I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

15 years ago

0000Im looking for advice here! I have been married for going on 2 years now. The first 11 months of my marriage was great. Than my husband decided to fight for his step grandkids from his last marriage that ended in the passing of his wife.

They came to live with us in Nov of last year. We have had our ups and downs with the kids. Keep in mind I had only met these kids 2 times for long weekends prior to them coming to live with us and my husbands works nights so I will be the one that the kids spend most of the time with.

This weekend things got out of control. We had his step daughter come into town with her kids. The 18 year old drinks all the time. (Beer) I told my husband that when they came their would not be any under age drinking in my house. The 18 year old was looking through our fridge telling her mom I dont know where they are. Her mom went outside and asked my husband for a plastic cup that the 18 year old wanted a beer. He told her. "She will not have a beer because he is trying to establish a relationship between me and the 18 year old and that I (me) did not want her drinking. I do believe (but am not 100% sure) she came into the house and made her a mixed drink. I felt that he should have just told her no and not put me on the spot. I already have a real hard time with this side of the family because I do not agree with the way that they handle things. And I have been referred to by those grandkids as a b#&ch.

Then Sunday night we where having a talk with the grand daughter that lives with us. My husband did not agree with something that I told her. So he told her that when she was around me to appease me with whatever I said. In my opinion telling her that she did not have to listen to me only if she was around me. Know I am with these kids all the time. They rarely see my husband during the week, maybe for an hour here and there. They see him on Saturdays 1/2 day and all day Sunday. He just told 1 of them to appease me.

I am on the verge of leaving because I get no repect from him or 1 of the grand kids. He would have to quit his job and stay home with them because they are not old enough to be alone.

Help me out here and give me some advise on what I need to do. I love my husband more than anything in the world but I am not going to get treated like crap by him and the kids.

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Comments (4)

colleenoz
15 years ago
I had a look back over your previous postings and really, I think you are in a very dysfunctional relationship. You have previously posted how your husband married you and then had you living in a home surrounded by photos and belongings of his previous wife, because he couldn't let go, for at least seven months and maybe even more, because you never did post that he had finally had a clear out. He then isnsisted you accompany him to his late wife's memorial service, where you weren't exactly fawned over by the late wife's family. He has allowed his stepdaughter to behave poorly to you and to steal from your home. He has insisted on getting custody of his step-grandchildren and left you to care for them (and they sound like they have a lot of issues). He has supported them previously against you and he's still doing it. Frankly it doesn't seem like he really cares about _you_ at all and _you_ may love _him_ but I don't think it is reciprocated. I'm very sorry to say I think youre kidding yourself if you think you're in a good marriage.
sweeby
15 years ago
I remember your posts --
Here's what I said back in February, and it rings even truer now:

======================
Someone pointed out that men like to be the hero -
and that seems to be right on target in this case.
In his view, Dad stepped in and 'rescued' these children by gaining custody --

But what he isn't recognizing is that while 'winning custody' is a one-time accomplishment, taking care of them and raising children is a full-time job.
And he isn't doing it - you are.

It's the whole 'puppy' deal -- Oh, aren't they cute. I want one. But daily walks, feeding, house-training, barking, furniture chewing -- what a lot of work! Maybe I don't want a dog after all...

It's time for a long talk with your husband. By taking these children, he has volunteered you both to become parents, and he needs to 'step up to the plate' and do his share.

He doesn't get to be 'the hero' while you do all the work.

======================

To say he's taking advantage of you and disrespecting you would be a colossal understatement. He's treating you like an appliance! Yeah, it's got a few quirks, so humor her -- but she'll still work.

Sounds to me like what you've got isn't a MARRIAGE, just a JOB.
One with lousy pay and poor benefits.
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DistressedWife, this husband of yours has problems and he is using you to make himself feel better about himself. That's what I think. He feels better after he has chastised you, belittled you. He wants to set the rules. I think that he needs a good kick up the arse but not by you. He's not worth a kick up the arse. I know he was your best friend and I suppose you were his best friend but now that you are married, he no longer seems to see you that way. You are his wife. He feels entitled. Well, he's wrong. But he won't know or think he's wrong. He's got a lot of growing up to do and that is his problem. Your problem is him, and a little bit you. (You need to build up your self esteem.) You have to get brave. Get yourself organised, pack your stuff, and get out to a better place. Your father's house seems like a good option. Take some control of your life and you will feel that you have some control. I wouldn't do this when he is around. Wait until he's gone out. He won't want you to have control over your life. And of course he'll want you back. He wants you as his underling. He is not fit to be your husband. Maybe one day he will be. But only he can fix himself. The longer you are away from him, the more likely he is to be motivated to do so. My de facto husband does bot believe in marriage, that's why he and I never married. He thinks that when people marry, they change. I think he is right. Life is about changing our minds. I changed my mind about ever wanting to marry my de facto. You might change your mind about never wanting a divorce. Or you might decide to stop wanting to work at your marriage when you are the only one doing so. For it takes two, to make a marriage work, and at the moment he has no intention. You can't change him but you can change you. And your predicament. All the best. And I'll be sending good vibes your way.
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finedreams
15 years ago
i agree with everyone. i hate to advice that but i suggest you start contemplating a divorce, and next time 18-year-old drinks in your house in her mom's presence, call the police and say what happens. it is illegal pour drinks to minors.

unless you adopted these grandkids they are his not yours and he should deal with them.
straycat_wandering
15 years ago
Wow; if it isn't bad enough to take all of the responsibility, you are not getting any respect when your husband undermines you. I couldn't live like that-in fact I'd be tempted just to say,"well they are your grandchildren and I guess you know best, so have at it." But I would then walk away-far away and not look back. Do you feel loved by him? I don't think I could. I'd feel used, and as long as you take it-it won't change, and then again you can't force someone to love and respect you. It's either there-or it's not and I'm sorry to say but it doesn't seem to be "there."
I'd suggest you start taking care of you, and soon. This has all got to take a toll physically and emotionally. Good luck-

I dont know what to do (long please read and advise)

Comments (4)

colleenoz

sweeby

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