in spite of the hurt) to just go. Go have fun. And he did. He took a long vacation by himself while I stayed home and went to work every day and took care of our place...the dogs, the chickens.

He gave me a hug before he left. That was the first hug in about four or five years. No kiss. When he got home I didn't even get a hug.

Yes, that bothers me. That hurts.

You see...this isn't the first time. My first marriage was miserable. He lied and cheated the whole time. All 16 years. He even wrote me a rant about how he was having trouble picking up women in bars and then got angry at me because I wasn't appropriately sympathetic about that. What? We were still married...I'm supposed to be sympathetic because he missed out on some nordic blonde in a Paris bar? PUH...LEEZE!

And now...this husband...he decided (and told me all of a sudden) several years ago that he "is not interested in sex any more". Of course, he IS interested in photographs of very young ladies without shirts on the internet. Just not with me. He has hundreds and hundreds of those pictures....they are all twenty something and well endowed...and not me.

So we are roommates. We don't argue. And more and more we separate ourselves. He has taken to sleeping in the guest room whenever we don't have guests. And he does his own laundry. I do mine. AND the towels and everything else like that. He is away most of the weekends when I'm home. I actually enjoy being home alone but I would be very happy to be with him IF he wanted to be with me. He doesn't. So I stay home and do the housework and the gardening. He goes off with his friends.

I can't help but think that it's me. I must be doing something wrong. Or not doing something right. I'm the common denominator. This IS the second time. I just don't know what it is. But I'm 57 years old. I have gray hair. I have arthritis and Crohns disease and I've gained weight from the size six I was when my husband told me he wasn't interested. Yeah. It's probably me. But why is it that I'm the only one who has to try? My husband is older than I am. And he isn't in the best shape either. He isn't going to star in any feature films...I wouldn't care. I just want him to care about me. I just want to be his favorite. That is all I have ever wanted. As the comedian says, "Is that so wrong?"

Someone wrote on one of these sad threads, "Why do all of you stay in these lonely marriages?" Well, I think it is because we are afraid we can't do any better. I've already said that I'm afraid it must be my fault. Living like this really etches away at your ego. This is real damage. Pretty soon you figure that you can't hope for more. I think we stay because we don't really think we can do any better out there. If this person that we have committed everything to, this person who has seen us naked already, this person who knows us and walked down the aisle with us...if THIS person can say, "I'm not interested," then what makes us think somebody else - somebody BETTER - would do any different?

As for me...I don't know what I would do if he turned back to me now. If he decided he was in the mood I would probably hit him on the head. I'd be so embarrassed! I would feel utterly inadequate after being rejected so completely for so long. At this point...hey, let me have a little dignity, please. I sure don't have anything else. He would have to do some serious courting before I'd crawl back in bed with him. And I would never get over being nervous and self conscious.

And that's from a really lonely - pathetically lonely - woman!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

It's not you....


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Gee, don't blame yourself, please...don't.

You like it when he is not there, well...what does that suggest ?


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Whap! Thanks, you needed that slap. Puhleeze, stop being such a pathetic doormat. How long do you think life is? You have gray hair... so what? Will it be any easier for you to take charge of your life when it goes white?

Buy yourself a box of Loving Care, gray formula, and butch up.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

What do you want? You've made it clear, you dont' want him, even if he offers. So what are you doing?

I'm not one to encourage divorce, but to martyr yourself is crazier still.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

"Someone wrote on one of these sad threads, "Why do all of you stay in these lonely marriages?" Well, I think it is because we are afraid we can't do any better."
Well, it seems to me that since you're happier when he isn't there, and he's pretty much a cypher in your life anyway, you'd be better off without him, whether you "did better" or not. Even if you never hooked up with another man, could you be any more lonely than you are now? I hazard the thought you would even be less lonely, because you wouldn't be sharing your space with a man who made you feel inadequate.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

"Well, I think it is because we are afraid we can't do any better."

I suspect you've already seen that being alone is better than living with a puttering muttering sputtering constant reminder that you're not loved the way you deserve to be.

If you stop thinking in terms of 'finding someone else' and start thinking in terms of 'building a better life for myself' then you'll be on the right track.

It's a difficult step, I know (having taken it), but one you'll never regret.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

OK, I got the message. Your life hasn't turned out the way you expected. Or the way you "deserve"...or however else you might choose to describe it. Doesn't much matter. This is now, and this is how it is...and will be, unless....

Some people sit and mope...which is what it seems to me you're doing. Some people get up and get going. You're the only one that knows which one you really are. I suggest you schedule one more pity-party and then forget it and get going again.

From what you've written, it seems to me you're living in wishes. This is your life. You've only got one of them. Act. If you don't, you'll be 58 next year and nothing will have changed.

If you're satisfied with how things are, please disregard.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

I really agree with scarlett2001.

I think you CAN do better,you just dont want to try.

My mom just went through a similar thing as you,and she is about the same age.
Being a grandmother and being married for so long,she didnt want to move on.She didnt think anyone would want her either.
But once single,after the crying and heartache,she started losing weight,she started wearing sexier clothes,She dyed her hair blonde...and wouldnt you know there were ALOT men who wanted her! She finally found someone and is REALLY happy.
I dont think I have ever seen her this happy.

I know seems scary because you are used to things being a certain way.But your husband says he's not happy,and you definitely do not sound happy either.
I think you should move on too.Wouldnt it be better to be alone,then to have him make you feel as he does? Dont settle...you owe it yourself.Life is too short to be so unhappy.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Well, thank you all for the comments. I don't think I really made myself clear, though. Probably because (as Asolo so smartly pointed out) I was kind of wallowing in self pity last evening. I do that. Wish I didn't. But I do.

I was not actually asking for a solution. I made promises when I married and I take those very seriously. And I've done the math here for quite a few years. Yes, it's lonesome. No, it's not what I had in mind. It isn't even what I had reason to expect when I married this time. It wasn't like this in the beginning.

But I have no intention of leaving. I have a lot invested here - literally. When we married I was the one who had a house and that went a long way toward buying the place we have now. If we split up, so does this place and it's all I have. Half of it isn't enough to keep either of us in rent.

I went through one horrific divorce and came out with something (not much but something). But that was southern CA and that's a community property state. This isn't and what we have isn't worth nearly that much. So, for practical reasons alone, I won't leave. My ex is now a millionaire and I will have to work until I drop. (sigh) But I do have a home. It's not fancy or worth a lot of money but it's rural and private and pleasant and I like it.

Besides that, I don't hate my husband. Far from it, in fact. I am just very disappointed. And I get very lonely and sad. I guess what I wanted from this post was a bit of encouragement. I read so many posts by women who seem to be in similar situations...I just thought that there might be a bit of comfort. Well...just goes to show, doesn't it? If I knew how to get what I want I wouldn't be in this mess.

A few of you seem to have gotten the impression that I am happier alone than when my husband is home. That is not exactly right. I do enjoy the time I spend by myself because I get busy and work in my garden or do some chores around my house. I enjoy that. But not the way I would enjoy an affectionate spouse. I would much prefer to have his company IF I felt that he really wanted to be with me. That is the part that troubles me. He spends so much time elsewhere that it seems to me that he would rather be someplace else than with me during the short times I am home from work. If he doesn't WANT to be with me...well...I don't want to inflict myself on anyone. I only meant that I don't just sit and cry when he isn't around. Or, for that matter, when he is. I make a HUGE effort - usually successful, I think - to be upbeat and positive. I don't complain or pick fights. I try very hard not to give him reasons to want to be elsewhere. And for the short times he is with me he doesn't really seem miserable. He just doesn't treat me like a wife but rather like a roommate or a casual friend. I can only assume that it's enough for him because he is definitely setting the pace here. But it sure leaves me feeling rejected.

I do value the (somewhat unexpected) advice you all have given, though. Thank you all for your concern and suggestions.

"From what you've written, it seems to me you're living in wishes. This is your life. You've only got one of them. Act. If you don't, you'll be 58 next year and nothing will have changed." Asolo, you are always wise. Not always tactful - go ahead and laugh - but you do cut through the brush. You are quite right. I am living in wishes. And you are right that it's pointless. What I need to do is figure out some way to more fully enjoy the life I have. I don't really expect much change from the outside but maybe I can change what I am wishing for.

Still, I think that the desire for a kind word -a hug now and then, I friendly glance, a compliment - is a real human need. If you are fortunate to have those things you probably don't even give them a thought. But imagine for a moment if you didn't have any of them. If the "thank you" at the fast food window was the friendliest thing you would hear all day...might you not even write a pitiful, whiny post online at night hoping for something more? Pathetic? Yes. But understandable, I think.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

We get it. You made vows to this man and still want to honor those vows. That is commendable. Too few people do that these days. And you have financial reasons for staying also.

What I would do just to arm myself for future contingencies would be to consult a legal professional regarding the property. If the proceeds from your personal property prior to marriage was used to purchase this property then you may have a larger equity than he does. All I'm saying is arm yourself with information because while you can control what you do, you cannot control what he does and you definitely do not want to get caught flat footed.

Just a thought


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

We get it. You made vows to this man and still want to honor those vows. That is commendable. Too few people do that these days. And you have financial reasons for staying also.

What I would do just to arm myself for future contingencies would be to consult a legal professional regarding the property. If the proceeds from your personal property prior to marriage was used to purchase this property then you may have a larger equity than he does. All I'm saying is arm yourself with information because while you can control what you do, you cannot control what he does and you definitely do not want to get caught flat footed.

Just a thought


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here - 2

Didn't mean to repeat myself. Now if I can just figure out how that happened.-----------


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Although I sympathize with the sadness/disappointment that you feel, I gathered from your post that you were looking for ideas/ways to improve your situation, or to aid your ability to rise above it. I liked asolo's advice, it made sense to me and did not seem tactless. I know a few people that could benefit from hearing and understanding what he wrote.

It seems to me that you are looking for a kind word or a pat on the back for putting up with your inattentive dh? I don't think you are ever going to get what it is you need from your spouse, you can either accept that for what it is, or try to achieve it in other ways, or with other people.
You say you try your best to make home life in a way that he won't want to be elsewhere when you are home...that you don't pick fights? Really, who does? An argument usually arises when one person feels something is amiss, and it's necessary to clear the air between two people who must live together in close quarters. Not that any man looks forward to having arguments with his wife, but if you are avoiding bringing up issues you know will make him angry but are important to the well being of your relationship, than your relationship is being hindered, and not developing and evolving. That's part of a relationship, the dance two people do, when things are good, and when things aren't and need to be worked out.

Whatever you do, I hope you find a more contented place to be, because as many have pointed out, life IS too short!
Best wishes to you.


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Dont beat yourself up about the pity party.

Since divorce isnt an option for you,why not try to get some hobbies or hang out with some friends? Sounds like your hubby does alot without you and maybe that's one reason why you feel so lonely.Maybe if you had other things to focus your time on...

I guess this is a shot in the dark,but is there anyway hubby would go to counseling with you?


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Hi bellegirl- (in Italian belle means 'beautiful')

Everyone once in a while the mood strikes and I begin mulling over my own situation which is similar to yours. Mine has been this way off and on from the very beginning. Aging hasn't helped much either and got worse as time went on.

You seem to be seeking comfort or a solution to your situation with your DH. I don't think that there is one. The reason being that you can't control your DH. He may not want to change or he feels he can't. (how old is he?) I think he is in his late 50's.

I learned that the only way to live comfortably within the context of the situation is to accept it. Yes, there will be times when sad feelings come but eventually the expectation of change diminishes and eventually leaves. That sounds kind of horrible, doesn't it? But, on the up side, the emotional roller coaster ride ends.

As always, it is a choice. It depends on you and whether you want to live that way. You have to reach your "rock bottom". When that occurs, you will have to make a decision to accept it and live at peace with it or reject it and move on.

Most of the time, I think, people in this situation feel like they are stuck in limbo. It is astonishing to the rejected person that they should find themselves in such an "odd" situation. They feel like they fell down the rabbit hole (as in Alice in Wonderland) and can't figure out how to get out! That is how I felt for the longest time. I couldn't understand why I was in such an unusual situation. In the early years of my marriage, it was obvious to any outside observer that there was something wrong. How does a person in that kind of a marriage explain to friends/family such a personal hurt? It is so humiliating. People who find themselves in such a relationship are engaged in a macabre dance with a spouse who is happy to remain that way.

The only way to help yourself (if you stay) is to stop dancing.

In the meantime, as much as sex is important and the loss of it is painful to your emotions, you can live without it. You can make a conscious decision to stop thinking about how you are being "cheated" by your spouse. I think that a lot of the other issues that crop up in relationships that have this issue, are caused by the defensive reactions of the rejector. It is like an electric current that has to be cut off. The rejected one is hurt and becomes hostile. The rejector becomes defensive. They rejector takes the stance that the rejected one is the aggressor and start to twist it around and use it as "their" excuse. When you stop playing the game then that ends.

You can still have a "nice" life together. Go places, do things and share interests. If and when sex comes up, you can engage in it on the rejector's terms if you want. I think, though, that at some point you won't even care about it any more. You will be able to take it or leave it. You realize that your feelings and needs were unmet by your spouse and saying "no" after being told "no" for so long doesn't matter to you at all.

If you want to be happy in the situation, you simply cannot make sex the center of your universe. If it was important at one time, you have to let it go.

Imagine that you wanted to be a fireman or cop but were too short when you grew up and couldn't be it. It was a dream that you had from when you were a kid. You let it go and find something else to be.

So, I'm wondering, did I help?


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RE: Hi! Surprise! I'm still here

Have you told DH how you feel ?

Perhaps you need to take up a new interest, to broaden your conversational choices, and let him see that you are an interesting person.

I think when we get older we stagnate a bit.

I have found myself doing that a bit, and I make a conscious effort to do new things. For instance just last week I had to go on a toboggan down a track (scarey!!), then I had to challenge myself to get into a waterslide (scarey).

I am not suggesting you go to those lengths, though !

Go and get your hair cut, a new outfit, some new recipes, some new designs for the garden, ask a friend around for coffee. Make some cakes. Lots of things to try.

All the best...please move away from lonely thoughts, if you can't find the comfort you crave from DH, perhaps you need to get it from a friend, sibling, child.

Good luck.

P


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