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I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

Posted by hoakie2601 (My Page) on
Mon, Nov 24, 08 at 22:29

0000Im looking for advice here! I have been married for going on 2 years now. The first 11 months of my marriage was great. Than my husband decided to fight for his step grandkids from his last marriage that ended in the passing of his wife.

They came to live with us in Nov of last year. We have had our ups and downs with the kids. Keep in mind I had only met these kids 2 times for long weekends prior to them coming to live with us and my husbands works nights so I will be the one that the kids spend most of the time with.

This weekend things got out of control. We had his step daughter come into town with her kids. The 18 year old drinks all the time. (Beer) I told my husband that when they came their would not be any under age drinking in my house. The 18 year old was looking through our fridge telling her mom I dont know where they are. Her mom went outside and asked my husband for a plastic cup that the 18 year old wanted a beer. He told her. "She will not have a beer because he is trying to establish a relationship between me and the 18 year old and that I (me) did not want her drinking. I do believe (but am not 100% sure) she came into the house and made her a mixed drink. I felt that he should have just told her no and not put me on the spot. I already have a real hard time with this side of the family because I do not agree with the way that they handle things. And I have been referred to by those grandkids as a b#&ch.

Then Sunday night we where having a talk with the grand daughter that lives with us. My husband did not agree with something that I told her. So he told her that when she was around me to appease me with whatever I said. In my opinion telling her that she did not have to listen to me only if she was around me. Know I am with these kids all the time. They rarely see my husband during the week, maybe for an hour here and there. They see him on Saturdays 1/2 day and all day Sunday. He just told 1 of them to appease me.

I am on the verge of leaving because I get no repect from him or 1 of the grand kids. He would have to quit his job and stay home with them because they are not old enough to be alone.

Help me out here and give me some advise on what I need to do. I love my husband more than anything in the world but I am not going to get treated like crap by him and the kids.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

I had a look back over your previous postings and really, I think you are in a very dysfunctional relationship. You have previously posted how your husband married you and then had you living in a home surrounded by photos and belongings of his previous wife, because he couldn't let go, for at least seven months and maybe even more, because you never did post that he had finally had a clear out. He then isnsisted you accompany him to his late wife's memorial service, where you weren't exactly fawned over by the late wife's family. He has allowed his stepdaughter to behave poorly to you and to steal from your home. He has insisted on getting custody of his step-grandchildren and left you to care for them (and they sound like they have a lot of issues). He has supported them previously against you and he's still doing it. Frankly it doesn't seem like he really cares about _you_ at all and _you_ may love _him_ but I don't think it is reciprocated. I'm very sorry to say I think youre kidding yourself if you think you're in a good marriage.


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RE: I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

I remember your posts --
Here's what I said back in February, and it rings even truer now:

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Someone pointed out that men like to be the hero -
and that seems to be right on target in this case.
In his view, Dad stepped in and 'rescued' these children by gaining custody --

But what he isn't recognizing is that while 'winning custody' is a one-time accomplishment, taking care of them and raising children is a full-time job.
And he isn't doing it - you are.

It's the whole 'puppy' deal -- Oh, aren't they cute. I want one. But daily walks, feeding, house-training, barking, furniture chewing -- what a lot of work! Maybe I don't want a dog after all...

It's time for a long talk with your husband. By taking these children, he has volunteered you both to become parents, and he needs to 'step up to the plate' and do his share.

He doesn't get to be 'the hero' while you do all the work.

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To say he's taking advantage of you and disrespecting you would be a colossal understatement. He's treating you like an appliance! Yeah, it's got a few quirks, so humor her -- but she'll still work.

Sounds to me like what you've got isn't a MARRIAGE, just a JOB.
One with lousy pay and poor benefits.


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RE: I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

i agree with everyone. i hate to advice that but i suggest you start contemplating a divorce, and next time 18-year-old drinks in your house in her mom's presence, call the police and say what happens. it is illegal pour drinks to minors.

unless you adopted these grandkids they are his not yours and he should deal with them.


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RE: I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

Wow; if it isn't bad enough to take all of the responsibility, you are not getting any respect when your husband undermines you. I couldn't live like that-in fact I'd be tempted just to say,"well they are your grandchildren and I guess you know best, so have at it." But I would then walk away-far away and not look back. Do you feel loved by him? I don't think I could. I'd feel used, and as long as you take it-it won't change, and then again you can't force someone to love and respect you. It's either there-or it's not and I'm sorry to say but it doesn't seem to be "there."
I'd suggest you start taking care of you, and soon. This has all got to take a toll physically and emotionally. Good luck-


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