How awful for you. Did you suspect something was going on? Do you know the woman?
I think it's smart of you to see a lawyer before confronting him because he might just clear out the accounts and put everything in his name if he suspects he is being tossed out of the family home.
I'm praying for you.
Mona

Well, to begin with, I must confess curiosity about what kind of fool would leave this kind of thing on a home computer capable of discovery. Something's strange about that. How certain are you of an actual physical affair?

Otherwise, this cheating may be "obvious" to you right now, as you said, but it will eventually have to be obvious to a judge as well. E-mails by themselves don't prove much. Since you were apparently unaware since March, I assume those e-mails are all you've got and otherwise things must not have been particularly obvious. Download them and secure them off-site at once. Do talk to the attorney asap, but otherwise keep your plans secret until you're ready to act. You'll have to confront him at some point, but you'll want to have all your options ready to go instantly when you do -- including what you'll want to do if you find out this was all inappropriate stupidness on his part but nothing more.

I pity you having to pretend your way through the family holiday stuff in the mean time.

I am so sorry. Physical or emotional all affairs hurt. Protect yourself and your assets. Decide ahead of time what you will do if he tells you it is over, nothinh physical happened and he still wants to be married. only you know what your limits are, no one can tell you what you should do in that situation (nor should you listen to them, you know in your heart what is best for YOU!!). Good luck.

Vickey-MN

A real shock for you and difficult to ponder over all this whilst smiling and being sociable.

Use the time wisely and work out what YOU want to do, what is best for you. Whilst also anticipating what he will say and how he will explain it.

I don't know how you can be so patient, does he have a history of doing this ? Or is this the first time ?

All the best to you.

Did you have any idea before the email discovery. Any changed behavior, unaccounted for time?

Just curious, I am sure there must have been something you missed, especially in hindsight?

Open your own checking account in your name alone, make copies of all the important documents that refer to you. Copies of the most recent credit card statements if any. Don't be responsible for any debt incurred after you separate. Make copies of the last bank statements you have in the house. Get out your marriage certificate (need for divorce). Copy the emails to a CD on the computer. I don't think the emails or the affair even matters, as most states are no-fault divorce states. The only thing adultery can do for you is shorten the separation time before you can legally divorce the bum. Then make an appointment with a lawyer. Give the documents to your lawyer to hold onto for you until your divorce is final. Most of all, make sure you pull your credit score now. In the event bum is reckless, you won't want your credit to be ruined.

Time is not going to make anything better, why go through the holidays with a fake smile. I think that is bull unless there are children involved. Even then, I would not do it. I can't hold stuff in.

As soon as you get your own account and have deposited enough to live for 2 months (I am assuming you have job???), call your lawyer. I don't know what state you live it, but don't count on throwing him out of the house. You may have to be the one to go if he won't. Obviously, you don't want to live under the same roof, and unless he is willing to leave, you may have to. If you have children, you stay in the house, he goes. You don't mention any children?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Get your ducks in order and then get rid of the cheater.

My mother, a very wise woman, once gave me some very good advice.
I don't know if it applies to you or to this situation, but in case it might, she told me:

"Don't let your pride stand in the way of your happiness."

In other words, if you were happily married up until you found out, and he has otherwise been a good man and a good husband to you, don't let your hurt pride cause you to rush into an irrevocable step that you might regret later. This is NOT to say that you shouldn't leave him. Only YOU know what your life situation is like, and whether a divorce is the right move for you or not.

In any case, making copies of emails and financial documents is a good move, just to keep your options open.

Thanks everyone for the advice, Since I'm trying to keep this all to myself for now I desperately needed to tell someone. I was referred to this board from the hgtv board, Its the only one I've ever used. The moderators of that board deleted my post because it was off subject matter for hgtv message board. I'm glad I discovered you guys over hear. But we have no minor kids we're in our late fortys, Yes I do work and have my own money. I can't say that I suspected anything was going on in the marriage. We both work from home and have seperate computers, Theres never been any secrets or anything off limits as far as on occaision using the other persons computer. It was purely accidental how I discovered the emails, I was checking a recent email he'd recieved from his sister to get her address. Strange but I hit a button and old emails from a year ago appeared on the screen, I didn't know they remained in the system that long after they've been read and obviously neither did he. Also in his line of business he has lots of unaccounted for free time and it's never been an issue before. I'm in the state of Fla so I really don't know where I stand legally in this situation.

Thanks for listening

From your posts, I'm personally not convinced you know what you're dealing with at all at this point.

You've just described two computer-savvy professionals working from home with no secrets or rules about trespass between them. Everything's OK and open.....and this computer-professional leaves e-mails such as you described on his machine KNOWING they're discoverable BY YOU.

If your husband actually did this, I'd divorce him for his incredible stupidity whether he actually had an affair or not. Is there any chance this is some kind of game he's playing with you or do you really think he's that dumb?

I think you need to take a deep breath, and talk to a lawyer about your options.

As someone else hinted at, I would not necessarily jump to divorce just because you think that's the thing to do. Other than the e-mails, how is your marriage? You haven't even talked to him about it yet. I know no excuses can take a way the hurt, but I would hear him out, before you actually file for the divorce. Maybe even consider marriage counseling.

I don't think you'll need to "prove" anything to a judge. I would think you would just go for "no fault" anyway, right? (I guess your lawyer will tell you your options and what you need to do). Will you be wanting spousal support? If so, get you finances in order and start breaking down how much is spent on what every month. Your lawyer should be able to advise you on how much money, and when to pull it too -maybe the same day you file. So, have a separate account set up. I would still copy the e-mails, and/or forward them to someone so that if he gets rid of the physical evidence you still have copies of them.

Again, though, don't be making such a major decision so quickly without having all the information you need. I would try to stay away from him as much as you can until you can see your lawyer. Go shopping by yourself, work late, eat out, etc... anything to stay away from him.

Good luck. Let us know how things work out.

"She lives out of state, He purchased a round trip ticket to for her in March. I read all of the romantic small talk between them after their tryst in March."

duh.

doesn't sound like an 'innocent' internet flirtation to me.

The first thing I would do, *this instant*, is get tested for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases).

& don't have unprotected sex with him.

asolo we are both in sales working from home mostly, But we would hardly be considered "savvy professionals" Believe me "This is no joke" He's no jokester. As I said I don't think he realized his computer is set to save all emails in a seperate folder. So maybe he is a stupid cheater. And carla35 I am finding excuses to be away from him as much as possible. As far as I'm concerned there is no excuse for this behavior. And sylviatexas you are right, That is something else to worry about.

Well, isn't this a crock. If you're comfortable with coming back later, I would be interested in knowing your thoughts after the confrontation. Very sad state of affairs.

So sorry, but for what its worth--you can now look at whats going on around you. I don't believe that cheaters bold enough to pay for plane tickets and a tryst are inexperienced in deceit. I'm afraid if this gal is found out and goes, there may be another later. The excitement of an affair is addictive from what I hear from clients. Yes, cheaters can be stupid and sometimes they want to be discovered so that you can be the one to end the marriage. Otherwise he has to tell you when you are unaware anything was wrong, and he may really not want to hurt you.
Its is difficult to put a marriage together after an affair like this. I am sure you will try, but be careful about your finances, and be sure you have separate accounts. Good luck. You have a rocky year ahead.

If you want to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, do not have sex with him. In some states once you do that the adultery is forgiven for the purposes of being able to use it as cause for divorce.

many, many people who use the computer everyday (many that post here perhaps) do not understand how the computer actually works, and do not have any idea that when they hit the delete button, that things are not necessarily deleted. They may use the computer everyday for years, but have no idea how to clear the computer of things they do not want their spouse to see. It does not mean they are stupid. Or that they want to get caught as someone mentioned. It simply means that they are not computer literate. They may be very smart people, but have not taken the time to learn more than the basics about computers. They may be very accomplished in various careers, working long hours, and simply have not taken the time to understand computers. They thought that when they hit delete, that it was deleted. I imagine that he will be stunned when he finds out otherwise.

Diedra...sorry that you are faced with something so painful that it takes your breath away. It alters everything, and I am sorry that as you begin the new year, that you begin it this way. I wish you happier days ahead.

Diedra:

If you could imaging yourself to be your husband's mother, any line of defence you could come up with?

It goes almost like: "One Christmas eve I've discovered from some records that I've been bitten by my nice dog. I don't remember being bitten by it, but that doesn't mean that I haven't. I want the dog out."

So you think that people are entitled to "king's x" if they aren't caught in the act?

That would get a lot of guilty people off the hook, wouldn't it? as well as cause a lot of anguish & torment for their spouses or partners.

When people marry, they pledge some kind of loyalty to each other, they agree that each partner is entitled to be able to trust the other.

That trust has been betrayed, that loyalty broken.

Barring injury, illness, or pain, dogs are better-behaved.
They don't re-pay good treatment with bad.
They don't bite someone who has been good to them.

Sylvia:

Yes, I beleive in the presumption of innocence
Who are you to judge those people guilty?
Truism is a form of intellectual decay.

I am on the other end of the spectrum, I am a wife that cheated. I cheated with married men. My husband knows all the details, and we have managed to work through this for the most part.

From the experience I had, most men cheat for sexual reasons. They will tell you anything/everything just to get sex. Most men that cheat are not getting enough sex at home, or are not getting the type of sex they want.

From my personal experience, women cheat for emotional reasons. The reason I cheated on my husband had NOTHING at all to do with sex.

I am not in any way condoning or excusing his behavior, there is no excuse. BUT the spouse has to take SOME responsibility for what has happened. There are reasons I did what I did and they started in my marriage. As I said before, I am not condoning or excusing my behavior or anyone else's. When I was engaging in that behavior, I was miserable. I felt horrible about myself, could barely attend church and didn't even feel worthy enough to pray to God.

There is something to be said about being addicted to the excitement of it all. It is also very easy to get caught up in the internet side of it.

Diedra...How are you doing?

Kg, thanks for being so honest. Interesting to hear the other side of it.

What have you done up to this point? Will you be able to work things out?