As you examine your life, and think about how this will affect you and your children, spend the time and read the step parent forum from beginning to end. Understand that the decisions you make now, will affect you and your children for years to come. Thirty and forty year old adult children, are still having serious issues with their parent and his new wife. Understand that if you divorce, that your children will have visitation without you around, but perhaps your husband may have a girlfriend or new wife around, whose influence you may, or may not like. She may have new children with your husband, and resent your kids being there. You are about to go through those "teen" years, that can test any parent beyond what they ever imagined. Do you want to go through this with their father by your side, or on your own, with an angry ex-husband, who may be unwilling to help you if the road gets really rocky? As I read the step parent forum, and listen to the new step mothers, or girl friends about the bio-moms, things can get pretty ugly. Some of these bio moms were the ones who wanted out, only to find the grass was not greener on the other side. As you read the posts, you will begin to understand the basic struggle between two women, who have a role in the lives of your children. If you read the forum, you will hear most of these new step mothers talk about how horrible the bio moms are. Were the bio moms always horrible, or does the situation of two women trying to parent bring out the worst in both women? Somewhere, there must be situations where it works. It does not appear to be on this forum, nor those I know in my life. And yet, I know lovely women who are divorced mothers. And as I read the step parent forum, I wonder if their ex's new wife makes them out to be awful, because she needs her to be. Does the new wife feel threatened, and therefor bad mouthing her new husbands former wife? Or does this new woman in the bio moms children's life, just bring out the worst in the bio mom, as she feels she is now competing for her own children's affection? Does the new wife get to come of looking like the "fun" mom, while the other is left with the hard role of "parent" who can come off looking like the bad guy? Does dad now not hold kids accountable for behavior, because he wants to be the "good/fun" parent, or does he rarely see them at all anymore? It seems that even when bio mom remarries, there is still so much conflict between the new wife and herself. I do not want to sound discouraging. Any yet, when I read the step parent forum, it "is" discouraging. And I wonder if the bio moms who wanted the divorces in the first place, didn't trade in one set of problems, for a whole new set (bigger than she ever dreamed) with far greater consequences? If she had it to do over, would she still think it was a good idea? Perhaps both you and your DH should each spend the time on your own, and read the step parent forum. And then you should take a long walk or drive, or weekend away together and talk. Start with the positive things that you like about one another. (You can each jot them down ahead of time). And then, share the disappointment, the pain, the lack of what you both need from each other. The misunderstandings that lead to resentment? Can you find a way to change this marriage into something that meets your needs. Can you save this family? What can you each do that would slowly turn this around, and give you glimpses of hope for a happier tomorrow? There are many good weekend marriage conferences if you search on line. Perhaps one would help you to get started. There are also excellent marriage books "on DVD/Tape" if he will not yet consider counseling. If you talk to him about counseling, don't go with the attitude that you need to "fix him", but with the attitude that you want to make your marriage one of the great ones! And if you can find a "good" therapist (there are many not so good ones out there) go in with that attitude. Find ways to "play together" and have some fun as a family. I do not want to sound discouraging. And yet, as I read the step parent forum, it "is" discouraging. As you make these decisions that will affect you and your children for years to come, I want to encourage you to look at it without the rose colored glasses, and have your eyes wide open.

Boy Joules, that really sucks. I should count my blessings that none of my friends are in that situation. I have been on the other side of the fence. (twice actually)I was the significant other during an affair. It really hurt when I finally found out. When I was married, or otherwise in a relationship, I would never have actually gone out looking to cheat. Yes, I have flirted around, but they all knew it was just me being silly. I will admit, I have cheated once, 15 years ago and,although this does not absolve me of the wrongness of it, it was after I had found out that my wife had cheated on me twice, in our own home and bed, while I was working 2 jobs, trying to keep up with all of the bills. I have never done it after that, and have no intention of ever doing it again. I firmly believe that if they cheat once, they will do it again. (okay, call me a Hypocrite) I know, that is why I left my wife after the 5th or 6th time she cheated on me. To put it bluntly these are not friends worth having if they can't accept a "duh!!, what are you thinking?" On a side note, maybe these gals just need to meet a powertoolgeek, who is single, to be able to move on and leave the married guys alone with their wives. ;p Mike

believer Thanks for sharing with us.. Im going to start by saying that I value everyones opinion (even if they do not agree with mine). I am college educated I was married for almost 20 years, I have 2 bio daughters, 1 (19) and 1 (15), I stayed in my marriage so long because I myself grew up with out my bio dad in the picture,come to find out years later the reason why my bio dad was not in the picture is because of my mom... My mom was married several times and non of my so called step dads acted like one, he*l my mom did not even act like a mom from what I can remember, ( sorry I do not remember a lot of my child hood)... Nothing was important enough for my mom or dad to do with us kids, 3 of us all the same father and mother... School, sports, going to the doctor, dentist.. those things my bio parents were never involved in.. we moved around more times than I can count.. When I look back I see why I stayed unhappily married for so long.. We bought our first house when my youngest was 6 months old, Im still here refusing to move for some strange reason.. My ex was a heavy drinker our entire marriage, he was abusive at times more verbally than anything, no I was not an angel, but I NEVER CHEATED.. Yes he did with my best friend(at least he says they did, she says no they didnt).. who knows there were others.. My ex was a buy me dad he provided everything but not his time... My girls were always in sports and school activities, daddy always paid but never showed up... I went to therapy for a while to deal with my past and my marriage. After therapy I stayed married for about another year, My therapist told me I would make up my own mind one day and I would be done... Well I did and it was over... The first 4 months were bad we tried to not fight but we managed to.. I had to put a restraining order against my ex for a few months he was very angry.. and he said things that were bad, my girls were mad at me cuz he couldn't come to the house to see them... I filed for divorce right away, but couldnt serve him because I did not know where he was living.. When I met my new husband my ex called my daughter and asked for me to call him, so I did, he said that he (the new husband) was a nice guy and that I deserved to be happy and that he was sorry, I dropped the restraining order, and we get along great. I am sorry things did not work out for us, but our kids are happy and every decision that is made for our kids is made between both of us.. Now on to my new husbands ex.. I really do not mean to bash her but she is a piece of work.. I truely believe that she has the ability to do the right things but she is so bitter that she can not do it. I have posted about issues with biomom before and I got beat up..LOL Let me start by saying that yes my new husband cheated on his ex about 9 years ago, was he wrong YES and he is the first one to admit it. I was very hesitant in dating him because of that.. But I fell in LOVE... About 3 years after he cheated on the ex they had a child, he is 6 and is awesome... She has cheated several times and always blamed him for doing it first, the last time she cheated he was married to and she got pregnant. Well he left her I met him about 6 months after they split up.. she was living with someone, so I figured she moved on.. BIG MISTAKE.. It was as if she could go on with her life but not him.. She would never let him see his son, and when he did it was on her terms and if he went to pick him up and they argueed she would say (you cant have him now your to upset, maybe next time) then about an hour or 2 later she would call him back and say are you calm now, well now you can come get your son, now you only have 2 hours and if your not back dont ask to see him again till next week.. Well when we got together and she started doing this, I told him he had just as much of a right as she did, so he asserted himself and got over night visits and weekend visits.. He is a wonderful dad, very hands on. Hes soccer coach, he makes every doctor appointment and dentist appointment. He is at every school function.. So now her problem is that he is only a good dad because of me.. SHE GIVES HIM NO CREDIT.. now we are in and out of court over stupid things, the custody part is over they have 50/50 which works out good. now its all about money, mind you we pay for everything and she make 3 times what he makes... but she knows the only way to hurt him is financially. She lives with her parents, they watch the new baby she has no bills, and we pay for everything for their bio son. 2 weeks after the divorce was final she let the marital home go into foreclosure and when we went over to the home to clean it up, and cut the yard (we were going to fix it up and sell it or rent it out) she called him and said the house is mine and I am not signing it over to you and if you sell it Im getting the money, and Im not helping do anything... I swear this is all true... So I finished mowing the front yard and packed up and left... She then called the mortgage company and said I was living there with him and I was added to the foreclosure, yes I got served about 5 days later and I have a judgment against me on public records.... YES I AM TRYING TO GET IT REMOVED.. meanwhile I have lived in my home for almost 16 years.... I think everyone needs to look at the kids BIO MOM AND DAD BOTH NEED TO BE INVOLVED... let the past go no one can change it move on and be happy, bitterness only makes your kids unhappy believe me I KNOW... Sorry about going on but this actually feels good to get it off my chest... Well the saga continues... Thanks for letting me vent

Another Sort of Learning (James V. Schall) 1988 In this book with the unorthodox subtitle, "Selected Contrary Essays on the Completion of Our Knowing or How to Finally Acquire an Education While Still in College, or Anywhere Else: Containing Some Belated Advice about How to Employ Your Leisure Time When Ultimate Questions Remain Perplexing in Spite of Your Highest Earned Academic Degree, Together with Sundry Book Lists Nowhere Else in Captivity to Be Found", Father Schall has written a delightful collection of essays for people like me who made it all the way through college without managing to get a truly liberal education. The book talks about gathering books on diverse subjects for a personal library. There are essays on reading, education, teaching, philosophy, sports, politics, history, and prayer. After each essay there is a short list of the books such as, "SchallÂs Unlikely List of Books to Keep Sane By", "Books You Will Never Be Assigned", "Eight Collections of Essays and Letters Not To Be Missed", "Ten Books on Grace and Thought", and "Five Books Addressed to the Heart of Things". True bibliophiles will love the lists. Schall states in the book: "Education, philosophy, science, politics, history, revelation - these are the themes that I have considered here in various ways. I have often talked of Plato and Aristotle, of Augustine and Aquinas, of Chesterton, Pieper, and C.S. Lewis. I have done this to underscore their importance. And I have repeated favorite book titles worth emphasizing in different contexts. I wanted to suggest that anyone with some diligence and some good fortune can find his way to the highest things even if such higher level concerns are not formally or systematically treated in the schools, even if they are in fact denied there or by our own friends or culture. Indeed, I would suspect that there is a certain basic loneliness in our relationships to the highest things. I am not a skeptic here, but we should not expect too much from our formal educational institutions in this regard. "Throughout these pages, I have talked of 'another sort of learning.' I have talked about why we should read, what we should read, books we should keep. In a sense, we can tell a lot about anyone by looking at what books, if any, he reads, at what books are on his shelvesÂ."