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My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated in me

Posted by confused5704 (My Page) on
Thu, Dec 29, 11 at 16:02

So I am 22 and my husband is 36. I am pregnant and we have a two yr old together and he has two children from a previous marriage that are 10 & 11. My husband and I used to have sex all the time and recently ive caught him watching porn on his phone and he gets all upset and lies and says it wasnt him when no one else gets to his phone. This is not the first second or third time he has lied about porn. We almost divorced over it last time but i just gave up. I feel watching porn is cheating and he has known that since day one and everytime i catch him i ball my eyes out and he sees how much it hurts me but its like he doesnt care anymore. Last night i caught him again and he denied it of course so i went and cried away from him and now i am really depressed and feel he is unattracted to me. He never initiates sex hardly ever anymore and we are lucky if we have sex once a week now when we used to 2-4 times a week. I love him so much but its really starting to hurt me. We have been married 2 yrs and together for 4 and have been thru a lot of bad stuff and stuck thru it. Should i just ignore the porn and settle with havin sex every now and then amd wonder if he is thinkin of me or the porn girls? Everything else in our marriage is good except for the fact that he lies about the porn and sex has really decreases and i dont feel he is there emotionally for me as much as he used to. Am I crazy? Is this a common thing that i just need to give up on and deal with the fact he is so into porn? Please help me!!!???


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

He is going to lie about the porn because you have made such a big deal of it.just drop it,its no big deal, all men look at porn.you are only 22 ,with a young child and feeling insecure ,im sure if you you relax about it ,your husband will not feel the need to hide it .Iknow thats easier said than done,i was the same at your age.x


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Can't have meaningful opinion without knowing what it is you consider "porn".

Are we talking about Sports Illustrated swimsuit models or deep/dark S&M? We talking about constant obsessive/compulsive or once in a while?

"...all men look at porn...."

Umm.....no we don't.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

He watches the real actual porn like hardcore stuff. So i guess i am gonna have to give up on thinking i can get him to look at porn but i feel it is interfering with us and talking about it doesnt do anything. And him watching porn makes me feel i am not good wnough for him and that he couldnt be attracted to me cuz those women look better than me. He knows that it hurts me but does it anyway and lies about it. So im supposed to just leave it be and let him keep lying to me and let him watch as much as he wants? I tell him its fine just dont lie but he keeps lying!


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Lol,im sure you used to do at 36 asolo, or younger.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

I agree with tracy. Unless he's like so completely obsessed with porn that it dominates his every waking moment, I'd ignore it. You feeling insecure about not being as desirable as a porn star is unwarranted and probably because you're so young. Having sex once per week with a toddler and another one on the way and with your husband being 36 is actually pretty good. As far as him not initiating sex, maybe he likes it that you initiate, a lot of men do.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

@tracystoke....

"....im sure you used to do at 36 asolo, or younger."

I suspect you're probably "sure" of many things you know nothing about, this being among them.

@confused5704

"...real actual porn like hardcore stuff..."

"....i guess i am gonna have to give up...."

"He knows that it hurts me but does it anyway...."

"I tell him its fine just dont lie but he keeps lying!"

OK, so it's the real deal, but the rest is a bit mixed with you, I'd say. He likely lies about it out of shame and out of hoping he won't hurt you -- if he can keep you from knowing. The part about his knowing it does hurt you and not acting on that knowledge is troubling. Nobody feels good thinking they're being laid aside for a cyber substitute and since you've said your own sex lives have changed, it seems to me you've got a legitimate gripe.

You can talk about this, you know. Is it actually new or something he's always done? Does he just entertain himself once in a while or does he do it frequently and then masturbate? That's where the "substitution" part comes in. Nobody likes to feel that way.

"....couldnt be attracted to me cuz those women look better than me...."

Well, that's the silly part. The world is full of women who look better than you. They're all around all the time. Please don't hang your hat on that one.

"...I feel watching porn is cheating..."

Another silly one.

I do agree that men watching porn is pretty common. So is drinking. But most men don't have a problem with either. It becomes a "problem" when it affects other parts of your life. You've described that kind of "problem" but I think it would be well to be sure you're not making one where none really exists. To begin with, I wouldn't "tell him it's fine" when both of you know it isn't. Your relationship is being affected. Not good. Deserves attention.

The part I really don't understand is why you're unable to discuss it. Is he taking too much time with it -- time that should be yours? Is it substitution? Is he off on whips and chains and stuff he wishes you'd get interested in but you never have been? Is it an unattractive character trait that you've only recently discovered? and blah, blah, blah. You already know he's ashamed of it because he's seeking to hide it. I think you're entitled to a better perspective about it from him than you've described he's given you so far. This is your life. What's going on is already on the table. Don't understand why it can't be talked through. Seems work-outable to me, but I only know what you wrote.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Asolo,why do you come on here, you have no past experience,no kids, no wife ,no life ,no nothing,oh you read books a hell of a lot,I feel sorry for you,what a shame.I sugest you GET A LIFE.Oh I forgot you are looking after your mother,well I am looking after three kids and manage a life DO THE SAME PRICK.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

I have seldom encountered any who revel so in their own ignorance.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

We dont talk about it because every time i try to talk to him about it he keeps lying and saying he doesnt look or that they are pop ups that he gets and doesnt look at it but when i look at his search history it actually says things like "pussy dance" or something of that manor. So i have just given up on trying to talk civil about it cuz he doesnt wanna tell me the truth. As for how often does he do it? I dont really know. I dont always look at his phone but every time i do he has porn on his history somewhere. I think he mainly does it when im in the shower or at work or busy doin somethin and will be out of the room for a while. How can we work it out if all he ever does is deny it and gets all mad and defensive or lies and says they are pop ups but i know they are not because they are in his SEARCH history, something he searched for.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

I gotta say it sounds to me like you have other issue's it's not just the porn. I've been with my husband for almost 25 years, we've each had cell phones for about 11 years and I've never not once even been tempted to look at his phone. You must have trust issue's as well. Do you suspect him of cheating?


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

I don't know if you have a porn issue or not. You certainly DO have a trust issue. IMHO, that's more troublesome. Trust is the whole ball game. Also understand from this description why you can't talk about it. There's no basis for a conversation to proceed beyond sentence #2. That's very un-good.....and dangerous.

I'd suggest getting this in front of a third party. Talking about hired pro. You're making zero progress on your own.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

I do have trust issues with him. I know without a doubt that he will not physically cheat on me but my issue is that i never know when he is telling the truth anymore. So that is my trust issue.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

OK ... here is a bit of a zen lesson, and one you REALLY need to hear ...

For a moment forget that the issue is your issue of feeling wanted or valued ... or that you have an issue with his watching pornography ... or that is he sensitive about it for whatver reason and hides it or lies about it ... ok ... set that ALL aside ... and lets look at the genetic issue of what is needed to elicit and / or allow honest to occur ...

It is very very simple ...

Honesty will occur IF and ONLY IF ... it is clear that there are no negative risks or consequences to being fully honest with you.

or

IF and ONLY IF ... honesty is required to gain control over a situation or limit their risks or liabilities to achive a goal they value.

How do you ensure dishonesty ... you create a situation here there is never a win for being honest about something.

So get that clearly in mind before you take any actions or express any value judgements to anyone ...

Want honestly, you have to make it clear you are delighted and excited to hear whatever their reality is ... with no value judgements ...


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

If his watching porn is interfering with or preventing his ability to be intimate with you, then yes, I'd say it is a problem. And no, not all men surf porn on the internet, so don't listen to those GENERALITIES that others throw at you.

It's one thing to look at porn now and again, it's another thing to be obsessed with it. That's a problem. And yes, there is such a thing as porn addiction and it sounds as if it is already interfering in your relationship, therefore, IT IS A PROBLEM. If your feelings on the matter don't matter to him, then its time to get out.

And the fact that he is LYING about it tells you that he does feel like it's wrong. If it wasn't wrong, he would have no qualms about being honest with you. The fact that he is being dishonest speaks volumes.

Sounds like the trust issues began when you realized how often he is searching out porn. I think your concerns are valid, because they are interfering in your intimate relations. A man should not have to seek out alternate sources of stimulation on a regular basis - every woman knows what is "normal" and we are also aware of what is beyond "normal" behavior.

Do internet searches on "porn addiction". Print them out and give them to him, so he realizes that he's taken it to a level in your relationship that is NOT healthy.

With regard to what David said above, don't listen to him. He only wants to make excuses for dishonesty. 'It's never MY fault, it's always YOUR fault' mentality. I'm not the problem; you are the problem... He's telling you that YOU need to change your behavior. Why? Because in his eyes, your husband doesn't need to change his dishonest behavior, but rather, you have to modify yours to accommodate HIS needs. That's called narcissism.

Good luck.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Confused....if my math is right....you were 18 and "with" a 32 year old divorced...or maybe not divorced man. What was he doing hanging around a teenager? Sounds a bit smarmy to me.
Is this porn thing new? was he into porn when you were 18?
Why do you suppose he is looking at porn sites on his phone? I am asking genuinely...is there something missing in his life? And obviously he is ashamed or he wouldn't lie about it.

There are lots of sites with porn for women. Find some and let him see you looking at them. And who knows....you may find that you like porn too.

As I see it you have 2 problems...
1 your husband is into porn on a tiny screen, and
2 you are "balling" your eyes out over it.
You probably can't change your husband's behavior, but you can change your attitude toward it.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Woah, tracystroke - stop being so aggressive and hostile. You are going way beyond snarky.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

I dont even know what snarky means lol .ok maybe i was premenstrual when i wrote that lol.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Confused,

Despite what many of its defenders would say, porn has profoundly negative effects on people's views of sex and sexual behavior. I'm not saying this without proper research or just based on my opinion. The National Foundation for Family Research concluded that "exposure to pornography puts viewers at increased risk for developing sexually deviant tendencies". As in your case, you're not wrong in treating this as a serious offense to your marriage because the repeated viewing of pornography can interfere with the ability to enjoy and participate in normal marital intimacy.
I'm gonna quote from Dr. Cline, a specialist in treating sex addiction: "Like a cancer, it keeps growing and spreading. It rarely ever reverses itself, and it is also very difficult to treat and heal. Denial on the part of the male addict and refusal to confront the problem are typical and predictable, and this almost always leads to marital or couple disharmony, sometimes divorce, and sometimes the breaking up of other intimate relationships". This can destroy trust and openness in a marriage, two things that are ESSENTIAL for any healthy relationship.
The struggle to break free from pornography should not be underestimated. Please take into account that your husband would be dealing with a very very difficult battle. Dr. Cline says: "Promises don't work. Good intentions mean nothing. [A sex addict] literally cannot do this by himself." A prerequisite to successful treatment, according to Cline, is involving the mate, if the person is married. "It goes faster if both are involved," he claims. "Both are wounded. Both need help."

I have included on the bottom of this post another article that I think you will find extremely helpful. I don't know if you are much of a Bible reader, but never underestimate the power of God's Holy Spirit to heal the wounds in a marriage. After all He is the Creator of the marriage arrangement. Please let me know what you think.

Kind Regards,

Ada

Here is a link that might be useful: Maintaining Commitment In Your Marriage


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

OMG its a blinking jovo,god if they not knocking on your door or preaching in the streets ,they have even found the internet now.GO AWAY AND GET LOST.


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RE: My husband lies about watching porn & hasnt been intereated i

Yup, Dr. Victor B. Cline and the The National Foundation for Family Research and several other religiously-oriented professionals and organizations have the answer. Actually, they all have the same answer: God. Every time. Their god...their single solution for any/all problems of any/all kinds.

If you think it will work for you, go for it. I do suggest acknowledgment of the underlying agenda, however.


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