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Porn on the net or something more?

Posted by stir_fryi (My Page) on
Thu, Dec 20, 07 at 0:22

I know my husband looks at porn on the internet. He has done at as long as we have owned a PC. He probably does it a few times a week. We have a great marriage and great life and two kids.

By looking at the cookies, I can tell which sites he has visited. I checked today and a few troubled me. They were "finder" type sites for people looking for relationships/sex. When I went to the sites they actually listed my hometown so that must mean at some point he put in our zip code and it saved it in a cookie.

I couldn't go any further because both sites require logging in. Now I am concerned that he is doing more than looking. Part of me still thinks this is unlikely and he is just curious.

Do I confront him? Do I accuse him of something? I don't really care if he looks at pics on the net but looking for real people -- that would definitely blind-side me.

I am sure he will get angry and defensive if I confront him.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

I think you're needlessly worrying.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

I think the worrying thing is that "he will get angry and defensive if I confront him ". Why would he ? You can phrase it in such a way that will not cause him to be upset, can you not ?

Besides, open communication = strong marriage, that means being able to talk about what is worrying you. If it is worrying you, then you should bring it up. But choose your words carefully.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

This morning I said "why are you looking for sex partners on the internet?" He said "what?!?!?" I told him about the site. He said he was "just clicking around." I said but it had our hometown listed ("see listings in xxxx"). So, I said you must have entered a profile. He said no way -- he thinks the browser stores that stuff.

So, I deleted all cookies and went back to the site -- our hometown was still on there. So, he may be right. I have no idea where it is picking up this info (and I am a comp sci major).

Anyhow, he did not get angry and defensive -- he just assured me he would NEVER do anything like that and I am all he needs. He did ask how I saw that site but I did not say I monitor the cookies (got to have some secrets). Anyhow, I am 99.99% sure nothing like that is happening. I hate to say he is not the type to do something like that but he is not. He has his Playboy magazine collection (since he was 18) but he is harmless (I think).

But you do never know. I was with a woman yesterday whose DH had an affair two years ago -- it blindsided her and she had no idea. It does happen. I think talking with this woman kind of freaked me out.

Anyhow, things are back to normal.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

NO.. by worrying, I meant:

You have nothing to worry about....

Just as if he gets e-mails selling viagra.. he's probably not using it. I think you have spam sites in your history; that's all.

Bring it up if you must.. but if he actually is cheating.. I doubt he's gonna tell you anyway. Go with the way he treats you, and how your relationship is, and trust him unless you really, really think otherwise. Although personally, I be a little mad at the amont of time he was spending on porn sites... Don't know how old he is, but for a married man.. he's probably a little too addicted.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

It probably knows your home town from your ISP (Internet service provider) it is likely part of the IP address. Glad you were able to talk about it and not worry.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

I wouldn't just be comfortable with the situation. Don't fret, but keep your eyes open. People will tell you 'every guy looks at porn'. DH and I went to a naughty store years ago and bought a few magazines (both sexes) and a few other things. After a couple of days they got put in storage and still still there with a layer of dust. Though I do catch him every day drooling over dirt bikes on the internet (he has a nice one already). And I'm sure most guys do look at porn, and most guys I would say are not suitable to marry. I could count on one hand the number men I've know in my life that I thought were honest husbands and very good family men. You mention the woman that was blind-sided by her DH having an affair. I think it would be unwise just to trust when there are things nagging at you. Why not log into that site with your own new login and see what you can find. Don't feel bad or guilty, he's given you a reason to do a little snooping, but not enough to do any accussing. Good luck!


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Not every man looks at porn. That's for sure.

And what is rather disturbing it is entirelly possible that somebody cheating or plans on cheating and you have no clue. My ex-husband just left his 2nd wife for TOW with whom he had an affair for almost a year. Everybody is in complete shock because first of all he is so not a type to sleep around or do anything behind anyone's back, always example of honesty. Second of all his now ex-wife (#2 after me-roll my eyes) had no clue! Nothing seemed wrong in a marriage, no problems, no conflicts, nothing. She thought it was an ideal marriage, my daughter thought of their marriage as wonderful etc And yet all this time this guy, who everybody thought of asolutelly not a type, did cheat and now left her and already moved in with TOW. I don't trust my own perception of anything anymore. I would investigate. I would rather be prepared.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

"Not every man looks at porn. That's for sure."

Either you naive or I'm just tainted because that's the funniest thing I've heard today.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

carla35, I agree that most men look at porn and, like I said, few are worth marrying. But that's also like the people that say everyone steals office supplies from work. I think if that's what you experience then you think that's the norm. If my DH were into porn (which like I said is sitting where it has for a very long time gathering dust) I wouldn't yell at him, but I don't think we'd be so close and I would have no problem checking out the young studs everywhere I go. Nor would I have a problem going out with the other ladies for late nights on the town and dancing with other guys. But I don't. I think things may have been a little more harmless in the old days when men might have a few Playboys around. I swear the internet just makes things worse. I don't even know how many people I know that have hooked up with old flames on classmates.com, much less some super smutty sex site. But back to the point, women are just brain-washed that men will look at porn and the wife is supposed to be sweet and pure. Screw that. Men that show any disrespect have not earned respect, nor have they earned a devoted wife.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

I think there are plenty of men worth marrying or at least a comparable amount to woman. And, I don't necessarily think porn viewing is linked with a good man or not. Too much porn, or an addiction, maybe.

I think a lot more people have never stolen office supplies than there are men that have not looked at porn. I'm not suggesting that all happily married men look at porn regularly ... but, I do think that almost all men will look at some sort of porn from time to time...including your husband and just because he didn't dig out some old stuff (he's probably not stupid) doesn't mean that he couldn't be viewing it from somewhere else. Guys get bored with their stuff and need new/different stuff. It's not at all an opinion based on what I've experienced; it's just sort of known. Guys sex drives and visual imaging is just different than woman's. And, if you've heard the recent stats about woman viewing porn you'd probably faint... I think that % is even higher than people who steal office equipment! ;)

I think it's like saying that married men don't fantasize about other woman... they may tell you they don't... and you may not think they are (especially your own husband).... but they do... even the good guys. Of course there are situations where some may not view porn.. No opportunity, or a health problem, or they are assexual, etc.. And maybe not all are viewing sites on the net, but if you're not with a guy 24hrs a day...I doubt you know for sure that they are not viewing it.

How about you guys out there? Who out there hasn't viewed porn?


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Carla,
I think it is unkind and with ill intention to accuse cuddles husband of searching out porn, when you don't know anything about their relationship nor do you know him.

It does nothing for them, does nothing for her, just makes her upset. If you want to state that in your opinion, all men are porn hounds, then do so, but to basically tell someone she's naiive to assume her husband doesn't, is cruel and without an ounce of consideration.

Not all men look at porn, and THAT is a fact. All men have seen it, but not all men search it out. That's like saying all women are nags and all women gossip. Just aint true.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

So carla thinks that every man looks at porn?

Of course every man looked at porn at some point but not everybody looks (present tense)at it. There are a lot of very religious men who sure do not look at porn (I mean very traditional religions like ultra orthodox Jews). There are a lot of very old fashioned men out there. Or simply old ones. lol I am pretty sure my dad doesn't look at porn. lol Or there are men who did it at some point and then lost interest, not everyone regularly looks at porn.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Have you thought of downloading a key logger/key stroke program on the computer? This keeps track of every word keyed in--emails, websites, passwords etc...then you would know for sure.

Here's a link to one, but there are many differnt types out there.

http://www.spyarsenal.com/familykeylogger/


Also, here is an interesting Dr. Phil article.

http://drphil.com/articles/article/54/


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

"I think it is unkind and with ill intention to accuse cuddles husband of searching out porn, when you don't know anything about their relationship nor do you know him."

I have no ill intention at all... so what you think about my intention is very wrong. I am just trying to be realistic and if that hurts, sorry. If my opinion about male viewing porn habits is going to ruin anyone's marriage, (which I doubt it is) I'm really sorry but I can't change my opinion because of it. I am trying to actual put some people's mind at ease by suggesting it is normal... So really, you could just as easily say I'm really being nice and direct!!!!

I'm not suggesting all men view porn daily, or weekly or that they are all addicted to it. There's a huge difference. I am suggesting that throughout the years almost all men will generally view porn occasionally from time to time (yes, seeking it out)....and, yes, even the very conservative religious men and even your own dad (and by your--- I mean everyone's, not just cuddle's). I am in no way trying to hurt anyone; and I love men more than anything so I am in no way trying to be a man-hater either. I think I am just more realistic than many woman here.

By the way, in regards to the nag-gossip comment: I also don't recall meeting a woman who hasn't at least from time to time gossipped and nagged unless she had taken a vow of silence... So there goes that theory. Maybe I just see things differently. Now, please don't go saying I intended to be mean and break up your marriage by calling you a gossip or nag. Again, I think I'm being realistic and staing an opinion; you don't have to agree with. But, even the most saintly women has been known to nag and I would bet Mother Theresa passed on a story or two in her time. I guess it's all in how you look at it.

And, let me ask you this... How many of you woman have close guy friends/relatives you have/do talk about this stuff with? Anyone, anyone???? And, no, I am not including husbands because they can not/ should not be objective with their wives when it comes to porn and their fantasy life. Are your opinions on man porn habits based on what you as a woman think, or have you actually had conversations with men other than your husband about this subject?

And, if not all men view porn from time to time, about what percent do you think do? Do you consider those guys bad for doing so, or just normal?

Analyse any human emotion, no matter how far it may be removed from the sphere of sex, and you are sure to discover somewhere the primal impulse, to which life owes its perpetuation. ... The primitive stages can always be re-established; the primitive mind is, in the fullest meaning of the word, imperishable. ... Mans most disagreeable habits and idiosyncrasies, his deceit, his cowardice, his lack of reverence, are engendered by his incomplete adjustment to a complicated civilisation. It is the result of the conflict between our instincts and our culture. (Sigmund Freud)


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

So funny! Because DH wouldn't be scared to look at the porn. But would I sit back and not check out all the hot men and cry about it? NO! I would check it all out. I don't how old the folks here are, but DH has probably seen about a million boobs between real life and pics, and I've seen enough penis action between real life and pics, what the heck are we going to see that is new and exciting that the trashy world has to offer? DH travels from a high stress job where people are fired immediately for viewing porn at work to home, right on time. And if he's checking out porn here, that would be a miracle of computer wizardry. Carla35 just wants to justify her man's behavior. There are many women that say "all men cheat" just to justify staying with a cheater. WHATEVER! Stay with your scumbag, but if you're going to accuse any man
(or woman) you better have some proof. Women that can't satisfy a man just can't help but try to trash everyone else!


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REcuddlepo

I have to agree. Whenever I say that not every man cheats, women who were cheated on always say "oh you are naive". Women who say that every men cheats or every man is a pig or every man watches porn are the ones who spend their lives with trashy men. Of course they have no clue that there are different men out there. There are a lot of classy men out there. You might not meet them at the local bar because they don't go to bars but they are here among us. I totally agree that women who say that every man cheats etc are the ones who justify staying with pigs. i so agree. I can bet any amount of money that no man in my family cheats or watches porn (I don't mean never watched it). Carla might insist that my father watches porn and cheats lol but he does not.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

So....any of you gals subscribe to Cosmo? Every issue I've ever looked at the cover of when waiting to check my groceries has a conspicuously highlighted notice about "pleasing your man" (or variations thereof) right up front. MANY other women's mags are similar. Is that porn?

I recall on one occasion a couple of years ago, noticing the the cover-story on an issue of Marie Claire, I went inside to find a marvelously detailed article about about felatio techniques -- what works / what doesn't, etc.. I believe the demographic for that mag is twenty-somethings, but not sure.

I think this pendulum swings both ways.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Yep, agreed.

I don't need a mag to tell me stuff, I just talk to my husband. That goes both ways too.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Carla,
Your posts nearly had me hysterical, they were so funny! Can you spend some time hanging out with my wife? I think Carla is being very general, and funny, while others are thinking about specific men in their lives. It seems obvious to me that Carla has spent a lot of time taking candidly with men. Her point of view here is more along the lines of what you would expect to hear from a man than a woman, which is what is so amusing to me I guess. I'm a happily married father of the two greatest kids in the universe. My wife and I have both seen porn on occasion ( Personally, I think she's more interested in it than me, but she'd kill me if she knew I said that). I think just helps get us old tired parents of two young kids fired up every great once in while. Do I seek out porn on my own? No. Have I ever cheated on my spouse? Absolutely not, I have way too much respect for her to ever do that. So I guess youre all right to a certain degree now that I think about it...


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

"Carla35 just wants to justify her man's behavior"

You are so totally misunderstanding my opinion. That is not the case at all. I am happy to say that my husband is a smart enough man to be able to hide his possible porn viewing from me. He is also smart enough to never tell me any pants make my butt look big! Some guys just get it. I do not have any facts that would suggest my husband views porn; and it is not an issue in our marriage. I only know that he probably has from time to time because he is a typical male. I have never seen a playboy in the house, found a sex video or noticed a computer history with sites... One time he did pause longer than usual at the Miss Universe Contest when switiching through channels though ;-0

I really don't understand how most of you women can not at least understand my opinion or where I am coming from. To think my intent is mean or that I have a porn addicted husband so imagine everyone else must too... is just so way off base.

Oh and this post quote right here...
"Women that can't satisfy a man just can't help but try to trash everyone else!"

is just mean, not to me.. (because you aren't reading my opinion/situation correctly) but it is mean to those women whose husbands are addicted to porn. I would like to state that I have an entirely different opinion than cuddlepoo has and I think she is totally wrong. If your husband has a real porn addiction problem, it is most probably NOT your fault and NOT linked to you not being able to satisfy your man which so many woman sadly believe. Your husband (or even wife, if they are the one with the porn habit) has a real problem; it's not because you are fat or not attractive enough, etc. So please don't take what that poster said to heart and think that your man is viewing porn because you are unable to satisfy them.

and p.s. I have never said or suggested that every man cheats on his wife. Are people assuming viewing porn is cheating???? I personally do NOT think most men have affairs or cheat on their wives, and I'm pretty darn sure my husband has never cheated on me. Porn viewing and having an affair are very different in my book.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Stirfry, I'll try to answer some of your questions as objectively as possible...

"I know my husband looks at porn on the internet... He probably does it a few times a week." To me that sounds like an awful lot of porn and I've been married 17 years.


"By looking at the cookies, I can tell which sites he has visited. When I went to the sites they actually listed my hometown.. Now I am concerned that he is doing more than looking." They are cookies. You don't get those just by surfing, you have to actually be looking for it. I'm a computer consultant by trade -- i.e. what I'm saying to you is, HE IS LOOKING FOR IT. Good lord, stop excusing it.

"Part of me still thinks this is unlikely and he is just curious." Yeah right. You are not just thinking its unlikely. You posted enough detail to know that we know that YOU know it is real.

Now what will you do about it if anything? And should you?

I'm not saying you should do anything. I'm just saying that you know its real, so that's not the question you should be asking or even want to ask -- you already know its a porn problem giving you grief. Is it enough grief that you want him to stop or not? Only you can answer that. Honestly, I think it is or you wouldn't have asked. Obviously this is bothering you. I think you should confront him with it and talk about it.

On the other hand, you could just unplug the comp and tell him it went on the fritz. If he gets frantic, then you know there's a bigger problem.


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I have a computer question

How do you look up the cookies if you dont have administrative rights and access is denied from your user account. And can you even use a keylogger considering that?


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

He has a problem. Men get addicted to internet porn and internet girlfriends. When surfing porn sites starts to interfer with the person's everyday relationships and life, like it seems to be doing for you and your hubs, it is a problem- a big problem. I lost my marraige to internet porn. You need to approach your husband about this.


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

porn is the whole reason the internet was invented. its great!


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RE: Porn on the net or something more?

Are you sure??? I can't recall Al Gore ever giving that as a reason for why he invented it. Then again, maybe Bill put him up to it...


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