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My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Posted by Judomanruiz (My Page) on
Sat, Dec 31, 11 at 14:37

Hi I'm new to the forum and I needed some advice regarding my fiancee. I really do love my fiancee but it saddens me and also pisses me off to know that she really hates my 20 month old son. I told her at the beginning of our relationship about him. I gave her some time to get used to him before I asked her out. I gave her some more time before we moved in together and before I asked her to marry me.

I don't understand why she harbors such ill feelings towards him. Granted she's his step parent now and I understand she not related to him biologically but even still. She claims that the reason she hates him is because "he hates her". He's 20 months old. He prefers me because I'm his dad and he spends half his time with me and the other half with his real mom. I was there every single day watching him. I used to be a stay at home dad while I continued my studies. He's used to having me around. My fiancee doesn't like being around him because when she touches me, goes for a hug or a kiss he cries. Funny thing is this happens with my own family as well. She doesn't try to spend time with him because as soon as he gets upset she gives up. She said it was a lot easier being around him before I asked her to marry me. She said he's never acted like this before but truth is he always did. She's now been with us for an entire year.

Here's the other thing I know shes 21 and not ready for children but I'm 21 also and my life changed drastically after I found out my ex was pregnant. I wasn't ready at all for this just like my fiancee is now. She has this notion that when you're a young parent that you aren't going to do anything with your life and you're always going to be a dead beat. Well guess what I continue to go to school and although I'm no longer a stay at home dad I still work and take care of all of us including two dogs. I have an awesome job, a brand new Nissan Xterra, I rent a house. How am I a dead beat. My credit is amazing. I'm living my life the way I should.

She thinks taking care of dogs is easier because "they're not babies". She likes to tell me that If I wasn't a dog person she wouldn't be with me or if I hated her dog then she would leave me. To her there is always a difference. She's super passionate about dogs and I'm super passionate about my son. So whats the difference?

What am I doing wrong? I love her and I'm being selfish for my own reasons by not leaving her. All my coworkers tell me to leave her. Am I an idiot. I grew up as a step child I know how it feels to have your step mom hate you with absolute passion. I don't want that for my son.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Leave her.

You made your son. He's here. He's real. Your first duty is to him. It would be extremely cruel to compel him to live with someone who hates him.

"I love her..."

As anyone will tell you, it's not enough.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Your child comes first, period. My sister had a child very young, she met a guy, fell in love, he never treated her child well, she married him anyway. They had a child together and he was wonderful with that child and awful with my sister's first born. They are now divorced. I know it might be difficult but you should not marry this woman, I even have doubts to how much she actually love's you, I'm sorry to say that but honsetly if she truly loved you she'd love your child as if it were her own.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Why on earth did you ask your girlfriend to marry you knowing how she felt about your son? That was your first mistake. Marrying her when she treats your son so shabbily would be a second mistake. Don't do it. She is acting extremely immature and selfishly. It would only get worst for your son if you marry her. Good God your son is only 20 months old. Babies cry and through tantrums and generally act out. That is just what babies do. You need to move on without your fiance and concentrate on providing a stable, loving home for that little one of yours. He won't have that if you marry her. NancyLouise


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

When you say that you love your fiance - ask yourself can you really love a person that shows such animosity to YOUR child.

Think of her character - you may be attracted to her physically, but think of the future.

Children are the priority, if your future partner is not someone who loves your child, or even likes them - then it is not the right person.

She sounds very immature.

Good luck, and good on you for asking advice here.

It is wonderful that you have kept up with your studies and have a good job. Keep that up for sure !

Think of your son and yourself as a team, whoever marries you will have to include, and love, both of you.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

She would dump you if you didn't like her dogs, what kind of person do you really think SHE is? Certainly not worthy of being a stepmother for your baby... He is your priority and your responsibility, she is and will always be an interloper.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Thanks all of you for your advice, it really does mean a lot that you guys can take the time to read and respond to my problem. I appreciate all of your answers.

The reason I asked her to marry me is because I do love her. Honestly, like I said I was being selfish and put her concerns before mine and my sons. Though its only been a year I do believe that I need to sit and talk to her about this issue of ours.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

I guess it is good that she has told you how she feels about your son, before you get married.

But realistically, think of what day to day life will be like with such animosity from her to your son.

It is a good idea to discuss further this issue with her.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

She is not emotionally ready to be a mother, let alone a stepmother. Don't pick this fruit until it ripens. Maybe keep her in your life but postpone the marriage, see if she comes around to your child.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

I read this yesterday and wasnt going to comment because I thought it was just so ridiculous, it couldnt be true. Today, I read it again, and thought, I guess there could really people such ridiculous people in the world. First of all, your girlfriend sounds like a child. A 20 month old baby doesnt know how to hate. They arent capable of that feeling at 20 months old. How in the world does anyone "hate" a 20 month old baby? Something isnt right with her. You're asking if we think you're an idiot for keeping her around. In a word, YES!!!

Get rid of her. Find someone who is capable of love. This girl is not. Her loving you means she would at least try to love your children. I could understand if it was an 8 year old or a 16 year old and there was a real personality conflict going on, but you are talking about an baby for crying out loud. There is no question, you're young, you dont need to be dealing with this for any part of your future. Its just not worth it, and its a horrible situation for your baby.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

She is not mature enough or ready for marriage.

In a caring and friendly but FIRM way tell her that YOU are not ready for a new relationship.

Accept the bullet gracefully, make it your character flaw, let her blame you ... and apologize and be honest friends.

In a way that is not inaccurate, you want the support and love desparately enough that your emotional needs obviously over-rode your good intellectual analysis of who and what she is ... and is capable of.

Love is not enough.

I love my neighbors dog, but no matter how long I wait, he will never help me fix my airplane or build an electron beam lithography machine with me. He is just not capable of it - love is not enough.

Nor will he bear my children or educate them in mathematics ...

Love is not enough.

Bite the bullet, you are doing right things in life, belly up to the bar on this one and pay the tab and move on.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Don't marry this woman, thing doesn't get better after marriage. Only worst.
Find another girl who likes your son and you the way it should be.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

I'm going to say this. A single person should NEVER, ever, marry someone who has children from another relationship. This is asking for trouble and headaches in the long run. It's called knowing someone with "baggage". A single person should find and have relations with single people with no children. The new spouse will always resent the children of the other spouse because biologically they are not theirs. This will ultimately be hard on both the children involved as well as the spouse. It ain't worth it imho.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

OMG tammy,I have never read such a load of rediculous rubbish. I know loads of people who have married someone with children and love those kids as there own,my own partner adores my baggage,and vice versa.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Tammy,

How do you explain the existence of millions happy adopted and blended families? They are not necessarily biologically connected.

You call children from previous relationship "baggage"?????


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

I think Tammy is a stirer.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

Tammy's answer notwithstanding, it is true that once you have children, THEY are your primary responsibility and job for the next 18-20 year.

Yes, some people do get remarried, and have successful blended families, BUT you've had ample warning that this woman is NOT going to be a good person to have you your son's orbit. As a responsible parent, you have NO busines, NO right exposing your precious child to someone who isn't going to be a positive influence on him.

I'm sorry to say, for the next 2 decades, you are going to have to put HIS well-being ahead of your own interests. That's what good parents do--whether they're a solid married couple or single parents. Before you date, or bring someone into your life, you need to think long and hard about how they will impact upon your child. This relationship isn't one that's going to be healthy for your son--you have to end it for that reason. That's the bottom line. Know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it's what any truly good parent will tell you.


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RE: My fiancée hates my 20 month old son.

20 month olds don't hate. She's making excuses for her bad parenting. If she took a parenting class, it might help her to "love" the child. If not, ditch the fiance.


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