Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

Don't know why I am so very sad

Posted by lindakimy (My Page) on
Sat, Nov 19, 11 at 23:18

I just heard from my son that my ex is ill. We were divorced - not amicably - about 10 years ago. There has been a lot of water under that bridge.

But now I hear that my ex has spinal tumors, probably metastatic cancer, and I feel so sad about that. I would not want to live in the same state as this guy but I don't want him to have to go through anything like this. I wouldn't wish him pain or any of the other symptoms he has been having.

I don't want my children to have to see their father suffer either. As much as it makes me cringe when they go visit him, I would prefer that they do that to losing him.

Am I nuts?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Don't know why I am so very sad

Aww ,no you are not nuts,your just human and a nice person,he is your kids dad and you did love him once.I would be the same and I actually really hate my kids dad.You would be pretty evil if you were happy with his illness.

RE: Don't know why I am so very sad

Well, thank you tracystoke. I feel really weird posting about something like this here but, oddly I guess, I can't seem to talk with my (current) husband about it. Even though he was not around when I was married before he has become very irate about those earlier circumstances. I am sure he would not be pleased to think that there is any sympathy left in me for my ex. There has been so much anger and unpleasantness but now this has just let all the steam out of it for me.

And how odd...I reread what I posted. My divorce from him was actually final 20 years ago. And I left him three years before that. What an odd slip of the typing fingers that "10 years" was.

RE: Don't know why I am so very sad

In some ways, I think it can be harder to lose someone when the relationship was bad than when it was good...

I'm thinking about how Hubby and I felt when his father died (estranged) versus when my mother died (we were very close). With my mother, we had so many happy memories to sustain us... Whenever I thought about her, I could always remember something wonderful and warm. I certainly still miss her, and think of her every day -- but it's with a sweetness and warmth. My FIL -- well, there, there are nothing but regrets and a sense that his life and his relationship with all his children (8 kids by 5 wives) was just a total mess. What a waste...

Does that make any sense?

Do you have any unfinished business with him that might benefit from an attempt to resolve it? Sometimes, that can make things easier for both people...

RE: Don't know why I am so very sad

Thanks for your response, Sweeby. That is a very interesting point about whether the relationship was good or not. Generally, I think you are right about that. Odd, one would think the better relationship would be more sorrowfully mourned. But one also mourns the lost opportunities.

No, there is no unfinished business. I did everything I could have done to try to save that marriage. And I negotiated with him much longer than I had to in order to arrange issues with the children. There is nothing more I could have done. He has gone on with his life and so have I.

As it turns out, he is o.k. There was surgery which showed that there was no malignancy after all. The growths on his spine were removed and with therapy he should recover.

I am glad about that. But I am puzzled by how emotional my sadness felt. My relief doesn't feel that way at all. There are just a lot of practical reasons that it's good he will still be around.

It is very strange not to understand why I feel the way I do. I'm just glad the crisis is over.

RE: Don't know why I am so very sad

No matter if you had a bad past, you still have history with that person. I think your feelings are totally justified, and shows that you are a compassionate, empathetic human being. In fact, if you DID NOT feel this way, I'd be worried.

Best wishes

 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!

Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.

Learn more about in-text links on this page here