Well, thanks for all the posts. I'm kinda surprised this thread is still kicking around after all these months. Not surprisingly, our marriage is still in what I'd call "a struggling phase." If I could find (and afford) a marriage counselor, I'd seek one out. Our problems continue and i guess that's just part of life. Last week, he helped my daughter with a thorny problem. He's a professional and was able to give her some sound counsel on a financial matter. I was so grateful that he was willing to do that. And then when he came home that day, he groused and groused about how he had to skip lunch because of *my* daughter and her problems and it took him two hours to do the research and then send her a note explaining what he'd found and how he sure would have liked to have had lunch and blah, blah, blah. I keep revisiting the Ann Landers question: Am I better off with him or without him and I still don't have an answer. He's just so selfish sometimes and he's smarter than I am (by a lot) so he wins all the arguments. My self-esteem has plummeted since I met him and I've gained 25 pounds and some days, I just sit and cry. Still glad you asked?

Yes I think so. You were married a long time the first time. You got used to somebody that had a set of habits and opinions. Suddenly here is somebody else with different personality, opinions, and hopefully the new one is smarter, more attractive and manages money better. Quite an adjustment. And, you got such a new husband at a time in life when they are much harder to get and keep. Less guys are around as they get older. We outnumber them more and more as each year passes. You are going to have to work a little harder to keep his attention. Hang in there, that first year is tough.

Thanks again for the discussion, ideas and support. I agree that both daughters need to be treated equally and that's the very reason for my upset and my original post. However, being so close to this and feeling so emotional, I came here because I didn't know if maybe emotion was clouding my perception. It's interesting to see how many posters state that he has NO obligation to support my college-age daughter and the other posts state that of COURSE he has an obligation. I am old-fashioned but I feel like the second group of people. This is a marriage not a business merger. This is a blending of two people's lives (with a promise of) 'til death do us part. These are (n a perfect world) OUR children and there's no mother walking this earth who can watch her child suffer an inequity and NOT feel upset and saddened. I do feel like another facet is that my contribution to this household is not valued. I do enjoy being home but I also work 15-20 hours a week and do all the things that stay at home women do (cleaning and some cooking), plus I do a lot of good in my community through volunteer work. I'm not sitting in front of the TV eating bon-bons (although that does hold a certain appeal for me). He and I both contribute to a lifestyle so that our home life is calm and pleasant and relaxed and I don't know that my contribution is valued. Now with this daughter thing, I'm really starting to wonder about the future of our marriage. Above and beyond the financial inequities, I also worried that he's spoiling his daughter and I'm very disappointed that he's doing that. Thanks again for the replies. I've read this thread many times and it brings both comfort and insight. In conclusion, please don't worry about me. I'm not a withering flower or a mindless ninny. I came here because this problem was very upsetting and I felt strongly this was not right and I will not remain in a relationship where I'm not treated well and respected. This *will* have a happy ending. Just not sure when or how... Thanks again for sharing your ideas. It means the world to me that strangers would open their hearts and minds to share their own precious stories and valuable life lessons. HF

In response to your question on wife vs. child and the priority they should take, this is a very difficult and sensitive matter. Many people have different opinions on it. Here is what I mean by my thought that your wife should come first Whn you are in a marriage, the best thing that you can do for your kids is set the example of a strong, stable and happy relationship. I grew up in a stepfamily and it was very clear to the five stepchildren involved, between my dad and stepmom, that his first priority was with her. This did not mean that we were not cared for or were neglected in any way! But anything that had the potential to come between them or add unreasonable stress to their marriage (including having kids move from mom or dad's house in with them when they had a full load of kids already) was not accepted. Although it meant we did not always get our way, we grew up respecting my parents and their relationship. Seeing their strong, united front taught all of us to better handle our own relationships when we were older. They have been together for 20 years and the hardest part of all of this has been handling the blended family. Where I have seen other marriages fail, it has been clear that they stand together and treat each other's needs as a first priority- before the kids, before anyone else in the family. This is just as you see in many, many stable marriages. If your child is doing well with his mother, and having him move in with you will benefit you personally, but cause upheaval in your marriage, you are setting an unbalanced example of how a healthy marriage functions. It seems like in today's world of divorce, this is one of the most common ways family priorities are being reversed to center on the kids rather than the marriage. Sure, kids have needs- different and often more demanding than a spouse. But confusing true needs of the kids vs. committment to your spouse is sure to create chaos. Your child will grow up to have his own relationships, but if you are committed to your marriage, you will spend the remainder of your days with your wife. Her happiness should be as important as your own and will provide a solid foundation for your son to learn from. Harming your marital stability will hurt your son more than you know. With that said, I agree wholeheartedly that she should not stand in the way of your relationship with your son. She should encourage and accomodate this relationship to the best of her ability. Since this is her first marriage, she is bound to feel robbed of some of your attention and some amount of jealousy. She is obviously not ready to have him move in with you, so I hope you don't force that on her. Sometimes having a good relationship with a child is possible regardless of where the child lives. But I hope she will come to a middle ground with you. She has responsibilities in this marriage too. You should not be choosing between her and your child. If it is a matter of your child truly suffering for her decisions, then there are issues between you and your wife that need to be resolved, and that child's well-being should be a top priority. Your child needs you more at times and in ways that she does not. Accomodating these needs of your child does not mean you have to push her aside either, and vice versa. In a healthy marriage, you should not feel that you have to choose between her and your kids. So, the complicated answer, and this is my opinion, is that you should NOT push aside your child for your wife. However, you should stand with your wife on these decisions and not force her to do something that will break up your marriage. Give her some time and ask her to come to a middle ground with you that will allow you to show your child what a stable marriage consists of. It sounds like your ex does not exhibit behaviors that are abusive or harmful to the son, and it seems awfully young to tear him out of his mom's household. I hope this works out for you. By the way, it does seem like a double standard that her parents are living with you 6 months out of the year. That must also be a burden on your marriage and one she may be pushing on you unfairly. If it bothers you, set your foot down and tell her that this also feels like an uncalled for intrusion in your life too. But if it's not, the two issues are completely separate.