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How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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Posted by michiganagain (My Page) on Sat, Dec 22, 07 at 21:41
| My husband of 9 years has cut me off. We have a 10 month old baby who is the joy of our lives but other than the baby, I feel like we are just roomies. He refuses my advances over and over. [FYI, I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight.] How many times can you ask for sex and be rejected before it starts to wear you down emotionally? How can I have a discussion that starts with, 'I know you masturbate to on-line porn every night after I go to bed.' without sounding wounded and like a disapproving mom (which technically, I guess I am!)? I feel like we're heading for a divorce. He doesn't ever want to talk about it and says this is all temporary. He says that he 'feels differently about sex now that he's a dad.' I don't understand - sex has never been a problem for us. I feel like we're roommates who happen to have a kid together. How do you find a way to talk about this without begging or threatening or scolding? Any advice? Any idea what he means about fatherhood changing your attitude toward sex? |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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| Having a baby changes a lot. After having a baby I absolutelly didnot want sex for a very long time. I still wanted intimacy but not sex. i remember that I was selfish denying sex to my then husband. I had hard time explaining why i had such a tough time having sex. It is almost like my body became something different, like something to give birth or to nurse, but not to have sex and he became a father not a man to have sex with. It is something psychological on a deep level, tough to explain here. It felt like my role changed so the role of my body had to change. Over time this problem went away by normal sex life with my now X husband never came to normal. I have no problem having sex now of course, but my marriage is over for many years. My now boyfriend told me that after the birth of their second child his X didnot ever wanted sex, like never. If it effects women then i think it might effect men the same way. Like he looks at you as his baby's mother not somebody to have sex with. Hopefully it will go away but it can destroy your relationship. make him talk about it, maybe go to counseling together. Don't let it ruin your mariage. |
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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| For the time being, try to put aside your feelings of hurt and rejection. I understand that they're there, and that you've got a perfect right to feel that way -- but put them away for a bit because they will cloud up the issue with hurt feelings and anger, and what you two really need is a productive problem-solving session. Right now, your marriage is in a rough patch. I don't know if it has reached crisis proportions yet, but without a change, it certainly can and probably will. So this issue is a big problem that deserves both of your full attention and effort. It's time for a sit down open and honest conversation. Michigan - You need to promise not to be overly emotional. Not to scream, yell, cry, throw things, accuse, blame or point fingers. Tell your husband that you will make the effort to do that, but that in turn, you need to ask him to be completely honest with you. Tell him how much you love him, and that you need his support and the emotional intimacy you got from love-making in the past. Tell him you understand things have changed - how could they not? (Every couple's sex life changes after the birth of a baby.) But that to be a good wife and mother, you still need some of the same closeness and romance that you two shared before your baby was born. That to be good parents and build a good family, you need a strong and committed marriage -- one that includes physical and emotional intimacy. Then listen. If he vaguely promises to "do better" you'll have to gently ask to dig a little deeper. I'd expect to hear some version of Madonna/Whore conflict -- There's a middle ground there if you two can find it. (Heck, the Catholic church can find it.) Again, don't accuse about the porn. Help him find his way back to you. And if you can't do it alone, bring in a counselor to help you both work through it. It's to important to let this aspect of your marriage die. |
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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| Thank you for your advice Sweeby and Finedreams. I am trying hard not to push my husband or hound him about his porn use. We had a mini break through the other night. It wasn't great or sensual (actually kind of unappealing) but it's a start, right? God, I hate this. I knew having a baby would be hard work and draining but I never saw this coming. |
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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| I'm assuming he was there when you were in labor and had the baby? Not to be totally weird, but watching a baby come out of the region that you're normally used to sticking a certain part of your own anatomy, all while your wife is moaning and in a good deal of pain probably doesn't instill a whole lot of "ooh-boy, I can't wait to have sex again!" feelings in some men -- or so some of my brothers-in-law have been honest enough to admit to me. Your husband may be having some trouble getting over the imagery of seeing something roughly the size of a loaf of bread come slithering out between your thighs, and may be thinking, "Yeah, I just can't go back there again right now." Sorry for the imagery ;) Or, he may just be overwhelmed with being a dad. Maybe he's having trouble seeing you as anything but a mother now. Maybe he's just tired. The thing you really need to do is talk to him about this; find out what's really bothering him. If he won't/can't talk to you, then counseling is probably a good idea. One page with some advice can be found here. |
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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| The best gift you could give yourself is to find your own sexuality. "dress for success" definitely applies here. I think many women lose touch with their high heeled, long flowing hair, made-up, sexy clothing selves. I have 5 kids and every day without fail I get up, showered, make-up, and put together an outfit that makes me feel sexy whether I am leaving the house or not. It may be jeans, heels and a blouse...whatever makes me feel good. If you feel it...they will too. Many women approach their men in formula stained sweats with no makeup on and then scratch their heads and wonder why he isn't stoked. I am not saying this is you...but if it is...get dressed!!! and before you know it, he will see the hotness that you always knew was there and not just his baby's momma!!!! I know it sounds like we are feeding the sexist idealogy...but it works for both of you...you feel better, he feels better, why not? |
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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| To respond the comments from rivkadr -- I had a c-section. The closest my husband came to seeing anything gory was when I had a bloody nose. Well, he might have seen my intestines or something during the surgery but I'm sure if it would have the same effect as witnessing childbirth. Not sure if I understand the whole 'Madonna/Whore thing'. It seems like a very immature view of sexuality. Maybe it's a guy thing. And thanks to true_panacea, I need to purge my wardrobe of all my pregnancy clothes (I'm wearing a maternity sweatshirt as I write this) -- they are ghastly. |
RE: How can I beg without sounding pathetic?
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For some guys it takes a little while to get back to where they were before the birth of a baby. For others, they are looking at the hospital bed and wondering what happens if they draw the curtains. You know your guy--and confronting him about porno is not going to help. As a matter of fact when older men have problems, watching porno is sometimes recommended. Counselors suggest older couples watch romantic and even sexy movies together. Women can have sex without giving it their entire attention, men aren't that lucky. They don't operate well under pressure.
At 10 months I am sure you are back to feeling energetic again. I would make sure to get outside as much as possible, get some exercise even if its walking the baby inside a mall. Be pleasant with him, but concentrate on other things, learn some funny jokes, interesting things you can talk about with him. Buy playboy and laugh about the cartoons together. |
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