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Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Posted by wifey1281 (My Page) on
Thu, Dec 6, 12 at 10:14

Oh my Lord, this just occurred to me. First of all, please let me apologize for starting yet another thread but I wanted to make sure this one got noticed. From my previous thread, my last entry:

"About 10 minutes into the session, she had to offer to switch me to someone else when she discovered who my husband was, because she knows him. They worked together many years ago on implementing a sports component for an after school community program. She thinks I should get his input on how he feels about her counseling me."

"Hubby is away :( but wonder of wonders, did call to see how the session went. He says he doesn't remember her from my description"

Something about the offer to recuse herself was bothering me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I mean, suppose we were both active members of the church, and she knew us that way? Or just knew him as public figure? Would that mean she couldn't counsel us (although if we were a couple it would have included a male counselor/minister also). And isn't it a common thing for ministers to know the members? So I'm wondering, could she have meant by saying that she knew him, that she REALLY KNEW him? Or maybe they were attracted to each other even if they never got involved? Why would she have asked me to discuss this with him? Maybe she was leaving it to him to tell me that they were involved with each other somehow?
Should I pursue this? Should I come out and ask her? Should I try to make him known to her. He was doing a lot of work in the community back then when his career was mostly local, so I can see how he may not remember her. The fact that he doesn't remember her really isn�t saying much, since she has a different last name, I could not think of her first name, and she hasn't been a minister that long so he wouldn't have known her as a minister. So he can only go by my physical description of her, which there is nothing that unique to identify her. She is a beautiful woman, almost star quality good looks and a good figure. Probably the description of just about every woman he was involved with!

I'm really in a quandary because I really liked her even from our brief encounter after church. She seemed like such a calming force to my stress. But gosh, if I knew they were involved somehow it is no way I could continue (could I?).

Maybe I should just ask for another counselor anyway and just be done with it?

Or maybe she could counsel me objectively, since she didn't just refuse to counsel me without giving me a choice?

Or maybe I'm just going off the deep end about this meaning more than she implied?

Your thoughts, PLEASE! Thanks!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

OK I'll be honest...based on her response, if your are jumping to conclusions like that...I think you will have a tough time in the long run being married to a guy like your husband. It sounds you have a long way to go in terms of "trust" in your relationship, if a benign statement like that raises your suspicions. Let's face it, based on who you say he is, there's going to be an endless string of people who have had some interactions with him...and from what you say, many will be attractive women. Sounds like you are going to have to either learn how to just let those thoughts run off your back, or are really going to have to build up the trust in your marriage.

I don't know...in some ways I think this is probably very typical of rich and/or powerful men who marry "regular" women (i.e. not well-known). In life, with everything good comes some bad, and let's face it, the same thing that attracts you to him attracts countless other women, they are attracted to wealth and fame. It's part of the whole package....I know everyone wants all the good parts of life and none of the bad things, but it pretty much never works that way unfortunately.



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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Mkroopy I confess to not understanding what trusting my husband has to do with this? It doesn't matter to me who he was involved with before we were married.

My only concern is I think it strange that she wouldn't be able to counsel me just because she worked with my husband on a project ... unless it was more involved than that. If it was, then she might not be objective enough. But other than that reason, I don't care if they were involved or not.

I know this comes across as sort of terse, but I think it was established that I am having a tough time being married to him. That's why I'm going to counseling.

BTW, I would hardly classify us as "rich". I don't think you even discuss rich until you cross the $1mil/year mark. But your 3rd paragraph is spot on. I'm definitely a "regular" person, and I don't know if I would call him "powerful" but he's definitely at the top of his game in his career. Oddly enough that's one of the things the counselor and I discussed in our first session - how I view myself up against how I view who he is. But you are definitely wrong about the money and fame. I could care less about either of those things (well, okay, the money ain't bad). But I made enough money as a single woman to enjoy my single life. Actually, I wish we both were "regular" people then we would lead a more "regular" life.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond.

This post was edited by wifey1281 on Thu, Dec 6, 12 at 17:54


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

I must admit, my first thought when you said your counsellor told you she knows your husband, was that it was all above board. Otherwise I think she would have kept her mouth shut.
But, since she opened the door, I think you would get a straight answer from her if you asked her how well she knew your husband, and if she felt she could be objective.


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Colleen I'm thinking the same thing. I just didn't want to offend her in case it was above board.


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Wifey -

It is considered a boundary issue, and a conflict of interest, and an issue of ethics amongst professional counselors to counsel or be a therapist to someone you know or will likely be involved with in the future. Therapists are not to socialize with clients at all -

Obviously, ministers will work with congregation, but ministers are ministering at all time not just in the therapy room. Ideally ministers are not hanging out, outside of church with parishoners.

Counselors have every right for any reason to decide it is not a fit. She may believe she knows things about him that will keep her from being fair. She may have him mistaken for someone else. There could be a million reasons for it - why try to figure that out? Accept it as face value and move on.


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Well, I decided to just go ahead and ask the counselor if she and my husband were involved beyond a working relationship on the project. I told her that he didn't remember her. She said no, she wasn't involved with him beyond a working relationship, but there is more to it than that so it is only fair that he knows who is counseling me. She could not disclose more than that buto once he remembers he will get a chance to give his input. she didn't think about the fact that he wouldn't know her married name and that she was now a minister so I now have her first name and maiden name and I'm supposed to ask him again.

I asked what if he won't tell me what else was involved. She says that will be okay as long as he knows. The situation that took place happened a long time ago and has no bearing on our marriage, but he might have a problem with her counseling me because of it.

Ughhh!!! Wish I had waited to ask her until I could talk to him right away!


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Why would you not find another counselor? This is a really bad way to begin. Did she process with you therapeutically the fact that you thought they had been lovers? Major transferrence issues. Make sure you are working with a trained licensed therapist. You have some serious issues which will be escalated with a child. Dont be foolish with your choices. Ministers are great for spiritual guidance. Marriage and Family Therapists are trainef for 4 years beyond college to handle your problems with accuracy and proper boundaries. Be proactive.....just like you need to be in your matriage.


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

I talked to my husband. After thinking about it after we talked, he thought that's who she was but he could not believe that given the circumstances she would have had the nerve to counsel me. But he knew it had to be her. I agreed. I spoke with her and repeated his story just to make sure. Yep, she said that was pretty much the way it went. I told her no, under the circumstances she could not counsel me. In fact, I will go somewhere else altogether to look for counseling.


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Initially I thought she was merely disclosing as an ethical boundary issue. Since she is (was) counseling you individually it was only right that she let know she had a previous connection with your husband. It's an aspect of trust and confidentiality.

However, I think she handled the disclosure poorly, and should have just recommended a more suitable counselor once she realized who your husband is.

I hope this doesn't discourage you from pursuing counseling. It's not at all unusual to have a number of sessions with different counselors before finding the person who is the "right fit."


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

"However, I think she handled the disclosure poorly, and should have just recommended a more suitable counselor once she realized who your husband is."

I think she handled the whole thing poorly. We even did the entire one hour session after her disclosure, even though she said he should be told it was her. That was the one thing that made me think that MAYBE just MAYBE it was aboveboard.

I'm not so much discouraged as I am thinking I ain't got time for this. We have so much to do to get our place ready for the holidays and doing some entertaining. And it seems like I am beginning the "sleepy stage" of pregnancy or maybe it's just I'm tired of it all. I actually thought today that I wish hubby would be gone for a couple more days so I could get some things done! We've been trying to do it together when he's here but it's like everything just takes so long trying to do it together. Uughh! Just frustrated with everything right now

/end rant/


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Are you confusing urgent with important? Decorating and entertaining may seem urgent and I'm sure you're feeling the pressure, but resolving your marital issues is far more important.

This is one Christmas. Your marriage and your impending birth are for the long-term. Much higher priority.

Cut back where you can on your holiday obligations. Hire someone to come in and clean and decorate. You body will thank you for the additional rest.

Consider asking your Ob-gyn for counseling referrals. Doctors often have a number of names in their book, and since she also knows you, the person(s) she recommends are more likely to be a good fit. Consider it all part of a healthy pregnancy.


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RE: Oh, NO!!!! Is this a dealbreaker?

Wifey, I agree with readinglady. There is NOTHING more important that getting into counseling with the right person so that you can feel at peace in your marriage (or out of it if that is where the counseling takes you). I have been depressed before, and counseling is definitely what helps. I saw someone who had a practical slant, helping me figure out how to handle what was going on in my life.

Best wishes. For the sake of your baby and you, please make the counseling a priority. There are good counselors out there. You will find one.


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