You really feel that he should give up his desire for sex because YOU don't want sex any longer? He owes you his libido because your job gives him all the benefits. Hubby should find a discreet other woman who has no desire to take him away from you. He should build "away" time into his schedule so as not to cause you any alarm, have occasional discreet visits, and come home to you a more happy man, willing to do housework. Or are you saying he should not find a way to make himself happy sexually? His sexual pleasure should be a thing of the past, since it is a thing of the past for you. He owes it to you to suffer too, is that what you are saying.

Boy it took a load off my mind reading other people's posts on this topic. It's a hard one to talk about with any of the 'normal' people you would talk to about things in your life. I realize the original poster is a woman discussing issues with her husband and I'm glad she isn't upset that men are 'hijacking' her post and discussing their own sexless marriages. I met my wife about 8 years ago and started dating just over 7 years ago. We got married in 2004. In my case my wife and I are the exact same age nearly 40 and just had twin boys a year ago; our only children as she had a tubal ligation during the C-section delivery. Our sex life was phenomenal during our first few years and I thought I had met someone with a 'matching sex drive' both for frequency and 'adventurism', although it hadn't been all that great even the last six months before we got married, but it was 'survivable' because while the frequency wasn't much and kept declining to the point of once every few months after we got married, the sex itself was awesome and not just 'orgasmic'. It also seemed that when we started trying to get her pregnant that maybe things were turning around. Not only were we having sex more frequently, but it seemed that we were laughing together more and definitely spending more time together outside the bedroom also. Unfortunately, the last time we had sex or physical intimacy beyond a brief 'closed mouth' kiss and a hug was the day she told me she was pregnant. Nothing since... over a year and a half now. I'm nearly at wit's end as my libido is and always has been very active, and while masturbation can 'take the edge off' it isn't really satisfying and becomes less so after becoming the only sexual stimulation you get. An affair isn't an option as I made a vow and that is more important to me than I can say in words, and would simply add guilt and self-loathing to my misery of not having sex with my wife. I asked her if maybe there was something physical she could ask her doctor about... she didn't talk to me for days. I've suggested counseling a few times and her attitude is that it would be basically worthless, but that if I wanted to go alone I was welcome to...great...thanks. The few times I've tried to 'come on to her' she has treated me like some creepy cousin at a family reunion, and when I try to kiss her and maybe rub her shoulder or back a bit in bed she literally flinches. That got me to the point of changing my bedtime to be well after hers just to avoid the temptation to touch her. We still sleep nude in the same bed so that seemed most prudent...but sad and frustrating. I've tried suggesting 'date nights' which she'll agree to but once it's 'date night' she's always 'too tired' and just wants to sit and watch TV; which I'm very picky about... not controlling the remote doesn't bother me as I would just as soon read as watch almost any TV, but there is stuff I just won't watch and my wife knows it, but she won't do anything else like go to a movie, or even just sit outside and watch the sunset. I know she's not cheating for too many reasons to count, but trust me... here is just one reason... she ain't the type to have sex with unshaven legs, and I don't mean 'stubble'... and she has gone weeks at a time without shaving since the pregnancy started. She really is a great person, a wonderful mother, good with animals and treats almost everyone she meets with respect and kindness... except me. I'm terrified that if our marriage melts to the point I'm miserable all the time I will be forced to get a divorce which in our country means I lose my boys. I'm not sure I can take that honestly. I never thought I would love something or someone so fiercely but I just can't imagine not seeing and playing with my boys every day. So what do I do? It's horrible that the only reason I'm not seriously contemplating divorce is that in our culture and legal system simply due to the fact that I have a penis I would never be given daily custody of my children unless she was simply incapable of caring for them... ala Brittany Spears... and thank God my children do have a mother who absolutely can and does care for them. So I reiterate 'what's a guy to do?' Any suggestions would be very welcome! Peace

Wow! I am non-denominational, because denomination is man's doing, not Gods. However, there is no place in the Bible that states, it is a sin to use birth control. Catholicism promotes letting nature take it's course, we have all witnessed how that theory works in Africa. Yes, the population is growing too fast, the effects on our eco system have been profound. Take for example the rain forests, because of population growth, the need for fuel (wood), grazing land, and crops, are rain forests are being destroyed. Keep in mind the rain forests provide our earth with 60% of it's oxygen. So, at the rate we're going, with hundreds of acres being destroyed daily, what difference does it make to have a pack of kids, we're killing ourselves slowly but surely. Let's be realistic, without being disrespectful. Any number of different faiths may suggest or strictly promote the non-use of birth control. I do not believe anyone or any institution has a right to dictate what a husband and wife should do regarding children or birth control. Why in the world would anyone think a kind and loving God would punish you because you didn't want to have more children. This is not God's suggestion, it is the churches, guidelines that were written centuries ago. Any church or religion should respect a couples right to determine how many children they are willing to conceive, it is afterall, the parents responsibility to feed, clothe, and educate these children. I doubt that any particular religious institution will be willing to step in and suplement incomes! In reality, it sounds as if MLS is possibly involved in a religious faith that stresses "submission" to the husbands. All to often "submission" is taken out of context, it does not translate to "slavery." The fear of pregnancy can zap the life out of any sexual desire. For many reasons, having two babies before you even had the chance to get comfortable in your marriage only made it that much more difficult. Not to mention 2 little ones within such a short period of time, no doubt sent waves of terror through your husband. For you having two toddlers put's a lot of stress and responsibility on your shoulders, not to mention the work involved. You must be exhausted at the end of the day. Sex quite possibly being the last thing on your mind. I don't know what faith you are affiliated with, but for the sake of your marriage and to re-ignite a little passion, without fear, I would consider the use of some form of BC. Using a ovulation detector is probably not the best idea, sperm can live for some time, putting you at risk for an unwanted pregnancy. Talk with your husband, tell him how you feel, and find out how he feels. He may very well be afraid of impregnating you once again, which is why his sex drive is low. (reluctance rather than lack of drive) If I were in your position, I would turn to the word of God, the Bible, you will not find any verse that suggests it is a sin to use b.c. It does say "be fruitful and multiply," and you've done that. All of your posts are obviously heart felt, and sincere, it is touching to see how women really care for one another, and want to support and help as much as they can. (the men too) love the opinions from the male point of view. I think as long as we keep in mind that we are all here to offer that support, even if we disagree with one another, that the words that we share are all meant to be helpful. It's okay to disagree, we all come from different backgrounds, cultures, religions, etc. I respect everyone's opinions, and I am grateful to all of you for your care and concern. Even if I do not happen to agree, I fully realize that it comes from the heart. What a beautiful gift, offered to one another. Afterall, it is what God wants from us, to love one another, to be compassionate, forgiving, it is evident here. Good luck MLS, talk openly to your husband.

cindy pond, Your comment about my doctor discussing it with me made the think back. I've been on the antidepressant since my mid-40's. At that time my doctor told me she figured my sex life was pretty much over with anyway. Now that I think about it, that wasn't a very nice thing to say! I still go to the same dr. office my particular practitioner has changed twice since then. Perhaps I'll talk to my new dr. about this. The thing is, Zoloft has worked very well for me for a long time so I hesitate to mess with that. Also, per my first post I never did have a strong sex drive in the first place. Now that I'm going through menopause I doubt it would make much difference even if I could switch drugs. Part of me wonders then, if I have no sex drive why am I complaining about not having sex? Because even though my husband assures me he loves me, and I believe him, I still feel unloved because of a lack of intimacy. I don't think he really needs intimacy honestly. So then I feel like I would just be making him do it to appease me, and that's no good. If I try to talk to him about this it will only put more pressure on him to again appease me, so I don't say anything. I have asked him a couple of times why we don't have sex anymore and he says "sex isn't everything" and mentions the hormone and drug interactions and says he just doesn't think about it anymore. But then I wonder if that's a lie because of the fact that I accidently caught him masturbating so he MUST think about it. When I think along those lines I think he's just bored with me or with our routine or maybe I just disgust him. But those tables could be turned so I can't be judgemental there. I realize all of you have made suggestions and I am making excuses. I guess this has become my venting place for my frustration because I am afraid to talk to any of my girlfriends about it.