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Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Posted by ibanez5150 (My Page) on
Sun, Nov 4, 07 at 18:52

Sorry for this being long, but I have to explain what happen, my wife and I are 36 and have 2 kids 11 and 6, we have been married for 13 years this month.

19 months ago, April 4th, 2006. I had an issue with our primary vehicle that required $4800.00 in repairs, none of which were covered under our warranty. I did not have the money at that time and in order for me to get back and forth to work, I needed my car. I asked my parents for a loan but they only had $1000.00 that they could give me at that time. So in an effort to get that money in a short period of time, I called my mortgage company, Country Wide, and asked them if I could delay 2 monthly payments to the end of my mortgage, to help with the cost of repairs. They said that the situation that I was in was acceptable and allowed me to do what was requested.
Forward 3 months, July 15th 2006, I call my mortgage company on the phone to pay my current months loan. The person on the phone tells me that I am in default on my loan and will require all 3 months at this time to become current. I explain what had been setup on the phone 3 months earlier, and to my surprise, nothing was found under my account that any type of arraignment had been made and there was nothing that anyone could do because my account was in default. I asked them if there was any kind of repayment plan that I could do over a period of time to bring my loan current. They tell me that they will have to get back to me after they talk to the collections department.
August 18th 2006 I get a package in the mail from Country Wide with a repayment offer of $1981.23 a month for 6 months, which included closing costs, late fees, the current default amount, and original loan payment of $700.00. At that time I could not afford their terms. I contact Country Wide and explain that I cannot afford their terms and asked for another plan. Again, they tell me that they will have to get with the collections department and will get back to me.
In the mean time I retain a lawyer and consult with him as to the situation. He informs me that he will contact Country Wide and see what he can do to help me. Approximately 3 days later I get a call from him and he informs me that Country Wide has set up a new repayment plan of $896.92 per month for 1 year, beginning September 1st 2006. Country Wide sends me the required paper work for me to sign and send back to them. Which was done.
On September 1st 2006, I call and make my scheduled $896.92 monthly payment and everything has been resolvedor so I thought it was. On January 1st 2007, my wife and I receive a letter in the mail from a law firm that states that our home will be auctioned off at the Wake County court house on February 21st 2007. I contact my attorney and fax him the letter. He tells me that he is going to take care of it and that this will be handled. That same day he informs me there is a required form in our repayment package that was not signed and in order for us to resolve the situation I need to sign it and send it back, which of course I did.
Everything was going smoothly and I was making my monthly house payments according to the agreed plan, until August 1st 2007. My wife and I both receive another letter from the same attorney firm from before, stating that yet again they will be auctioning off our home at the Wake County Court house on September 19th, 2007. This time I bypass my attorney and contact the firm on the letter. They inform me that because this was an original Veterans Administration home loan, Country wide had sold back the loan to the VA, back in July, and now the VA was selling the home to recoup their losses. I contact the VA and ask for a more detailed explanation.
According to their records, there was no repayment plan ever put in place on our account and as of April 16th 2006, we had not made a single house payment on our home. I inform the VA that this is simply not true and have bank transaction receipts of payments made to Country Wide as of September 1st, 2007. I fax over these statements and repayment plan paper work to the VA and they tell me that they will look into it, and get back to me. 1 week goes by and I have not heard from them, so I call to find out the status of our situation. No one at the VA has any information on my situation. They promise to look into it and call me back the same day. They never do.
On Monday September 17th, 2007, I contact the VA again and ask them for an update. Again, no one has any info other than our home is to be foreclosed on October 17th, 2007. 30 days from that day.
I take it upon myself to try and get another mortgage company to by the loan from the VA and remove my loan from the VA. I attempt to get another mortgage company to buy the loan; no one will finance me because I have "Foreclosure" on my credit report. I get a private third party investor that is willing to buy the loan from the VA and allow me to make payments to him and eliminate this nightmare. In the state of North Carolina, once a home has been deemed "Foreclosure", it cannot be sold until it has been foreclosed and put back on the market, 60 to 90 days from eviction.
October 12th 2007 I get a letter in the mail stating that on October 17th 2007 I will be evicted at 2:15 pm. I again contact the firm on October 15th 2007, that is pursuing this foreclosure and get an email stating the following: On October 17th 2007, We will be at your home at 2:15 pm to change the locks on the home and evict the current occupants.

Here is the biggest issue to my wife:

That morning is the very first time I inform my wife of the issue of our home. I inform her that we are going to be evicted and there is nothing that I can do to stop it. My wife is understandably furious and begins packing the kids and her things to move into her motherswithout me. I try to explain what had happen, but she is not hearing anything of what I am saying and as of October 17th 2007, I have not seen my wife. I have talked to her briefly on the phone but that is it. She is blaming me for this and will not hear otherwise. Try as I may, she is very angry over the situation and refuses to listen. I know that I should have told her what was going on, but I trying to not make her worry, or fear of what was happening now.

I have done the flowers, apologized,letters, cards, to my wife but she told me yesterday that she is getting a separation agreement drafted up, and told me the attorneys name. I love my wife more than anything and yes I have told her this repeatedly. I do not know what I would do with out her in my life. I miss her terribly and when I do get to talk to her, which is not very often, I get very depressed and cry. It is very hard for me to write this without getting emotional. I have never really attended church, but I have been praying ever night to give her the strength to forgive me and allow us to work this out. I started going back to our marriage counselor the 2nd week this happened, My wife will not attend with me so I am alone on this journey from hell.

One more thing that I need to add, 11 years ago we were evicted from an apartment because we were always late with our rent...they would not renew our lease, but I was young and naive and I did not think that they would actually do it, because they needed renters. This current home situation was not my fault, and I thought that I could do this by myself, and take care of out situation...I obviously could not. I know that I lost trust in my wife for not telling her, but I see that now and should have told her.

What do I do, I need some advice, do I leave her alone and not ask her to forgive me and come back? I have promise her that I can change and will change because I need her in my life. I will do anything to get her back.

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

What a rough situation, I am so very sorry. I wish I had some really strong advice for you. In your wife's position, it must feel like she cannot rely on you for the basics of life, such as maintaining housing for the family. On the other hand, married couples ultimately share responsibility for the family's finances. Unless she asked and you were not truthful with her about the situation, I think she bears some responsibility for knowing what was going on with your finances. I think attending therapy is a good idea if you have a good therapist, even if your wife does not go with you. Re promises, I think most of us would agree that promising unfortunately accomplishes very little. If you can *show* her that you can be honest and financially responsible, that would go a lot farther. You sound like you in a lot of pain and I hope things looks up for you soon. My only suggestions are to continue with therapy if it's helpful, work on your financial situation, spend time with your kids and let them know you love them and are working for them, and keep lines of communication open with your wife. If you are able to reconcile, perhaps it makes sense for her to be point person on the finances if that is not your long suit. Best of luck.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Demeron:

Thanks for posting. It is rough and I am miserable with out her here. I love and miss her so much. She is my best friend, yet in my time of needing a "Best Friend" she is gone. I guess that is why I am posting on the forum. We had separate banking accounts and split the bills in half. I was paying the mortgage, they just screwed me. I have hired an attorney and at the present are perusing legal action. I did nothing wrong as far as paying the mortgage, they screwed up the process.

I lied in a sense, because I should have told her what was going on long before I did. That was the mistake that I made. I did not communicate with my wife. I see that now and wish I could go back in time and tell her, but I can't, I can only change the future. I talk to my kids everyday, and see them every other weekend. I had them this past Friday night even though it was not my weekend, I take every opportunity to see them when available. I try to talk to my wife, but she is still angry, and you are right, I lost her trust.

I did get to spend time with them all today, I asked if I could go with them to get the girls some school cloths, and paid for them. Then we all had lunch together at a restaurant. I text messaged her when I got home asking her if she thought today was a good day? Her response was " It was - ok. I hope that we can be civil towards each other even if things don't go the way you want them to." So as you can see I am trying...very hard. What else can I do? I asked her to go to lunch this week one day (my treat) and go to the counselors together, but she refused, making an excuse to having too much school work to do. Yes she is back in school -College.

I don't want to become a pest, but every time I communicate with her, I want to talk about fixing what I broke, and not pursue this separation. She gets frustrated, and doesn't want to talk about it. I asked her today while we were out, if she was still angry? and of course her answer was yes.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Ibanez

I know how you feel, and I know how your wife feels. I have been through a similar problem here. Its really distressing.

I think you have been treated unfairly by everyone.

Have you bought another house ?

I guess you need to be patient. Perhaps you should resist talking about what happened. Try to be happy, positive, helpful, and not sad. If she gets into the habit of seeing you like that, she may be more open to discussing the future.

You sound like a decent person, and forgiveness is the word your wife needs to get her thinking around.

If your wife is living with her parents, maybe they are putting ideas in her head, could this be the case ?

Above all maintain your contact with the children, be a good dad, which I am sure you are being.

P


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Popi

It is rough and I am miserable with out her here. I love and miss her so much. She is my best friend, yet in my time of needing a "Best Friend" she is gone. I guess that is why I am posting on the forum. We had separate banking accounts and split the bills in half. I was paying the mortgage, they just screwed me. I have hired an attorney and at the present are perusing legal action. I did nothing wrong as far as paying the mortgage, they screwed up the process.

Yes and No on the House thing...because of the foreclouser thing that just happen, I got a brand new house on a lease with option to buy. It is suppose to be for 12 -18 months, but I know the builder that built the house would sell it to me before then. I am actually working with a loan officer now on getting a mortgage on the house now. It hasn't even been a month yet, and I am already trying to "own" that home.

It is so hard to not talk about this with her, I miss her so much and I am hurting because she is not there. I just want to know from her what I need to do to make her happy...in her words, not mine. I can tell her till I am blue in the face that I am never going to let anything happen again, but as said before, promises are not really worth anything, I have to show her that I mean what I am saying.

I wish that she could for give me, and work on this. I need her support and love to help me get better. With out her, I have nothing.

Yes she is living with her mom, who by the way has been divorced 2 times and in now into her 3rd marraige. Beleive me, I know that her mom is telling her to get out, and that I am no good, ect. I can't really say anything to my wife about her mom, but I did ask her yesterday if her mom was the shoulder that she was crying on about this. My wife said that it was, and like I stated, I am sure she is filling her head with "get divorced" BS. I also found out yesterday, that her mom is charging her rest to stay there! Can you believe that, I would never charge my kids if they were in this type of situatuion.

I am maintaining contact with my 2 daughters, I call them every day to see how there days are, and tell them I love and miss them terribly.

I did get to spend time with them all today, I asked if I could go with them to get the girls some school cloths, and paid for them. Then we all had lunch together at a restaurant. I text messaged my wife when I got home asking her if she thought today was a good day? Her response was " It was - ok. I hope that we can be civil towards each other even if things don't go the way you want them to." So as you can see I am trying...very hard. What else can I do? I asked her to go to lunch this week one day (my treat) and go to the counselors together, but she refused, making an excuse to having too much school work to do. Yes she is back in school -College.

I don't want to become a pest, but every time I communicate with her, I want to talk about fixing what I broke, and not pursue this separation. She gets frustrated, and doesn't want to talk about it. I asked her today while we were out, if she was still angry? and of course her answer was YES.

I love my family and I tell each of them everyday, that I love them. My oldest is miserable and wants to be living with her dad, as she is mad at her mom for leaving and not staying together as a family. I have explained to her that I made a mistake and that mom thinks that it is best if she stayed with mom. I would love to have her here with me but I am afraid to say anything to my wife, so as not to ripple the waters, hell I want all of them here. I have this new house all by myself. So frustrating and lonley.

I lied in a sense, because I should have told her what was going on long before I did. That was the mistake that I made. I did not communicate with my wife. I see that now and wish I could go back in time and tell her, but I can't, I can only change the future. I talk to my kids everyday, and see them every other weekend. I had them this past Friday night even though it was not my weekend, I take every opportunity to see them when available. I try to talk to my wife, but she is still angry, and you are right, I lost her trust.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

I am sorry, I copied and pasted some information that was already posted. I am seeking advice from several forums, and did not pay attention to what was posted.

Again, sorry for the double post.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

You have to show that you can be responsible and positive.

Its not a good idea to appear to be week, and weepy in front of your children. Try not to talk about your problems with them. I am sure they are suffering too, and they don't want to feel worse because you are obviously miserable.

Gosh your wife can remain angry for a long time.

Has she seen the new house ?

All I can offer is that you need to be positive, happy, dispense with the misery.

What you do now, is what matters. You can't undo the past. You have said you are sorry, you are making steps to a new home, there really isn't much more you can do. Its up to your wife to see that you are a decent chap and its in her interest to consider the future with you.

P


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Yes she saw the house the day everything happen. It is brand new, it had just been built, it was 8 min away from the old house, I thought...in my mind anyways, that even with this horrible situation, I had made a good move at getting a roof over my kids head, and was looking out for them. She doesn't see it that way of course.

I am trying to give her the space that she needs to clear her head, and make a sound desicion on her future, but I have to tell you, it hard to not want to call her every day and tell her that I love and miss her.

I left her alone last night and that was just as hard as not being able to see and touch her. I am insecure in that if I do leave her be, and she is getting advice from her mom...to divorce me, I have no defense. I feel helpless. I did call and talk to our girls, but I did not ask to speak to her. I thought that just maybe she would wonder why I didn't ask to speak to her, (which I normally do) and she would try to contact me...but she never did. I fell asleep on the couch yet again, waiting and hopeing that she would call. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.

I want to talk to her, I want to see her, but she doesn't seem like she wants to be near or hear me. So I will take your advice and not go out of my way to talk to her. If you think that is the best way to handle it? I will make a promise that if I do get to talk to her, I will not bring up any of the drama that surrounds the situation.

Thanks again for giving your advice and opinion. It means alot.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

If I were your wife, I would be feeling:

- Very, very angry that you allowed the financial mess to spiral out of control -- even more so since it had already happened once before. Didn't you learn?

- Very angry that you didn't mention the problem to me early enough that I could have jumped in to help. Blind-sided.

- Hurt and shocked at your lack of trust and confidence in me. Marriages are built on trust - and that trust has been badly betrayed. Did it even exist at all? What else can't I trust you on?

- I would feel that my trust in you had been totally misplaced because your actions put me and my children at serious risk of harm. Beyond risk -- your actions got us thrown out of our home on a day's notice.

- Furious that you went out and arranged to buy another house without even consulting me. Didn't you learn anything? Don't my opinions matter at all? Deciding to buy a house is a huge decision that needs to be made together, and selecting a house also.

- Foolish for staying with you as long as I did. The financial terms available to someone with your track record are poor, and signing on for more debt is a BAD idea that just reinforces all of my currently-negative feelings. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

You want another chance? IMO, it's time to grovel. Admit that when it comes to managing money, you're lousy at it. Admit that you really, really, really blew it. Ask her to take over managing the finances. ALL of them. You will hand her your paycheck and put your confidence in her the way she should have been able to do in you.

Then tell her you want to learn to do better. Sign up for "Personal Financial Management for Dummies" at your local community college and tell her you've done it. Or get some books at the library on the subject and read them cover to cover. Or both.

Start to demonstrate that you know what it means to be a responsible adult and provider, and that you're capable of doing it.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Sweeby,

WOW that is what I needed to hear...some strong words of what she is exactly saying, and feeling. By reading what you wrote gave me a better understanding on what she is going through...instead of worrying about my feelings, and what to do to "fix" it. I can't fix this with a snap of my fingers...like I used to think I could. Everything that you said is exactly what she is feeling, but has not shared with me. I so needed that. Thank you.

I had not thought about signing up for classes, but I am going to do that today. I have made it clear to her that I would give her my paycheck and let her handle everything with the finances. I have told her that I screwed up and have apoligized for the siuation that I have put her in. I am going to counseling to make myself better, emotion wise.

I am trying real hard to show her that I know what it means to be responsible, and I am capable of doing it. I have asked her to help, but I am affraid that it mught be to little to late. I know that I messed up, by not telling her and asking for help. I should have. I have trust in my wife, but in my strange way of thinking, I thought that if I told her what was going on, I would be in the same boat that I am in now, only sooner. I should have not been thinking that way. I should have told her - bottom line.

Reguardless of the outcome of this marriage, I am doing these things because I need to be better. Bottom line is that I do love her, I made several mistakes in our marriage, I need to just grow up, and be an adult. I would like for her to be with my in this journey, and if she is willing to walk with me, hand and hand, I strongly believe in myself to make our lives better.

Thank you again for pointing out what she is going through. I herd every word loud and clear.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Why not write her a long letter honestly saying the things you've said here. Don't pressure her to come back right now.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

I have kind of sort of been in your position except in this case what I did was worse then what you did (he would hand me paycheck to pay bills and buy groceries, I would buy groceries first, certain bills did not get paid, etc...) I kept it from him, always trying to fix it. Then I would get caught (I always got caught, did I learn nothing?)
This is what I am trying to understand, how could you keep it from her for that long? I mean when I would pull those stunts I would have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomache all the time, I actually was physically sick quite a bit during this time of my moronic behavior. We lost a car from my failure as a financial wizard (lol)
I came outside after I got off work to find my car no longer there. Then hubby pulls in, I don't think I will ever forget the look on his face at that moment in time, seems he had a nice long chat with the repo guys, then he called the loan Co. *gulp*
Oh and I went to jail once from a bounced check, how exciting sitting in a holding cell 7 months pregnant with these other lovely young ladies:)
I know none of this was your fault, I think the point I am trying to make is if my DH could forgive me for all my little indescretions (that were most definitly my fault, although I never MEANT to do any of it, money just slipped through my fingers) Hopefully your wife will forgive you.
I would make copies of every single thing you have of this nightmare, send them to her with a letter, that way she can read for herself that you did not intentionally get yourself in this fix.

Oh and thank you so much on the tip about Country Wide, I will be sure to stay as far away from that company as possible.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Well I thought I would give you all a staus up date on my situation: I have wrote letters, cards, emails, telling her exactly what was suggested on here. Thursday night I get this email:

David,
Well, I've had right close to 4 weeks to think about everything that has happened to us and to our family. You are correct in what you said about how I felt about the whole situation. I feel like I had all this trust for you (finally) and then the bridge just collapsed beneath me. I understand that at the time your intentions were good and that you meant well by doing what you did.....but, at the same time I don't understand how you could have so little trust in me that you wouldn't tell me what was going on. Am I that horrible of a person that we couldn't talk and try to work this out together? Dave, how many times does it take getting your heart broken before you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder..."why am I doing this?" Every time something has happened to us I would just step back and tell myself "Ok Paula, this is the last time something like this will happen".....only to look further across that bridge to see that it has collapsed again. I know that you are making a lot of changes now.....that is awesome-I'm really proud of you. But, the fact of the matter is-will all those changes erase the hurt, distrust, and anger that I have? Will they make me forget everything? The answer is probably not. I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life......this is not easy at all. David we have had two beautiful girls together-for that I will be forever grateful to you. I will always love you for the dad that you have and will continue to be to our girls. But, I don't think that I can be the wife that you deserve given the events that have taken place. I already have a hard time trusting people and I feel like if we continued our relationship I would constantly be looking over my shoulder...wondering what is going to come next. Always second guessing and "checking up" on things to make sure everything is kosher. That is no way to live. I feel like the best thing for me to do is to pick up and start over...get my priorities right-make things stable for our girls. I love that you are doing things to change yourself and you are getting help from Ashford (counsler)-it takes alot of courage to sit in an office and put your trust in a complete stranger and to ask them for help. I'm glad you are doing it-for yourself and your girls. I hope that we can still be a support system for each other-I do care an awful lot about you Dave. I also hope that we can continue to be civil to each other and be friendly toward one another (the girls will have a better time adjusting if they are able to see us get along). If there is anything I can do to support you in your changes-I am here for you. I don't hate you at all and I do forgive the situation-I just can't continue with this relationship. I know that what I'm saying in something you don't want to hear and I know that I have probably broken your heart....for that I am sorry. I don't like to hurt anyone-especially you.........I hope that we can still be good friends.
love,
Paula

Then on Saturday she told me that she contacted an attorney and is drafting up a seperation agreement.

Yes I am heart broken, and never wanted any of this to happen. I am completly beside myself and am lost without her in my life. I had the girls this weekend, and when I went to take them back, they were both crying that they wanted to stay with me and not go back to there grandma's...where they are staying. I know that they are just as confused as I am and to answer any questions involving the kids...the answer is no. I avoid it at all cost.

My question now is this, since she has given up, or in my eyes she has, what are my next steps in this process?

I have to thank each and everyone of you for offering your advice and I wish the circumstances were better, but they are not. I do love my wife, and miss her everyday that I am awake. I wanted a chance to make things right, but she has shut the door on our relationship.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

For now, I'd tell her that you're terribly sad, but that you understand and respect her decision to separate.

Tell her that you are going to continue your steps to change and improve - for YOURSELF, because you recognize that it's necessary.

Tell her that you will give her the space she needs, and encourage her to stand on her own two feet - because that's also important. She needs to be strong and secure within herself before she can trust again.

Then ask her to live with a legal separation for a while before proceding to a divorce because you're hoping that with time and change on your part, and continued growth on her own as well, that you two will be able to come back together and rebuild your family.

Good luck --


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

David

Sorry to hear the news.

Sweeby sure gives good advice.

Take one day at a time, and remember, things well get better.

All the best to you.

Perhaps a support group is somewhere you could feel some solace.

Popi


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

Any car that needs $4800 worth of repairs is TOTALED. Youre crazy to pay that, and really nuts to put your home in jeopardy to pay for the car. Your wife is %100 right.


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RE: Trying to save my marriage...Advice?

for a year and a half, you kept this problem from her? I would be furious too. whether you think you were doing it to protect her or keep her from getting angry at you, the bottom line is she probably feels you didn't have enough faith in her or trust her. Are there any other things you haven't told her? That's what I would wonder. I can't say I would end my marriage over one situation, even this big of one, but if there are other things that have happened, it's going to take more than flowers to rebuild the trust. If she's willing to go to counseling, then you set it up. If she's not, go alone.


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