Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Posted by motivatedmother (My Page) on
Tue, Dec 1, 09 at 10:48

Hi im a 23 year old young mother of 3 and my 4th on the way...Yes a lot to handle. Im 7 months pregnant and have been married since july 11th to a long time friend. I really dont have anyone to talk to about my situation so i guess im seeking a little advice from someone that would know better then me. My husband is a great guy, funny personality and everyone that meets him would adore him. My 3 kids are not by him but he loves them like his own and im 7 months pregnant by him now with my 4th. Now to be honest before i got pregnant we used to hang out and party a lot when we had a babysitter.. a lot of drinking and hanging out with mutual friends, a little before i got pregnant i decided that there was a lot more to life then just having fun so i slowed down. He is 27 so he is 4 years older than me but maturity level im way ahead of him. Well anyways right now i do not work due to my pregnancy and he works 2 part time jobs. Burger king and at a pet store which he is just maintenance. Now how much money someone makes does not effect the way i feel about them but its what you do with it that does. Its kind of embarassing telling people my situtation but you wont understand or be able to give me the right advice unless i do. We live with my parents in a big house and the whole downstairs is ours. My father made it into an apartment because he actually wants us to stay, he doesnt even charge us rent, the only bills we have is a 250$ car payment and 200$ car insurance a month so to most people that is awesome. My husband still has a drinking problem,(well at least i think so) He cant go without having his beer...he might go 2 days but it will never last longer than that... i constantly complain about it because we have no money to buy stuff that we dont need and im concerned about his health also. And thats not the only thing he blows money on, its take out food, video games, just little stuff that a guy feels he needs in life. Right now we dont have 1$ to our name and nothing for the baby on the way. Just living paycheck to paycheck right now. But this is not even the beginning of my problems. Since i have not been working i basically just stay home and clean the house, do laundry, chase my other 3 kids everywhere, and never really get any rest for myself. I'm so big right now that i can barely do anything without feeling exausted. So anyways he goes to work at 6am and gets out around 11am and when he wakes up thats when im getting up to handle the kids needs. So by the time he gets home he feels that he needs a nap from working a 5 hour shift so im forced to continue doing what i've been doing since i woke up without any help...so even if he doesnt have to go to his second job which starts at 5pm he will still sleep for about 4 hours, then wake up and play his video games. im suprised he does not have bed sores because i swear he does not move off the bed unless its to use the bathroom or eat which he will eat in the bed too. He thinks because he works and i dont that its ok for him to not do anything all day, when i complain about it which i do a lot of complaing because for 1 he blows all the money he works for on himself and things he needs and never worries about what his pregnant wife needs or the baby comming will need. And he doesnt think that i ever need to rest or he just doesnt care enough, everytime i complain about something he blames it on me being pregnant, he says" oh god your just being pregnant, its your hormones" and he says that constantly, but deep down inside i really have all these issues with him even if i wasnt pregnant, i know he loves me dearly and he has this way of making a situation betetr at the time by trying to make me laugh or be so lovable and i will just brush it off until he does something to bring back all these emotions. I'm so overwhelmed with my emotions right now that i cant even get everything i need to say out, i dont even know the questions i need answered right now, i guess i just feel alone, and my husband is a great guy like i said but he is so immature and lazy... HE TALKS THE TALK BUT DOESNT WALK THE WALK and im not getting anywhere in life with him and he doesnt seem to care that we live with my parents. He just sits here all day playing games, sleeping, eating and going to work while im worried about how we are going to get our kids anything for christmas, and the new baby anything at all. Complaining isnt working anymore and its hard to stay mad at him because of his personality but i cry all the time when im alone because i feel helpless. The only time he even does anything with me is when he wants to have sex, he doesnt hold me, we dont watch movies together, t,v nothing. He does what he wants to do all day everyday. he is very selfsish... well thats all im going to write for right nwo because i dont even know if any of this is making sense, so please any feedback will be much appreciated or questions if you have any to make u better understand.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Well that's a fine mess you've described. What is it that you're seeking here?


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Well i guess for some advice.... I would like to know if what im going through is even serious enough to be worried about or if there is anything i can try to fix my problems, i mean there are so many little things that i feel are wrong and everytime i bring up a issue he uses the " Your just pregnant " thing on me. Its getting to the point where i dont wanna be around him at all and dont wanna lose my marriage over these issues


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Where did the first three children come from? Any of them his?


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

no my other 3 children came from another man that i was with for 7 years, the worst relationship i was ever in, the father to those children used to abuse me, cheat on me, and then went to jail. While he was in jail i got together with my husband that i have been friends with for 10 years and was a big difference from my baby father. Like i said my husband is a very good man, and has taken full care for my kids and now his custody.
My husband was the best man ever before we got married. But now that im pregnant and we are married he has gotten lazy, or maybe im just way more motivated than he is. Not sure if he is in a slump or not.
But for example, this is what his day consist of, he goes to work in the morning from 6am-11am comes home, goes straight to the bedroom and takes a nap that could last up to 4 hours, wakes up and starts to play his video games, and will come out if he is hungry and then go back to playing his games. In the beginning of my pregnancy he was so concerned about me, making sure i didnt need anything or if i felt ok. He doesnt really pay me any attention until he wants to have sex. But i understand that he is the only one working and wants to play his games and have his friends hang out with him sometimes but i also feel like i do a lot during the day even though i do not work. I wake up every morning to get my older son ready for school and then take care of my other 2 youngest, then by the time my husband gets home i still have to continue watching them and taking care of them... there is no rest for me its a non-stop job and being pregnant while taking care of 3 other kids is very stressful for me right now and he doesnt seem to realize that. If i need the trash taken outside or laudry baskets lifted up i have to ask him 5 or more times before he does it or he will forget. It's to the point that when he even talks to me i feel like i give him attitude because i have all these thoughts running through my head that he keeps brushing off because he thinks im just complaining due to my pregnancy.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

"...my husband is a very good man, and has taken full care for my kids and now his custody."

This completely contradicts what you described earlier. What, exactly, is your idea of a "good man"? "Full care"? "Custody"? I don't know what you mean by saying this.

"...other 3 children came from another man that i was with for 7 years..."

"...my husband that i have been friends with for 10 years...."

So...you've known your husband since you were 13. You've been sexually active since, at latest, 16 or so and have been more-or-less constantly pregnant since 18.

And now you're looking for advice about how to change your loser-husband's behavior because you're more "mature" and "motivated" than he is?

You've described yourself, your husband, and your parents as ridiculous people. I think this post is a hoax.

In the unlikely event that it isn't, my advice would be this: Tie your tubes. Get rid of your ding-bat husband. Thank your parents daily for making it possible for you to live and raise your children without any other visible means of support. Be as good a mom as you possibly can. Stay away from guys -- you're too horny and you choose poorly.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Asolo I have to say that I usually think you give pretty good advice. This advice however, is very harsh and damn near verbally abusive. This girl and I MEAN GIRL (she's only 23)came here for advice, maybe a little support, it sounds as if she's overwhelmed, and all you can do it tell her to tie her tubes because she's too horny and she chooses poorly? Better keep those opinions to yourself, they dont help anyone.

As for the motivated mom, it sounds as if your parents are a good support system for you. Your husband sounds like a child in a grown mans body. It could be that you are reacting to hormones, although, if I had three little ones and I was 7 months pregnant and my husband went to work for five hours, then came home and slept for four, ate, and played video games before going off to work again, I'd be pretty frustrated myself. That is a very depressing and lonely life. Take control of the situation, dont let him brush your feelings off as "just being pregnant". Let him know you are serious and not happy. I would also let him know that as things stand now, he is not supporting you emotionally or financially, so what do you need him for? Living rent free is a golden opportunity to save lots of money to buy your own home some day. There is no excuse for not having any money with only $450 per month in expenses. Take control of the situation, make him grow up or get out. You are soon going to have four children to care for. If the father of your three children isnt paying for child support, take him to court and get that done. It sounds like you need financial help. He shouldnt be able to get away with not supporting his children.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

"Better keep those opinions to yourself, they dont help anyone."

Actually, they would be quite helpful if she would consider any of them....which I doubt she will. Interesting, too, that your own observations and advice are quite similar to mine in essence. The only real difference is my advice for her to quit having babies she can't afford with guys that can't afford her or them.

I still think it smells like a hoax. Just something to get you and me going.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

WOW, i didnt think comming to this forum would really turn into this but whatever. I NEVER said i was perfect in any way or tried to make it seem that way. YES actually i have been sexually active very young, i had my first son at 16, then my daughter at 19 and my other son at 21. So yea i have been pregnant for most my life... i was also in a very controlling and abusive relationship and felt i had no other choice to make my own decisions but that is a whole other subject and not why i came here. I have supported my kids up until rescently due to my pregnancy and would not change the fact that i have them. And what i meant as my husband being a great man... i mean personality wise, like before all these lazy issues of his he used to make me laugh, i would have a great time being around him and it seemed picture perfect. and him taking full care of my kids...AS IN he is not their real father but excepts them as his, he used to go half on everything when i worked, but like i said rescently since i have been pregnant and only married a short time he has changed a lot, He is not mean to me or abuse me in anyway, but ASOLO dont even respond back to me because i think ur ignorant and judgmental. My parents are not ridiculous and if i had plenty of money to get my own house they would still want me here with them.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

OK, babycakes. No problem. It's not my life that's screwed up. Go on an have all the babies you want by way of whatever fools you want. It's worked for you so far.....if you call it "working". You wouldn't change anything? Oh, that's precious!

Of course your parents want you there. If they don't support you their daughter and 3 1/2 grandchildren will be on the street. Your self interest and sexual carelessness has everybody wrapped all around you. Your so-called husband you've reduced to describing "personality-wise" because in any practical sense, he's worthless. He's cruising on your parents just like you are. You're both in la-la land!

In this way, you've been a fool since mid-teen years and now you're looking for pats on the head and congratulations for it. Want everybody to know what a wonderful mother you are and why doesn't your latest boyfriend/husband/jerk come to the party? You've had "entitlement" in your head since you were a teenager and want reinforcement for it here, now. You've got a head full of fantasy.

Actually, I'll bet you are a wonderful mother.

Dump your loser husband. Make nice with your parents. Raise your kids well. Please.

Over and out.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Asolo, I suspect your life IS IN FACT SCREWED UP and therefore you like to put other people down!!! It's not the first time I see a post such as this one coming from you. People come here for some sort of support. Most of them realize what went wrong in their lifes.

I don't understand why you're still allowed to post on this forum!!!!!


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Freedom of speech, and if you can look past the harsh (at times delivery) He's usually pretty insightful, if not (dare I say it cause I know I'll be the recipient of it sooner or later)..scathing.

But Asolo raises some very good points. For example, whats so great about this guy, besides his personality at times? OP has a good set up there at her parents, but I'm betting they aren't too keen on supporting her boyfriend too. Come on, that's a lot to ask.

What is OP's plan after she delivers? go back to school, save some money and become self sufficient? Seems she needs to make plans for herself and kiddies and not even worry about BF right now. I say if he is staying for the duration and living off your parents he needs to be doing all their yard work and helping around the house there whilst under employed, and helping with these children-not playing video games... Sigh.

I'll say this young lady, you have some very kind and helpful parents.

~Cat


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

First i would like to say.... ASOLO... I KNOW that my life is screwed up and has been since i was younger, thats why i said in the first post i am just going to tell u everything no matter how embarassing it is, and i am not denying the fact that my husband is LAZY, thats why i came here in the first place. And my parents dont support my kids, because FOR ONE....I am not lazy and i have always worked and do know how to save money and have bank accounts for all of my kids and myself. I knew to save money b4 i took maternity leave and have a GREAT job when i deliver, i just dont want to be doing it alone. So you can stop saying that my parents support my kids. I'm not denying the fact that they do a lot for me, like i said even if i had plenty of money they would still try and do everything for me, its the type of family i come from, their parents did it for them. Anyways i think it was a mistake comming here because i lost complete track on why i even did in the first place, I may have posted my first post wrong or may have confused some because i am so overwhelmed by a lot of emotions it was hard to even write it down the way i felt. But im doen talking in here because it really hasn't helped me with anything... i wasnt looking for pitty or a pat on the back at all... i was looking for an answer to my problem but it seems as if you just took parts of my life i let you know just to understand where i was comming from and just used it against me and found it amusing.

Thank you, you helped so much


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Motivated, I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt, God knows I have been lambasted good myself here, even recently. Don't let that send you away as folks here really do want to help.

What is it you are actually asking advice for? I've read your posts again, to me it seems as though you are completely overwhelmed and I can understand that. It's a lot on your plate.

I'm certainly not one to give advice since my own marriage is a mess. But if I were to, my suggestion would be to give your DH a swift kick in the **s and tell him to get it together or get lost. You will need lots of help with Baby coming and not him to take care of too. Wish you the best of everything and glad your parents are able to help you.

I was a single parent for many years and made it through, actually that part of my life was MUCH easier and peaceful than this marriage..Something to ponder. Stay healthy.

~Cat


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

"....i was looking for an answer to my problem..."

There isn't one. You want your husband to change into a different being. Neither you nor anyone else can accomplish that. Maybe he'll change. Maybe he won't. All you know is what you've got right now. And what you've got is bad news and unresponsiveness. You could spend a lifetime waiting/hoping for something different. If he doesn't get the message with you 7 months pregnant plus the other three, exactly when/how do think he might get it? Dump him. He's worthless. You're being used.

"...i let you know just to understand where i was comming from and just used it against me and found it amusing."

You're wrong about that. I've found absolutely nothing amusing in any of this.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Insightful is one thing;
calling someone babycakes & saying "you've been a fool" is another.

It almost sounds like someone is speaking from a position of...entitlement?


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Yo Sylvia. Understand you don't like me much. Nothing new there. On the other hand, your advice/contribution for the OP is....exactly....what? Any lights in that attic?

Suggest clearing the decks. I've obviously become an obstruction. In the interest of allowing this thread to re-focus on the OP I'm dropping out. If you've got some wisdom for her, put it out there.

I promise nothing more from me on this one.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Op,
Is your Dh working these part time jobs because there is no full time work avail in your area, or is it a lack of training/education? Was thinknig more on your situation today and perhaps he could attend some training/school so he could get a better full time job. I just can't see why he would not be working full time, even if he had to work 3 part time jobs to make it so?

You state this

" My husband still has a drinking problem,(well at least i think so) He cant go without having his beer...he might go 2 days but it will never last longer than that... i constantly complain about it because we have no money to buy stuff that we dont need and im concerned about his health also. And thats not the only thing he blows money on, its take out food, video games, just little stuff that a guy feels he needs in life. "

This is worrisome. Have you spoken to your parents at all about your situation? I think maybe it is time for you, your parents & your DH to have a sit down and put all your cards on the table to your DH. If he needs treatment for his alcoholism, insist he go or at least go to AA daily. I just don't see how this can work out well for you (the marriage) unless your DH A. Takes you seriously and B. Is willing to address the big issues.
alcohol abuse, not working full time, and pulling his own weight around home.

Only suggest involving your parents in talking with him about this as he doesn't seem to be taking you seriously so maybe if your folks are there too he may realize the jig is up.

What do you want to do/think you should do?

~Cat


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Well he only works part time jobs right now because there hasnt been any full time posistions avail. Slowly his morning job is giving him more. He works in the morning cleaning which is about 30 hours per week and today they told him if he could do sales in the afternoon when they needed him because they like his attitude ( which is the only great thing about him) so slowly the money will pick up and its funny you mention having a talk with my parents and him because last night i begged my father to talk to him. See im so used to looking at my parents marriage and always dreamed of having a marriage just like them. My father works 13 hours a day and gets as much overtime as he possibly can just to take care of my mom. My mother works with my husband, but my husband makes more then her. But my father talked to him last night and didnt sugar coat anything.. my father loves my husband as if he were his own son so hopefully it all sank into my husbands head the conversation they had. I def dont want my marriage to end, i love my husband with all my heart and really couldnt picture being without him and he does have what it takes to be a great man, but he is so used to having everythign handed to him and its going to be hard to break him out of that. I feel more like his mother then wife right now, but we will see how things go from last night i guess


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Well, that's hopeful and glad your dad had a talk with him. He needs to know his behavior is unacceptable not just to you but your family.
Just know where your end point is with this, where you draw line with him. I would strongly suggest he get additional work education/training too. In todays world your lucky to have a job with a degree.

-Cat


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Hi - I'm just chiming in now although I've watched the thread. I see 2 things in your last post:

>>My father works 13 hours a day and gets as much overtime as he possibly can just to take care of my mom.

>>...but he is so used to having everythign handed to him and its going to be hard to break him out of that.

You grew up watching your father work hard to "take care of" your mom (am I correct in assuming that she didn't work outside of the house?), yet you are concerned that your husband wants everything handed to him (and is not acting like your father did). You've chosen a polar opposite of your father, or you're expecting more from him than he expects to give. Are you wanting to be taken care of? Are you going to go back to work after baby #4 (not sure why you're not working now at 7 months; but then I don't know what kind of work you do). Who takes care of the children when you do work?

I'm not saying that you are at fault or that your husband is at fault. I'm just saying that it seems (all we know is what you write) that you expect to be taken care of like your mom, and you have married a man who is used to being handed everything.

It's not going to work unless you and he get to serious counseling to get help in making it work. Even then, I have my doubts. 4 children at 23 is a huge burden (although I'm sure they're delightful). I hope that you aren't planning any more at least until your life gets evened out to the way you'd like it. It's pretty easy to not have children these days. I know you love them and wouldn't change having them; that's wonderful. But a figured-out home life would be best for them, too, as I'm sure you know.

My advice would be to get couple's help; leave your parents out of the middle of it so it doesn't seem like 3 against 1 to him, and determine just why this guy seems to be so all-fired wonderful as you say he is except for this issue (which is actually multiple things he does that bother you). FRankly, I'd boot him to the curb. But you can't keep doing that with the load that you're carrying and I guess you should explore counseling to try to make it work. You and he have accepted the responsibilities of mature adults and you owe it to each other and your family to fill that role.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Suzie-- thank you for your advice but a couple of things you misunderstood. My mom has also worked her whole life, she has been a manager to a pet store but has never made nearly as much as my father. All her checks do is pay for the mortgage bill but she still works, its just that my father has a betetr job and works harder. I was just saying that i admire their marriage and always wanted what they had. They love eachother, they are faithful, share everything and go everywhere together. And no i do not want everythign handed to me. I worked up until 3 months ago because i have high risk pregnancy. my blood pressure kept going up and downa and i get light headed a lot so was unable to work, but as soon as i have the baby im only taking 2 weeks until i go back to being an emergency dispatcher. I love to work and rather be outside the house than stuck in the house. Well so far since we all have talked even tho i had to involve the parents it has been ok.. if things dont seem to be working i am Def going to see a counselor because i dont want to even bring up divorce. But thank you for your advice


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Thanks for explaining; you're right, I had the wrong assumption. I think you're very wise to see counselor. I hope that he or she can help; you've got a tough situation and I feel for you.

And I don't blame you at all for hoping for a marriage like your parents have; it sounds wonderful.

Best,

Suzieque


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

All her checks do is pay for the mortgage bill but she still works, its just that my father has a betetr job and works harder

When I first read this sentence I wanted to scream. The fact that your Mom pays the mortgage is a HUGE thing!! Your Dad may have a better job, Does he truly work harder? If your Mom is working and taking care of the house, Trust me she is working Just as hard. Don't take what I am saying as an attack I just need to make a point here. Try not to trivialize what she does, or make it seem as if what she does is inferior to what your Dad does. If you admire their marriage and have always wanted what they have, Does this mean that you should think of yourself as inferior to yout husband? Because let me tell you this, It sounds like you are working HARDER than YOUR husband, and perhaps don't think that your needs (and the needs of your unborn baby) are important enough for you to stand up and fight for them?

You are not currently raising 3 children, you are raising 4, with one on the way. Yes I consider your husband a child. and an EXTREMELY selfish one at that. How long are you willing to live like this? Since your husband is acting like a child, perhaps you need to treat him like one. Take away the video games, and tell him he can't have them back until he steps up and acts more like a Husband/father. Take his checks from work and give him an allowance(10dollars). Tell Him no more food is allowed in your bedroom, Pack Him a lunch for work, since he won't be eating any more fast food, unless he wants to spend his allowance on some. Things he NEEDS, vs Things he wants are 2 totally different things. Tell him that since he wants to nap when he gets home after a 5 hour shift, You need a nap as well, Only YOU get yours first.

Stand up for yourself, Part of the reason that he does what he does is because YOU allow it. How long do you want to live like this?

One last thing, If he thinks that working outside the home is so TOUGH, Have him stay home and do what you do ALL day, While wearing a 25 pound weight on his stomach area, all with no nap, no rest........


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

There's a pervasive assumption many women make that Marriage = Security.
That somehow, just by being married, they have more security than if they weren't married.
OK - If by security, they mean having a man in the house in case some wacko breaks in -- then yes, if he's home, they have some 'security.'

But otherwise?
A man who contributes next to nothing in the way of housework,
one whose financial contributions barely cover the expenses his being there adds to the household,
one whose constant criticism, controlling nature or rages make other family members walk on eggshells,
one whose neglect, scorn or disrespect diminishes the woman's self-esteem rather than enhancing it...

(NOT that the OP's husband has all of these problems)

But WHY on earth would any woman think she is better off with that compared to free and empty air -- and an opportunity for better.

I could be wrong, but I sense some of this in your marriage. Like you somehow thought that being married would make your life more stable and secure, and 'unmake' some of your earlier mistakes.
And if that's the case, I think you're mistaken...


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

I also smell a hoaxy post here but anyway...

1. Please visit Planned Parenthood after you deliver. Four children are enough in your situation. You don't have to single handedly re-populate the Earth.

2. We have NO POWER over other people, we can only change ourselves. I'm talking about your husband. Marriage is not the golden answer to your life, you still have to make good decisions. Please attend a meeting for families of alcoholics.

Asolo - this is why I don't come to this forum much anymore - the educational/critical thinking level is just...sad. Makes you annoyed.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

"this is why I don't come to this forum much anymore - the educational/critical thinking level is just...sad. Makes you annoyed."

so.....

You'd come here more often, & you'd be less "annoyed" if the people seeking advice/support had more education????

I doubt that OP posted here to have her life critiqued, to have her choices lambasted, to be subjected to name-calling & sarcasm;
it sounds to me like she's looking for some insight or some *helpful* advice.

(& the fact that I don't have enough experience, insight, or wisdom to advise her doesn't mean that I can't object to someone attacking her.)


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

My god, I have seen some rude comments posted on some of these posts and threads, but it would seem that some people have only seen perfect homes and situations. Life is truly none of those, even when you think you have a handle on it.

I live in a small town area where the OP's comments could come from any of 10 people I could name off the top of my head. Situations like this can creep into your life through 1 careless moment and follow you forever.

OP, I can understand where you are coming from. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first child. I was married when she was born. I was careful and didn't have another until I was 26. The situation, however, didn't change. I lived with a callous, controlling, abusive husband for 13 years. Yes, 13! I can see the past clearly now, and I am still wondering what I was thinking. The first thing I learned was that you teach people how to treat you. If you let them get away with behavior you don't like, then you can't complain when they continue. I am not saying in any way that you deserved any bad treatment, but as an adult, you need to make stronger choices. You need to stand up for yourself and not let your husband treat you the way he is. The simple fact is that yes, you are hormonal and tired and frustrated, but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less. I would like for you to think, if you will, what marriage do you want your children to see you in? If it comes right down to it, would you rather have your children see you as a strong, determined, hard working single mother, or a weak woman who was willing to trade her dignity away for love without respect? I for one, don't want my children seeing me as a rug for people, especially the ones I love, to walk on. Maybe you just need to decide what you really want from your husband, and go from there. He needs to be willing to do as much for you as you do for him.

Understanding is all well and good, but your husband needs a wake up call. He is an adult and your parents and you won't be there to take care of him forever.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Its funny to see how people think my posting was a hoax, im sorry if my life seems so out of the ordinary but sorry to say its not, i came on here because i have nobody else to talk to, maybe the people with ignorant things to say are the ones who need the help. No matter what i have ever been through or what i put myself through i would never be rude or unkind to someone else. But anyways as for the people with good advice i would like to thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Since i have came on here i have talked with my husband and my parents, and also wrote my husband a LONGGGGGG letter which seemed a little corny but i thought if i didnt give him a chance to speak without reading everything i felt was a good idea. So far so good. Ever since then he has not had to take " a nap" after work, he actually gives me plenty of time to rest.
There was a lot of stress between us with the holidays comming because as i said in a earlier post, he doesnt make much money but we somehow we got through christmas shopping for the kids, it was like a big weight lifted off our shoulders. But i can see he is trying to make me happy now, he offers back rubs b4 i go to sleep, tryies to run bath water for me, cleans the house and offers to help with anything, lol it seems as if he is trying to hard but i am LOVING it right now. Like i said he is a good man but was getting very lazy, and hopefully the way he is acting right now can last. I have 5 more weeks until the new baby boy comes, and Yes this will be my last child, i am getting my tubes tied while i am at the hospital. Thanky ou everyone for your good advice, i really appreciate it. You just dont know how you can effect someone else's life with some simple words.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Best wishes and Merry Christmas to you and your family.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

" Like i said he is a good man but was getting very lazy, and hopefully the way he is acting right now can last."

That's great to hear --
Be sure you tell him how much you appreciate his increased contributions and show him in other ways as well (wink, wink) Tell him often -- He won't get tired of hearing it!


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

In case OP comes back to this thread, I wanted to comment on excellent questions raised by suzieque:

Are you going to go back to work after baby #4 (not sure why you're not working now at 7 months; but then I don't know what kind of work you do). Who takes care of the children when you do work?

OP, I noticed you did not answer these questions. And, in relation to those questions:

Will your mom take care of your children free of charge?

I'm assuming she can't do that since she works?

If she can't, what will you do with the children after the baby is born -- since you're planning to go back to work?

Daycare is expensive. It sounds as though you would have 3 children in daycare, plus you may need after-school care for your oldest child.

Does your regular job pay enough to pay daycare/after-school care fees, and have anything left over?

It may actually cost you to work -- especially when you factor in costs of gasoline, car upkeep, lunches, and other miscellaneous (but not inconsequential) costs related to working.

If your folks are going to pay for all these costs -- daycare, after-school care, costs of working, and medical costs for you and your baby's care -- all I can say is WOW, they are indeed amazing.

If not, you may want to consider staying home with the children to save money -- no joke. Newborns and even older babies and children in daycare tend to get sick much more often than those who are able to stay at home, which incurs additional medical bills.

You may already know that studies show that newborns also need quality and quantity time to bond with Mommy. Yes, Daddy is a huge factor, as well. But newborns by nature focus on Mommy for months.

Are you planning to breast-feed? Not only is it much less expensive than buying formula, but it's also a much-healthier alternative for the baby. (It even helps to prevent post-partum syndrome and shed pregnancy weight.)

Cloth diapers are also a big savings over disposables. They also have a number of other advantages.

These two things alone could help you save a lot of money.

My circumstances as a young wife were not identical to yours, but my DH and I did have several young children at one time, and my voice here is a voice of experience.

God bless you and yours.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

situation sounds hopeless, I just don't see any end to this unless you take some drastic measures. I believe you are a good mother but you got to take care of your life!

I would lose a guy, who needs a husband like that..."makes me laugh" is important but good comedian makes me laugh too and i don't have to marry him.

27 is way too old to live at parents not paying rent, having no education and no career. if he is this way at 27, he will not change. what do you even talk to him about, he works unrewarding jobs, sleeps and plays videogames, he doesn't sound like someone you can have interesting conversation with.

4 hour nap, it is ridiculous.

thank your parents 24/7, then try to get some education so you can support your children. are you legally married to him?


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

hello again...i came back to see if anyone wrote anything else. Well to Mara...My mother doesnt work anymore, and she is willing to watch my children while i go back to work. I am not going to go back right after the baby is born because i know i need to spend time with him. Plus i am very excited and will want to spend time with him. My job pays good, when i left for pregnancy leave it supported me and my 3 children without any financial help from my parents. i paid for everything they needed and my own bills. Oh and i do plan on breastfeeding this time, they do offer me a program called WIC ( woman infant children) for free formula but i wanted to try something more healthy for baby. And the cloth diapers i am going to do because my Aunt actually is into everything Organic and she talked me into it. Thank you for your advice...and as for "FINEDREAMS" nothing is hopeless, actually i have a lot to talk with my husband about and we are LEGALLY married since july 11th 09 but anyways ever since i have had all of these issue's with him he had completley turned everything around for me and my children. He is back in culinary school and getting his buisiness managment lisence so he can own his own restaraunt and he cleans up around the house in between jobs and lets me rest. On the weekends is when he will have his guy friends come over and hang out but he always makes sure im ok first. I think that he just wasnt taking me serious and when he saw how much stress i was going through he finally stepped his game up and realized what life is all about. I love him a lot and would never want to get a divorce, im so thankful for this site because i recieved great advice and encouragement to speak up for myself and if i havnt then i dont know what would of happened. Thank you everyone for the good advice and even some of the harsh advice...but one thing is that i have learned....NOTHING IS HOPELESS and i would never let someone tell me otherwise. People that tell me that just push me harder to do what i have to do. Thank you everyone :)


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

You sound like you will be fine motivatedmother, you are right to say "NOTHING IS HOPELESS".

Make sure hubby keeps up his end of the bargain.

I wish you well with the birth of your child.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

Wow, I just read all the posts. Thought I'd add my comments to motivatedmother.

I'm also pregnant at the moment, so I totally understand the hormonal thing, the size thing, work, all of it. Difference between us is that I'm a little older and married to the most wonderful man. That said I'm sure I'm about to make someone angry but here goes......

Actually I thought Asolo's comments were not mean but helpful and to the point. It may not be something you want to hear at the moment which is another thing. This is a bad situation you're in.

I'm sorry, but if you are living at home at this age, and with 3, almost 4 children, your parents are indeed supporting you. You should be grateful for that and acknowledge them for it. They don't have to do it but they do because they love you and your children.

If you wanted a marriage like your parents, it was possible, but you chose the wrong person. Actions speak louder than words and you should have chosen someone who is actually in the process doing things to achieve the life you want to live, like an education, greater job responsibility, and so on.

Any adult man who plays video games is a HUGE clue on his emotional and mental maturity. Adult men who are emotionally and mentally mature spend their time with their families or doing things that will otherwise benefit the family. They are committed to their family FIRST. I don't mean to say they don't have hobbies or interests of their own because of course everyone does, however, video games as an adult man's "hobby" would be alarming to me. Video games cost a lot of money and take up a lot of time, time away from family. They are a great way for adults to avoid spending time with others, isolate yourself, or to zone out of/avoid reality.

I think your husband spends his money on HIS wants (vs needs) because he's immature, another HUGE problem. He is not focused on you or the baby, or the other three children you have. He's focused on himself. This would be very alarming to me.

Your parents are in an awful position and I feel for them. They obviously love you and your children and want to help you. From your husband's perspective, they are great because they support him and this relieves him of responsibilty towards you and even himself. It allows him to continue to be immature. There's no incentive to change. If he really wanted to grow up, he'd take this golden opportunity to get some skills which he could evenutally use to better his life, your life and that of your children. A mature man would be looking for ways to build a better life for himself, you and your children, whatever way he could, even getting another part time job if that's all that is available.

As wonderful as I'm sure your children are, I hope you will not have any more until you are capable of providing for them yourself so they will have the best chance at a better future. You owe them that. That means more than just food and shelter. Are you saving for their future education for example? Are you saving for your own home? Your parents provided a home for you, and you should provide a home for them.

Even if you continue to live at home for the rest of your life, and you work and save for them, you have chosen a difficult path. You are now responsible for 4 lives in addition to your own. It doesn't sound like you will ever have much support from their fathers. You have created a difficult life for yourself, not impossible, but much more difficult than it needed to be. Whatever the past was, you have to make today the best it can be so just do it.

I think what you are asking here is how you might change your husband to be the man you want him to be. Well, unfortunately that's just not possible. You can only control yourself. You have no control over him. You can suggest, ask, beg, plead, cry, explain, reason, force, threaten, manipulate, or whatever else you want but you will never be able to change him, only he can do that. That's why we must be especially careful in who we choose to marry and have children with. We can't let emotions rule our head. Teach your children this so you won't have 4 children with their husbands/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends, plus all their children looking to you to provide for them. That's a lot of people.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. Words are easy to say, but actions actually require hard work and lots of effort. Don't listen to what he says, look a what he does. If they are different what he is doing is who he really is. That will tell you what kind of a person he is and what kind of life you will have.

I truly wish you the best in your pregnancy and with the coming baby. I hope you will work all this out, however it ends, and that you are able to improve the situation for yourself, your children, and your parents. Yes, I include your parents in that because since you live with them which makes them part of your immediate family life.

You already know everything you need to do, the answer is in your heart.


 o
RE: Not married a year, a lot of issues already

I didn't mean that it is hopeless, i said it is hopeless UNLESS you make some changes. I'd like to believe that things will get better..But I remain very skeptical.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here