husband battered and left by wife

16 years ago

It has been around few years of my marriage,My wife is short tempered from the start, but recently from the past 3 months, she has taken her sarcasm, her anger, her temper to the next level by physically abusing me. She hits me, throws things at me, and always threatens me that she will call the cops and complain that i have been hitting her, though the fact is that it was she who was hitting me all the time. I get real scared. I was living in this threatened and scary environment with her.

Millions of times in the past years, she has threatened me that she wants divorce, that our relationship is not working out, and we have many incompatibilities in likes and dislikes and hobbies.

All of a sudden, to my shock one day she left me and she is living separate. I have pleaded and begged her to come back, but she refused.

I feel helpless and am in a hopeless situation, i feel i can easily slip into depression.

My first question is,

(1) can she still call the cops now, and file a false complaint against me: that i was physically abusing her, and thats the reason she left? And am i in any danger, can i be arrested based on these false reasons?

My second question is:

(2) She has been threatening for divorce for a long time now, and for many times. Can she file a divorce under the reason of physical abuse? If she can, would i be in any danger, can i be arrested because of that?

Thanks and best regards

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Comments (17)

finedreams
16 years ago
She beats you up and you want her back? Makes no sense. She wanted to get divorced for a long time and now her leaving shocks you? Why is it shocking to you? You said you lived in fear all the time, so why do you want her back? I don't get it.

She can accuse you of anything she wants, but there has to be some proof: witnesses, evidence, police reports, doctor's observations etc. If she has none of that she cannot prove anything.
asolo
16 years ago
The answer to both of your questions is she'll do whatever she feels like doing and you'll have to deal with whatever that may be. This isn't something you can control. Only control you have is over yourself.

Good news is she's gone. Change the locks and get going on your divorce. If you get depressed, deal with it if/when it comes. Except for your emotional turmoil, this is a very practical matter.
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carla35
16 years ago
I don't think there would be enough evidence (if any) for you to get arrested, etc... just on her word on something that 'could' have happened months ago. I wouldn't worry about getting arrested.

But, I too don't understand why you still want to be with her so bad and would be depressed if she wouldn't come back.

There is something strange about your worry and questions that make me want to ask you something. I am in no way trying to blame you who I do see as the victim, but I do know of cases where men really don't think they are hitting their wives when they are. And I certainly don't want to blame you for her wrong doing, but are you sure she wasn't hitting you back or hitting to get away from you, or that you shoved her harder than you thought, etc.? I just find it very odd that you are scared that you could be arrested based only on her word. Makes me think maybe something else (physical proof, etc) is there and you're just not admitting to it or remembering it. Did your wife ever tell you why she left; did she say she was going to file for divorce because of physical abuse? Again, sorry to even mention it, just not understanding why you would think YOU would get arrested, and why you'd still want to be with someone that would not only beat you up, but who could file such false accusations against you (really, what kind of a person does that?).

I would think her "beatings" haven't been around enough for you to develop any kind of battered wife(husband) syndrome and you don't seem to be making excuses for her hitting which is usually done... you are just more afraid of what she may say. Any woman can accuse their husband of anything at any time. Again, she can't really prove anything so I wouldn't waste much time worrying. Deal with the accusations only if/when they happen.
finedreams
16 years ago
Change the locks is a good advice! MY SO neglected it and it turned out that his X still had a spare key over a year after divorce. There was an evidence that she went inside the house (much after divorce and house is his now) and took some stuff that she previously demanded from the grown kids and they refused to give it to her. She simply went in and got it on her own. How about that? So change the lock.
debo_2006
16 years ago
I can't understand why you'd want her back. She's abusive, and people like this generally don't change -- without help anyway. She did you a favor by moving out on her own.

Change the locks and keep her out. Also, for what it's worth, print a copy of your posting here and file it away along with notes about your relationship. You just never know when you might need something like this in court. Not that it actually proves anything, but it does state facts about what she's doing to you in your own words.

Also, you may want to consider getting a restraining order against her. With this, if it comes down to court, will indicate that she's the one who's been violating you. Why else would you file for one, right?

Get the help you need to move on with you life so that the depression doesn't get the best of you. Life is too short to live with an abusive person, and you should be so lucky that she's the one who left before you had to force her out.

Good luck.
tenderchichi
16 years ago
As painful as it is, be happy this she is gone. You can't control anything she decides to do. I'm wondering if she might have been instigating a physical fight in the hopes that you might hit her and then she could call the cops on you. She could have been looking for a way to leave while making you into a "bad" guy.

Your intitial posts gives me the feeling that you are shocked and confused by what happened.

Sometimes people end a relationship leaving the other person in shock. They mull it all over in their heads far in advance. Then one day they let the other person know that it is over. They walk away without a look back because they have done the work of separation in their heads far in advance. The recipient is often in shock because they did not know it was coming.
imamommy
16 years ago
The first thing you should do is find support. Domestic violence is usually associated with male abusers and very often not reported by male victims. That's probably why so many people are asking why would you want her back. The pathology is nearly the same as women victims that stay with their abusers. You really need counseling to get through this. She has been mentally and emotionally abusing you for years (threats to leave and divorce you are manipulative ways to break you down mentally & emotionally so you will feel the you need her) and threatening to have you arrested is a tactic used because she wants you to feel helpless & powerless. While most domestic violence centers cater to women, you might contact them to see if they offer services to men. I would also explain the threats she's made to claim you have been the abuser.

If you can afford an attorney, retain one and get everything documented. If you can't afford an attorney, go see the family law advisor if your county has one. You can also look for father's rights groups that are non profit.

good luck
popi_gw
16 years ago
Your objective is to take control of the situation.

Think about things realistically.

Ask yourself if you really see your future with someone who has no respect for you, who is violent, who treats you in such a condescending manner.

If you feel like you are in control of your circumstances, you will build self-esteem, and probably avert the looming depression.

Take control. Do whats best for YOU.
lonecrusader
Original Author
16 years ago
To all the folks who have responded:
First of all, thanks a ton to all of you. You have all given me great insight and different perspectives into the agony i am going through now. Taking the highlights from all the responses, the first and the foremost thing i need to do is to get a hold on myself, get back and face the practical reality, and get legal help, contact an attorney. Regarding the legal issues and others, i have absolutely no clue how it works here. I am from foreign country, living in California, Santa Clara since 7 years, and as you can all understand, i am new to everything here.
I cant appreciate all your advices and help enough. I will immediately seek the help of a lawyer, since i dont even know what are my rights.
Thanks again to all of you and greatly appreciate your advise.
Can anyone help in letting me know how i can find a good attorney/lawyer, what should i look for while talking with one?
asolo
16 years ago
What you want is a divorce attorney. Although your situation may seem unique to you, society-wide situations like yours are quite common. Any attorney specializing in divorce will have had countless experiences with it already and will be able to advise you competently.
carla35
16 years ago
You mean, a real estate attorney would not be in order here? ;-)

Word of mouth in finding a good lawyer is probably your best bet. Ask friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc...that are divorced who they used. You may also consider calling a woman's shelter, telling them your situation and see if they have any recomendations. They may also have some other good advice for men in your situation. When trying to find a divorce lawyer.. you'll probably be looking for term "Family Law".

There's not really anything specific to look for when talking to a lawyer. They should all be able to handle your case if they have experience. Most lawyers offer a free consult so you may want to talk to a couple and see who you feel most confortable with, etc.. I would think a woman lawyer could work well for you given your circumstances.
amyfiddler
16 years ago
carla I resemble that remark :(PFFFTHHHHTTT
asolo
16 years ago
How about "Pest Control"?
finedreams
16 years ago
carla, what's with sarcams about "real estate attorney"? 7 years in a foreign country is not enough to know how to find a good lawyer in case of being abused or getting divorced. So lonecrusader's question of how to find a good lawyer is a perfectly normal one.
finedreams
16 years ago
Lonecrusader, I don't know where you are from but is there any organization in your area that is specifically helpful for people of whatever culture you are from? For example, in my area we have Arabic, Jewish, German etc community centers, they provide some form of guidance or advice.
They might not be extremelly helpfull but maybe they can give you useful phone numbers and addresses. I did ask for help few times, they weren't that helpful but at least they had a list of resources that I could use. You can find these organizations online.
amyfiddler
16 years ago
Finedream-
Carla's ribbing me for stating i was going to use a divorce lawyer to settle a real estate issue. See the entertainment forum -

No harm done
finedreams
16 years ago
I see. lol. It sounded like something aimed at lonecrusader's cluelessness re lawyer issue. I bet you, he won't know what is this about either.

husband battered and left by wife

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