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what if?????

Posted by tracymomof4 (My Page) on
Thu, Dec 26, 02 at 11:48

What if the one person who "melted your M&M's" was already married to someone else??? I have met someone who is everything i have ever wanted in a man but unfortunately is already married to someone else. We have been seeing each other and yes i know its wrong and i know that he will probably never leave her for me but i swear he is the only one who makes my heart go pitter patter what should i do???


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: what if?????

I'm probably the wrong person to be answering this as I've never dated a married man. I have been on the other side of it as a wife and I will tell you that the chances of you ever winding up with him are probably pretty slim. Also, you ought to ask yourself what you're actually gonna have if you DO wind up with him! My ex-husband cheated on me with a single girl and I caught him. We divorced and he married someone else only to get caught with this same girl by the second wife! He's married to the girlfriend now and I think they BOTH run around. Please consider staying as far away from him as you can get. The longer you see him the more attached and committed you're going to feel and the harder to split with him. JMHO


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I think you need to get over it and stay away from him.

If he treats his wife so shabbily he will treat you worse if he does leave her.

It is wrong of you to betray another woman that way. There is no man worth it.


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RE: what if?????

Run as fast as you can. I am sure you won't but you are making the biggest mistake of your life.
Even if he were to leave his wife for you always remember that when a man marries his mistress he leaves a vacancy.

Janis


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RE: what if?????

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence... but you still have to mow it.

In other words, he may melt your M&Ms and seem to have no foibles. But just wait. He'll have enough M&M Chillers to make destroying a marriage, etc etc not worth it.

Life is full of peaks and valleys. Remaining faithful means not only enjoying the mountaintop moments, but also surviving the valleys.


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RE: what if?????

Here is some information that may help you think through this.

There are 3 stages to romantic relationships. The dating period is stage 1. People that fall in love over and over again are addicted to this stage. Lots of people cheat on their spouses so they can get back to the wonderful emotions they felt during the falling in love period of stage 1. It's a good idea to be a little careful in the beginning of any relationship because most people tend to see their love's good qualities and ignore or minimize problems.

Stage 2 can be a hard time because that's when couples either make it or split up. Most divorces happen because couples couldn't resolve the issues that came up during stage 2. Some immature married people get bored during stage 2 and find somebody to cheat with so they can get back to the excitement of a stage 1 relationship. Mature/responsible people leave the marriage first and seek a new relationship after the dust has settled. Mature couples move through the months/years of stage 2 and arrive at the final stage of their relationship. I think this is the best stage because you both feel safe and loved and you feel so comfortable with each other.

Since you asked for advice - mine is simple. Believe that you are a unique and wonderful human being that deserves a good life with a wonderful and good person who will love you and respect you and treat you well. Your children deserve to see their Mom happy and in a healthy and safe relationship. This man may fun to know and wonderful to be with, but he has a fatal flaw. What you see is what you get - he's a cheater. If you stick with him you'll never be completely safe and loved.


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RE: what if?????

He is married. What does, or would 'marriage' mean to you if you had uttered the necessary vows. There are both legal and moral implications of being married.

You can get a reasonably good idea about how people regard those vows, and their ideas about 'marriage' through their behaviour and through how they regard their relationship to their partner.

People who have decent social skills can figure out how to melt anyone's m&m's. It feels special to be so melted, but who knows how many there may have been in the past or will be in the future for any individual. It's probably safe to figure that he has also melted his partner's for example.

People who are in committed, legally binding relationships have different options for working out their conflicts (both individual problems, and couple problems). They also have ways to avoid those conflicts, with or without involving outside individuals-- counselors, 'friends', 'special friends' or anyone else. Some are more effective than others depending on what the person is trying to resolve to do.

you could free yourself so that you can meet someone who can live by the vows they make, and who also can provide a pleasant melting sensation

P.S. There is a whole world of human beings. Odds are that there is another man in the world who could melt your m&m's and who is also socially and legally freed up to form an exclusive mutually healthy relationship with you.


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RE: what if?????

He's cheating on his wife. If you got him, which you probably won't, he will cheat on you. Run as fast as you can.


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well I can say because Im suffering yet because of it. My father left my mother after numerous affairs. This was 30 years ago and stiill having problems,the thing is you dont only hurt you your man your family their family,children. I saw what my mother went through Im scared to death my husband will do the same. I have not seen nor heard from my father in 30 years,hes never seen my kids. his grandchildren.You know what they say once a cheat always a cheat...


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RE: what if?????

Why do you want to have a relationship with someone who would cheat on his wife? Is that "everything you've ever wanted in a man"?

Chance are that if he'll cheat *with* you, eventually he'll cheat *on* you.


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RE: what if?????

Mary, and others.

What a wonderful insight. I "got it" even as early as college, when my roommates' boyfriends would occasionally hit on me. Why would I start a relationship with someone who was that willing to disregard their SO's feelings? So that was one rule I set for myself, and I didn't even really need the rule, because I wasn't tempted, once I looked at it in the way Mary just put it.

I deserved better than that!

You want to find greener pastures? Get divorced first, THEN go looking.


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RE: what if?????

I think you need to stay away from men altogether for a while. I know that's not what you want to hear. But it seems like you are really searching for companionship after several failed relationships that you've told us about. I know you have said in the past that you can live without a man but basically don't like to, (paraphrasing, here) but maybe you just need time to yourself. A long time. To explore yourself as a person and spend time with your kids. You might be surprised at how much fun you can have. Go out and make some girlfriends, do things when you want to do them, etc. I kind of miss the single life and just being able to pick up and do whatever, whenever. (providing someone's watching the kids, of course ; )


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RE: what if?????

Tracy,

I think the best advice of all came from Phyllis P. She said what I was thinking. I too had noticed a pattern of unhealthy relationships emerging from your previous posts. I'm afraid you may be in for more trouble if you don't succeed in breaking the cycle.

I hope you choose to break off all contact with the married guy and give yourself at least 6 months with no dating. A year would be even better.

We're all pulling for you! I wish you a Happy New Year!

Denise


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RE: what if?????

I just came across the book "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Screw Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura. May be worth checking out. I'm sure at one point or another in our lives, we've all been in these situations and sometimes need to step back and examine our lives.


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RE: what if?????

Tracy? What do you want from this relationship? Long term? For always and ever? or just fun and giggles now?
I'll tell you, long term ain't gonna happen, and if it looks like it is, you're kiddng yourself!
Fun and giggles for a year or so?....Well....it's not the moral thing to do....but that's about all you can expect from a cheater......
BUT....since it takes 2 to "tango"..( so to speak!) maybe you deserve each other. If you want a long term stable relationship, look else where.....if you are lonesome and want some kicks without any strings....then perhaps this is the guy. It's your call.
Linda C


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RE: what if?????

Tracy,
I think that the attention and excitement that this man is providing you with is clouding your better judgement. Instead of doing something that you may be ashamed of later, try to find another avenue for this thrill. Take up a different hobby. Look up some old friends that you have lost touch with, and reminice. Do something for yourself that is totally self indulging, but not detrimental to anyone else. Join a club or organization that has members with the same interests as yours and lots of socialization oppurtunites. Please, I understand that your heart is guiding your head right now, but put things into perspective. This is not the right thing to do, and you probably don't need another complication in your life. Think before your proceed. Like my grandmother used to say, "walk cautiously, little flower, for the steps you take are your own" (an old indian woman who made me very proud to be her granddaughter)
Jainie


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RE: what if?????

Tracy, like everyone else said, get away from this man as fast as you can. And rest assured, he WILL cheat on you too if you give him the opportunity. It's the whole "thrill of the chase" kinda thing. Take it from me, we (guys) get off on that. Most of us give up the chase when we say I do. The ones that don't are the ones you have to watch out for.

Rotny


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RE: what if?????

As a man, I wonder what it is that attracts you so much to this married man. Sometimes we want things in life that are safe and we know we can't have them. I often wonder just how close married men really want their other women in REAL lives. I mean would he get upset if you call his house ? and if he did get upset, is he sending you a signal that you are just not worth the hassle ? I always wonder why some men cheat...some of them have it so wonderful at home, Wives that are beautiful, funny, classy... in great shape and yet, the men just go out and find other bodies ?? Oh to have a women at home that is in great health and so fit why a man would leave???


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RE: what if?????

My friend Vanessa is sleeping with a married man. It's been going on for months now. She has rather low self esteem, has two little boys, and is recently divorced after a 6 year marriage.

She says that her and her married lover "see each other whenever possible". My friend is not allowed to call him or go near him; he just sort of shows up when he wants a little nookie on the side.

It is tearing her up. She claims she is in love with him. She deserves so much better, than being with a lying piece of cr@p who flat-out told her he will never ever leave the comfy nest he has with his wife. He even told her all he really likes is the hot sex with a newly single gal.

Is that what your married lover is using you for? Apparently he has already found his soul mate, if he has no plans for divorcing her or leaving her.

Also: regarding making your heart go pitter-patter... that is what happens in every single relationship on this earth when you first meet someone. It's the honeymoon stage. That stage fades after a few months. Of course you both are pittering for each other... he's a committed man who is getting some on the side; you are a newly divorced single mom who is getting great sex from a guy who thought he'd never get attention from a young girl again!

If you haven't already, call off the relationship. Take time off for a while. Or for God's sake, find a man who is single. You have been a wife before. Imagine what this woman would feel like if she knew of your lover's infidelities. And that is all he is; a lover.

- darkeyedgirl


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Is this the same guy you were dating back in August who wanted to marry you? If not,then 5 months ago you were considering marriage to someone else. It seems you keep "falling in love" with the excitement of a new relationship. Don't you see a pattern to your behavior? You're so desperate not to be alone that every man becomes "the love of your life". I'm curious, why did your marriages break up?


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RE: what if?????

my marriages broke up cause the first one beat me and the second one decided cocaine was better than me as for going a year with no dating HELL NO i dont like to go a week I can make it on my own i am now and i did for 5 years between marriages. I dont like it on my own i want a man in the house. As for "jack" the married guy, he left his wife this past week moved into an apartment and we see each other daily and not just for sex.


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I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had contributed to the breakup of a marriage, whether it already had problems or not.
How do you know that your man won't go off to someone else when the going gets less than smooth between the two of you?
My ex cheated on me with another woman. He told her that he wasn't married, then he told her that he had a bad marriage. He knocked her up a month after our son was born. I lived for years thinking that his cheating was somehow my fault until finally I realized that I deserved better than that.

So I guess I have no sympathy for someone who decides that what they want supersedes any other commitment that is involved. That includes parenting as well as marriage.

Keli


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RE: what if?????

Ok, so sounds like you don't want advice.

Come back in 6 months when he's moved on from you to someone who "melts his M&M's" more than you do.


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RE: what if?????

How old are your kids, Tracy? You don't say anything about having a male father figure around for them, just for you. Does he take out the garbage? Change lightbulbs, fix stuff? I have a coworker who married a guy she knew for freaking three months (probably less) because "he took out the garbage" and "cooked." Then it fell apart a month later. And of course her daughter sees all of this, as only a six year old can. Don't worry, sooner or later the novelty of this relationship will wear off ... but that's what we've all been telling you. For the sake of you and your children, I hope it does work out. Hey, you asked for advice; you got it.


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Yes, he cheated on her, he will cheat on you. After I read your initial post I thought "once a cheater, always a cheater" and was prepared to post exactly that. Then 4 or 5 others beat me to it... Apparently we all agree. The man is a cad.

I don't like women who sleep with married men then think they are faultless. You are as big of a cad as he is! You've contributed to the break-up of a family, the loss of a father, and the ruination of a marriage. Is *that* something to be proud of and to defend? I don't think so!

I had a friend who had a live in boyfriend for about 6 years. She met him when he and his wife hired her to babysit their newborn daughter. Eventually he left his wife and moved in with my friend. He NEVER got a divorce. There was always an excuse. Seems that for 6 years they were "quibbling" over custody. She finally wised up and dumped him, he moved back in with the wife AND SHE TOOK HIM BACK! Then my friend started having an affair with a co-worker (he was married and the wifey was pregnant at the time). He finally left his wife (who, by the way, called my friend for advice on her failing marriage not knowing the person on the other end of the phone was the REASON for the failing marriage!) Anyhoo... my friend and her second "affair" are now married. She actually said to me one time, "He is just so wonderful, he reminds me of John." (John is my WONDERFUL husband. He is the man everyone I know thinks is the perfect husband, myself included). I about threw up when she said that. I wanted to say, "No, he is NOTHING like John. John would NEVER cheat on me (especially while I was pregnant) and he would never leave me like your dork did!" My husband was furious when I told him what she said. He said, "No, I am nothing like that cad and I resent the comparison!"

Needless to say, we aren't that great of friends anymore. I just can't hang with people who have NO MORALS!!!!

Okay, I've said my peace. I think I ought to leave before the tomatoes start flying in my direction!!
P


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I totally agree, Pashan. I would be on the lookout for this "friend" trying to date your husband! I think I would just about kill myself if I found out my boyfriend was married AND his wife was pregnant, especially! I think 'our friend' has moved to other forums (Stepfamilies, maybe) and has also weighed in on the subject of living with someone without marriage. So I guess we won't be hearing from her anymore.


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Yes, I've run across her posts on other forums here, step-families sounds right. I was afraid I'd maybe been too harsh in my response to her, but the more I think about it the less guilty I feel. She asked our opinions... My friends have learned not to ask how I feel because they know I'll be brutally honest! The way I look at it, you get what you ask for.


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RE: what if?????

Pashan - I agree with you! No need to dodge any tomatoes. She has said in a recent post elsewhere that she's married. So, I'm assuming she married this person.

But, that's what happens when being with a man, any man is more important than having healthy relationships and being a good example for your children. I think the poor kids are biggest losers in these situations. I mean, look what they are being taught.

Denise


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RE: what if?????

She posted the first message on Dec. 26, 2002. That was just over 2 months ago!! Then on February 5th she said that he "left his wife just this past week". So, she'd have to have gotten married in the last three weeks to a man who left his wife just a month ago. Sounds like they deserve each other!


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OH MY GOSH! Why anyone would actually *want* to go after a married man is beyond me! It bears repeating again ... ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. I suppose some women have such low self esteem that they think they only deserve the scum bag men, and they don't care one bit about the families -- women and children -- they are hurting. Women like that deserve to marry these "prince charmings" ... have kids ... spend a decade or so together ... and find out he's done it again! Oops, you lose! Serves them right for even CONSIDERING someone already married.


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What gets me is that she thinks her kids are normal ... don't want for anything ... except a decent father figure around the house! And not just someone there to take out the trash, either. She is so blatantly putting herself and her need for a man (which she has admitted) first, and her children second.


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I think we have a troll or a teen here who likes pulling people's chains just for the attention. I sincerely hope this is not a real person's life!
j


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Oh believe it, Jerri, it's real! Just remember, truth is stranger than fiction. I wonder if Tracy and her man are still living together, having a great old time. My guess would be not for long...


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Hmmmm, my gosh! She sounds like a Dr Phil candidate...wonder if she was watching yesterday?
j


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Just wondering how this all turned out?


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Even if I despised my husband,I wouldn't cheat on him .For the faithful spouse it is such a kick in the teeth.It destroys people's self esteem and makes them feel like they aren't lovable.I've never understood why someone knowingly gets involved with a married partner.


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I would go on a sugar free diet. If I gave in and won him away from his wife...what would I be winning, nothing but a cheater.


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tracymomof4....it has been almost two years since your affair with another womans husband. I am just wondering how things turned out for you. are you out there?


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the guy that melts your M&M's isn't nessecarily the guy who you want to marry- he's just the guy your particular hormone receptors are attuned to.

we call this relationship 'all sushi, no dishes'

and they're good for about 6 months after you both ruin everyone else's lives to be together.

yes, you are a fool for mistaking attraction for a relationship- but if he's hiding you from his wife-then he's a louse.

trust me, DH and I have been through it-slowly, deliberately, and with great compassion. monogamy wasn't my first choice- but it's the only one that worked in the long run, specifically because he and I are the only ones inclined to tell the whole truth. so while there are girls who really do believe that I'm the only thing standing in the way of their bliss- it's really their own failings as ethical beings.

we tend to be where we are for a reason.


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there seems to be more women repsonding to this thread than men, i have seen this particular situation around the neighborhood ,the question i alawys ask is WHY OH WHY could
a woman trust a man that dumped his wife for another woman ?
after a few months the "new woman" is just another dream gone sour and sooner or later he will be looking for another dream to chase after !!!
thats my 2 cents worth on the subject
Zeke


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zeke-

:) as a dame who learned the hard way- it's a complicated mix of denial, thinking that wishing something makes it true, and sheer unadulterated stupidity.

sometimes, I think it's hardwired (like the atavistic attraction to guys who reek of hormones) sometimes, I think it's a complex form of brainwashing to keep us from taking over the world...

sometimes, I think it's just a variation on darwin's law- that any fool who falls for it gets what they deserve...now, if we could just keep those pairs from BREEDING!


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Remember that the man has a serious problem. My ex is on wife #4. I was #1. I had told wife #3 that I had no clue he wasn't happy with the marriage. She didn't believe me until he did the exact same thing to her. She also said she had no idea he wasn't happy.

He cheated on all of the previous wives. A man doesn't change his stripes and if he hasn't done this before, there is always the first time. So, even if he leaves his wife for you, you have no way of knowing that he won't do this to you, too.

Also, the heartache that this gives the wife is just so horrible. Because of what I went through, if I weren't happy in my marriage, I would leave it and then find a new partner.


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Tracy, you're in a situation where everyone will get hurt! When I was single I had an affair with a married man. I spent many night crying over him, and I know his wife knew about me. God, how she must have hurt! My own husband strayed once, and I cannot tell how much it hurt me. I was devastated! But he hurt too, and so did his 'friend'. This is a no win situation for all concerned. Please reconsider your choices here.

Laurelann


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I do not think that Tracy cares about anyone but Tracy. To just selfishly demolish another family...to destroy another woman, and cause great and lasting pain to their children because you think he's hot, is such a selfish act. Not to mention how this affects her own four children. but it is not about them. Any of them. It is about Tracy.


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I think Tracy has left the building....LOL.


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Me too. There is another thread where a woman JUST had a baby, and has a toddler too, and the husband began an affair with someone like Tracy. And I imagine this wife who has just given birth, and the baby is up all night, and during the day, she is trying to keep up with the needs of her 2 year old, and a baby...and nursing on demand, feeling exhausted and unattractive, and on top of it all, she has to worry about someone like Tracy trying to lure her husband away, and worry about her marriage collapsing, and how she is going to earn a living to take care of her children, without getting any sleep during the night? And then finding and paying for childcare for a brand new baby and a 2 year old... That this womans world is shattered, all because the Tracy's of the world thought her husband was hot?!?


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I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been on both sides of the fence. When i was in my 20's I had a few romantic relationships with married men, not that I targeted married men, those are the ones that were attracted to me and I happened to be attracted to them for whatever reasons. Things can get really ugly if she finds out about you so consider that. Things can get pretty ugly if you get pregnant because he will definitely tell you to get a abortion or he will ignore you like you don't even exist, I have seen that happen to women. You sound like you have the potential of maybe falling in love with him which will only break your heart because nine times out of ten he will never leave his wife for you. Married men look at woman that they are having sex with outside of their marriage as a piece of butt to put it lightly. They are only in it for the sex. If I were in your shoes from experience I would find something else to melt my M&M's and find a single man to make my heart skip a beat. Trust me the pain in the long run is not worth it.
After that chapter in my life closed and I married my first husband that cheated on me, boy was that a wake up call because suddenly I knew what it felt like for those woman that I allowed their husbands to cheat with me, let's just say it wasn't a good feeling. I always say what goes around comes back around, Murphy's law. After I divorced my first husband, married men were no longer on my menu and life has been great. When you put out good vibes in the universe good vibes and good people come into your life now 12 yrs later I have a great husband in my life. LESSONS LEARNED!


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RE: what if?????

I would love to see more posts from married and single men on this issue. I Knew this would get all the women to post.


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